Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Deep Blue]

Dearest Hope,
You have always stood by me for the tough times, holding my hand.  I'm with you too my dear.  Just wanted to send you some reassurance and love 

[Sceal]

Just dropping by to wish you a merry Christmas and I hope that 2019 will bring you more progression, understanding and many good new memories to hold on to

[Jdog]

Merry Christmas, Hope!

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue, Sceal and Jdog,      Merry Christmas to you all.   

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Journal Entry on 26th December 2018
Just surfacing - I have survived - it was ok - there were some lovely moments and there were moments when I felt like I wanted them to 'pass' - and of course they did.  So that was good.  I think the various parts of me managed to cope ok - it was only during the night that I came across the more scared and frightened parts - and I attempted to reassure them.  Sometimes the phone went, and immediately I thought it might be FOO trying to get in touch - but it wasn't.  So that was a relief.  But I also noticed that part of me was disappointed - because it was like there's a part of me that would like to have had positive contact - but the rest of me knows that's not possible. 

I will be glad when things are back to normal - and the normal routine starts again.  I feel like there are always many expectations - and visits, and social stuff - and I find it hard.  But there were some lovely moments too - and I managed to cope and get through it all.  I do feel very tired though. 

Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope67]

Thank you Three Roses, and sending you a hug too 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

I'm glad it worked out ok, I find all the expectations draining as well. Hope the new year is good to you hope. 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird, Thanks so much, and I wish that the New Year will also be good to you - let's hope that 2019 will bring us some nice things.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 28th December 2018
I feel keen to get back to reading more of the Dissociation book - so I hope to start doing the next chapter in the next couple of days.   I feel like I want to write more, but somehow I don't feel able to.  This is a bit strange.  Not sure why.  But I won't fight it, I'll just stop there - and hopefully I'll write more another day.  I think it's because I was tempted to write some positive things - and somehow I felt that writing them would jinx them - maybe there's part of me that isn't comfortable with writing about 'good things'...  I need to work on that, because I think I should acknowledge good things - they are important. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i agree - i think it's very important that we acknowledge the positive for ourselves.  i believe that when we do something like that, it helps erase all the neg. we've heard from others, at least a little bit.  here's hoping that some day you will be able to write those words for and about yourself, hope.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes we're so eager to experience the positive, but our honesty doesn't quite feel like we're ready, at least momentarily. If we keep doing the work, we might just burst through that door into the positive vibe we're looking for, and not even notice how or when it happened. Yet we'll know it was always there, that we'd find it, and that it was worth it.

[Wattlebird]

I'm glad your going to get back into your dissociation book soon, I've had a break from mine until I'm back home, I just can't deal with it while I'm staying here with my ex for a week.
I think it's good your listening to your doubts about writing posative things, helps your parts trust that you're  listening to them, I'm glad you have posatives if you write them or not.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much - and I appreciate the love and hugs.   
Hi Woodsgnome - I find your words very inspiring - thank you so much - 
Hi Wattlebird - I have just tried to summarise Chapter 5 of that book - it wasn't easy, but I did my best - I was just reading your Journal - I think you're doing really well coping with things at your exes house.  I also appreciate what you said about listening to my parts, and the doubts about writing about the positives.  I do relate to that very much.   

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Journal Entry on 29th December 2018
I've started reading the Dissociation book again, and just summarised Chapter 5 in the 'Book Talk' area of the forum.  It was quite hard to try to summarise that chapter, but I did my best. 

I was doing some dot-to-dots today - which were very relaxing.  I'm giving myself some time to just be quiet and relax.  It is good to be able to do that.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i've got a down day today, too, hope, and i totally agree with you - it feels good.  enjoy, ok?  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, I wasn't sure what you meant when you said 'down day' as immediately I thought of 'down in mood' for some reason, which makes me laugh when I think of it, as it sounds like I have a tendency to see the glass 'half empty' - I realise you meant a relaxing day - and yes, it was good - and I did enjoy it.  I hope you enjoyed yours too.   

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Journal Entry on 30th December 2018

****TW
Potential TW - as mentioning Santa Claus, which triggered me... reminded me of CSA
I was doing dot-to-dots for part of the day yesterday - as I was trying to relax and unwind and just do something that would help me do that.  Dot-to-dots are helpful - but the ones I have at the moment are Christmas themed, and so Father Christmas features a lot in many of them, and weirdly, I found that seeing him is a bit triggering for me.  I think it is due to the fact that young children are encouraged to sit on his lap, and for me, I couldn't trust my own F - in that way.


*** end of TW

Now I feel as if I want to delete what I just wrote, but I'm going to leave it there, because I think that part of me wanted me to write it - and so I have.


I guess it's because so many things around Christmas can be potentially triggering - because it relates to childhood memories, and some are good memories and some are uncomfortable.  So many nostalgic films - some of them the 'Hallmark variety' which tend not to have any horrible things - and then others that are difficult.  I watched a programme last night by Bradley Walsh which was about the old Ventriloquist dummies - like Orville and Sooty and other characters - and I found that very emotional - because my little parts remembered those characters - and then it was sad to see that the people who had worked with them had died - and so the passing of time was enhanced - and then the puppets or dummies are kept in some museum or in someone's home, and remain a reminder - as well as the programmes etc. 


I think the ending of a year and the start of a new one - brings up lots of emotions, thoughts and feelings, and I am 'feeling' more things at the moment than I usually do.  I'm just going to try to go with the flow of this, and not push away anything - I will try to stay in the moment with whatever comes to mind, and I cannot repress the thought that I am hopeful for the new year - I think it will be better than the last one.  I am going to embrace that thought - and cherish it, and stand by it.  2019 will hopefully be better than 2018.  I've said it now.  I hope it is true.

Hope