Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

Started by Hope67, May 12, 2018, 06:46:09 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Hope67

Hi notalone,
Yes, I am still reading it - although I've not got very far - I think I've read the first chapter so far - but I intend to continue.  I was touched that you thought of me when you were in the white snow today - how lovely to be in Narnia - enjoying lovely snow.   Thank you for your kind thoughts   :hug:

***************
Journal Entry on 15th April 2019
I am beginning to realise that my tendency to dissociate quite often has really set me back sometimes - because it means that whenever I read books, I am not usually managing to read and process them to the level I would like - I am trying to slow things down, and really focus - and take my time more - and I think that is helping.  I've also been noticing that I've not really known how to truly care for my 'Little Hopes' and that I need to develop ways to do that.  Because I guess they dissociated from me because there were adult parts of myself that couldn't cope - that was what I was reading today - and it made sense.  So I'm considering more how to protect and help them to feel I am there for them, and that I care.  Because I do.  But I feel helpless sometimes to know what best to do to help them.

Having this realisation helps.  At least I am more aware of it now.  That means I can hopefully do something more tangible about it.

Oscen has written some information about roles within families - and there was a link to a website - I need to look at it, because it looked really useful.  I related to a lot that Oscen was saying, and I was very impressed by all the things written there.

I ended up comfort eating today - it was like I was wanting to stuff down some feelings that had surfaced - I recognise that, and I don't want to do that - I'm trying to change my behaviour with regard to handling emotions in that way.  It wasn't too bad, but I didn't like how I ended up feeling.

But I am 'feeling' and that is ok.

Hope  :)

Three Roses

 :hug: just wanted you to know you've been heard.

Hope67

Hi Three Roses -  :hug:  Thank you so much.  I feel heard, and it helps so much.   :)

**********
Journal Entry on 17th April 2019
I've been reading some things other people have said in the forum, and especially about how body memories can really impact on the body - and it makes me think back to the other morning when I felt as if my body had been bruised and felt as if I had arthritis- and I wonder if that might be because my angry part is getting more active and is affecting me at night in my sleep.  I think this makes sense, and I am thinking about it.

I've experienced different body feelings - especially pains in my head, and even in my chest - but the feeling of being bruised throughout my body was quite new.  I've suffered from back aches a lot in the past - but not so much in the present - which is interesting.

I do remember when I had therapy that my T had mentioned that I was 'carrying' a lot - in a physical sense and metaphorical sense - maybe I put that load down when I made the decision to become estranged from my FOO - but I still carry things related to it - in different ways.

I'm finding the thought of the Easter weekend to be a potentially stressful one - but I hope to be able to get through it ok.  I just need to work tomorrow, and then I have some time off through till next Tuesday.  There are some commitments amongst that, and some of them are social - and some of them are not yet planned, so there could be things happening that I will feel a bit unready for - but I'll do my best to see how it goes.

I did have a look at that website that Oscen talked about - the one relating to family roles, and I think I jumped on the 'Lost child' role too quickly - I realise my role has changed over the years, depending on what was going on in the family - I have taken different roles over time, and whilst I can see some of the roles I've taken, I don't feel comfortable yet to write those down beyond that - maybe there are parts of me that dislike some of the roles that different parts of me have played, and don't feel safe to divulge them - I'm not sure, but I'm going to sit with my thoughts on it for a while, and might feel comfortable to write more over time.  I feel quite vulnerable sometimes - so want to protect myself.

I'm not sure what I'm protecting myself from, but it's the sense I have.

Hope  :)

SharpAndBlunt

Hi Hope, wishing you a good Easter weekend and also best wishes with your bruised / sleep feelings. I often have dreams where I can't move and then I wake feeling heavy and muscle weary. I think I 'hold' onto a lot, too, in everyday life.

SaB

Deep Blue

Hope,
I'm thinking of you today.  I'm wearing my shirt that says HOPE on it and trying to feel your spirit.

Was it me that was talking about body memories? It was suggested that I should try a mantra to ease them.  I'm fiddling with one right now.

