Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Jdog]

Hope, here's a shout out to the adult you!  Great job on tackling the closet and the many associations you have with what is inside of it. 

[Blueberry]

   for de-cluttering and for realising what's going on emotionally while you're doing it. I know all about hanging onto things because somebody gave them to me, rather than because I actually want to keep them. I do have odd spells where I can suddenly let go of something I've been hanging onto.  on feeling stronger in your adult self! 

[Sceal]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - thank you so much.   

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Journal Entry on 22nd October 2018
Last night I was experiencing something strange for part of the night - it was like I could see a large screen, which I had created - in my imagination, and on that screen my 'inners of the night' (as I've suddenly started calling them) were communicating with me - and showed me two scenes - one was just 'fog' (which is why I have just been a little taken aback to hear Blueberry talk of having a foggy head last night - as I literally felt 'foggy' myself in terms of seeing that picture, which I felt sure showed fog.  Also there was a scene showing a thicket of undergrowth, like in a tangled hedge kind of thing.  I realise that sounds quite strange, but that was what I saw.  I remember thinking to myself 'Thank you 'little inners' for communicating something to me' - because I really want to communicate and befriend them - hence the title of this Journal really - as a reminder to myself to do this.

My partner told me that I had been 'moaning' 'Nooooo'  'Nooooo' again - and I phrased this to him that I think it's better than my previous tendency to scream in terror or lash out physically or end up falling out of bed and hurting myself etc etc - that has happened in the past - the difference now - more recently - that I am no longer doing those things, but I am saying 'Nooooo' and that is communicating something - but my voice isn't sounding scared or terrified like it could have done with a loud scream.  He agreed with me - it is much better.  But I also think he worries that I am not 'getting better' - i.e. that maybe he thinks I'm never going to - and that he thinks my reading and talking about things here in this forum mean I'm 'stirring' things up - and he might not like that.  I have talked to him about that too - and he did admit that he does think that I ruminate too much about the past etc - but I tried to explain to him that I am actually ruminating less, and that I'm now actually working on things and beginning to process things in a more meaningful way.

I guess I'm trying to help him to understand where I am with things - and where I'd like to be - I am feeling stronger, and I am feeling like I'm doing more 'things in real life' again - like making appointments for myself and self-care, and beginning to finally achieve something in terms of de-cluttering - although I have to say I only managed a 'section' of my wardrobe/closet - it has a whole lower layer I've not touched, and then there are more clothes and things 'outside' the wardrobe - those are more 'messy' actually.  I felt a bit bad today, because I'd put it on my list to tackle at some point today, but instead I ended up in bed asleep for part of the afternoon - and whilst I was dozing there, I felt some uncomfortable feelings of abandonment really - and I made myself stay with them, and not distract myself, but just 'feel them, and they did go away after about half an hour or so.  So that was good that I felt better after. 

I feel as if I'm trying to stablilize myself at the moment - because I know the next few days are challenging for me, as I have a few appointments - I need to get through them.  I'm worried about which part of me will come with me to those appointments, because I've realised that if a younger and scared part of me comes, then I may end up in tears or out of control, and I am frightened of that.  I desperately want to keep myself together to get through those appointments.  I need to attend them.  I can't cancel them.  Or at least I am not going to let myself cancel them. 

Part of me has made me feel guilty about writing certain things in this forum - almost as if it doesn't approve of my talking about things and sharing things.  Also tending to minimize my experiences, and say 'did that really happen?' - but I really do think that things happened in my childhood that weren't right, and shouldn't have happened.  I hate that my sense of reality will waver sometimes, so that I almost doubt my experiences - e.g. have I got a sister?  Did she actually exist?  There were times I really didn't know - did I imagine her - I know when I was little that I used to count things (a bit of OCD but in a very small way) and I'd want to ensure that I counted things in 3's, because after she left our family - and I didn't know why, I actually feared that either myself, or my parents might die if I didn't count to 3 - representing all 3 of us.  Because at one time there had been 4, and then there were 3.  I didn't want there to be 2 - I wanted us all to survive - I really didn't know what had happened to my sister.  Noone told me. 

Yes, I know she's alive - I wrote to her for over a year - after being apart for several decades - I've not seen her since I was 6 years old - I don't think I can cope with contact with her, although part of me would like that, and I think part of her would like it too - but we did try, and it was really hard.  Although we wrote daily for almost the whole year, till we fell out - and we tried again, and the same thing happened again.  Like a repeating pattern.  The rupture was around this time of year, as she is very busy at this time of year - and involved in some Cult-like stuff.  That reminds me, that I watched a TV programme about a Cult, and saw how they had been very depersonalised - and almost trance-like in their behaviour, and I related to it very much.  I think that kind of life drew my sister to it - she couldn't help herself, because her own family had effectively cast her out - I feel badly for that, but I was only 6 years old when she went.  I didn't want her to go.  I didn't understand what was going on, and where she went.

