Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Deep Blue]

Dearest Hope,
I must say (selfishly) I miss you when you take those technology breaks.  I'm glad that they are helpful to you though.

You have such a caring spirit my dear.  We are grateful for you too

[sanmagic7]

we miss you, too, hope - you are precious to us.

hope the rest of your day goes well.  keep taking care of you.  love and hugs.

[Wattlebird]

We're glad your back hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue, SanMagic & Wattlebird - I'm glad to be back too - I still thought about you all whilst on my technology break - and wondered how you were.   

***********
Journal Entry on 20th December 2018
I am facing more social things this week - one by one - I've accepted a few invitations to meet up with different friends - and I've got another one today.  It's going ok.  I have been enjoying things - and feeling less anxious beforehand, which is good.  I think it's because I am only accepting things that feel manageable - I prefer meeting someone on a one-to-one basis, rather than the idea of a group.  Groups or parties are over-whelming to me, and I tend to avoid them.  I have been to some over the years, but there have been many times when I've ended up too anxious or feeling that I can't cope - and I've cancelled them.

I think this year is better than some previous years - since being estranged from FOO - in that I am no longer ruminating all the time about them - I still get thoughts of them, but I am no longer thrown into feeling 'out of control' - I find I can manage the thoughts better.  Consider them, and cope better with them.

I think my mood is improving too - in that I am feeling some sense of excitement about things - for example watching TV programmes that I enjoy - I find I'm able to be in the moment more - rather than dissociating off and thinking about other things. 

I have noticed that my inner critic is not as vocal as normal - there are more supportive parts that are telling me that I'm ok - that I can pace myself and not do things to a ridiculously perfect standard, and that's ok! 

I've not had any night terrors for a long time now - I feel better about the thought of sleep.  I sleep quite well.

I'm even considering the potential of doing some work next year - when I say next year - I literally mean January 2019 - I am not sure how that will go, but I think if I'm careful and make sure I only do part-time hours - then I could hopefully begin to generate some income again.  But I'll see how it goes.  Take it slowly.  See what happens.

I chose my name on here 'Hope' because I wanted to have 'Hope' - and I honestly feel more hopeful at the moment.  I appreciate that feeling, and am wishing that it will stay with me.

Hope 

[Jdog]

I'm glad you got through it and have a new perspective about this.  I remember watching the old "Twilight Zone" episodes with my Dad before bed time and several of them kept me sleepless for extended periods of time.  It seems like in today's world, kids movies are even scarier than in the past at times.  I hope people keep the under 12 crowd away from such films.

Anyway, glad you are ok!

[Blueberry]

That sounds like tons of progress, Hope!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog, Sorry to hear you had extended times when you couldn't sleep after watching those Twilight Zone episodes with your Dad.  I agree, and hope that people can keep the younger kids away from programmes that will distress them and disturb them.  Thanks for your concern, and I appreciate it very much. 

Hi Blueberry - thank you very much.  I love those cheers.  Also the hug 

*************
Journal Entry on 22nd December 2018
I was searching everywhere today for some documents that I need - and whilst I was doing so, I came across some old photos of my FOO - taken when they had first met - and I happened to notice a date on the back of one of the photos - which showed them when they had clearly first met - back in the 1950's.  I noticed the date on the photo - and realised that something that my sister had told me - about how long they had known each other, couldn't have been correct - so she must have assumed things about them based on what her Grand-mother had told her - rather than on the reality of the situation.

This caused me to feel some upset, and some confusion, and I guess what went through my mind is how I can't believe anything that any of my FOO have said to me - I can't believe my parents, I can't believe my sister.  There isn't any of them who will be up front and tell the truth of the situation - and I need to live with that fact.  It's a stark thing though - makes me feel very heavy and sad in my heart.  I cried when I saw the photos - because it reminded me of how I had at one time sometimes idolised them - thinking they were a beautiful couple - and thinking that I loved them very much.  That was true - i.e. I did love them.  I guess there are parts of me that do still love them.  But I feel betrayed by all the deception and hidden aspects of life - and how they painted a picture of life that clearly wasn't accurate or true. 

