Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Libby - so good to hear from you  to you - I hope you're ok.  I hope that you managed to get through the 40th Anniversary of the film 'Grease' - especially as it's triggering for you too.  I hope you and your lovely dog are able to get out and enjoy some walks - I've been thinking of you.

Hi SanMagic - thanks for your encouraging words, which mean a lot.  Love and hugs to you too 

Hope 

***
Journal Entry on 20th August 2018
I am finding weekends more triggering and harder to negotiate - mainly because they involve more social invites and gatherings than weekdays - and of course they are potentially triggering for me, and hard to negotiate.  But I am glad that I did ok this weekend, and I managed to cope reasonably ok. 

Now it's the weekdays again, I am hoping to progress with a few things - rather than procrastinate. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry on 22nd August 2018
I just want to write myself a note here - to remind myself to write about some of the things that have come up whilst I've been watching a TV series called 'Sharp Objects' - I hope to write about some things that have come to mind - in the forum - and I don't want to forget to do that. 

If I could put into words how the past couple of days have been - it's a bit like swimming through murky water - recognising some things, and not seeing others.  Bit similar to the feeling of walking in thick Edwardian skirts - unable to move very fast.  Being constrained and held back - or maybe even trapped.  Interesting themes - and I can see them a bit clearer now.

I also feel disconcerted - because I wonder if my inners are conspiring against me, in terms of hiding my Mary Bratton book - i.e. maybe they don't want me to get back to reading it.  Maybe that is what the procrastination is about regarding my wish to de-clutter and 'sort things out' - maybe that is how people end up hoarding things - I purposefully threw out some pages I'd taken from magazines - just because it worried me that I might be hoarding/collecting - and I didn't want to do that.

I am getting in touch with more emotions - in amongst the murky water type feeling - there are pools of clarity now and again. 

I watched an old film called 'The Awakenings' recently - with Robin Williams and Robert de Niro - and it had me in floods of tears - so upsetting.  It was like those people had spent so many years of their life not 'seeing' or experiencing life - I do relate to that at some levels, because even though I've 'lived' my first few decades, I know that the traumatic effect of my early life on my inners - means we all fragmented and coped in the best way we could, but maybe we didn't all see and experience things as we would have liked to.  I realise it could have been worse for us - many people would look at 'my' life and think I have had some incredibly positive and successful things - on paper it would look glossy perhaps, but I've not shown the other side of myself to many people - only recently really have I been more 'open' about things to close friends.  Even then, I've been careful regarding what I've shared, and what I've kept to myself.

I am so grateful that I have been able to be completely open with my partner - I really feel he understands me. 

However, I am also aware that having this forum - it is a life-saver - because people here really understand - and when I'm 'swimming against the tide' and 'can't see the surroundings' I feel glad that I can come here - and it feels like a respite.

I'm going to try to tidy things up - to find my Mary Bratton book - and actually start re-reading it - and trying to do the experiential exercises.  I really think they will help me.  I want to reassure any parts of me that are anxious or concerned, that we'll try to do this in a way that is safe and paced - and that we can stop anytime we're not comfortable.  We know we could see a therapist if it got too much - but hopefully we won't need to do that.  I say 'we' because I speak for all my fragmented inner parts - I'm still getting to know them myself, and I have to say it's a relief to finally have an understanding of why I have felt so many contrasting emotions - and so many conflicting feelings - and now I listen to them, rather than try to push them away, or distract from them. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry on 24th August 2018
Writing about the Narcissistic Parenting points that Karyl McBride had listed in an article she wrote, and exploring my own reactions to those - and finding that I relate so closely to pretty much all of them - it didn't surprise me, as I'd found a very intense reaction when I first read them.  I was glad to have worked through the list yesterday - and wrote something - but I realise that I wrote it in a way which felt very much as if I was intellectualising rather than 'feeling' the emotions - and I've just written to Libby about how I feel that doors have closed a bit on my wish to explore further just now, for fear of becoming over-whelmed. 

Each point on Karyl McBride's list - it's basically huge in terms of my thoughts and feelings and I wrote a summary - where I would only speak about the things that felt 'safe' to me - rather than some of the more disturbing memories I have.  I realise there's a lot of editing goes on in my mind - by different parts of me, and I am always careful about what I say and how I am - but maybe that's because 'image' and stuff like that is more important than I gave credit - I thought I could be authentic and true to my feelings, but maybe I'm not even sure about what 'is' authentic and true.

