Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Deep Blue]

I agree with BeHealthy! It does show your ability to trust again.  Maybe it's growth that you hadn't realized or given full attention to?

Love ya!

[sj]

hi Hope

I just read that you've gone back to work part-time - wow!.... I don't really know you, but it does seem like a huge step, so that's great  ....  really hope you continue to integrate that as well as you seem to be, so far ... it's something I want to have in my life again when I am able, so I really admire that you've been able to achieve that

and I also agree about your relationship and the trust involved ... I'm happy for you that you have been able to build that into your life ... it seems like not only a sign of healing you've achieved, but that it can be a source of ongoing healing

warm wishes 

[Jdog]

Hope -

I just wanted to reiterate how great it is that you remain emotionally available despite life's kicks and shoves.  And the fact that you are working is, again, marvelous!  Keep up the good work, I know you Will! 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - It's helpful to hear that you also felt the SAME thing - because I did wonder if my comments might be valid, or whether part of me was resisting the possibility that there might be a T who could work with me - but honestly, I just think that if I can cope without going to see a T - that is what I'd prefer at present - but I also think that at least I have made contact with my previous T - and could do so again, if I felt I wasn't coping again.  It's good to have that possibility - and now that I'm working again, I feel a bit more financially buoyant, and 'independent' - I don't wish to rely on my partner too much for money - and I have always made my own way in life - I have no idea why I'm saying that - it's almost like I feel the need to justify myself.  Strange isn't it.    Anyway, what I meant to say, BeHea1thy, is that I very much appreciate what you said.  Thank you 

Hi Deep Blue - Your comment made me think about it - and I think you're right, that I haven't given credit to how huge that is - the ability to trust - it is such a big thing, and thanks for stating that - I love ya too!   

Hi Sj - Thank you for popping by my Journal - it's good to see you, and I appreciate it - I know I did the same in yours, and sometimes that feels strange when you're 'speaking' to someone you feel you don't know too well - but I'm so glad you did - and you're always welcome to pop by.  I really appreciate what you said - and working again does feel like a huge step - although I'm doing different things now than my original employment - so it feels really strange in many ways - but I am adapting, and inbetween periods of what feel like 'sheer panic' - I think I am coping.  I just have to slow myself down, and try breathing and telling myself I'm ok.  Somehow that helps.  (Don't know if you find hugs acceptable, but I'd like to extend a gentle one to you, if that's ok  )

Hi Jdog - Thank you so much - and I valued the fact you said that I 'remain emotionally available' because that is something I would like to be.  Thank you 

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Journal Entry on 16th January 2019
I felt incredibly tired the past couple of evenings, and so I didn't get to come here to write - and I missed it, but I was just 'out of it' energywise.  I didn't realise how much energy being back in the work place would take from me - and learning some new things - different to my previous employment - it's quite nerve-wracking.  But also exciting at the same time.  I ended up doing extra work in the evening last night - because I wanted to prepare for a meeting today - and my partner was a bit concerned about that - saying that I need to keep boundaries about work - and I know he's looking out for me, in saying that, and he's sensible too.  So I'm going to try to keep sensible limits - and do my best to get a good balance. 

I've had a social invite too - from a colleague - and I have accepted it, but already I want to get out of it - because I think that it feels a bit too much.  Infact I doubt I'll manage it.  I'll maybe think of an excuse not to go - as I am finding that I feel anxious just thinking about that.

I'll see how I feel about it tomorrow - there is still time to think about it a bit more.  Decide what to do. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much - I really appreciate the fact you mentioned the word 'choices' and that it's all about 'having choices' - because that really resonates with me, and I think that the area of 'choice' is something that I am only just beginning to appreciate - i.e. that I 'do' have choices.  Thanks also for the support on the social invite thing - it was validating to see you say it's a 'good idea' to think about it more before deciding.  Again, it's my 'choice' - this is very helpful.   

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Journal Entry on 17th January 2019
I am feeling quite good this evening, and I think the day went well.  I had less anxiety and uncertainty about things - I felt more in control of what I was doing - maybe more competence about it - and some confidence was there.  I've been thinking about the social invite, and decided I will go - and see how it goes.  There, that's a decision made.  I think I'm ok with that.  However, when the time comes - I'm not sure how I'll be.  But I'll at least try - nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Scary though.  But I'll hopefully be ok.  I'll try not to think about it too much.

