Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[sanmagic7]

well done, hope, in letting your post remain here.  there's your strength and courage showing - again.  i'm glad for you that you were able to do it.  i truly believe that the more we're able to get that stuff out of us, then have it and us accepted by others and not judged or shamed, the more we're eventually able to continue getting it out of us.  cleansing.

and, yeah, i meant 'down' as in not being up and doing a lot.  maybe i need to be more careful in my choice of words - they can be confusing.

sorry about the santa claus triggers, tho.  that's a drag.  having to have something that's meant to be positive, a giving spirit of the christmas season, turned into something uncomfortable, well, that's just wrong.   

sending love and hugs, hope, filled with promise for a better year.

[Wattlebird]

Well done hope, I read your chpt summaries for 4 and 5, I must have missed the 4th one but it's good to see your thoughts about what I'm working on at the same time, maybe I should be writing more about what I'm learning, I will consider it.
I'm glad you were brave enough to leave your experiences here it helps me and I'm sure others as well, you need to get dot to dots that are not Christmas based I'm thinking but I guess it was helpful in identifying that trigger so 
Glad you had a "down day" I was tempted to use a bit of local lingo to confuse you more but only in fun 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Wattlebird - thank you both for what you said.  It really helped me to read your replies there - because I felt a bit 'bad' for mentioning about the Santa Claus stuff - mainly because parts of me feel 'dirty' regarding that side of my life - but I know that I shouldn't allow myself to feel like that.  I have decided to continue with the Christmas themed dot-to-dots, because I think I can cope with seeing the Santas when they do happen to feature - it's a bit like de-sensitising myself to the things that trigger me - so I think it's good to just try to focus on the relaxing process of the dot-to-dots - and just try to be mindful of what my inner parts tell me whilst I do so.  What I did find really powerful, was how parts of me reacted to reading what each of you said - it was like you touched a very emotional part of me, a very young part who was very glad to be heard - and so I am glad that I wrote about it - because if I hadn't done so, I wouldn't have discovered that reaction, and it was meaningful to parts of me.  So thank you.  I feel emotional even as I write this, so I am 'feeling' emotions whilst 'in the moment' - I think that's a progression. 

*******
Journal Entry on 31st December 2018
December is nearly over - and 2018 will be gone soon as well - I am hopeful that 2019 will be ok. 
I'm not sure how I'm feeling today - so I can't really write much at this moment - but I feel ok.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

A warm and peaceful new years wish to you, dear Hope! 

[Sceal]

Thank you for giving me so many warm wishes, and making me feel welcome.

A happy new year to you, dear Hope! Wishing you all the best

[Jdog]

Happy New Year, sweet Hope!

[Deep Blue]

Happy New Year Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hope the new year is good to you hope, and all your parts as well 
I'm glad our words were meaningful

[Hope67]

Happy New Year to you all - thank you so much for your lovely messages here - I appreciate each and everyone of you - and my heart is warmed by your kindness.   

***********
Journal entry on 1st January 2019
Strange to write that new year date - but it is here - and I already feel exhausted!  I have had people round at the house today - in a group - and I don't cope all that well with more people - so it was exhausting.  But I did cope.  I am relieved that it is over now. 
I'm too tired to write more than this, but just wanted to express relief here - and hopefully I will sleep ok tonight.  I might have an early night.
Happy New Year to everyone. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

back atcha, hope.  we'll look forward to a more peaceful, calm year.  it is weird to think '2019'.  2018 has been quite up and down for me, but in the end, i have hope that 2019 will be smoother.  for all of us.  love and hugs.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much - a peaceful, calm year is a great thought.  Let's hope it is like that.   

*********
Journal Entry on 3rd January 2019
I had a triggering night - and I wrote about it in another part of the forum this morning - and it was helpful to have done that - because it helped me to 'get it out' and speak about it.  I'm doing a lot this morning - trying to get the house looking ok, as I have another social thing where visitors are coming to my home, and therefore I feel a bit worried about that - although essentially I really think it doesn't make sense to feel like this.  Parts of me would like to hibernate really - and close the doors and say 'I'm not in right now' - but I did make the agreement to meet up  - and so I am going to see it through.  I will just be relieved when the day is finished.  I don't like to think like that, as there are parts of me that think that every moment is precious - and that I should do my best to make sure that each day is lived in as positive way as I can.