I still haven't found the documents I need to find, and I think I might have to re-apply for them, which will cost me money - but I will continue the search - as I don't want to spend extra money if I don't need to.  I have a lot of expenses this Christmas, and I am on a tight budget - although I am hoping that I will perhaps do some part-time work next year - if I can manage to do it.  I remain hopeful about it.  I feel stronger in myself and I think I could cope - but I need to set limits and ensure that I don't do more than I can cope with. 

The other thing that bothered me about one of the photos of my FOO (parents) was that my F had his arm around her neck, and it was a very threatening possessive kind of stance - like he was 'owning her' rather than them being together in a photo.  I showed it to my partner, without mentioning my thoughts on it, and he immediately commented that it was quite an aggressive pose - showing dominance and possessiveness.  Interesting that we both saw the same things in that photo. 

I've managed to cope with some social things this week - even though they were just one-on-one (I.e. I met up with friends individually - rather than in groups) and it was fine.  But what I noticed was that I would tend to arrive at a venue early, and then when the time of the appointment came, I would then become quite anxious if my friend was a bit late.  It was like it triggered an EF kind of feeling - almost as if I felt abandoned by the slight lateness.  I was able to think about this more objectively rather than end up getting bogged down with the feeling, and I was more interested and observing of it - as opposed to 'feeling it' (if that makes sense).

There was an evening when my partner was out and didn't get back till later, and I felt anxious then as well - it reminded me of times when I had panicked when home alone in the past, and how I don't deal with that very well.  I guess I dislike being on my own.  Although there are times when I also savour that aloneness - because these days I feel like I am not alone - as I have my younger parts with me most of the time.

Talking of my 'parts' - I have been aware of a more aggressive/angry part of me - who tends to swear quite a bit and wants to push people  away physically - it's like he/she wants to protect me, and doesn't like people being physically close - I have to remind myself that I am safe and that there isn't any need for that protection - so I try to tell that part that I'm ok.  What has been interesting is that I think I've actually begun to feel some anger towards some family members in my FOO.  I don't seem able to find that feeling normally - but lately I have been feeling it.

Since getting back online and looking at Facebook again, I've been seeing what my sister is posting, and I've been getting annoyed by the things she puts.  She has very different beliefs to me, we are very different - and some of her political views are at complete opposites to mine, and I don't understand where she is coming from - but then I feel bad, as I think to myself - she had a tough upbringing.  We had very different experiences.  But at the same time, I feel that her experiences might even have been better than my own.  Although I doubt she would necessarily agree with that. 

This time of year is tough in itself - because although there are some very positive things about it - I find it overwhelming to interact with my partner's family - short moments are ok, but it is usually over a few days - and whilst I do like them, and they are kind, I also find I want to be a hermit and 'get away' and 'protect myself' - but I'll need to 'put a face on to show that I'm calm and happy' - and maybe that's a hard thing to do.  I should just be more authentic and be myself, but I'm still discovering who that is.

I've made a lot of progress - I know that.  But it is exhausting sometimes - at the same time.  When there are holidays.  Family occasions. 

Writing this is making me feel sad - but I find that interesting in itself, because often I can write things and 'feel nothing' and then it's only when I 're-read it' that I will 'feel' anything - but somehow as I write this, I feel things - so I'm more in the moment with writing this.  I think that's a good thing.  But it's also tough to feel.  But I want to feel things.  I think it's important.  It's living life to feel things - and different from my usual reaction to dissociate and minimise and numb myself. 

I'll try to find those documents tomorrow - before re-applying for them - maybe I'll find them. 

Anyway, it was good to write all of this down.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Interesting about the photo Hope. Did you find it validating at all that your partner was struck by the aggressiveness in it, just as you are.

I agree that this time of the year can bring good things but also be very tough.  A forum friend told me that maybe if we build up enough positive moments they can outweigh the bad.

I also had that angry part of me.  Mine showed up during my abuse and took about 10 years to go away.  After another traumatic experience, that part of just faded away and I have not really seen her since.  So now it's been another 10 years with that part Of me gone.