Just wanted to send you love and support and let you know I'm sitting with you on this.  :hug: safe hug if it's ok

Hope67

Hi SaB - Thank you so much, and wishing you a good Easter weekend too - thank you for sharing your experience of bruised/sleep feelings, it is helpful to know that it is something that can happen - I hope we get some restful sleep  :hug:

Hi Deep Blue - I have been thinking of you too - and I hope that my spirit is able to reach out to you across the miles - and offer you some gentle but heartfelt support -  :hug:  I know how difficult this weekend is for you - well, I can't know how you feel exactly, but what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate it is a difficult and challenging Anniversary - and I am thinking of you.    Yes, you were one of the people mentioning the body memories - there have been a few mentions from different people, and hearing everyone talking about them, it makes me understand myself a little more - because I have read the book 'The Body Keeps the Score' but I didn't appreciate quite how relevant that is - I am beginning to realise it more as I experience these things more.    Thank you for the safe hug, and I send you one too  :hug:

**********
Journal entry on 19th April 2019
I am trying to pace the weekend, and cope with it step by step.  I think it is working, as I've felt ok so far.  Infact I've had a couple of flashbacks to positive memories - I had a visual of some food put on a wall for some kind of bird, and it was as if I'd read a childhood story in the past where that might have been the case, and there might have been an illustration in the book - and I literally saw the flash of the picture - but I can't relate to which story it was, but I know that it gave me positive thoughts - and it was lovely that the young part of myself showed me something nice like that.  I thanked her for doing so.  I've been trying to do the visual thing of inviting my parts to communicate - and trying to do this each day - and I'm beginning to have more flashbacks as a result of that.  I think I feel better about doing this now - and I hope that it will be something I can continue. 

I have cancelled a social thing - but accepted another one - so I am making some choices - and that feels quite good to have done that.  Step by step.  I hope that the weekend will be ok.

So far so good.
Hope  :)

Not Alone

 :applause: Sounds like you are making good choices to take care of yourself.  :cheer:

Hope67

Hi Notalone - thank you so much  :hug: 

***********
Journal entry on 20th April 2019.

I had a tough night last night - I experienced a flashback that was so strong and put me in contact with what I think Pete Walker called the 'depression melange' - there was a very frightened and anxious part of me, and I literally felt or heard her crying out - and I felt her fear and upset.  The flashback has stayed with me for much of today - but now it's the evening, I am feeling somewhat better - it's as if I am out of that melange, and feeling lighter.  I am relieved, as I felt quite depressed and low in mood for much of the day - I was relieved that I didn't have any social things today - I do have quite a few tomorrow though, so I hope I will be ok.

I've been reading through my notebook where I keep my detailed notes on the various books I've read - and re-reading the things there was very helpful, but also put me in touch with many things - but it felt like a re-cap of what I've been trying to learn, and I feel like I know the direction I am going in, with regard to working on my 'stuff' and helping myself to process and continue to befriend my parts. 

I am beginning to feel compassion for them, and to view them with some understanding - and also to appreciate what different parts of me went through, and how each of us played a part in coping.  I feel as if I'm gaining some trust from some parts of myself that I couldn't access before - and I feel honoured and also so relieved that they are making contact with me, and beginning to share things, even though some of the feelings I've ended up 'feeling' are really tough - but they aren't new - I felt them before - I remember those feelings more now - I am just amazed at how a very small child can experience such feelings - it is horrible to think that Little Hopes dealt with things - but somehow she got through her childhood.  Although the developmental stages are frozen at various stages - I realise that. 

I think it was Pete Walker who spoke of the parts sitting together on a bus - but maybe it was in Sally Field's book 'Pieces' that I read that - I am getting muddled up about where I read things and who said what.  Sally Field saw a therapist, and I think he said it.  It was like she was able to recognise her parts and how they can travel together - and approach life in that way.  I think that's what I'd like to achieve - with better relationships between them, and being able to live life more in the present.

