Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

Started by Hope67, May 12, 2018, 06:46:09 PM

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Hope67

Journal Entry for 30th May 2018
I felt happy this morning, whilst taking a shower - it was as if my inner child was with me, and she was so excited to be enjoying the shower - honestly, it surprised and also delighted me - because I actually laughed out loud at the time... 

I seem to be coping better this week - even saying that makes me feel a little unnerved - am I tempting things by expressing my postivity?  I hope not...

Hope  :)

sanmagic7

i don't think so, hope.  i personally think it may just be the newness of the feeling and being able to vocalize it that may give you a bit of a topsy-turvy sense.  i'm really so very happy for you that you got that feeling and that you were able to connect it to that little hope, too, in a way that she could feel it.

yay, you.  love and hugs to you both.  enjoy!

Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
I think you're right - in the newness of the feeling and being able to vocalize it.  Love and hugs back to you  :hug:

****
Journal Entry for 31st May 2018
I've been busy this morning, doing a few things - managing to 'do' them - and feeling positive about that.  I feel as if I have a bit more energy - not entirely sure where it's coming from, but it's a good thing and I like it.

I am hoping to find Janina Fisher's book again today - I've put it somewhere safe, and typically can't find it!  I really would like to re-read it again.  She's like a therapist to me. 

Hope  :)

Hope67

I'm back again already - I felt as if I didn't have very much to say when I was writing just now, but then I went to different parts of the forum, and I also went to the Blog post where Pete Walker has been blogging, and I was thrilled to see he'd replied to me - the only thing is that I feel over-whelmed now - and so I've not been able to 'take in' what he said.  But I know I will be able to re-read it and then I will be able to understand it and appreciate it - because he said a lot of things.  But the over-riding thing that affected me as I read what he wrote, was that I'd felt so frustrated by having written in his blog a few days ago, and then wondering if he was going to reply - because he didn't reply to anyone for a few days - and somehow I had felt a sense of being abandoned, and so when he did reply - I felt a gushing of painful flashbacks - I suppose it's an EF - and I want to write about it, because this happens whenever I expect something to happen, or someone says they'll do something, and then it's not how I anticipate it will be, and I wonder if I'm abandoned or they just didn't see me - and it makes me feel hurt and abandoned, but then if they do notice me, or reach out to me, then it hits a very emotional spot - at a very core and raw level.  It makes me want to cry, but it's in a very poignant and raw way.

Yet at the same time, this makes me feel vulnerable and also a bit pathetic, because afterall, I don't really know Pete - although his books have meant a lot to me, and it was through his books that I found this forum, and then saw all the work that Kizzie has done to create this wonderful place, and then I've met all of the great people here - wow, that is finding a tribe of people - that is so meaningful. 

Anyway, I am very happy that he replied, and I appreciate what he said - but I need to calm myself and re-read it at a later point in time, because right now, I'm over-whelmed and over-emotional.

I feel a bit embarrassed to have written that now - but I'll leave it there.  It is as it is.

(Trigger warnings for what I'm going to write next, as it involves unpleasant stuff around food and abusive behaviour - force-feeding)

I think I also need to talk about issues around food here for a bit, because I was thinking about this quite a lot yesterday - and a few things came to mind.  So I'll just write them down, whilst I'm thinking of them.  I think that there was a lot of tension in my FOO during my childhood, and indeed throughout my life during the times I've been in contact with them.  I know that my sister was anorexic and battled with my parents over food - to the extent that she wouldn't eat at meal-times very often, and she told me that they would put her meals into a large bowl, and later force-fed the cold and congealed food.  I was only very small when this was happening, and I can't recall that happening.  But I do remember that I always felt that it was really important for me to eat my food, and that not eating it didn't seem like an option to me.  It was like I feared what might happen if I didn't eat what was on my plate, rather than realising there was an actual threat there. 

I also remember that my M would sometimes make me feel quite embarrassed as she'd tend to bring a massive Cream Cake along if I had a school trip, so that I'd have a packed lunch and then an really exotic looking cake - and no one else would have such a cake - and so I'd feel like I was 'spoiled' and 'treated differently' - that might have sounded like she cared a lot for me to do that, but somehow as an adult I think that it was about 'looking as if' she was a caring mother.  I never felt that from her - to me she was very cold, like a wire mother.  Very controlling.  She controlled me with a look - I daren't do anything to upset her - indeed, I tried so hard to do things to keep her happy and to keep her in a good mood.

This is interesting, because I think I feel some guilt for having had some happier moments lately - and tuning into my creative side, and allowing my inner children to play a little, and somehow this has evoked a harsher side who doesn't want me to enjoy myself, and who wants me to suffer in some way.

I really think that some of the things that Pete Walker said in his reply to me in the blog - they are pertinent to this - I hope I will be able to focus and understand what he said.  I know I will, but right now, I feel it's difficult to concentrate.  My mind feels like it is in many different places.

