Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Wattlebird]

Yes I know you that hallow feeling as well, 

[Three Roses]

I intend to overcome that

... and I have confidence in you, in your ability to do just that and also to know the timing. You are an inspiration to me.

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry, Wattlebird & Three Roses,
Thank you all for what you wrote - I feel the compassion and understanding from you all - and you all inspire me.   

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Journal entry on 9th February 2019.
I've just written about Chapter 8 of the Dissociation book, and whilst I was processing the words of that book, I realised that I felt more emotional - as there were particular sections that resonated more with me, and also there was part of the chapter that made me feel more uncomfortable as well - so I wanted to come back here and write about it, whilst it's fresh in my mind.  It's on p.172 and is a list of questions that looks at activities in daily life - and says this: "When a patient is producing hundreds of pages of journaling every week, at what price are these writings produced, and what is being neglected in daily life?  What is happening with the patient's children, partner, friends, work, study, household chores, and bills?  What is the purpose of the writing?  Is it perhaps an avoidance of dealing with daily life, which feels overwhelming or boring?  Does the patient feel unheard and unseen unless mass quantities of information are given?  Does the patient feel the therapist cannot possibly understand unless he knows every detail and nuance?  Is the writing actually an avoidance of fully accepting what happened?  Is the patient suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and is the writing a symptom of that particular problem?  The function of the writing becomes the focus, rather than the content of the writing." - Literally, that has made parts of me uncomfortable, because I wonder whether my seeking answers through reading and then journaling, whether I am avoiding actually processing - but I know that a consequence of doing this has been that I am 'feeling more' things - and making more realisations.

I have literally felt 'hollow' and 'empty' for a great part of today - and I couldn't bring myself to do anything - I was sitting and really not doing anything much.  My partner has gone to bed - as he was tired - and sometimes I would have joined him in doing that - as it's a safe retreat to cocoon in bed - but I stayed with my uncomfortable feeling - and tried to understand it.  But I'm not sure I really got anywhere - it just felt incredibly frustrating and also quite pointless - and that made me feel worse. 

So in the end I reached for the Dissociation book and started to read it and summarise it - and tried to note how I was feeling as I read it.  I think I was able to stay more in the moment whilst I read it - but I felt uncomfortable about the section I wrote out above - the questions about the impact on daily life of the focus on writing, or journaling etc.  I recognise the avoidant aspects of myself - that I can't trust in even seeing a medical person, let alone go to see a therapist.  I have seen a therapist in the past, but there is a large part of me that is reluctant to take me there again. 

I think I'm scared of some things - what might be realised.  But I am eager to uncover them at the same time. 

When I saw the replies here from Blueberry and Wattlebird and Three Roses, I felt a whoosh of emotion - feeling a sense of validation - of true empathy - and it causes me to feel a lump in my throat of emotion - and brings tears to my eyes - but it's a good feeling - at the same time.  Weirdly, I am experiencing tinnitus in my ear quite strongly at the same time. 

I am glad I came here today and wrote this - I think I feel better for doing so. 

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

I agree with behealthy
I discussed with my t this week wether she thought I was spending too much time on myself, seems to be a common fear in recovery, she said no by the way.
I was reading about how to identify emotions and one helpful thing was to try and identity when you have felt the same in the past or what it reminds you of, this helps me sometimes.
I think you are doing a wonderful job of learning about yourself without a therapist, there may come a time when you want to get one but you are processing and learning a lot on your own.
     

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you - it has really helped me to read what you wrote here - I find that when I'm reading or trying to process things that I end up with various altercations amongst my various parts - and I think that my inner or outer critics have a go as well - and clearly they focused on those questions that I copied - and I began to feel uncomfortable - and that feeling grew.  But you're right, they are referring to 'hundreds of pages weekly' rather than the level I've been doing - I guess it's probably some guilt about addressing my own needs - when I've been trained or encouraged to look to the needs of my FOO in the past - I do feel better balanced today - this morning - so that's good!  Thanks again for your reply and also for your perspective, which I think is well balanced and healthy - living up to your name 'BeHea1thy'   

Hi Wattlebird - Thank you so much - your reply is so helpful too - and thank you for validating my progress so far - I do feel like I am making progress, but it's good to hear someone say it at the same time.  It was helpful to hear that your T spoke of the common fear in recovery of spending too much time on oneself, and that she didn't think you were doing that.  I am going to take that on board myself, and I hope to continue with my current path - because I feel like it's getting somewhere helpful.    to you and thanks for your support and encouragement.