I didn't expect to write all of this, but that's ok - I feel ok for writing it.  Thankfully I don't have any parts of me criticising me yet - I just feel quite numb as I write it.  I expect I will 'feel' when I re-read it, but for now I will just leave it here and go and do a 'dot-to-dot' because I find that relaxing.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry & Sceal - Thank you both so much - I just saw your replies after I had posted what I wrote, and I appreciate what you both have said.  Sending hugs to you both 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
I thought of you during our sucide prevention walk as well.  I was happy to see others wearing our HOPE shirt proudly.

Decluttering sounds great.  I like the symbolism about going through your closet.  Could you sense which part of you was against tearing up the garment from your M?  Maybe if you can figure that out, you will be able to say bye to it in a way that she sees fit.  Do you think writing all that helped you mentally declutter to? I've noticed it often helps me when I write. 

Much love 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i used to have the same conversation with my hub about thinking/talking too much about the past.  he was all for 'letting the past be in the past - what good does it do you to keep bringing it up?', and really couldn't understand that it was bringing it up that was actually what was helping me let it eventually go.  i don't think people who haven't faced this kind of trauma are able to understand.  which is why we talk about it here - here, we do understand.

i used to tell him that the more i could talk about it, that at some point i will be able to talk it to death, so to speak, and it will be a non-entity, something that will no longer bother me.  he was kind enough to listen most of the time, but he'd still stick in a sentence or two about letting it go.  that would be upsetting to me.

it also sounds to me like things are changing for the better for you with your nighttime forays into your subconscious.  i've experienced many of the things you spoke of, including throwing myself out of bed while i was asleep and landing on the cement floor about 3 ft. away.  my voice tone also changed, as did my tendency to talk in my sleep.  i want to believe it's part of recovery from all this that's showing itself. 

as far as some of your parts hesitating at your sharing stuff here, i've felt that as well at times.  the old 'this is confidential' or some type of secret to be kept between me and someone else, but it was a bad secret.  letting that stuff out into the light takes a lot of guts cuz we're going against so much that we've been taught in order to keep someone else's bad behavior hidden.  i give you a lot of credit, sweetie, for speaking your truth.

sending love and a warm, encouraging hug to you

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue & SanMagic,
I read what you both wrote - and it helped me a lot - thank you both.      I am hoping to get some time to come here and write more, but right now - I am getting ready to attend an appointment - I've had appointments most days this week - which is stressful for me - but the week is passing, and I'm getting through them!   Hope to be able to reflect on the week - and write more - as I want to have opportunity to do that, in my Journal here.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 26th October 2018
Finally I have a bit of time to write something, but I have to admit I'm wondering what I will end up writing, because themes I've noticed over the past few days are such that I have felt often over-whelmed, and I've tried to jot down reminders to myself of things I want to write about here - and then it's as if the issues are less prominent, or I've lost them somehow.

Anyway, I'll just write - and see what I do say - I'd like to try to summarise some things that have happened and have been happening - so I'll start with that.

I have been making appointments, many for self-care, and I've noticed how different parts of me react to those appointments - but thankfully the ones I've managed to make and attend, have gone ok.  It's like there's younger parts of me that become scared and then I fear that I won't be able to hold it together for the appointment, but when it comes to it - I cope fine - at least appear as if I do on the outside.  So my 'coping mask' remains intact - and gets me through these things.

What has been worrying me more than anything is the fact I've finally made the decision to change my GP - and I'm in the process of that now.  The new GP is a female and I've never met her - but already I think things might be better - just from how the surgery have communicated with me so far - they seem quite respectful of boundaries.  I have made an appointment to see someone next week - not the GP but a nurse - and I am already apprehensive, as I know she will want to talk about my medical history. 

Part of me wants to maintain the status quo and 'be ok' - and 'get through' the appointment - but part of me wants them to take me seriously and look at my health issues - and the things that concern me. 

I realise that part of the problem lies with the fact that I feel intense shame about so many things, and I've only just begun to realise this - probably helped along by reading the book about Treating Dissociation - I had felt 'guilt' and 'upset' and other emotions, but what I realise is that underneath a lot of it is 'shame'.  I am going to explore this - and try to understand it - but I can see it at different stages in my life.

