Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Jdog - this means a lot that you said this.   

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Still 20th January 2019 - I've got to p.161 of my Dissociation book, in the summary - and I'm feeling a bit spaced out and dizzy now.  I feel sure it's a reaction from parts of me that are not so sure they like me doing this work - and I realise that Chapter 7 is talking of 'avoidant parts' - and I do relate to that - I feel that some parts are less keen for me to focus on things - but at the same time, I'm trying to pace it so they will be alongside me in this.  I'm going to take a break for the rest of the evening.  Relax and do something to hopefully chill out. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 21st January 2019
My partner told me that I was shouting out in my sleep last night, saying 'Noooo, Noooo' - but I have absolutely no memory of doing that - I wasn't aware of it at all.  I don't remember any nightmares, or unusual disturbances, I think I slept ok!  So that was interesting - because I do remember as I was falling asleep, that I was trying to communicate with my littles, and telling them that it was ok if they wanted to show me anything from their past.  So maybe, one of them did, and I acted out my distress by shouting 'Noooo, Noooo' - whilst asleep, but in the light of day, I've not been even able to remember that at all.  I don't know. 

My partner asked me what I'd been doing to cause that - and I just said that I'm continuing to 'work on myself' - in terms of trying to help myself - and I can see that he is concerned for me when I say that - I think he wants me to put it all behind me, and just move forwards - but I don't think he realises that I'm scared that if I don't work things out and move forward that I'll end up not coping at some point in the future.  I do fear that.  I really want to progress and I do feel as if I am progressing and finding out more 'realizations' - which are helping me.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Just popping by to give you a kind hug tonight    I hope all your parts are kind to you tonight.

[Deep Blue]

Hope,
You seem to have good communication with your partner.  What you wrote about working through it is coherent and well said.  Maybe you can tell him?

Love ya!

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello Hope, I really get what you said about wanting to work on yourself and not 'move on' until you have some kind of understanding, for fear this will just come back again in future. I have the same outlook, I feel that if I don't deal with this right now it will be with me always. It has been with me for so long, I want to try and work through it. Thanks for sharing.

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal - thank you so much, and a kind hug back to you  - I think my parts were kind to me last night.  I slept well.   

Hi Deep Blue - Love ya too -    You know - I have told him pretty much what I said there before, but somehow I think he still worries - so that's a repetition thing really - he tends to say that when he knows I've had a disturbed night, like he worries that I've been delving into things again.  I think maybe his way would be not to - and he maybe doesn't understand why I constantly focus on my inner world.  I appreciate that you said I wrote it in a coherent way.  Thank you.  It doesn't often feel coherent.

Hi SharpAndBlunt - Thank you so much for saying that - it is very validating to hear.  I hope we can work through these things - I really do.  Thanks for coming by, and you're welcome anytime.  I appreciate being able to talk to people who understand. 

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Journal Entry on 22nd January 2019.
I had to go to bed after I got home today - I was in an EF - I felt very isolated at the time, and felt like me and my littles needed to be in the dark and comfort of my bed - I guess it was partly because it was cold at home when I returned - the weather is really cold, and the house was cold, and my bed felt inviting - so I stayed there for about an hour - and just stayed with my feelings, and after about an hour I felt a bit better.  I feel a lot better now - but it wasn't a good feeling - I almost felt as if I was being punished by some part of me that was unhappy about the fact I've been writing here in the forum.  Because last night, during the evening, I kept feeling guilty, feeling bad, and feeling as if something catastrophic was going to happen, and it was as if there was a part of me that was mortified that I'd dared to break free from my FOO - that I was estranged at all - and wanted to know why I wasn't still with them.

As I write about this, I'm noticing a painful kind of twisting in my tummy area, nothing too painful, just enough to notice.  I also feel as if I might have eaten something that doesn't agree with me, so maybe I am just reacting to that - maybe I 'have' eaten something that wasn't properly cooked or maybe I've got the start of something - I don't know.  Maybe it's just the after-effects of the EF.

I also had thoughts last night that were such that I was thinking that people might think I was crazy if they knew what goes through my mind.  But essentially it's nothing bad.

I also read a bit of 'The Little Princess' tonight - because I thought it would calm Little Hope - but actually the content of that book is disturbing me as well - because I realised that as a small child I think I was identifying with themes in that book - themes of appearing to have lots of nice things (i.e. being clothed and fed and having a doll made for me like the one that the main character had) and yet being emotionally barren of love and affection - when her father died.  Not having a M who was loving or caring to her.  That character (Sara) had to fend for herself and work out who the good people were in her environment, and that is how I felt during my childhood - like I was alone emotionally. 

I do feel the need to write a 'letter to' and I think I'm going to do it now.  I'm not sure what I'll say, but I'm going to try it, as I feel like I need to get some things out.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I just tried to start a letter (not to send) but I literally can't bring myself to do it.  I know that I have parts that are reluctant to write at the moment, so I am going to listen to them, and I'll maybe think of another way - as I was writing, they were clamouring and telling me it wasn't a good idea.  They seemed concerned that my FOO might somehow read the content, and they thought it was too identifying - as I wrote some details there.  Also, as I wrote, I found my body was reacting more - physically feeling resistance there. 