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Journal Entry on 10th February 2019
When I think back on yesterday, I wonder if maybe I was in an EF for quite a bit of the day - it was hard for me to do anything for most of the day - but I managed to finally focus in the end, and was glad that I got back to my Dissociation book and did the chapter - it was helpful but it also evoked some internal criticism and confusion amongst different parts of me, but thankfully after a night's sleep, I have awoken feeling somewhat better - more centred and balanced and calmer. 

I did have the experience of what I think might have been some de-personalization though - in that whilst I was getting dressed, I felt as if my body was much larger than it actually is - i.e. as if there was a Little Hope there in my big adult body - and she was surprised at how big the body was.  I have felt that sense before, but haven't considered what was going on - but today I just thought - this is feeling depersonalised and I just tried to remain calm, and thankfully now I'm up and dressed - I'm feeling more in proportion to myself again.

I feel as if I could do more things today - so I'm going to try to do some of them, as I do have quite a lot of things I need to do today - and I will try to do them - with this renewed sense of energy that I think I have at this moment.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 12th February 2019
I feel some more realisations in terms of beginning to feel some anger - and writing about it - I made a start.  Such a physical reaction though. 

I have been beginning to get in touch with an older part of me - a teenage part - probably aged between 17 and 19 years of age, and also myself aged 11 to 16 years as well - and beginning to think about flashbacks of memory from those times. 

I realise that I have got times mixed up - things that I thought had happened at certain ages, were not in the right place, and the fragments are now beginning to make better sense - in that I can put them in a time framework, but it has been disconcerting to realise my inaccuracies - but I think it makes sense - as I was fragmented and the memories reflect that.

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope,
I've just been reflecting on memories in a similar way and have problems matching them to say where I lived or worked at the time, my life outside the memory that is. As you say I've realised it was fragmented and not in a timeline.
As you say it's disconcerting
Best wishes hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird - Yes, it is disconcerting, and thank you for sharing your experience and validating this - because it helps to know that I'm not alone with this.  Best wishes to you too 

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Journal entry on 13th February 2019
Regarding my anger, I have found that it has surfaced more - and that I am carrying it around with me in my daily life - things are annoying me more than they normally would, and even people - e.g. I have felt some irritation occasionally even to my partner, and I realise that he's not done anything to justify that feeling, and therefore I am wondering if my angry teen parts are hanging around and affecting me.  My relationship with work colleagues is going ok - and I am not experiencing any irritation there - maybe these things end up being pushed onto the people we care about the most, because they are a safe place to project them, but I am keen not to express my irritation to my partner, as he does not deserve it.

So I am left with the quandary of how best to address this anger, and what to do with it.  I feel as if I should write some letters directed to my FOO - to express it there - but I realise that I have some avoidance about that - and whilst part of me wants to do that, I actually fear what I'll end up saying.  But maybe I should just go for it, and see what happens.

However, I want to wait till the weekend, as I feel that I need to reign in my emotions for this week - and keep myself together - and I fear falling apart if I express myself.  But maybe this is part of my problem - that I fear losing control of my emotions, and I fear the anger and what might happen if I express it too much. 

I think I was dreaming more last night, but I can't recall the content - which is disappointing as I would like to know the themes of my dreams.  They are not nightmares or night terrors, which is good - I've not had those for a long time now - which is a positive thing.

Someone gave me some very positive feedback on my work today - which made me feel good. 

I feel quite tired - so I'm going to have a rest and relax now.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

I know what you mean about feeling unwarranted amounts of anger toward people in my current world.  For me, it seems that students sometimes trigger me in ways that make me uncomfortable.  So, it may be teenaged me responding to bullying I once endured.  Regardless, it is our current awareness that allows for change and growth.