This weekend feels stressful - it's a long weekend - and lately I've found weekends more stressful than weekdays - due to greater likelihood of social things - which I find stressful.  But I will do my best to cope and get through them. 

Part of me today wants to escape and go somewhere where there's nobody about at all - I feel like I'd like to be more of a hermit and escape.  I feel annoyed by things more than usual.  Perhaps it is anger that I'm feeling.  I'm not sure though - not even sure who it's directed at.  But maybe it's due to going through that list yesterday and realising just how much I've been affected - but I already knew that - at the same time.  So what is it?  I'm not sure.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with behealthy about self-preservation, wanting to isolate so as not to become overwhelmed.  we poke at these things, our issues, emotions, feelings, thoughts, whatever, and they can certainly become too much too fast at times.

take your time, hope.  you are progressing, being more open to further exploration, being more ready to feel and realize lots of different things.  you don't have to do it all by tomorrow - there are no deadline police standing over us.  it's good to push ourselves at times, but also good to know when not to push, take a breath and a breather.  we're allowed that.

very glad for you and your partner, and very glad you've got this forum.  i feel the same way about it - it has been a life-saver for me as well.  i hate to think where i might be if not for being able to come here.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thly & SanMagic,
You are both such lovely people - thank you for your replies - it means a lot.  I found what you each said very kind and also wise.  Thank you both.   

*****Journal Entry on 25th August 2018
I have aching legs today - they really hurt! 

I have experienced more contact with my inner children - many of them have been activated by what I wrote the other day - and it's stirred up many thoughts, memories and I felt as if I awakened a 'teenage' part of myself - and I had that weird experience of 'observing my body' and noticing how much older it is now - as if 'she' (the teenage self) didn't realise I've grown older - bit disconcerting really.  But I'm not fearing this experience - I am accepting it.  I just told her (the teenage self) that I am older - and that she is safe - she doesn't need to worry anymore. 

I'm trying to relax this weekend, and not put pressure on myself.  I am also doing some dot-to-dots to keep my younger inner children happy - and they do like it.  It's relaxing. 

I was over-eating last night - almost a binge - but having my partner around stopped that from happening, as I would have felt like a glutton - but it brought back memories of past years when I was living alone for some parts of my life, and then I would binge - and didn't stop myself.  To numb the feelings - I have no doubt. 

I think I'd like to read parts of the forum about other people's Inner Child work - as I saw something that Woodsgnome had written - and it was very helpful.  I think it will help me to read those parts of the forum - to see how people work with their inner children.   Something Blueberry said - in her writings was also helpful - I need to look for what she said again though, as I've forgotten where it was!    Ah, I think it was how Blueberry said that she often had to have time to process her emotions and feelings - that it took time - and I related to so much to that - it's the same for me - often I can write things and NOT feel anything as I write them, but then reading them back later, then I can get in touch with the feelings - but even then, it can be difficult.  They can be transient and slip away quickly - as if a door closes on them, and they are out of view. 

Anyway, I am ok - but my legs hurt quite a bit - I have been doing some walking, but nothing unusual - so I don't know why I hurt so much.  I'm wondering if it's a communication from a wounded/fragmented part - I don't know.  I think it could be.  But I don't know the connection.  But I am listening to that, and wondering how to help myself with this.  I won't worry about it - I'll just try to rest and hopefully it will get better.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope I've been reading and keep wanting to say something encouraging.

I'm struggling too much though.... so can I just say I care about you and send you a 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1lthy - thank you so much for suggesting my leg pain might be due to being dehydrated - I think that could have been true - it makes a lot of sense.  I feel better today, no more pain.  So that's good.  Thanks also for the encouragement that I'm on the 'right road' - I do feel like I am, and I will strive hard not to lose heart, and pursue this. 

Hi Deep Blue - I really appreciate your reply - and I also care about you too - sending you a hug  - I know you're struggling at the moment, so stay strong, Deep Blue - thinking of you.  Hope that you'll be ok.