I want to jot down a couple of things, to remind myself of themes that were going through my mind - this past couple of days or so:
a) That I have begun to experience some slightly older parts of me - who are making themselves more prominent, and I think I was about 11 years old or so - and I'm beginning to have flashbacks to events that happened when I was that age - and I'm beginning to process some things - and also look at what events were going on around that time, historically.  I find it very hard to get a sense of my maturity levels at different ages, because somehow I feel like an adult in a child's body - even when I was small.  Ironically I sometimes feel like I'm a child in an adult's body now that I'm an adult woman - that feels quite a bizarre thing in many ways - it's just occurred to me, it's the wrong way round - like I started off as an adult and gradually reversed to a younger and younger child. 

b) I have now gone completely blank - I literally can't think what I was going to write - I thought I had a few things stacked up to write about - but now - it's like a blank.

I have to stop now anyway, as my partner is here and he wants to chat to me.  So I'll stop now. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Back again - I will try to remember the things I wanted to mention - I'm hoping they might come to mind - I still feel a bit 'blank' - but there's stuff bubbling underneath, and I feel like I want to write something - so I'll just see what come up as I sit here:

I guess I feel some disappointment (in some ways) with the fact that I was beginning to make contact with the younger part of me - maybe round the age of a toddler or younger even - even a pre-verbal part - and I seem to have lost her - but there is an 11 year old part that is giving me memories and flashbacks of 'feeling' and 'sights' - I had also connected to the angry adolescent kind of part - maybe 17 years old, maybe even a bit older - I have no idea if I am labelling these parts correctly - it's just the feeling I get about their ages.

I haven't been ruminating about my FOO (parents) so much anymore - but I do still get thoughts about their potential older age and of course concerns for what will happen to them, or what might be happening to them.  I can't get in touch with my feelings about certain aspects of how they treated me - I can't access anger - it's like I continually try to find a reason for how they were - but at the same time, I think that essentially they don't appear to have cared or loved me - despite the fact that I tried to be a 'good daughter' to them.  I also feel like there's a naivety to myself - that I don't see the bad side of things - that I rub out any negative things - and I dissociate from them - I guess that I realise that is how I probably managed to cope and manage some intolerable emotions.

Interesting, because as I was writing that, flashes of my experience came to mind - some unpleasant memories - it's like there's a younger part who wants me to be reminded, and to hear her distress about that memory.  I won't describe it here, as it's unpleasant - but it does remind me that my younger part wants me to write about it sometime, and so I am going to - but maybe not till the weekend, when I can be more safe - in that I can then go to bed and seek refuge there if I need to - I have work tomorrow, and want to make sure I get through that - and then I can focus on my inner life experiences on the weekend, and so writing this here, I can be reminded of my intention - and if I feel it's what I want to do - then that is what I'll do.

BeHea1thy's suggestion of 'choices' - it's refreshing - I do have choices - I can choose.  But the thing is that often I don't know what I'd 'like' if that makes sense - so maybe my options are limited because essentially I don't know what I'd like - but the thing is that I am free to choose - and therefore it's an option.

This isn't necessarily making much sense, but I think it's good that I was able to write a bit more just now, as I feel better for having done so.  I was beginning to feel a sense of angst building up inside and I didn't know what to do with that - so Journalling, it's helped.

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope I'm glad your feeling better with work, and you are going to go to the social event,
Quote
[  I find it very hard to get a sense of my maturity levels at different ages, because somehow I feel like an adult in a child's body - even when I was small.  Ironically I sometimes feel like I'm a child in an adult's body now that I'm an adult woman - that feels quite a bizarre thing in many ways -]
I was thinking the same thing just recently and thought that maybe it's because I'm looking at my childhood experiences through adult eyes, but I was put into a mothering role so maybe I was more mature minded 
When I act child like now it's always around emotional issues so I think maybe we matured with "logic" and cut off "emotion" so were childlike emotionally and mature logically if that makes sense? Anyway you could be completely different just throwing it out there for consideration 

[Deep Blue]

I haven't been ruminating about my FOO (parents) so much anymore - but I do still get thoughts about their potential older age and of course concerns for what will happen to them, or what might be happening to them.  I can't get in touch with my feelings about certain aspects of how they treated me - I can't access anger - it's like I continually try to find a reason for how they were - but at the same time, I think that essentially they don't appear to have cared or loved me - despite the fact that I tried to be a 'good daughter' to them.  I also feel like there's a naivety to myself - that I don't see the bad side of things - that I rub out any negative things - and I dissociate from them - I guess that I realise that is how I probably managed to cope and manage some intolerable emotions.