This morning I talked to my partner about my FOO, and about the fact that I find it difficult to truly get in touch with my anger towards them - and I told him that one of my friends seems able to express her anger towards them without any difficulty - and yet, I don't seem to be able to - and he said that he thinks that my M and F are incredibly toxic and he thinks that I can't get in touch with my anger because they brain-washed and groomed me - and I think he's right in that respect.  They did do that. 

I have been writing about my memories in more detail - so that's been helpful as a way of processing things and getting things out. 

I'm feeling a bit calmer again now, so it's been good to write this.  I shall go and have a herbal tea. 

Hope  :)

Deep Blue

 :bighug:
Sweet Hope,
I think you are amazing.  Such great insights even when you are feeling off kilter.  I think you are so brave and gain strength just by reading.  Thanks.

Hope67

Hi Deep Blue,
:hug: to you, and thank you so much for saying that. 
Hope  :)

Hope67

Journal Entry on 2nd June 2018

I got up very early this morning, and so far I feel positive about the day - I found Janina Fisher's book last night - I had mislayed it, and finding it again - that felt great!  I have started to re-read it - slowly but surely and I jotted down a couple of things that resonated and made sense to me - in the Books section of this forum.  I find it very helpful to do that.  I hope to be more open to hearing and observing any communications from my wounded/fragmented parts - and to trying to develop a dual awareness - to enable me to foster some compassion to the feelings and communications of those parts - I also feel like I'm nearing a time when I can share some of the descriptions of those parts - here in the forum - I hope so - because I want to share my experiences with people like WhoBuddy and FenStarShimmer - who are also working on that book and doing that kind of process.  I still feel as if I'm 'in the dark' about how to do it the best way - but maybe there's no best way...  Just whatever way works best for an individual person - maybe my parts will communicate to me how they'd like to be represented!!!  I like WhoBuddy's use of 'plush toys' - but I am taking my time to decide on the way I will represent them.  So far it's been doing little diagrams - and writing key words and phrases and snippets of memory etc.  Building a picture that way. 

I was affected quite a bit by a talk I had yesterday with my partner - it was just a small thing, but he had misheard what I said in the kitchen whilst making some tea - and I had somehow assumed that he was being awkward in not realising what I had said, and what I had meant.  It made me realise that I sometimes think/assume that another person will 'know' and 'understand' what I mean - almost as if by 'magical thinking' or 'telepathy' - and that I have often assumed that I know what someone else is thinking or feeling - probably because I've tried to anticipate the moods of my FOO - especially my NM - as it felt really important to know her moods and anticipate them, to keep the peace.  When I expressed my surprise that my partner hadn't realised what I meant - he told me that he thinks that I sometimes can't take the perspective of another person, and he actually said it was a bit like the perceptual experiment that was done with children on whether a child can see what the others see - on the other side of the model - can't remember who did that experiment, but I knew what he meant!  I was taken aback...  didn't realise he saw me that way.  But I took it on board, because it makes me wonder if I assume I do know what people think and feel, and really - I shouldn't assume at all - it's best to check things out.  I'm in the 'here and now' and not in the past - there aren't the same dangers around me now - i.e. I think my partner loves me and has my best interests at heart in his interactions with me - whereas I don't believe that was the case with my FOO - I realise in retrospect that they were looking at their own interests, and keeping me in 'line' to preserve their status quo, and their rules.

I can't think of anything else I want to say for now - but that was interesting to have that discussion.

Hope  :)

p.s.  Was it Piaget who did that experiment with the children and their perspective?  I think so.

Blueberry

jUst sending you some  :hug: :hug: and hope you are still feeling OK after the talk with your partner. Sometimes things seem OK for and then there is a delayed reaction. I hope that doesn't happen for you here, that everything's all good.  :)

sanmagic7

sounds like your partner may be more perceptive than you thought, a deeper thinker.  i think that working on the whole assumptions thing is a good goal to have in mind.  they've gotten me in a lot of trouble a lot of times.

you're sounding stronger, hope, more grounded, calmer somehow, more sure of yourself on some level.   whatever you're doing, keep it up.   i think it's doing a lot of good for you.  realizations, sharing with your partner, boundaries, all that stuff that seemed to be much more of a struggle for you in the past.   well done!

i'm very glad you've been finding that book so helpful for you.  that is so great.   love and hugs to you sweetie.