De-cluttering my wardrobe has been a process where I've broken it down - and I was doing some more today - and was so surprised to see the different styles of clothes that I've had over the years - I had some clothes in that wardrobe that were from when I was in my 20's - that's literally 3 decades of clothes!  I have put quite a few into charity bags, and I think that some Milennials might like my Retro clothes.  But I saw that I had skirts and dresses there that I rarely wore - my preference is trousers and jeans - and I know this is much to do with CSA and wanting to be 'safe' in my clothes somehow.  I also had tendencies at some points in my life to wear black and dark clothes - but then there are also some periods of time when I was into colourful clothes and patterns.  This shows me the contrasts in my moods, in different parts of me choosing different clothing colours and styles.  No wonder the attachments to some of the clothes are emotive - and of course then there's the clothes that have been given as 'gifts' and what they mean too.

I thought about what Deep Blue said to me about the skirt that my M had given me - and I talked again to my partner about this skirt.  He suggested that I could write lots of words on it, and then ritually burn it!  He seems keen for me to get rid of it.  However, I have held onto it - I don't feel I can get rid of it - not at the present time.  I need to comprehend my parts and my feelings more.

What I do need to do is write more about the different parts of me, and I am planning to do that over the weekend, if I can - here in the forum, as I want to share them - as it seems to help me whenever I do talk about these things here - it's like I need to know they're no longer hidden, even though to many intents and purposes they are still hidden.  I realise that doesn't make much sense...  I know what I mean though.  So that's good.

I feel like I've been making some progress - and I'd like to list the ways I feel that:
I feel like I'm becoming aware of various resistances that I have - e.g. scared of inner experiences and what I might discover.  Feeling an almost phobic fear of loss and therefore scared of many things as a result of that.  Beginning to recognise how certain frozen parts of me hold me back from experiences in the here and now that most people would cope with - but which fill me with concern/dread.

I've also been finding that certain snippets of memory have been placed in the wrong place by me, i.e. I am beginning to link years when events happened - and the estimated time that I think something happened, and realise I've got them in the complete wrong order.  My memories are fragmented, and out of time in many ways, but I'm beginning to map them out - and maybe a more understandable narrative is forming.  This feels positive to me - and makes sense.

Right at this moment, as I write this today - I feel a greater sense of hope about things - I really do. 

Something shocked me last week though - it was relating to a written diary I keep where I write something down and keep a record of something - and yet when I looked at it this week, it was such a shock to see how I'd got it wrong for the past 4 weeks - and I felt that I just don't make mistakes like that - it was as if someone else entirely had done that - also I had been making mistakes with re-cycling and putting things in the wrong places - which I wouldn't normally do.  This was really disconcerting, but made me wonder if perhaps being able to 'do more' - has awoken a different part of me that is enabling me to 'do more' and that the part of me that was struggling and getting things wrong - has taken a back step. 

Anyway, this feels a bit jumbled now - perhaps I'll stop writing now - I've written more than I anticipated, but I am glad to have written here.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hi, Hope-

I read your post and appreciate how analytical you are in combing through your own thoughts and feelings and then giving yourself space to step back and observe.  That is a rare quality.

I do not have your same struggles, however I also have deep shame which underlies many of my responses to life's challenges.  I know how painful that is, and how freeing it can be to uncover the darkness that lies within shame and to allow more light and air to circulate.  You are doing what needs to be done in this department.

Kudos, and hugs to you

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - Thank you so much for your reply - and for also talking of your own acknowledgement of underlying shame - I think it's a big thing to realise such a thing, even though it is a heavy thing to realise at the same time.    to you, if that's ok.  I really like your mention of light and air to circulate - it sounds like something that will happen - allowing the light to shine on the darkness of the underlying shame.  I like that.  I do feel sure that being able to look at things helps them to be less frightening, and it makes sense.

Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you so much for your reply - also incredibly validating to me - I really appreciate it.  I like the description of 'closet excavations' too - as that is pretty much how it felt - like I was on some kind of Adventure, but at the same time not sure what I was going to unearth in there - there are literally decades of clothes - age-wise - I was surprised by what I found there.

You also mentioned how divesting from the loaded item doesn't necessarily stop/end or close whatever issue it represents - this is SO true. 

I am glad that my comments about re-ordering memory were helpful to you - and I must say that your reflections back to me on that - they were helpful to me too  - thankyou.  I like the 'wait and see approach' - because I have been reading about how going too fast or before I'm ready could de-stabilise me - and so I'm eager not to rush things - even though I'm finding it already very over-whelming.  I'll write about that in a moment, while it's fresh in my mind.    to you, BeHea1thy.