I've just been reading Chapter 7 of the Treating Dissociation book - and I'm going to heed what was written there, about learning more grounding techniques to stay in the present, and also to create inner safe places for parts stuck in trauma-time.   Also understanding and gaining some collaboration with all my parts, to enable me to be able to maybe write more about my feelings and thoughts - to enable me to process things and move forward. 

I'm writing this here, to remind me of these goals. 

I think I'm also extra anxious at the moment, because I've agreed to a social invite from a work colleague - it's happening tomorrow.  I am feeling ridiculously anxious about it - I want to cancel it.  I am going to try not to cancel it though.    

There's a strict and judgemental part of me telling me off now, telling me I'm being melodramatic and I should stop it.  I'm wondering if that's an inner critic part.  I'm trying to consider terms to describe my parts, and I still haven't really got my head around that.

I remember that WhoBuddy used some soft animals to represent parts - I need to think more about it.

I've been watching TV programmes that are potentially very triggering too - and I realise I tend to do that to myself.  I wonder if I am just wanting to punish myself.  My partner told me that I will sometimes end up carrying too many things at once - and he wonders if I do that to punish myself somehow.  This made me wonder about it.  He could be right.  I'm beginning to consider some aspects of my behaviour and how I am which are contradictory in some ways.

I notice, as I write this, that I'm able to write here - and it contrasts to when I tried to do a 'Letter to' just now - I couldn't do it, so I abandoned it.  Glad I was able to come back to my Journal and write something, as I do feel better for it - getting something out. 

I will do my best to see it through tomorrow - I want to do that social thing - even though I feel scared about it.  I think it will be good for me to 'do it' - so I'll do my best.

I do feel a bit sick now, so I do wonder if I've eaten something.  I'll try to have an early night.

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Best wishes for your social engagement.
xo wb

[Three Roses]

Frequently when I go to write something, my mind just goes blank. I do this face to face as well. Now that I understand more about EFs, I think this is an indication for me that I'm having one. I have read that certain areas of the brain responsible for processing language have been shown to go dark during brain scans when the test subject is having an EF, while the visual area(s) light up like a Christmas tree.

Starting about page 40 in The Body Keeps The Score, there is a description of a procedure in which a participant underwent a brain scan while triggered into an EF. I've attached a pic from the book showing an area responsible for speech and language (Broca's area) which is dark but the visual area is activated.

My "parts" are less defined, but I do get a sense of one of them actively stifling my attempts at communication at times.

I hope your social thing is enjoyable. 

(I guess the picture needs to be approved by a moderator before it's visible.)

[Jdog]

I echo Wattlebird's sentiment, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird & Jdog, Thank you both for your kind words on my social engagement - it's gone ok!  I made it through!  I didn't cancel, and it was ok!  I am so relieved.  Having your support definitely helped me - I appreciate it so much.         

Hi Three Roses - I really like your new icon picture - it is lovely.  Thanks also for your supportive words about my Social occasion, and it went ok!  You said you hoped it was enjoyable, and parts of it was definitely so - so that was a good outcome.    I really related to what you said about the EF and when the mind goes blank, and I think I was in an EF much longer than I realised - and infact I think I've been going in and out of them today - I'll write about that more in my Journal entry in a moment, but I wanted to thank you - for reminding me of the Broca's area stuff - which I remember reading (again from yourself) in the past - and it's very helpful information.  It was also interesting to hear that you also get a sense of one of your parts actively stifling your attempts at communicating at times.  Mine does that too, I think so.  I can't see the picture you mentioned, but I might try to find it online - or have a look in 'The Body Keeps the Score' book - as I do have that - but bizarrely I can't remember where I've put it - and I truly think that sometimes some parts of me 'lose' these things - possibly on purpose.  But I can't be sure.  I know it will be safe somewhere - I just need to find them.   Anyway, thank you.   

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Journal Entry on 23rd January 2019

I had a dream last night where I ended up thinking that my FOO (parents) had come to stay with me - and then I ended up 'moving house' in order to escape them!  It was like I couldn't speak to them directly to tell them how I was feeling, or that I didn't want them around, and I had to physically escape by basically running away.  Bizarrely (or maybe understandably) I used to almost have fantasies when I was a small child where I wanted to run away from home - and escape.  It was like I thought it would be wonderful to be able to get away. 

In the light of day, it makes me realise that I've never really been able to talk to them about anything - nothing meaningful at all - ever.  I've not even attempted to - because it's not been possible.  They've never allowed me to, and they've always shut down any attempts to do so.  I think I'm beginning to get in touch more with some feelings of anger about this, and unfortunately I think an angry part of me was more prominent today - especially when I got back home and was interacting with my partner, he told me that I seem very snappy and different to how I normally am.  I realised that I'm feeling 'full of' some stronger emotions - annoyance perhaps, and some anger.  At least I was earlier in the evening - I seem to be calmer and less in touch with any emotion right now as I write this. 

