Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Jdog]

Hope67-

May you find the light in those darkened morning and evening hours.  Our time change in the US happens next weekend.  May you find peace as you go about your day.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue & Jdog - thank you both so much   

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Journal entry on 31st October 2018

I wanted to come here yesterday to write about what had happened over the past couple of days, but I was recovering from it still - and I realise still in a pretty big EF - but thankfully today I feel better.  So I'll just write about it - to remind myself of what happened and how I coped. 

I have a lot of anxiety around my GP - and how much I share in that situation - and so last year when my GP that I had come to trust and who knew me relatively well - as much as I could enable her to - was retiring - then it was very hard for me - brought up a lot of anxiety - and I tried to re-connect with another GP - whom I had seen a few years back - but found I couldn't - she couldn't remember me in sufficient detail to enable her to help me - and that's ok - because GP's don't see people for very long - just a few minutes at a time. 

I saw a Nurse yesterday for an appointment, and I was very anxious - although I feel sure that on the 'outside' I appeared completely calm - that is how I approach things - a mask of calmness but inside clearly I wasn't at all - and my blood pressure when she took it was sky high - when normally it is low.  I admitted to her that I was anxious, and then my little inners broke down, and I was crying infront of her - and I think I really surprised her, but she was very nice to me.

I was able to share with her that I was NC with my FOO and that I couldn't be sure of my medical history - because of how they've covered things up, and never been straight with me about anything.  So I did share that with her.  I also was able to tell her some of the medical history I was able to learn through the recent contact with my sister - although I didn't mention that my sister exists - just said I had found out some information - she reacted in a very calm way and reassured me on some things.

Anyway, I am glad that I went, although it caused me to be in an EF for the remainder of the day - and I felt such a range of feelings - and my head was in a lot of pain above the left eye - and around the eye-socket area - a bit like a migraine really - and I was shocked by how high my blood pressure had gone.

I know it was a big thing to have shared my family circumstances a little - and I am glad I did it.  The Nurse was kind and reassuring. 

Anyway, I'm taking it easy today - because I feel like it was a big ordeal to have gone through - my partner was surprised by how anxious I had become - but I've tried to explain to him - so he can understand why I felt like I did.

I feel very tearful as I write this, I guess it's feeling the sense of vulnerability again - so I'm going to have a cup of tea.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey honey,
I think you have mentioned this before that your littles don't like you sharing about your past or family.  It makes sense that your heart was racing as you were torn in 2.  Your littles want you to stay quiet and you, being the cognizant one needs to share medical history with medical professionals.  Quite the tug of war my dear.

Good job with self care and writing about your feelings here.  Much love darling

[Three Roses]

Nothing to add except a warm, safe .

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - what you said makes perfect sense, and I related very much to feeling as if I was 'torn' between my cognizant adult part - trying to take me to the Nurse to have my medical needs tended to, and my Littles who were very frightened.  Actually - I wonder if it's the fact that my Littles wanted to talk to that nurse, but there was a protector part that doesn't want them to - that makes more sense, as I felt like the Littles were 'reaching out' to the kindness that the Nurse portrayed.  I was aware of being extremely hypervigilant in the waiting room, and looking at every person's face and also wondering what the Nurse would be like - and I guess all that processing was meaning my heart-rate was racing etc.  Anyway, I am so relieved to have got through it!    to you for your lovely words too.  I always appreciate what you say.

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much - I reciprocate that hug - a warm and safe one - thank you 

*****
I have more appointments to attend tomorrow - this time I will need to be strong to accompany someone else to the GP - a different place to the one I went to yesterday - I desperately want to support this person, but I am once again wondering which parts of me will be activated during the appointment, and how I'll cope.  I am unsure.  But I will do my best - I am often better at supporting other people than I am at supporting myself - so I hope I'll be ok.  But my strength seems to be zapped a bit - I am feeling as if I need to re-charge my batteries, and they aren't working properly at the moment.  I think I need a 'new engine' - if that makes sense.  Isn't it a pity that we can't just take out the bits we need to change, and put in completely new ones - re-wired and without the memories.

But then, would life be as interesting as it can be - I don't know. 

I don't feel very in touch with my feelings just now - I feel like they're quite separate from me just now.  I am planning to have a quiet night.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Such an achievement! You really did some hard work with that nurse. I am so glad you dared to tell her a little bit.  I hope that this will be a step towards showing your littles that sometimes sharing the hard and painful, and scary things can be good and will be helpful to the whole of you.  if that's okay?

[Jdog]

Hope/

I'm just echoing the cheers and support of the other members here.  Great job!  And sending you much love for all that is yet to come.

Rest up, friend.

[Deep Blue]

It's funny you are accompanying someone else to the GP this week cuz I did something similar.

I finally got a friend of mine into therapy this week and accompanied her there. She was nervous and everything you would expect.  Surprisingly, I was calm.  I was glad I felt so calm because I didn't want to cause her additional stress.  The appointment went very well and I really was happy with the therapist I set her up with.

Great analysis Hope!
Take good care and get some rest 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal, Jdog & Deep Blue - thank you all so much.   