***
Journal Entry on 26th August 2018
I've survived the weekend so far, but it's a long weekend - Bank holiday Monday tomorrow - could be a couple more 'social' things to get through.  I am finding it a bit of a challenge - but so far so good.  I have managed to find my books - so that's made me feel better - I was doing a bit of tidying up - so that was progress.  Finding my books means I can read them again.  I've got Janina Fisher's book and Mary Bratton's book - those are the 2 that are the ones that interest me the most at the moment, and I am so happy to have them. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy,
Thank you so much for popping by and asking about how I am.  I read your message before going to bed last night, and wanted to 'think' about 'how I am' - and so today I can tell you better - i.e. after some thought - I would say that the past couple of days have been quite good - because I've been 'doing more' - taking some action to actually tidy some things, clean some things, and generally sort through and 'find' some things.  Finding my books - I started to read Mary Bratton's book again - from the start - and found that I was able to 'take it in' more - than before.  By that I mean, that instead of intellectualising I was really 'seeing' and 'feeling' a bit more - which then resulted in me being a bit over-whelmed by the 'reality' of the situation - it's as if before I've realised I've had things that are traumatic - but there's been a massive thick screen between me and the 'reality' of those things - i.e. thoughts like 'Did these things really happen' - 'Are they really significant?' - almost 'Did they actually happen?' - and therefore somehow thinking that it was a 'story' and wasn't connected to me.

I feel sure this makes sense - to people in this forum - and I do realise that I have been dissociated so often - and in many situations - both past and current ones.  So I am battling to 'stay present' in situations, and to process things differently - to try to 'be here' and 'experience'.

So - I think I'm doing ok - and I think I feel like it's worth pursuing this - this journey towards integrating my fragmented parts/inner children.  So we can live in harmony rather than fragmented discord - and I want to save each and every one of the parts of myself that allowed me to get this far in life - because they all did what they could to survive a difficult childhood and also the enmeshment of FOO throughout much of my adult life too.

BeHea1thy - you have helped me a lot on this recent path - and I was thrilled that the book 'Soulful Simplicity' arrived in my library and I was able to collect it yesterday - and it is here with me on my desk - and it is a beautiful book - I am relishing reading it.  I am sure I will enjoy it.  Thank you for recommending it - which you did by your enthusiasm in your Journal when you were reading it.  I could see it was a special book by what you said about it and how you described it.

*****
Journal Entry on 29th August 2018
I have woken today and felt some positivity about the day and about where things are going in relation to processing my past - having the structure of Mary Bratton's book - and the memories of Janina Fisher's book - together are a great structure for going forward. 

The Bank Holiday weekend was quite tough to get through - but it's gone now, and I was able to minimise social obligations - which helped me to cope better.  I didn't avoid them altogether, just minimised them - so it was manageable. 

Regarding my inner children - I did some dot-to-dots occasionally to relax my younger parts, and I also felt like at some points my 'teenage' parts were present - and they were disgruntled and snappy - but I was able to keep them in check and stop them from criticising my partner - which is what they seemed to want to do...  Not sure what that was about...

I've also been trying to be 'more in the moment' and concentrate on TV programmes and films - and really 'be there' - as opposed to my usual tendency to zone out and dissociate and 'be elsewhere' which means I end up not being able to follow a plot or know what has happened in a film or programme.  I did better - so that was good.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Thanks so much BeHea1thy  to you.

*****
Journal Entry on 30th August 2018
Had a bit of a strange dream last night.  A friend of mine who was an ex colleague died (in real life) and that happened about a year ago - but in my dream they were alive again and had sent me an E-mail.  Then of course, when I woke up, I felt the frustration of wondering what they had wanted to communicate to me - I think maybe that was what the dream represented - not knowing or understanding why someone would die at a relatively 'young' age - unexpectedly.  Doesn't seem fair.

I have a couple of social things that I've agreed to attend - so I am trying to bolster up my confidence to do that. 

I have been pleased with how my reading of Mary Bratton's book was yesterday - I felt as if things are beginning to finally 'make sense' - before it was like reading something that was more 'interesting' but I can really 'feel' my reaction - and also beginning to see how my FOO were incredibly dysfunctional - and that I have actually been traumatised massively by so many aspects of my childhood.  I can also see how my tendency to dissociate has protected me. 

I am intending to do more de-cluttering and tidying this afternoon - if I can do even just half an hour, it will be progress.  That's what I've planned to do - a minimum, and then any extra time spent on it will be a bonus.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you know, hope, i've discovered a similar realization, altho it's also about other people in my life along with foo.  it seems like the more i get into all this, the more traumatic the trauma becomes.  like i didn't realize the depth of it or the profundity of its effects on me.

i'm glad for you that you are getting thru this.  i really am.  and tackling your minimum for decluttering sounds like a great idea.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks - what you said makes sense to me.  Realising the depth and profundity of the effects of things.  Thanks for validating this, and also encouraging me.  I am grateful to you and to everyone here.

