Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue & Blueberry,

  to you both, and thank you! 

****Journal entry on 23rd May 2018 - might be some triggers in this - as I'm feeling a bit angry inside... so not sure what I may or may not say...

Today I was re-reading a letter that my M had sent me, during the time when we were VLC (very low contact) and she was expressing herself with regard to our estrangement.  She didn't take any responsibility at all for anything - she basically said that she had no idea what the matter with me is, and she told me she and my F were 'very ashamed of' me.  There was NO acknowledgement whatsoever that they might have been contributory factors in my current issues. 

It was like she was expecting me to 'come to my senses' and re-establish contact, and just 'fall into line' again and 'obey'. 

So today, I am celebrating the fact that I haven't succumbed to this pressure, that I've remained true to my own convictions that I am better off free from their toxic hold.   (As I've just written that, I've adapted the title of this journal to say there might be some triggers within what I'm writing - because a flash of anger came over me, and it makes me wonder whether I might say something 'bad').

I've started reading yet another book - one I found in the library, and it's called 'The Trouble with Alex' and it's by a woman called Melanie Allen.  She has written about her experiences adopting a little girl who has learning difficulties and has been emotionally abused in her childhood (i.e. Alex has) - and it just describes how difficult the woman finds the process of caring for Alex. 

I am finding that I am relating to some of Alex's issues - and that I'm interested in how the lady who is adopting/fostering her is coping.  I also feel as if Alex represents more how my sister may have been when she was a child, and how my parents might have tried to cope with her - and the fact they were young and inexperienced with caring for troubled children, and how they struggled to cope.  But yet, their struggling then impacted on the care that was given, and it got out of control.  I think I was a much more 'controlled' and 'parentified' child - keen to do 'the right thing' and 'behave' - and yes, I did behave, but to the expense of my own 'self' - I was restrained, controlled, subdued.  I know that I would have witnessed quite a lot of difficult stuff between my parents and my sister - she told me that I was there when a lot of physical stuff went on.  I think I dissociated a lot during that time, and that's been a pattern that has followed me throughout adulthood - my ability to dissociate - it is a double edged sword, and I can see some positives to dissociation - i.e. as a helpful strategy to survive, but also some negatives.  I've read things about it - and relate to it.

Last night I was watching a film with my partner, and he commented that the film was 'very hard to follow' - and that made me think to myself - 'That's how ALL films feel to me' - regardless of their content - I typically find them 'very hard to follow' - as I am not present throughout - my mind goes to so many other places, and then I've lost the thread of what's happening.  So that was interesting to hear his perspective.

This morning I was going to 'rush around' and get through a lot of things - because I felt I'd got behind, after yesterday's 'melt-down' of my emotions - but then I stopped myself, and decided to take a more 'relaxed approach' - whereby I just tried to focus on one thing, and then move on slowly to another - and somehow that's really calmed my senses.  Enabled me to 'think' and process things.  I am grateful for that.  Then reading my M's letter to me, and thinking about how she just wasn't able to acknowledge ANYTHING being wrong on her part, and how amazing that must be to be so blinkered in approach and so closed off to any expression of love or connection for her daughter - she doesn't once say anything about caring for me, or loving me - just about how I've disappointed her, and that she is 'thoroughly ashamed' with me and my behaviour.

Regarding how I feel about that - inside me, I can feel that there's a part that is 'wailing and upset' - and another part is 'angry' and yet another part is 'incredulous' at how someone could be like that, and show no sense of caring and compassion.  Mixed feelings.  But the fact I'm feeling them, it feels like some progress, as I often minimise things - certain things, and catastrophise others, and there isn't usually a pattern I can decipher about which way that will turn out.

I talked yet again to my partner about my concerns about the person that was bothering me yesterday - and my fears about those things, and I became quite tearful - and upset.  I explained to him that I feel as if I'm 'pathetic' at such times, because I wonder how other people would approach the same situation, and I feel 'lacking' in my ability to be strong, but he pointed out to me that most people feel like that underneath at times.  I know he's right, and I also know that on the 'outside' people often assume that I'm a 'coper' and that I show a serene and coping face - and that's because I 'do show that face' - but underneath I feel like the swan trying to keep afloat on the water - serene on top, but flaying around underneath.