I was in touch more with an angry part of myself too - and that part actually physically hurt my partner by squeezing his hand so it hurt him - he complained about the pain, and I realised that it was my Angry part that had acted in that way - but I also realised that I could have stopped that happening, and yet I didn't.  So I am hoping that it won't happen again, as I don't want to hurt him.  He is a gentle person, and I don't think he would ever hurt me intentionally, so I don't want to do that to him either - regardless of whether parts of me are trying to act out.

I have been overeating, and I guess it's comfort eating.  I'm trying not to overdo it, but it's hard.

I am finding this weekend quite tough really - but I'm doing ok.

Hope  :)

Not Alone

Hope, I can relate to so much of what your wrote; flashback, the parts, eating for comfort, etc. Glad you are (mostly) out of your flashback. Sending you (all the parts!) compassion and a hug.  :hug:

Hope67

Hi Notalone - thank you for your compassion and the hug - I appreciate both those things very much.   :hug:

***********
Journal Entry on 21st April 2019
I have got a lot of things on today - social things connected to Easter - but I'm managing to cope ok - and some moments have been very nice - and others have been a bit stressful, but I've managed to cope and so on balance I would say it's ok so far.  I think I will be very tired by the end of the day though!

No time to say more than that - got to go.

Hope  :)

Jdog

Hope-

Balance is such a great thing to discover, especially at a stressful and busy time.  I'm glad you have discovered some balance and ease.  And yay for Pete Walker's help for all of us.  I have been dealing with depression recently too, and it's feels sort of like I suddenly fall into a ravine and my younger parts are there and feel so sad.  And then, we usually climb out of the ravine and see sunlight eventually.

Just thought I would share.   :hug:

Hope67

Hi Jdog - I found what you wrote about the ravine to be really helpful - and that you can climb out of the ravine and see the sunlight eventually - that is a really helpful way to think about it - I am going to consider that next time, because I think it will help me to think of it that way - so thank you so much - I appreciate you sharing that very much.   :hug:

************
Journal Entry on 22nd April 2019
Whilst I still have these thoughts fresh in my mind, I'm going to write about them, as I thought it was interesting and I want to remember them.  Yesterday I had quite a few social things to go to and I found the day quite stressful in that respect, but at the same time, I did manage to cope - and things weren't as bad as I anticipated they might be.  I nearly broke down in tears at one point, when one of my inners freaked out about something - but I was glad that I was able to keep myself together and not show that distress once I was in the company of other people.  I was however aware that I was dissociated sometimes - but thought that it had essentially helped me to get through everything.  I do remember a lot of what happened yesterday.

In particular, what I wanted to remember here - is that I noticed how a Critical part of me - and I am not sure if it's an Outer Critic or an Inner Critic, so I'm not sure of how to describe it accurately, but essentially it's a 'Critic' - but it was as if that part of me became hyper-sensitive for the day, and was taking the role of wanting to be extra critical of anyone around me - as if it was trying to say to me that other people didn't necessarily look out for me - and should therefore be criticised.  However, the fact I was aware of this, and could see it for what it was, meant that I could handle it differently and not listen to the criticisms in the same way that I would have done previously - I was able to have a dialogue with that part and I was grateful for the fact it was looking out for me and trying to protect me, but I also tried to communicate that there wasn't the same need to do that - as people around me were actually good people, and that they were kind and not likely to hurt me. 

Anyway, I got through the day.  Today is more peaceful - I don't have any more social things - and I can enjoy a day off - and I'm not sure what I'm going to do today, or how I'm going to spend the day, but I am just glad to have the space and opportunity to enjoy the day.  So that is what I hope will happen. 

Hope  :)

Not Alone

Hope, fantastic self-awareness and dialogue. Sounds like you dealt with the critical part in a very healthy way; you knew she was trying to protect you and you were able to reassure her that you were with good, safe people. Hope your day is peaceful and renewing.

SharpAndBlunt

Hi Hope, I just wanted to say I think that you can have that inner dialogue is fantastic. It must be a very calming and grounding thing, to be able to do that. I hope you've had a nice restful day after your busy one.

SaB

Deep Blue

Hey Hope
Just wanted to send you some  :hug: :hug: and love.  Glad you got through last weekend, I felt we were in it together a bit there.

Take care sweetie