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Journal entry on 27th October 2018
I have felt over-whelmed quite a few times today - and I know that last night I ended up in a 'really dark place' in terms of how terrifying and dark and scary the place I felt I was in my dreams - it was like I connected with an incredibly sad and frozen part of myself, a very dark part of me - BUT I felt like I 'stayed with' the feeling, and I observed it - and tried to connect with it, which is what I've been reading about in the book about Treating Dissociation - and I actually felt myself saying or thinking something like "I understand how hard it was for you - how much you were up against, and I can see why you feel like 'this' - so terrified and alone and hurt" - I remember thinking that - even though I was scared and frozen in that dark place.  This is so different from past experiences, where I've literally felt 'blended' with the experience and shouted out in panic.

However, my partner told me that he had realised I was 'very frightened and terrified' and so he had 'seen that' in me during the night, and he had feared for me, and expressed concern.  I was able to talk to him in the light of day and explain that yes, I had felt like that, and I do feel like that sometimes, but that I am making some progress in terms of how I'm viewing it - and I tried to help him to understand what I'm reading about and how I hope it will help me.  He once again expressed concern for me that maybe I'm not doing myself any good, but I re-explained why I feel I need to do this - and I said that I fear that if a major life event or issue happens, and I've not processed things to move on the frozen/traumatised parts of myself, then I am fearful of how I'll cope and what will happen.  I explained that when I was younger, I had more energy and psychological strength - but as I am growing older - I fear that I won't have that same resilience, and I desperately want to strengthen myself by doing this processing and attempts to understand and find a way through all of this.

The other thing I noticed today was how angry I feel - and how much an angry part of me is surfacing and expressing itself, and then I was amazed that the very next chapter of the book I'm reading is about dealing with Hostile and Angry parts - I feel like it's meant to be - but then it's probably because I'm reading of these things and relating to them, that those parts are being evoked. 

I have been planning to write 'about' the parts - but there's something really holding me back - and I wanted to write about what I think that is - and basically I think it's the fact that I'm worried about upsetting any of my wounded/fragmented parts - not doing them justice - I can't work out yet how they interact - and which parts join together in which situations - and although I'm beginning to get some ideas about that in my head, I really fear how they'll feel if I write about them.

I guess that's the phobic worry/defense of 'fear of inner experience' - but I don't know if that's completely it or not. 

I do get quite a few interjections from my younger parts - who seem to want me to talk about certain memories they have - but even for those memories, I am reluctant to write about them just yet - because there is something holding me back.  Once I work out more what is going on, then I hope to unleash this.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

I've been thinking of you today Hope,
My in-laws just left for Sweden yesterday.  My sister in law married a swede and they are moving to a new house.  My in-laws went to help them with the move.

I just wanted to send you some love 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
I haven't caught up in your journal, but I wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you often.  I think the work you are doing is impressive, reading all of the books and doing alot of introspection and trying to strengthen yourself, it is HARD work. Perhaps your partner is worried you'll overdo it? Scheduled breaks is also important, you're still working and processing during breaks even if you arent actively working. Perhaps you're already taking breaks! I just want to cheer alongside the work you're doing. 

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue - I appreciate your sending some love, and I reciprocate that back to you - you are often in my thoughts too - and it sounds like it's been a busy time with your in-laws going to help your sister-in-law move house.  I don't know how often you see your in-laws, but I hope that you are doing ok with the space whilst they are away.    to you.

Dear Sceal - I also think of you often too - and I very much appreciate you popping by to say what you said - and thank you so much.  You made me think about taking a break - I have been trying to get a balance, but I do think I push myself too hard to focus on so much challenging stuff - and really - there's no race to do it - I am going to be kind to myself today and try to pace things better.  I really am thankful that you said about taking breaks.  You're very right in what you say.    to you, Sceal   

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Journal Entry for 29th October 2018

It is nearly November.  The clock's have changed here in the UK and so it is darker in the mornings and also in the evenings.  I'm going to try to ahieve a balance today with regard to how I spend the day.  Time to rest, but also time to focus on things too - taking appropriate breaks - Sceal has reminded me of the importance of breaks, and I agree whole-heartedly.


So here's to a day of achieving balance - I'll see how I get on.


Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Hope,
That sounds lovely.  I am always searching for more balance myself.  Appropriate breaks with hard work sounds like good self care.    for your hard work honey