I think I'm a bit dissociated now - whilst writing this, because once again, I feel like I'm writing 'about someone' and not actually experiencing this myself - I'm not in touch with my emotions - although I can 'see them' and 'feel them a little' but I feel certain that I'm not experiencing them how most people might - or at least that's what I sense.

I went into the Blog post by the Artist - Martina I think her name is - but that's from my memory - and it was lovely to talk there with her and Kizzie about doing Collages and expressing creativity through Art.  I would like to do that.  Even though I feel afraid by what I produced that one time when I did an Art therapy session.  But if I just 'play around' with some Art - either drawing, painting or writing, then I can see what comes out, and there's no wrong or right way - just whatever happens.

I feel quite upset inside now - like I want to cry. 

I'm going to enjoy a cup of tea.  That sounds like a good idea.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,
A big    to you!
You've processed ALOT today. Re-reading the letter from your M and her inability to take responsibility for her actions towards her child must be so painful. It is always the adults responsibility, never the child. Even if the child is "acting up" or being "difficult", it is always the adult who is responsible for the actions taken to help, heal, prevent and support. And it seems your M never took that responsibility upon herself.
I've heard it can be easier to put the blame upon others, and maybe that's what she did? But it doesn't make it right.

I think your partner is right, that everyone feels out of sorts and not okay when their boundaries have been stepped over or broken down. And that most people can find it difficult to stand up for them selves when their boundaries are about to be pushed aside. I think you did the right thing by telling this other person that her questioning and demanding of answers by you were not okay, and it's a subject you aren't willing to talk about with that particular person - and she(he?) should accept that. Saying no, and standing firm by it is something I find super challening and I tend not to be able to stand firm. So I am super impressed with you, that you did it! And I'm here, cheering profoundly for you! 

I hope the cup of tea was helpful getting you out of dissociative state, and allowed you to process your mixed feelings a little bit further.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Thank you for the lovely hug and sending one back to you  - thank you so much for recognising what I processed yesterday and for validating that for me.  I appreciate that so much, and you're right, the adult should always be the 'responsible' one - but sadly some of us have found our FOO have let us down - for whatever reasons.

I also really appreciate your cheering me - in terms of standing up  for my personal boundaries.  It was incredibly hard to do, but I felt I needed to do it, and I found it so helpful to come here and 'off-load' about my thoughts and feelings about it.  I also found talking to my partner to be really helpful, and I also told a close friend, and she was incredibly supportive too - so I have reached out and found support - which is incredible.  I used to handle things completely by myself in the past, throughout my childhood, I was pretty much self-dependent - didn't feel I could trust anyone - so to have been able to make friendships as an adult, and know that I can talk about things, it's a very special thing.

I am grateful to everyone here in the forum for being able to understand me, because I feel like you DO understand me, and I feel supported by that.  It is a very special thing.

****
Journal Entry for 24th May 2018
I've started a new thread (thanks to the encouragement of several people but particularly Blueberry) which is about Creativity and Inner Children, and I am already excited about this, because my inner child (Little Hope) is jumping up and down about it and cheering!!!     So something has got to be right about it!!!

Hopefully it will mean that I'll move from 'procrastination' into 'action' - and I'll achieve something.  I do feel hopeful about it.  I really do.

I have agreed to attend a social thing tonight - so I am already feeling as if I want to cancel it...  But I am going to make myself go, and make myself hopefully manage to cope.  I'll see how it goes. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 25th May 2018
I am feeling a bit more positive today - which is good.  I hope that I can hold onto this positivity and that I won't be hijacked by too many unexpected things - there have been a few too many of those lately - but thankfully I have managed to cope.  So that is good.

I did something social last night, and I had been feeling like cancelling it for parts of the day, but I made myself keep my commitment, and in the end, it was ok.  Things like that usually are ok in the end, but there is always a greater part of me that doesn't want to 'go through it' - and would rather 'get out of it'.  But I am glad that I did it, and I feel that it was a good thing to have done.

I'm feeling slightly annoyed at myself now, because I feel like my writing is 'stilted' - and I wish it would flow better.  I wish I could be more 'at ease' with myself - rather than ever-analysing myself - but it's a habit that I've developed since so long ago - keeping hypervigilant to everything, including the words and everything around them.