Potential trigger - mentioning the word 'CSA' briefly:

I am sure I was in an EF this morning - it took quite some time to come out of it, but I think I am feeling more settled now - I really think it helped to write it out here - I put it in my diary of my CSA related things.  ** end of trigger warning.


I have decided to move on from my Christmas themed dot-to-dot book - and move onto less triggering topics.  I thought it was good to try to face it, but afterall - Christmas is over now, and I can focus on things related to the New Year and going forward now.

I am also getting prepared for the prospect of starting some work next week - I had to find lots of documents relating to this - and it was hard to do that over the holiday.  I got very stressed out by it, and also found it tough to try to talk to people in offices who were dealing with beurocratic kind of things - I think the larger the organization, the less organised they seem to be.  It is frustrating, but I am trying to negotiate my way through it.  No wonder I feel a bit over-whelmed just now - I am only going to do part-time work - and see how it goes.  I still have a few days of freedom though - so I hope to make the most of those. 


Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Sorry to hear about the ef and triggering stuff all over the place, hope the visitors aren't too stressful.
Sending hugs  to feel better

[Deep Blue]

I read your entry in the other part of the forum and wanted to just let you know that.

I'm so sorry for little Hope.  I wish she wouldn't have had to go through any of that.  I'm sorry you are still feeling the effects of it to this day.

Just sending you some love and support sweetie.   

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird - I managed to cope with the visitors better than I thought I would - so that was good.  I appreciate the hugs - and I do feel better than I did.  Thank you.   
Hi Deep Blue - thank you so much for letting me know that you read what I wrote in the other part of the forum, it means a lot that you did that - and that you expressed things to Little Hope and to Adult Hope - I also appreciate your love and support - thank you 
Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you - for everything you said here, and I will keep an eye out for stuff to happen in strange and wonderful ways - I feel sure that you're right about that.  Each movement in the real world has a ripple effect - and I hope to cope with the results of every movement that happens - and hopefully it will be ok.   

*************
Journal Entry on 4th January 2019
I feel as if I'm out of the EF I was in - and as a result I feel calmer again.  I am allowing emotions to surface and I am trying to look at which parts are feeling them - and in the process of doing that - it makes it more tolerable somehow - and as if I'm 'hearing' the various messages from different parts of me.

I am finding that being reminded of my F by the Father Christmas images got even worse later yesterday - when I was in a supermarket and saw someone who looked a LOT like him - I had seen this man before - so it wasn't a complete surprise, but what is surprising is how much he looks like my F - and it is very disconcerting to see him.  But there were times when I would have felt very phobic of being around anyone who looked vaguely like him, incase it was him, and I would have to have some kind of interaction - I am terrified of that - more so of my M.  She really terrifies parts of me.  But seeing that man yesterday - I was able to keep a watch on him from a distance, and I was interested that I didn't feel so 'scared' or 'anxious' - I felt ok.

I think I slept better last night - there weren't any strange experiences.  The night before, had been not so good - and I had the experience of seeing visual hallucination in the dark as I was going off to sleep - like hypnogogic kind of things - that hadn't happened for a long time, but it did happen that night - and that was the night when I spoke aloud in my sleep and was disorientated about who I was and where I was - and so I guess it was all tied up together in that experience.

Those things don't frighten me anymore - they are disconcerting and upsetting though - and it did take me a few hours to come out of the reaction to it.

But today - I feel calmer - I feel ok.  I am feeling anxious about the idea of starting my part-time work next week - but I also have some feelings of excitement about it too - there have been some positive things - some people have been very encouraging to me - and there will be some induction and  training courses too - so I can catch up with things that I need to know and learn.  Hopefully it will be ok. 

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope- I think it's wonderful that you will be starting part time work, and I feel sure you will be able to rise to the occasion!  Well done!