I once again read a bit more of 'A Little Princess' - and what struck me when reading it is how much I empathised with the hurt that she felt when her father died (in the story) and she was turned from believing she was cared for and loved, to being distraught and fatherless and also that she became a 'beggar' (described as such by the narrator in the story) - she had believed that she was loved because her father had showered her with material things - and this reminds me of my M making me the doll and creating the clothes, and how I thought she cared for me - but the reality is that I feared them both in different ways - and I didn't feel love from either of them - not when I analyse the reality of it - and also - all the time, I feared that I would be cast out of the family and would be destitute - almost like the character in A Little Princess became a poor girl with no one to care for her - because my sister had disappeared from our family when I was only 6 years old, and I never knew where she had gone, or what had happened to her - not till I was able to find her decades later.  So that story resonates with me in many ways, and I also feel very emotional as I read it, because I think that Little Hope felt a lot of feelings at the time when she first read it - and so maybe reading it again, gets me in touch with Little Hope's feelings more. 

I have also contacted a friend who I knew when I was in my early 20's - and have kept in touch with over the years, and I had told her about my estrangement and more about my personal circumstances, and she had responded with such lovely compassion and understanding - that I felt humbled by that.  Anyway, she has told me that she has some letters that I wrote to her during that time in my life - and she's going to send me them so I can re-read things I wrote at that age - but she warned me that I might be upset by the content - as she said it might evoke some powerful memories - she said it had caused her to have strong emotions when she had read the letters again - so I am now wondering what I wrote to her.  Apparently I had written about some personal things in the letters - and I'm intrigued as to what I said.   Hopefully I'll know soon.  She said she'd send them over in a couple of days or so.

I've just remembered too, that last night I was experiencing visual hallucinations again - in that I could clearly see things as if they were on a TV screen, and each time I looked, the view was different - it seemed to be places in buildings with tables, chairs, sofas, that kind of thing - but actually nowhere I could recognise as having been to before.  That is bizarre, as I felt as if I was more 'awake' at the time it was happening, but I couldn't be sure if I was - I always attribute that kind of experience to being in a hypnogogic state - between waking and sleeping, and so to feel as if I was more 'awake' is a bit disconcerting.  I don't entirely understand it.  But I don't worry about it - either.  Because it's just something that happens. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - thank you so much.  I can't say more than that just now, as I am quite tired.  But I appreciate what you said.   

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Journal Entry on 25th January 2019
I am feeling very tired - so I am hoping to relax on the weekend and hopefully get some energy back.  Can't say any more than that just now - but wanted to write something. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Jdog]

Hope-

I'm right there with you in needing replenished energy from the weekend!!

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses & Jdog - thank you both very much 

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Journal Entry on 27th January 2019
I seem to have ended up having a few EF's lately - and haven't felt able to pinpoint the triggers for them - except that things have felt a bit over-whelming.  I tried to relax over the weekend, but I don't seem to be able to quieten my mind - and I am feeling quite out of sorts - in various ways.  Also I had to deal with some social things - involving my partner's family - and I guess that was anxiety-provoking for me, even though I get along with them reasonably well - I guess it was just something that I couldn't avoid, and felt I had to face, and maybe it was just a bit too much to handle.

I am getting a bit of a crisis of confidence about my ability to work as well - and wondering if I can keep my new job going or not - as I feel over-whelmed with some of the aspects and things I'm trying to handle there. 

I wanted to read my Dissociation book over the weekend, but didn't get round to it - and I was trying to get other stuff done at home - things that need doing - and even that feels like I couldn't do it - so I am feeling a bit exasperated at myself. 

Thinking of some potential triggers - I have been affected by some things that an old friend has said - and that opened up some memories for me - and evoked another 'part' of me - I think that's what happened, and now I'm finding it hard to try to handle that.  I also felt some extreme sadness about my situation - i.e. that I am estranged from my own family - but yet, I feel I can't re-establish contact as that would be too distressing - and somehow I feel like I've 'failed' and in some ways I feel I'm blaming myself.  I realise I probably should try not to do that, but I think that is what is happening.  It's like I feel as if I am to blame for most things that seem to happen to me in my life. 

The way I feel tonight - I'm wondering if I can even cope with going to work tomorrow - but I hope that I'll feel better after sleeping - as last night I didn't sleep very well and woke really early - which is unusual for me.  I normally sleep till about 7am or so, but I woke at 4.30am instead.  So that wasn't good. 

I also have horrible indigestion right now - it's very painful down my right-hand side - and I feel bloated.  Maybe that's not helping things.  Feeling like this, isn't a nice feeling.  I am moaning now - but it's good to write about it.  It does feel like a release of sorts. 

Hope