I have found it helpful when I've tried to allow my subconscious mind to surface more - and when I've tried to enable a space for my wounded parts to communicate - as in the Meditation Circle that Janina Fisher talks about in her book - that is very helpful, and I remember that I wrote some of those communications somewhere in this forum - I hope to do that again, as it was helpful.  I was surprised at what came out, but also pleased to think that my wounded parts are communicating with me, and allowing me to see more snippets of memory - from time to time.

I'm also finding that reading books about fostering and adoption of children with challenging behaviours and/or emotional problems is really helpful to me, in that during the reading of those books, I either relate to the experiences of the children, or my inner children listen avidly to whatever care provider is with them, and takes something from their help/support - or attempts to help and support - and also they often refer the child to someone professional  - like a counsellor or a psychologist, and then I hang onto the words that they say - because they are often very adept at discussing the things that might have contributed - and it helps me at many levels.  I think I'm soaking up information - and taking the bits that are meaningful to me and to my wounded parts, and then I can leave the remainder parts that aren't so helpful. 

That's how it feels at the moment.  It's helpful. 

Again, I am thinking about how I'm feeling 'right now' and thankfully I feel a bit more 'at ease' and less stilted now.  Shows how changeable it is - one moment feeling 'stuck' and 'held back' and another minute feeling like I can flow and express things better.  I think that feels like some progress - I am feeling some happiness inside right now.   

Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,

I am glad to hear that you went to the social engagement despite not really wanting to go, and that it turned out okay.

I think it's good that you manage to observe that you can get out of the feeling of being stuck and down. To experience that it is a passing feeling is important to have. Sending you a warm and friendly 
I wish you a good weekend!

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much, both for your acknowledgement and validation, and also for the warm and friendly hug  - I also wish you a good weekend!   

****
Journal Entry for 26th May 2018
I was reading some things that other people had written in the forum, in relation to how the Bank Holiday weekend or the sunnier weather can have an impact - and it's helped me to look on this weekend a bit differently than normal - just hearing those reflections and thoughts on it.  I relate to the pressure to behave a certain way - and so I'm thinking that I don't need to put that pressure onto myself - I know that Memorex spoke of wanting to enjoy a bath and read a book - and I thought - what a great idea!  Some reading, and possibly a relaxing bath at some point over the weekend - and so now I'm thinking I'll do that - and giving myself permission to do that - it feels like a luxury and it feels indulgent, and I am actually thinking - that's ok. 

I don't know what it is, but today - I feel 'lighter' - I feel 'happier' - as if I want to 'play a bit' and as if that's 'ok'.  This is a bit strange, as I am far more used to feeling as if I 'shouldn't be feeling a certain way' - or indeed, I can often feel much heavier and more unpleasant feelings crowding my space.  But today - I feel a whole lot lighter and freer.  I don't know if this feeling will last, but I hope it lingers for a while...!

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

That's wonderful Hope!
 

I bath sounds lovely.  I hope you get lots of relaxation and time for Hope.

Much love 
Deep Blue

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Actually I haven't had a bath - despite thinking it would be a good idea.  It's been very hot weather, and somehow having a bath seems to be something I'd prefer to do on a colder day.  But I have taken some time to try to relax more this weekend, and so far, it's been ok.    to you, Deep Blue - hope your weekend is going ok.

****
Journal Entry on 27th May 2018

My emotions have been 'up' and also 'down' over the weekend so far.  I've had moments when I've felt 'lighter' and 'more at peace' and also a bit 'excited' about life - and there have been moments when I feel really tearful and 'down' - so I guess my mood has been 'up and down'. 

I think that Bank Holiday weekends are more challenging - because they are typically times when people spend time with family - and of course I am estranged from my FOO - it's not that I want to re-connect - because I don't.  I know it's better for me and my sanity to stay with the status quo, but at the same time, Bank holiday weekends raise the issues of being separated - however, I am not going to let it affect me too much - I am going to try to maintain the lighter more hopeful moments - and I am hoping to get through the more down periods.  Both express different parts of me, and I am aware of that, so I'm not rushing away from either - I'm just tolerating them both, and seeing what happens.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

you seem to be navigating these up and down waters quite well.  good for you!  you sound much calmer, more peaceful inside of you with these last few posts.  i'm really glad for you for that.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  i love what i'm seeing.   love and hugs to you, too.