************
Journal Entry for 1st September 2018
It's been a challenging couple of days - because I think I've been swinging between more dissociating and also more focus on issues - and it's bringing up some uncomfortable feelings and also some kind of compulsive behaviours where I want to eat a lot and numb myself.  I also ended up lacking in concentration to the extent that I fell down half of the stairs - and bruised myself - but thankfully it wasn't anything too bad.  Just felt a bit shaken up by it - and I'm going to be 'extra careful' now. 

I ended up putting the container with the tea-bags in it in a place that I would never put them - and consequently couldn't find them - thankfully they turned up eventually - but I was thinking that I am definitely NOT focusing properly - and I'm quite accident prone and also unable to focus properly.  I've been staring at some jeans on a chair and wondering whose they are - and have discovered they are mine!!!   It's like I'm seeing some things for the 'first time' and not recognising them.  So it's a perceptual thing.  Not sure what to make of it, but I wonder if I've awakened another part of me - another inner child - one that is older, because my emotions feel like those of a petulant and upset teenager - feeling critical of things, and wanting my 'space' - not wanting people to invade my space, wanting to push anyone in my space away from me.

I need to keep this in check a bit, because I don't want to end up treating anyone around me in a negative way - I don't want to snap at them, or upset them.  I guess I've awoken some feelings and emotions that had been dormant for a while. 

I'm going to try to just tolerate it - rather than do anything very different - but it is disconcerting. 

My partner thinks I am reading too many 'of those books' - so I can see that he notices the changes in me, and it probably makes him feel certain things.  So I am keen to ensure that I don't make him feel excluded by this processing.  I need to find a balance so that I can continue processing and working on things, and continue to relate positively to people around me.

Just wanted to write about this - whilst it is fresh in my mind.

Although I have described feeling 'disconcerted' - I actually think it's positive that I'm 'feeling' things. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
Just wanted to pop by and say thank you for your lovely message in my journal.
And if it's okay a gentle hug

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal, Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.  A gentle hug back to you too 

****
Journal Entry on 3rd September 2018

I feel quite over-whelmed at the moment, because I feel like I am desperately trying to minimise my emotions and reactions - but yet they are very prominent and I can't dull them down.  I have got lots of cravings to eat bad things, and I've given into that a few times this week - consequently I've put on weight.  Not feeling good about that. 
My bruises are changing colour - and some have gone a bit 'green' in colour...  Yellowy green.  I even saw one in a place I didn't even realise I'd hurt - and my partner said to me that maybe I just didn't realise I'd hurt myself in that location - it's just on my leg, but I hadn't realised I'd bruised myself there when I fell down the stairs.  But I know I'm lucky - because I basically didn't hurt myself very badly - it could have been worse.  Just a bit shaken up more than anything.  But I do think I was in a bit of a dissociative state when I was walking down the stairs, and that is why I think that I fell.

My partner also asked me whether I thought I would get any better with all the reading and going over the past that I do - and I told him that I feel as if he doesn't really want me to continue with my reading and processing as he thinks it makes me worse.  He agreed that he does think that.  At least he was honest about it.  But I told him that I feel impelled to continue, because I feel like I need to be more in control of my fate - and that I want to understand things better.  He suggested to me that I've been looking for answers for quite a few years already. 

This got me thinking about how life is lived - i.e. how much time is spent in the 'here and now' and how much is spent either thinking about the past or worrying about the future.  I would like to ideally have a better balance, where I can live in the here and now more, but also have a good understanding of the past, and also 'deal better' with any future worries or thoughts.  Easier said than done, I guess.

I feel a bit overwhelmed, so I am going to just try to sit with my emotions and my feelings, and not put much pressure on myself to do any particular thing.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Back again, and feeling better than I was earlier - so that is good.  I think I must have been experiencing some EF's - because I felt so over-whelmed - I used some grounding techniques - counting things in the room and telling myself I was going to be ok.  It did help.  I managed to resist the urge to overeat on bad things, and had something to eat that was ok.  I've written myself a list of things I'd like to try to do tomorrow - and I'll see how it goes.

Hope 

[Three Roses]