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Journal entry on 2nd November 2018

I have had a tough day today - so I'm going to be kind to myself tonight - however I do want to write about the past week here in my Journal - and I hope to do so over the weekend - so that's the plan.  But for now, I am going to 'rest up' (to use jdog's lovely phrase) - I think that's just what I need to do tonight.

to everyone in this forum - you are all special to me - and I appreciate so much that this place is here.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

I'm picturing you at rest and with a smile on your face!

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much. 
Hi Jdog - thank you - I did rest - and I have a smile on my face now!   

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Journal Entry on 3rd November 2018

It felt like an extra tough week for me - last week - it was very hard to talk to that Nurse about my personal things - plus the fact I was worried about her whilst I was doing it.  I know that probably sounds a bit strange, but I really was worried for her - as I knew she was sitting there with her list of things she wanted to get through, and I was ending up being tearful and distraught - and I worried about her, in addition to myself. 

But - the thing is that I did manage to go there, and I did manage to say something.  She was able to reassure me on a couple of things - so that was good.  I have registered with a new GP - I was able to see a photo of her - as they had a TV screen showing all their medical staff and their special interests etc - and I looked at my new GP and thought she looked approachable.  So that was good.  My adult self and my littles seemed to think she 'looked' ok.  I have no idea when I'll need to go and see her - and meet her - I am likely to avoid it really - until I have to go.   I think I am a bit avoidant of medical people generally. 

I am also worried about what that Nurse will write about me - and how she'll record her notes - on the computer, but I wonder what she will put.  How she will describe me.  That kind of thing.  I know I felt a lot of shame for being there as an adult woman and unable to keep myself 'together' to talk without breaking down in tears. 

The other thing is that I had prepared for that appointment, as I have previously had copies of my medical notes - and the night before I had read through them, and made some 'notes' on them.  Except that the process of doing that meant that I came face to face with the past few years of my medical history and I realised how dissociated I had been through quite a few of those years - and reading some things really shocked different parts of me - I got some big EF's too - during that night - and felt my anxiety spiralling off - I realised how long I'd been on medication prevously - and how difficult I had found it to come off that medication.  I guess that was what worried me - seeing the Nurse - that maybe she'd see my anxiety and think I needed medication again - which I don't feel I need at all - I think that was a fear.

Then - later in the week I was accompanying someone to the GP - and that went ok - I think I dissociated during the process of doing that - it was like it didn't affect me at all.  But when some results were shared, I felt a lot of relief - as I realise that I had been very worried about the outcome - and how it might go. 


The night after that - I slept very well - much deeper and in a more relaxed way.  Probably just exhausted.

Last night, I felt as if younger parts of me were trying to communicate with me - during my sleep - but in the light of day, I can't recall what they communicated - it's just a 'sense' I have that they did. 

I avoided a social thing mid-week - just felt I couldn't cope with it - and gave an excuse for not being able to do it. 

I think overall I'm doing ok.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope,
So great to hear that you are doing a little better.  You showed some excellent strength and self analysis this week.  It is no wonder you were tired.

I really see some big positive steps as well.  Within the same week you had an appointment where you felt unsure and off balance and then were STILL able to be there for someone else.  Wow that is so great. 

I think it's ok to be nervous about meeting new people and Especially new doctors.  I'm glad to hear you were able to calm the littles with some self care and finally able to sleep a little better too.

Continue to take care of you Hope

[Sceal]

Hope,
I think it's brave of you to face what you fear in regards to medical professionals. I know this is really hard for you, but you did it! And it seems like you are acknowleding for yourself too, that you did it despite it being difficult!
I don't think that the nurse would have seen you as a bother, if she had a lot she absolutley HAD to go through, and that there was emergency tasks that had a spesific deadline - she would have let you know. But from what you wrote, she took her time to talk to you and to listen. That to me are signs that she cares.

I avoided a social thing mid-week - just felt I couldn't cope with it - and gave an excuse for not being able to do it. 

I think that it was very well done setting a boundary. You checked in with yourself and found that the social engagement were too much for you this week. And you said no. I think that's a good step in setting clear boundaries for yourself. 

if you want one!

[Blueberry]

Hope, I feel like sending you some  From what I gather you're doing a lot of healing work atm but I'm unable to read about it. That would be one of many things too much.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue, Sceal & Blueberry - thank you all so much.   I want to say more to each of you - but right now, I am in a rush - as I have the equivalent of my 'in-laws' coming around later - and I find that quite triggering in a few ways!!!  I feel sure you understand this.

*****
Journal entry for 4.11.18
The equivalent of my 'in-laws' are due soon - I have been trying to get things ready - tidy - hide away signs of self-help books (of which there are many!) and try to portray a life that is 'ok' - I am triggered quite a bit by this - and I will be relieved when things are back to normal again tomorrow - i.e. when they have gone away...  They are nice people in themselves, but I don't think they understand me - and of course I don't feel I trust them enough to open up to them. 

Anyway, I am managing to just about cope - rushing around, trying to sort things out.  One good thing is that things look much tidier than they did before!!!  So I think that's good!

There are some silver linings to everything - and that's one of them.

Hope to catch up here tomorrow - hope to have a bit more time then.

Hope