Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - I do relate very much to what you said - I struggle with some basic skills as well - and I can't cope with cooking for more than just me and my partner - it sends me into a big worry if I have to do more than that.  I often feel like I can't tackle certain gadgets either - it's like I have a real blockage and just don't feel capable.  I'm grateful for the fact there are u-tube videos that I can watch to find out how to do some things, but even then, I worry that someone is going to criticise my attempts - even though there's no one in my current life who would do that - i.e. the criticism comes from my memories of FOO and my inner critic etc.  People around me in my life now - they are supportive and kind. 

Hi Deep Blue - you are so kind to me to say that - thank you.  I really appreciate you sharing that you feel safe talking to me - I feel the same about you.  I appreciate all those hugs to the different parts of me and I would like to send you a safe hug to you and any parts you have that need a hug 

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Journal Entry on 9th April 2019
I only worked for half the day today - and I ended up in bed for the afternoon - and I was in touch with an incredibly sad part of myself - in that I really felt grief and sadness at a very heavy level - but instead of trying to push it aside, I decided to just let it seep through me, and I tried to understand it - and think that it was part of me that was sad - and somehow when I finally woke up - I felt some relief.  So I think that was a good thing.  But it was a depth of sadness that was heavy and very intense.  But it wasn't like the fear and fractious terror that I can feel when in touch with a different part of me - feeing the grief and sadness - it was definitely a different part.  She felt older somehow - and as if she was in a dark room - like a gothic dining room with a hearth - my childhood home was very much like a gothic horror house - I suspect that is why I feel that way.  My childhood feels like a gothic novel.  Like it's not real - and yet I know things happened.

I had terrible tinnitus in both ears today - it was like somethings was literally screaming at me.  I again just allowed it to wash over me - and I didn't fight it.  It did reduce as time went on. 

I've started reading the Experiential version of the Treating Dissociation book - the one that Wattlebird told me about - and I am going to buy a stress ball - when I get a chance, so I can try the experiential exercises - I've decided that my tendency to read about things, and intellectualise - I need to do more experiential things - otherwise I'll be trapped and unable to move forward - I want to move forward.

I do feel like I'm making some progress with things - and I feel as if I am no longer frightened of different parts of myself - I am befriending them gradually - and the more I'm reading about things - I realise that it's within more people's experience than I previously realised, and that makes me feel less alone with it.

I keep the people in this forum in my head - and think about them from time to time - and it feels like I have another 'family' here - who understand and support me.  That's how it feels, and I am very grateful for that support - I think I rely on it quite a bit.  It's like a safe place to come and it's like a haven.

to everyone here - who would like a safe hug. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[SharpAndBlunt]

  

[Hope67]

 
Thank you both Three Roses and SaB
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 12th April 2019
I had a dream last night - I've had dreams with similar themes before - the theme being that I'm travelling somewhere and there's a house (usually quite old) where I have stored lots of belongings.  Normally the dream focuses on how limited my time is to pack up my belongings to move on to the next place on my travels - and how I can't necessarily do it in time, and it's really stressful.  This time, it was as if I discovered that the belongings had been stored there a very very long time, and there was even food that had somehow been put inbetween items and had gone like cardboard through the age of it all - and it was as if some parts of papers etc were crumbling from decay and old age.  Yet, instead of having the usual panic of trying to pack all this stuff - it was like I was being walked around the place and allowed to look and see the state everything was in, and it was as if someone who walked around the room with me was saying to me - 'Don't worry about all of this' 'You can leave it' 'You don't need all these things' 'Just leave them here' and 'Move on'.

I really think that this was quite significant in terms of how it made me feel when I woke up and considered the content of the dream, and the fact that I wasn't panicked within it, but felt calm.  I really think that the reading and processing I've been doing recently has helped me - and that I am getting somewhere - such that my subconscious mind is processing things and allowing me to move forward in my dreams, and in my waking life too.

That's how it feels as I think about it.  So that is a nice thing, and I am glad of it.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Notalone and Blueberry 

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Journal Entry on 13th April 2019

Last night I had another vivid dream, and this time I seemed to be on some kind of really large 'antique' train - which somehow seemed to have carriages about the size of cinemas or theatres - and there were dark red curtains and old wooden seats.  There was hardly anyone on the train and I was travelling somewhere- I have no idea where.  Strangely when I woke in the morning, I found that my entire body was suffering as if I had arthritis - but I don't suffer from arthritis, so this felt quite alien to me - but literally I felt as if my body was aching all the way through it - and as if I'd been in an awkward body posture - thankfully I soon felt better once I started moving around and getting ready for the day. 