Hope, I think we all did what we needed to do in order to survive our situations.  You may be dissociated now because you learned to dissociate then.  I think dissociation can actually be valuable in some scenarios.

I also wouldn't worry too much about losing touch with your toddler little.  She will present herself when you are ready.  Also if could be that some of your littles contradict one another so they may not all feel comfortable presenting themselves at once.

Sending you love and support 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird - thanks for what you wrote - it makes sense to me, and it's helpful.  I really appreciate you sharing that thought - it adds something that is meaningful. 
Hi Deep Blue - this has resonated with me, what you said - and I feel that I dissociate so frequently in all kinds of situations - and I was thinking back to past situations - and thinking about how I was probably 'going through' those things in a dissociated state - it's been interesting to 'look again' at situations, because there's a side of me that can then feel some empathy for my younger self - and think about how difficult it must have been for 'Little Hope' to cope in different situations, and I'm beginning to understand her more.

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Journal Entry on 19th January 2019
I realise I've just mentioned myself as if I'm talking 'about someone' - but it did feel appropriate - as I was thinking about how I have been looking at some past situations, and how I am beginning to empathise and offer some support to 'Little Hope' (and by 'Little Hope' I mean myself at various stages - there are quite a few parts/stages/ways - that I felt I was.  I wish I could be consistent in my language and description of this, as I am not really sure how to say these things, and indeed, I'm not sure that there is a 'right' way - there's just whatever way helps - and I'm still finding my way.

I have to go now, as I need to do a few chores - but I hope to come back later - and maybe write some 'letters to' - or maybe even some communications from my other parts/littles/selves - because I know I feel like that would be helpful - and it feels like a good time to do it - to get those thoughts down and heard by people who understand - that process feels so helpful.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Sending support to adult Hope and her various littles.

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog -  to you, I really appreciate that support, thank you.   

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Back again - still 19th January 2019 - I just wanted to write more notes to remind myself of what has been meaningful recently - and that has made sense.  I found what Deep Blue said about how some of my Littles might not like the others, and might not be able to be around when certain ones are there - that had a prominent and powerful effect on me, and I really think that makes sense - i.e. why they don't seem to necessarily turn up at the same times - and I was thinking more about this, and began to wonder if I can compartmentalise them - i.e. there are some activities that I like to do, but feel that other parts of me don't like those - and therefore maybe I can leave certain parts of me in a safe place - where they can do things they like, and the ones who want to join me can.  I think I already feel this in different situations, so maybe it might already be happening, but I'm wondering if I can have any influence on when and who joins me.  Returning to a work environment has made me get in touch with a different part of myself - one that is organised and diligent - that does seem to be a personality trait that I would say 'was me' but at the same time, there are other parts of me that are at the other extreme of that - and I can end up leaving things in piles - i.e. a form of organisation but actually not very tidy - and then it feels shoddy.

As I write this, I'm feeling annoyed at myself, because what's coming to mind is the fact that I started doing 'compartmentalising' systems to try to separate my different experiences - I've tried files on the computer, I've got folders, I've cut out pictures, I've done various things - but I don't seem to 'see it through' - i.e. I end up never finishing anything!  Like wanting to be creative - I occasionally dabble in trying to draw or paint something, and then I just stop - and don't continue anymore. 

***Trigger warning: Mentioning slightly violent descriptions - but nothing graphic:
If I focus on imagery that's coming to mind at this moment - I'm feeling as if someone is inside me - and that they're 'hitting out' - almost as if they are in a padded room in the dark, and they're just flailing about trying to punch something. 

I've been noticing a physical pain in my left temple - above my eye - this is the kind of pain I get when I'm experiencing communications from very young possibly pre-verbal Hope - so I never know what that is about, but I feel it.   I also have a flashback to when I was very little - I don't know how old, but I remember seeing 'floaters' in my eyes - and this is disturbing me that I can remember that - and I wouldn't have known what they were - but I focused on them - they were physical at the time - and it disturbs me.  I also have a visual memory of myself as a young girl, possibly 8 or 9 years old, and how I would stare at myself in the mirror, and I would actually imagine that I could change my shape and appearance - and I would stare for a longish time and then see if my reflection would alter - and sometimes it felt like it did. 