Deep Blue

Hey Hope  :)

I teach advanced placement psychology.  Yes, the experiment you are talking about is piaget's Stages of cognitive development.  Usually a child ages 3-7 is in the stage you mentioned. It's called the preoperational stage.  Maybe it was rhetorical, but hey, I'm a psychology geek  :bigwink:

Hope67

Hi Blueberry, SanMagic & Deep Blue - thank you all.   :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

Hope67

Journal Entry on 4th June 2018
The weekend felt relatively good - I was more positive generally - but today I feel a sense of some 'anxiety' and some 'dread' inside.  It's really difficult to put my finger on what has triggered this, and where it's come from - so maybe it's just 'there' and it will pass in time.  I feel as if procrastination is again my companion today - because I had so many good ideas, or at least so many things I hoped to achieve this week - and yet I seem to have wasted the day.  I have been reading Janina's book - and I've been jotting down some quotes in my notebook - so that I can be mindful of any feelings and thoughts and emotions as communication from parts - and ideally I should work on thinking about what this current feeling is about - but somehow I can't focus enough to work it out.  Or maybe I just can't do it.

I guess I'm feeling a bit despondent about it - and that contrasts with the hopefulness I was feeling on the weekend.  I actually felt some good emotions over the weekend - but they have slipped from my mind again today. 

I'm ok though - I know this will pass, it's just a day of contrasts - it could be a lot worse.  It's not that bad.

I had a dream last night that I was in the company of two women, one of whom seemed to have some eye-sight difficulties, and so we were helping her to negotiate her way through some streets and helping her to reach her destination - I was surprised that we were doing that - because I didn't know her, so wasn't sure why I was there!  I can't make sense of that dream - but I remember it quite vividly.

I haven't experienced any night terrors or nightmares for quite a few weeks now - that is an improvement for sure. 

I think my partner's comment about my not being able to take another perspective, like Piaget's experiment on the children, which Deep Blue said is children aged 3 to 7 years - that makes me wonder if perhaps I was blended with a younger wounded part at the time - and therefore literally couldn't take a different perspective. 

Reading Janina's book - I am on the Chapters which look at 'Befriending parts' and also on Attachment issues, and I recognise that I have a disorganised early attachment to my NM - I relate very much to the things that are written in that book - about those things. 

Actually I am wondering if I'm just more in touch with the parts of myself that I may have turned away from - i.e. the exiled parts - the ones that are depressed, that want to hurt themselves, the ones that are angry and the ones that are scared.  I know they are all there - I know there are many parts within me - I am going to remain with a curious mind, and try not to blend with them.  Janina talks about 'taking them under my wing' - as a way of separating from them - I think that does help.

Maybe I'm just feeling a bit over-whelmed by how many parts there seem to be.  But they are all there because they helped me to survive my earlier experiences - and therefore they are all important, and I'm not going to leave any parts behind - we're in this together.  Actually as I say that, I feel something positive inside - it's like they heard me.  Wow, that was an internal feeling - it was a good feeling. 

My partner knew I was reading the book today - and he's just gone out - and he said to me before he went 'Are you re-traumatising yourself today?' - that makes me wonder if he thinks that reading my book re-traumatises me... I don't think it does, but clearly reading things, and trying to do self-improvement and working things out - it isn't easy - but I think it would be so much worse if I wasn't trying to do this - it would be like it was before, when I was having terrible night terrors and not being able to ground myself - I am so much better now - in terms of coping.

My reply to him was 'No, I'm not re-traumatising myself' - and I don't think I am.

I do however feel as if I'm in touch with some more vulnerable parts of myself today.

I feel like I want to eat stuff now - I must fight that feeling - I've promised myself I won't binge - and I won't.

I'm going to make a cup of tea - or maybe coffee.

Hope  :)

Hope67

So, what I did - I made that cup of tea - and then I decided to do a 'Meditation Circle' and invited my Wounded/Fragmented Parts to join me, and I just listened to them, and jotted down things they said, and I repeated some of those things to them, and tried to feel compassion for their feelings and their thoughts - they brought me snippets of memories from the past, and it felt ok - nothing they'd not shown me before, and I mentally and also physically hugged them, and tried to feel them in my body, and let them feel my body too - in terms of the fact I am bigger now - an adult - with a longer spine etc. 

I do feel better for having done that.

In terms of the wish to binge, I've compromised and decided to cook something 'comforting' for us all to enjoy - and so now we're all feeling happier at the thought of eating something that is hopefully nutritious and better for us than bingeing on biscuits or other things...

I've also put some music on - and I've had a bit of a dance, and that has also made my parts feel happier.

So right now - I feel better.

Hope  :)

Deep Blue

Hope that is really well done! I think you are doing a great job of taking the younger hopes under your wing.  You had the fun playful shower hope and the artist hope.  It makes sense that both of these little Hopes would have difficulty putting the shoe in the other foot. 

Great job to you for helping all those little Hopes get through it.  You are really doing an incredible job.  Your partner may be having a difficult time putting the shoe on the other foot too since he doesn't understand why you are reading the book  :bigwink:

Keep up the great work.  :hug:
Much love
Deep Blue

Blueberry

 :yeahthat: Good going HOpe! Also with the Meditation Circle. ime you need a fair bit of stability to do that kind of thing without a therapist, and you're doing  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: