Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Sceal]

Hi hope!
Don't have many words today, just wanted to let you know I'm cheering for you.

Sceal

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue, Blueberry & Sceal - I appreciate your replies, and thank you all 

*****
Journal Entry for 5th June 2018

I'm suffering from indigestion today - at least I think that's what it is - I've had pain in my tummy and now pain in my throat - and whilst I think it's indigestion, I am also aware that I'm being more mindful of any bodily feelings, thoughts, feelings etc and thinking about them as potential communications from fragmented parts - so I can't be sure what it actually is.  But might be indigestion.  I don't like it - whatever it is.  I hope it will go away soon.  But I've had it since lunchtime today. 

***Potential trigger warning, as mentioning suicidal/addictive behaviours etc,

Also, I was reading Janina's book - and I was re-reading Chapter 7 which is called "Working with Suicidal, Self Destructive, Eating Disordered, and Addicted Parts" - and I had underlined prominent lines and statements within that chapter, the last time I read it - and yet on this re-reading of it, I was amazed by the things I'd thought were relevant the last time I read it - i.e. it was like I just didn't relate to the same things this time, and infact I related to completely different things - so it felt as if maybe another part of me must have been reading it the first time, as I really couldn't relate to it the same way!  This has disconcerted me a fair bit, as I realise I have 'different parts' within myself, but I don't think I'm dissociated from them to the degree that I am unaware of what I'm doing - at least as long as I keep in the reality of life and don't drink too much alcohol - I've had experiences with alcohol where I've lost track of time and forgotten where I live and basically what the time frame is - hence I don't allow myself to drink too much alcohol - so I won't experience that - it did scare me at the time.

But maybe I was just a bit dissociated when I read the chapter last time, and just literally related to different things.  I don't know.

I feel a bit concerned about it - but not too bad.

I also noticed that a couple of people have commented in the thread that I wrote about my uncomfortable feelings about animals wearing clothes, and somehow I find it hard to go back there to even read the replies properly - even though I am grateful to the people for responding there - maybe it's too triggering for me at the moment, and the words feel too triggering to read - I'll go back when I feel I can.

I've ordered a book that Ah has recommended in the book section - called 'Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen - as I respect Ah's recommendation of it, and I also liked what the reviews said about the book - it looks like it could be really good, and I feel the need to read something new.  I know that my thirst for books is growing every stronger - I love to read books - they have helped me through life so much. 

I nearly spend the whole afternoon in bed today - I nearly took that option - but then decided that a cup of tea and reading something would be better.  It was mainly because of this pain in my tummy and in my throat - I wanted it to go away.

Also, when I was thinking about the dissociated stuff in relation to that chapter in Janina's book, my left part of my head really hurt too - which is why I'm thinking it's something more than indigestion. 

I will try to go to bed early tonight - I think that's a good option.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i've had that experience as well, of coming back and finding that what i thought important at one time didn't seem the same the next time i read it.  i've always thought of it as a sign of growth - that somehow i've grown, so my perspective on things became different.  could that be what happened to you?

it never felt like i dissociated, just that i'd reached another level of recovery.  like those were more basic things i'd felt i needed to remember at the time. so, when i came back to it after a while,  those same bits weren't relevant in the same way as the first time i'd seen them.

just a thought.

i hope you figure out what your pains are all about.  best to you with that.   love and hugs to you, hope.

[Libby183]

Hi Hope.

I really sympathise with the horrid indigestion feeling. For me, it is a very strong emotional symptom. Hoping you have found some relief from this.

As you know,  I always keep up with your journal and have read about your working through the Janina book with great interest. 

At first,  I didn't really "get it", but now it is starting to resonate with me. I think my therapy experience has had a lot to do with this, and I understand a lot more about dissociation,  splitting,  wounded parts and so on.

So I think it is definitely time to order the book.  I think my husband would probably say something similar to what your partner said, about re-traumatising ourselves.  I just feel so strongly that I need to understand myself. Is that what drives you, do you think, in its most simple terms? That quest for understanding yourself, that other people just don't even have to think about,  let alone embark on, because they are who they are and they know it. Does that make sense in terms of Janina's book, perhaps?

You are a support and inspiration to me, so thank you,  and I will let you know when I get the book.

Take care and I hope your digestion is a little more settled today.

Hugs, Libby.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Your reply is so helpful to me, as I hadn't thought of that possibility - and yet, it is the most obvious - I was beginning to worry about myself a little - and your reply has helped me to gain a much more grounded perspective - thank you so much!  I do think my perspective has become different - in terms of the contents of the chapter I was reading.  That would explain why I felt so differently and didn't relate to the things I'd highlighted that first time I was reading it.    My pains have gone now, and I think they were more than indigestion - I do think they represented more than that.  But I am thankful they have gone away today.  I feel a lot better.    to you, SanMagic 

Hi Libby,
I read your reply this morning, and I wanted to think about it for a while before replying - as you asked me 'what drives' me - and you spoke of the fact that you feel so strongly that you need to understand yourself - I do relate to that, Libby - very much so.  I think it is a driving force for me too - in the most simple terms.  You went on to say that you feel that other people don't even have to think about it, and that is where I am not so sure, as I actually wonder what goes on in people's heads - I suspect that none of us (however assured and confident we might look on the outside) are necessarily feeling the same way inside - regardless of what background experiences we have - I think human nature is one of insecurity and possibly wondering what life is all about - maybe we all have existential crises and crises of identity - I am really not sure about it all, but I think that humans are vulnerable - and trying to make sense of life, and trying to discover who we are and why we're here - and often - it's hard to answer that.  But especially so if we have experienced challenging childhood experiences. 

Libby - it's great that you're ordering Janina's book, and that some of the snippets from the book have resonated with you already - I hope that you'll enjoy reading it, and find it useful.  WhoBuddy and Fen Starshimmer are also reading it - or have read it - and I am currently re-reading it!  There is a thread in the Book section where some of us have been commenting on our reflections from that book - I think you've already mentioned reading some of that.

Libby - I also feel an affinity to you and your experiences, as I feel we have quite a bit of things in common - and you inspire me and support me - so I echo what you said to me - I also wanted to join in the conversation you were having with Blueberry the other day (which I think was in Blueberry's Journal - which is why I held back, as I didn't want to hijack anything) - but I also felt traumatised by my NM's awful interactions with various machines (vacuum cleaners being one of them) and how she would scream and shout at it - and I would be scared.  I am also not very good with machinery and gadgets etc - although I try my best.  My M used to bang and crash her way around the kitchen too, when in a foul mood, and so it wasn't relaxing to be around that. 

Anyway, I've written quite a lot, but thank you for your reply here, and regarding my digestion - it is much better today - I think it was a strong emotional symptom, rather than pure indigestion - and I am feeling relieved not to have it today.    to you, Libby.

******
Journal Entry for 6th June 2018
I feel better today - in terms of not having the indigestion - and I think it was more than indigestion, I think it was emotional pain of some kind.  I am just relieved it's not with me today.  So, how do I feel today has gone?  It was ok!  I have coped with a few things that were challenging in some ways, nothing big - just things that are tricky and time-consuming.  So I feel I've achieved something today.

I have to go now, as I've just remembered I need to do something...

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,
My name caught my eye. So you too - trouble with machines and an M who used to crash and bang about. Mine did that too, also a lot in the kitchen. I can't even work a mobile phone. Three separate people have gone through the steps with me on different occasions with pretty basic phones till I can do it. Come the time I need the mobile, it doesn't work. Not with instructions, nothing. I just can't do it. There are a few times a year when a mobile would be really handy.

A therapist once told me that it is because deep down I don't want to use a mobile phone, but I don't agree. I think that was speculation on his part.

on your indigestion being better. For me, indigestion is usually an emotional thing too. But certainly a relief when it's over. 