Not sure what to make of that dream, but I wanted to write about it in my Journal.  I realise I am having more vivid dreams lately.

My partner reminded me that the content of my dreams is much better than previously - when I was experiencing many more night terrors and being much more physical in my sleep.  Screaming and jumping out of bed etc.  I don't seem to have done anything like that for many months now.  I am relieved. 

I've been reading the Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation book today - and I've been reading my way through it, and it has so many practical things I can try out - that I am humbled by it.  It is amazing and it makes sense - and I am going to try putting things in place. 

This Journal is entitled 'Befriending My Parts' and I think I have made progress in doing that - and that I can actually witness conversations between them - in my mind - on regular bases - and I feel as if I'm more comfortable with the ones I've identified and that I'm beginning to put them into safe places in my mind where they can feel more comfortable.

I would like to do more of the exercise that looks at allowing them time to converse about things - and come together - and I hope to try to carve out time every day to try to do that. 

The other thing I'm keen to do is re-write a time line of my personal history - and see where events slot in - as I realise I had things in the wrong order on many occasions, and as I've been considering flashbacks of memory and using google to search for when events in history have happened, it's meant I can then relate to my exact age when certain things happened - but I would like to look at that in a diagram or paper of some kind. 

I also wanted to just write down a couple of things that I still feel quite phobic about - in that I am not very comfortable with talking about my work history or my intimacy issues, but I think that's ok - I will hopefully be able to talk more about those things at some point - and in the meantime, I can look at other things that I feel more comfortable to talk about and explore.

I have done a couple of social things this week - and I managed to cope reasonably well with them.  This is good as I had cancelled some things last week - feeling unable to cope with them.  So this week has been better in that respect.

I'm nearly feeling ready to think of my next Journal title - and start a fresh Journal - but I've not yet decided on what the title will be.  I would also like to think of some things to write as my aspirations within that journal, and again, that feels challenging, so I'm not sure if I'll manage to do that or not.  But hopefully I'll think of something and then start that new Journal. 

I feel like I'd like to write some letters (not to send) to members of FOO - to try to work through and process some stuff, and that is also something I'm keen to do - but which feels quite daunting as well.  But I know it's helpful whenever I've done that in the past, here in the forum. 

Hope 

[Jdog]

 

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Jdog 

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Journal Entry on 14th April 2019
**TW mentioning 'goodbyes' which are my personally very triggering triggers
Yesterday evening I decided to watch the film 'Goodbye Christopher Robin' - I should have realised that watching something that is so triggering would be impossible to watch - but the combination of themes in the first 5 or 10 minutes of this film - i.e. animals wearing clothes (which are triggering to me) plus the theme of the film being 'goodbyes' - I just found that I was overcome with emotion and couldn't stop crying whilst watching it - it was like a whoosh of emotion in my very young parts - and I couldn't cope with it at all - I had to stop watching the film.

My partner said that he wasn't surprised because he said there were quite a few themes in that first 10 minutes - he mentioned things like 1) there was no adult around 2) the child was alone with the toys and it was all about having to say goodbye to those toys


I wish I could understand more how those things impact me so much - the intensity of that reaction was shocking to me. 


I wanted to write about it while it's fresh in my memory.  I slept ok last night - I think I was dreaming, but didn't have any recall of the content of the dreams.  I feel ok this morning.  Although I do feel more sensitive to things generally today - and I feel quite vulnerable generally.  But I think maybe I am still in a flashback and will feel better as the day goes on. 


Hope 

[Blueberry]

  for stopping watching the film. You protected your Little Hopes that way.

It's great that your partner is so perceptive and understands your triggers so well and he (I'm pretty sure anyway) won't be talking like some ICr afterwards, unlike some people's FOC and FOO members.

ime though it might be different for you, I only tend to understand why things are so difficult when the feelings aren't so terribly, terribly raw. Maybe there needs to be more of an Adult on board rather than us being in full-swing of an EF with multiple Little Ones around? I do understand your wish to know what's going on though! 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - thank you - I appreciated everything you said there - it was really helpful.     I have felt a bit raw today - and a bit vulnerable, but I've been kind to myself and got through the day ok, and I am trying to look after Little Hopes - they were very distraught by the effects of that film - I was shocked at the intensity of it.  I think I need to think about it from a distance, and like you said, have an Adult on board. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Glad you are being kind to the little ones. All those parts deserve comfort and care.

[Hope67]

Thank you notalone - I appreciate your kind words to my Little Hopes.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope,
Are you still reading "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?" I went for a walk this morning and the sun was shining on the snow and the tree branches were weighed down from the heavy, pure white snow. I felt a little like I was in Narnia and I thought of you. I hope you have a comforting and peaceful day.