Kudos to you on all of your growth!

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hope, I am a mish-mash of emotions, and I usually try to wait until I am calmer until I analyse them. I have been hiding my emotions for so long, from myself as well as others, the work of recognising and identifying the feelings are still new to me.

I also get the thing where I can't remember my dreams. I used to get night terrors frequently. Fortunately not any more. Now, my dreams are recurring and disturbing and though I can't remember the details I trust these will come in time too.

Recovery is slow but worthwhile work and I recognise a lot of the things you are writing about. My thanks to you for sharing. 

SaB

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - Thank you - I appreciate you offering me Kudos and for saying what you said.   

Hi SaB - I appreciate all you said here, and thank you for sharing your thoughts - I am glad to hear that you don't get night terrors as frequently any more - it's good that the frequency is less.  I agree that recovery is slow but worthwhile work - and here's to us continuing on, and hopefully getting where we need/want to be with it.   

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Journal Entry on 15th February 2019

I am happy that i've got through the week, and I am glad it's a weekend now.  I feel tired, but not too over-tired - and I am hoping to get things done this weekend, and I've made a list. 


TW- mentioning some violence related words/themes in this next paragraph

Last night I felt incredibly angry - it was like there was a very very angry part of myself that had awakened, and didn't like the fact my partner was even in the bed!  I kept hearing swear words from that part - and violent thoughts - wanting to punch/hit/defend - and yet the only thing that my partner was doing was struggling to sleep himself, and therefore making a few more noises and movements than normal.  This was worrying for me, because I was trying to tell myself that I was safe, and that there wasn't anything to defend or protect myself from, and yet it was like there was a part of myself that was literally seething in anger.


End of TW


I am feeling much calmer today and the anger seems to have left me.  I am relieved - because it felt like it had blended with me last night - and I feared that I might lash out in my sleep and possibly do something that I wasn't in control of.  Thankfully I fell asleep and slept ok. 


Hope 

[Wattlebird]

That must have been scary, I'm glad you are feeling better today, I'm getting surges of anger as well, it's horrible, I feel empathy for your scared part but I'm scared of mine, maybe I should be feeling empathy for my part 
Sending hugs to help 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,  Thank you so much for the hugs  and I want to extend empathy to you for your feelings of being scared by your angry part - I understand what you're saying there.  I've just been summarising Chapter 9 of my version of the Dissociation book, and it made sense in terms of things that were said in that chapter - I can't say more than that right now, as I'm feeling a bit physically nauseous, from having read that book and processed some of the things that were in it.  I don't think that some of my dissociative parts were handling it too well - but I have got through it...

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Journal Entry on 16th February 2019

Today has been a strange day - I've procrastinated for much of it - ended up going to bed for a large chunk of the afternoon, but this evening I've managed to summarise Chapter 9 of the Dissociation book - although I feel physically sick now.  But I related to so much that was said in that chapter, and I do want to write more about my experiences on a personal level - I wrote a note in there with some stars *** to remind me of something I wanted to write about - but I don't think I can do it yet - maybe another day.  I realise I am scared of over-loading myself or doing things too quickly.  I need to pace myself.

I'm going to try to relax for the rest of the evening.  I still have time tomorrow to do some things I want to do.  So I hope that I'll be able to achieve some of them tomorrow.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - Your reply has been so helpful - I read it earlier today and thought that your suggestion of "Weekend space without agendas might be just the ticket" - I thought 'Yes!  Just the ticket!" - so thank you - I spent today without an agenda, and it was an enjoyable day.  I felt more at ease and relaxed and it was a good feeling.  So thank you so much!   

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Journal Entry on 17th February 2019
A better day - more relaxed and I enjoyed it.  No agenda, and I just did things that I wanted to do - when I wanted to do them, and didn't give myself any 'to do list' agendas - I actually ended up 'doing' quite a few things - that were helpful and also quite productive, so it was a good outcome.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Sounds really good Hope!