[Libby183]

Hi Hope.

Everything you said about bank holidays and their connections with FOO rang so true for me as well.

I have always felt so I'll at ease around these holidays,  even as a child. Now there seems to be such a pressure to behave in a certain way on a sunny bank holiday weekend,  and so much shame and guilt if you don't.

But I am right beside you in this idea that we accept our feelings, some positive and some sad, about what these times mean to us. I really like that you are feeling a bit more light and alive,  whilst accepting the less positive emotions around your FOO.
I think that I have managed this much better than usual this holiday weekend. I really think that we are on the right track, so to speak. Accepting the sadness,  but ditching any shame around how we now choose to spend these times. 

I hope you have a nice day today,  doing whatever you decide to do, and finding some small pleasures - the sort that make us feel alive!

Hugs,

Libby.

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to pop by and give you a  and a wish that your day will be lighter and good.

Sceal

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Libby & Sceal,
Thank you all for your lovely comments - it's so nice to pop in here today and find your responses, and makes me feel good. 
SanMagic - I appreciate your words - and love the description of 'navigating the waters - up and down' - it's a good analogy - I really like it.      to you, SanMagic.
Libby - I appreciate so much that you're right beside me in the idea of accepting our feelings - whatever they happen to be - and I am so glad to hear that you've managed better than usual on this holiday weekend - I agree - I think we're on the 'right track' - and I'm all for accepting the sadness, whilst ditching any shame regarding our behaviour - we can choose how we spend our time, and that's ok!  Hugs back to you, Libby - hope the Bank Holiday Monday is going ok.   
Sceal - My day is lighter and going ok so far - and I so much appreciate your hug, and hope that yours is ok too -  to you Sceal. 

***
Journal Entry on 28th May 2018
I really do feel quite a bit better today - compared with how I normally feel in Bank holiday weekends - and I really think it's down to the support of this forum, and knowing that we're navigating the waters of C-PTSD together - borrowing that analogy from SanMagic, it's great!

Last night, whilst dropping off to sleep, I felt as if a 'wounded part' had joined me for part of the night - because I felt a really strong sense of 'despondency' and 'sadness' - it was pervasive and very very strong.  It was like it was showing me glimpses and flashbacks of things - little memories - but also 'feelings' - and although it didn't make much sense in terms of being in any coherent or organised way, I just went with the flow, and allowed those things to happen, and allowed myself to feel that despondency and that sadness - and I didn't try to deflect it away, or avoid it, I just 'lay there' and experienced it.  It wasn't frightening or any negative emotion to accompany it, and I just 'listened' and 'allowed' that wounded part to communicate.

Today, I've allowed my inner children to 'play a bit' and I must write about that in the Creativity thread, as I want to share that there - so I hope I don't forget to pop by there and write something.

I think I'll do that now.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

That's some really excellent work Hope!  Sounds like those wounded parts were heard by you and then said their piece.  You are awesome   

[sanmagic7]

ditto what  deep blue said.  very proud of you that you let those feelings just be.  moving forward, hope, in so many ways.  love and hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue & SanMagic - thank you both.   

****
Journal Entry on 29th May 2018
I have been doing some things on my 'To Do' list - and ticking them off - which means I've actually been doing them!  I am happy about that.  It's a good start to the day.  I hope I can keep up this momentum - I have a couple of 'sociable' things I need to do later - and I am intending to do both - and not get out of either of them! 

For some reason I've managed to mislay where I've put my Janina Fisher book - and I want to re-read it - and yet I wonder why I've mislayed it.  I will hope to find it later.  I am thinking that I would like to make some more progress on identifying my wounded/fragmented parts - I have a sense of what they are like, and 'who' they are - but it is quite difficult to conceptualise them - I know that WhoBuddy has 'plush parts' to represent them, (I think that was the description) - but I've not got that far - as mine are currently 'images' or 'thoughts' or 'glimpses of pictures' - rather than more substantive things.

I think I need to re-read Janina's book, so I can get to grips with the process again, and try it in a more formal way.

I feel as if I'm 'ready' to do that - it feels like the right time.   

Hope