Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Blueberry]

Have a great break from Internet and enjoy those books!

[Jdog]

 

[Hope67]

Hello Deep Blue, SanMagic, Blueberry & Jdog - thank you all for your lovely messages here - 

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Journal Entry on 17th December 2018
Re-surfacing again after a break - and I feel better for having space and time - I feel like I've got a few things I'd like to say, and yet - as I sit here - thinking about what to write/where to start - I find I can't put the words down.  Don't feel I can do them justice - so I'll hopefully just come back when I can convey my thoughts and write more.

But I am thankful for this place - such a haven of safety and calm. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

   glad you're back hope and that your time away was pos. for you.  sending love.

[Hope67]

Thanks SanMagic, sending love back to you as well.   

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17th December 2018
I am feeling a bit anxious at the moment, as I am intending to watch a film tonight that I recorded on the TV - which is called 'The Old Dark House' - and it was a film that caused me a lot of upset when I was a small child - as I remember watching it - and then not being able to sleep for weeks after - so I think that my little self is a bit scared about the thought of watching it tonight, but I want to - because I want to process it as an adult - and remind myself of what it was like - I couldn't believe it when I saw that it was going to be on TV today - I've tried to find it before, but never been able to locate the film. 
I talked to my partner about it today - and got quite a strong EF type reaction in myself - but he reassured me that I should be ok.  I hope so.  I think it's something I've wanted to do - see the film - as an adult - to see how I feel about it now.
Anyway, wanted to write that - and I'll be interested to see how it goes after I've seen it.  Hopefully I'll be ok. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

I'm really interested to see what you find out!

[sanmagic7]

i hope it works out well for you, hope.  let us know, ok?  love and hugs.

[Deep Blue]

Wow that's brave of you Hope.  Best of luck darling.

[Jdog]

Best wishes, dear Hope!

[Blueberry]

Good to see you back after your break.

That's brave of you, wanting to see that film from the perspective of an adult. I hope it went OK

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope I'm sending good vibes for your movie night makes me nervous thinking about it.

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses, SanMagic, Deep Blue, Jdog, Blueberry & Wattlebird - thank you all for your lovely comments - I felt you all behind me when I was watching that film last night - it really helped.   

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Journal Entry on 18th December 2018
So, I finally got to watch the film 'The Old Dark House' - which had really scared me and terrified me - when I was a small child - and this time, I watched it from the perspective of an adult - although I was aware that there were younger 'parts' of me also watching too - I felt that strongly through certain parts of the film.  But I also felt that the adult part of me that is capable of 'looking after' the other parts - was able to be there - and help me to cope.  My partner was also there - and he checked with me that I was ok.

***Potential TW - mentioning some aspects of the film - death and scary themes***

Things that came to mind during the film were that I remembered some of the terrifiying parts - and I can see why they were so upsetting to a small child - I was thinking - "How could adults allow a child to see this film?"   "It's not appropriate for a small child" - honestly, there are themes of death - there are murders throughout the film, and they depict the death in terms of people with 'staring eyes', and also the house itself was depicted as being a 'living and breathing' kind of house that trapped its occupants and could potentially do damage to them.  So - for a small child - who was living (as I was) in an old house that had many creepy aspects to it, and was living with FOO who were similar to the occupants - in terms of controlling the occupants and having power over them - there were disturbing things about that. 

The worst part of that film was the death of an elderly lady - and how she was killed - and how they find her body by following her knitting wool to the scene of her demise - and 'little me' could remember that - but seeing it as 'adult me' - it helped me.  Honestly - it was helpful. 

The thing is that now I've seen the film - I feel like it's helped me to put some context on why I felt so terrified by it in the first place - that it is understandable that a very young child would feel frightened - and also knowing that my FOO wouldn't be likely to discuss themes of death or dying - I would be left to try to cope with the terrified feelings pretty much on my own.  My memories were that I couldn't sleep in my bedroom for 'weeks' - and I would be terrified to go to sleep - because when I did sleep, I'd have visions of death - and cry out "the popping eyes" (because of how they'd depicted people having staring eyes).

The other thing is that they used nursery rhymes during the film - both 'Humpty Dumpty' and 'The Bells of St. Clements' - and the way they did that was creepy.  Yet to a small child, who knows those nursery rhymes - that must have affected me too. 

I had been scared to watch it - anticipating it - but the thing is that it was better than I thought it would be - in that I coped ok.  Somehow it feels 'less scary' now - because I can see it for what it is - just a film.  Done by the Hammer people - film-makers from the 1960's - it's supposed to be a 'comedy' - but as a child I didn't see the comedy in it.  I can see it as an adult - but I am also shocked by how my FOO could allow me to see such a film as a young child.  I wish they hadn't.  But I'm also aware that it was other context surrounding me - and my experiences at the time - which made it more hurtful to watch it - if I'd been safe and secure in a loving home - with FOO who could protect me - and nurture me - then maybe I could have watched such a film - but without that - I was hurled into a terrified confusion and found it hard to cope.

I didn't realise I'd end up writing so much about it - but it's taken me years to find this film, and so to watch it - and put the ghosts of it to bed, that is a positive thing.

Thanks to everyone for the support - I really felt you all there alongside me - and I feel sure I'd never have reached the point of being able to watch this - and manage so well - without you.  Thank you.


Hope 

[Three Roses]

Dear Hope - I'm so happy to hear this! One less thing to cause terror to your Littles! I hope they can accept the counsel of you and the older parts that they don't have this to fear any more.

[Sceal]

Sounds like you are testing your boundaries and moving out of your comfort zones. Both for adult you, and the little ones. It is very brave and important work to do. I'm cheering for you!

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses & Sceal - thank you both for your kind comments, and support.   

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Journal Entry on 19th December 2018
I've just been catching up with other people's Journals - and I enjoyed doing that - because I'd missed contact here - even though taking a break from technology was a good thing for me.  I also embrace the chance to connect here with people who understand and who don't judge me.  I really find that a precious thing.

I wanted to write more but I've run out of time - and so I'll hope to come back either later today or tomorrow - depending on how the day goes. 
Hope