I also felt triggered this morning when I was reading some writings from people discussing NPD  and how they said that if you are parented by someone with NPD that you are likely to get C-PTSD - but that some people will label that person as being an 'empath'  - and they said that was quite negative, because essentially they thought that someone should be supported and treated and helped to re-wire their brains - rather than being given a special label of an 'empath' - this affects me because my sister believes that she is an empath - and whilst I think that she may have developed the ability to read people's emotions etc - because of having had the same M as me - and treading on egg-shells to consider her moods, it doesn't mean she has powers beyond being an empathetic person. 

I also feel some guilt that I didn't admit that I didn't believe the things she was telling me - but I tried to be open-minded and hear her - but of course in the end, our relationship broke down, as our differences came very much to the fore.

Now I feel distressed - emotions are surfacing - my throat felt tight, and I felt a surge of emotion - but writing about that, it has gone back down again.   But I felt it 'at the time of writing' - rather than later, when re-reading.   Maybe I'm more in the moment and focusing now - than normal.  I don't know.

I think because I wrote earlier that I intended to come back to write some 'letters to - not to send' - that somehow I feel like I've set myself up to do that - and actually I don't feel ready to just now.  Maybe tomorrow.  I have choices, as BeHea1thy pointed out - and that resonated very much and made sense - I do have choices.  But choices are difficult - but not impossible. 

Now I feel a bit silly - writing this - but again, I'll leave it there.  It has helped, and I feel ok for writing.

Hope 

[Libby183]

Ooh, Hope. I am so happy that you have started a job. Really impressed, in fact. I think that your partner is absolutely right to encourage you to step back a bit. I know I had the tendency to try too hard and it's not healthy in the long run. You are doing so well.

I hope that I might work again when the divorce is settled and I know where I am. I think I will try cleaning. I have cleaned a restaurant in the past and quite enjoyed working in the morning, on my own. I am much wiser about myself now, so hopefully I will cope better.

All the best, Hope. I hope to keep up with your journal a bit more, now that I am a bit less all over the place!

Libby.

[Deep Blue]

Just wanted to send you some love and support Hope. 

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
I am really happy to see your reply here today - it's good to hear from you, and thank you so much for your kind words re: my new job.  I am also glad to hear that you've already got some thoughts about your future employment - I think that you know yourself the best of anyone - to know what might be a manageable job, and I hope you cope ok when you do start something.  I also wish you the very best - and I hope that your divorce process will go ok and things will settle so you can focus on life ahead and hopefully some positive experiences to come.   

Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much  - that means a lot.   

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Journal Entry on 20th January 2019
It's Sunday and I hope to catch up on a few chores, but also allow time to do something that will be relaxing as well - probably just reading some newspapers - and I need to find a 'non-Christmas' dot-to-dot book - as my Littles like doing those - it provides me with some tranquil yet focused time.

I want to mention that I have literally been having some 'aha' moments at night - last night - it was like a part of me kept 'showing me' flashes of insight, and when I forgot those things later in the night, that part showed me them again - the thing is that I can't remember what it was - in the light of day - but it was really special to feel the connection, and to see the links at the time, so I am hoping that if I keep a pad of paper by my bedside, that if that happens again, I will jot down some notes no the experience and the insight. 

Also, the night before last, my partner told me that I had been gripping his arm really tightly - and that he had ended up having a bad dream, and that as a result of that he had started to whimper in pain and distress, and that I had apparently then woken and started to comfort him!  I had remembered him whimpering in his sleep - and I remember comforting him, as I thought he was having a bad dream, and so I just spoke to him and said 'It's ok, you're safe - it's just a bad dream'.  We laughed about it in the light of day, when he told me this, as I didn't realise that it had been my gripping him extra tight that had then caused his dreams - and lead to my comforting him. 

What is positive about all of this, is that previously I was anxious and upset about my night-time experiences, but now I've gained more knowledge about complex PTSD - through my reading and through talking to people in this forum, now I am experiencing less of them, but when they do happen, I'm coping so much better.  I think this is really good.  I am relieved.

I am hoping to summarise the next chapter of my Dissociation book this afternoon - and I'm looking forward to reading it.   I don't know what it is about - as I can't remember the title of the chapter, but providing it's something I can cope with today, I will do that.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Great progress, Hope.  Being able to just examine feelings, dreams, and interactions without becoming upset all over again when encountering the memories of these is a very big step toward integrating things into a whole framework.