Take good care hope

[Blueberry]

I've just read your post Hope. There's so much in it, it seems so much is evolving for you atm. That's beneficial in its way, but I also know how overwhelming it can be. Then coupled with this time of year - not easy. 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope
Good work observing your feelings instead of being in it, I also have anger emerging, I guess when your parts feel safer the emotion doesn't need to be dissociated as much, a good sign you are doing good work with your parts.

[Jdog]

Hope, I am also in a phase of letting myself feel my feelings and it is not easy at all.  I admire your courage and your constant inquisitiveness about your own reactions to things that took place within your family. 

Sending love and support as you navigate the holidays.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - Thank you - Yes, I did find it validating that my partner felt the same way about the photo.  It was helpful to hear his thoughts - and that they echoed my own.    I like what your forum friend said about building up positive moments to outweigh the bad - I hope to work on that!     Thank you also for sharing your experience of your angry part, and how she faded away - I'm glad you haven't seen her since.    to you, Deep Blue.

Hi Blueberry - Thanks so much for the group hug and the hugs - I always appreciate them, and I appreciate you.     It does feel like there's a lot evolving at the moment - and it does feel over-whelming at times, but at the same time, I am grateful that things are changing.

Hi Wattlebird - I really appreciate what you said about the parts feeling safer and therefore the emotion not needing to be dissociated from as much - I hadn't thought of it in that way - but it makes sense.  I hope you're coping with your anger emerging - it's not easy to manage that (at least I think so).    to you, Wattlebird.

Hi Jdog - Thank you for the love and support and also for your reflections to me - and I also wish you the best with navigating feeling things more - I agree, it's not easy at all - kudos to us all that we are facing these things and negotiating our way - but it's so much better doing this with mutual support - this forum is such a valuable and important place - and you (and everyone here) mean a lot - on that journey.   

**********
Journal Entry on 23rd December 2018
I have experienced a day when things have proved to be harder than they should be.  I have had to try to sort out a few things, and somehow things kept going wrong - but I found I had some stamina to keep going and trying to sort them out.  Although I found that when I tried to explain to my partner what had happened in a couple of phone calls I had made, that I ended up crying.  I think it's something about 'saying it aloud' to someone - as it is easier to handle something at the time, but then the emotional reactivity follows on - and especially if I say it aloud - in terms of talking about the emotion. 

I am pleased that I've got through the day though - and essentially it's gone ok.  Despite things feeling like they were going wrong, essentially nothing terrible has happened.  So that's good.

The way I feel right at this moment, I feel as if I could sleep for a week, but I know I need to do things tomorrow - as the Christmas things are stacking up - and people will be expecting things.  But maybe they won't be expecting anything of me, and it's all in my mind that they are.  I need to just take things moment by moment, and know that 'this too will pass'.  That's a helpful saying - especially when I'm not sure how it will go.

I've been dreaming a bit more lately - but not in terms of night terrors - just dreams - and the content was such that I ended up in foreign countries on some kind of Adventure - I wonder how come that is happening.  It's not a bad thing, but I'm just curious. 

Interesting that the angry part of me seems to have quietened down today - I rarely noticed him/her - and I don't really know why I can't decide whether that part is male or female - it's just an angry voice and feeling - rather than any particular gender.  But it was quiet today.  Maybe because I talked about it here - I don't know. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 24th December 2018
I slept well last night, so I have woken feeling more refreshed, and I'm glad about that, as I will be doing social things later today - and of course tomorrow and the next day as well.  Glad that I feel I have some energy to start off with.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i know that feeling of having idolized my father, then feeling betrayed by the deceptions.  it's not a good feeling.

i hope it all goes smoothly with your partner's family.

as blueberry said, you seem to have a lot evolving at the moment, coming to the fore.  no wonder you feel like sleeping for a week.  i would, too, i think.

hope you enjoy the holidays.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Love and hugs to you too - thank you so much for your kind words.  I hope the holidays are enjoyable for us all.   
Hope