[sanmagic7]

glad your belly pain is better, hope. 

personally, i think a lot of people don't want to know more about themselves, not in any depth regarding their issues.   i've always seen these people as being very superficial, and have known more than a few of them.  i think humans are complex enough to always have something going on in their minds, but i've also seen a lot of distractive behaviors to stay away from exploration.

i heard once that if you've had parents, you need therapy.  thought that was funny, but very true, which means basically all of us have issues that need looking into.  those who are too scared just don't go there, and can do a lot of dancing around the whole thing.

that's part of what i find so inspiring about the people here - they're so courageous to dive inside to find their answers instead of making up excuses or using blanket statements to never look within.  one of my favorites was 'i'm a jew from new york, and that's just the way i am'.  he had a lot of behaviors that could have used some new perspective on his part, but he always excused the neg. about himself with that statement.

keep taking care of you, hope.  i think you're really doing great.   love and hugs to you.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
It's amazing how much those experiences with M's crashing and banging around impact on us years later - and I actually relate to some things you said about using a mobile too - because my use of one is quite limited - and I tend to avoid it!  But like you say, it's useful to use one every now and again. 
Hi SanMagic,
It's really interesting to hear your thoughts on other people potentially not wishing to know more about their issues - at least not in any depth - I think that for me, I was 'unaware' for many years - and feel as if my parts had compartmentalised themselves so that I wasn't 'able to' see things that had happened to them, and wasn't able to understand - but I'm beginning to communicate with them now, and I can see things better - although it's still a foggy terrain at times - and I am unsure what is hidden in some of the recesses - that's for sure.  But I recognise that I've got some protector parts and also 'eraser' parts who don't feel I can cope with some of the things - I recognise that too.  I think I'm making more links and realising more things - and I'm thankful about that. 

to you both, Blueberry & SanMagic, and thanks for your replies.

*****
Journal entry on 8th June 2018
Yesterday I experienced an EF (emotional flashback) whilst cooking - mainly because my partner asked a question about why I was adding an extra ingredient to something - and a 'fight part' within me leapt on him and reacted strongly - feeling as if he had massively criticised a little vulnerable part - I feel sure that is what happened.  Also, the critical voice that I expressed to him, was very defensive and 'cutting' - and I realised it was mimicking how my NM would have criticised me when I was little and would have done something she didn't consider to be appropriate at the time.  So I was able to see how this had repeated itself, by my 'fight' part or 'protector' part mimicking behaviour he/she had learned from seeing my NM and repeating it. 

I talked about this whole scenario later - and apologised to my partner for my curt and horrible comment - and explained what I thought had happened, and he was very understanding about it.  He could 'get it' and I was grateful that he did, and that he didn't think I was being 'over the top' in my need to explain  - but I felt quite shocked by the strength of how that all happened in such a short space of time, and I wondered why my 'fight part' was so close to the surface to react as it did - but I had been reading Janina's book, and I think other memories had been stirred for my 'parts' and so maybe they were more active than normal.

There was also a section in the book where it talked about the complications of working with a therapist doing some of the parts work - in that a therapist might collude with a particular fragmented part - and it could get out of hand in that way - and it spoke about how therapists should be careful not to do too much or too little to support the client - especially as they'd be on holiday or away and out of view for much of the client's time, and that essentially the therapist needed to encourage the client to do much of the work themselves - and that reassured me that I can do this work by myself - because hopefully I can learn to protect and support all the fragmented parts - and not rely on working with a therapist to do that.  I realise I've not worded that very well - and I hope it doesn't come across as sounding arrogant, but I've read a lot about people's experiences with therapists, and I also recognise that there aren't many therapists trained to work specifically with people with C-PTSD - and therefore to try to get a 'good enough' therapist - sounds like a mine-field. 

I know I have a therapist I could see (privately) if I need to - I've looked at my finances and worked out I could afford to - which I wasn't sure about before - and knowing that if I get into difficulty and feel I need support - I will contact to seek therapy again - but in the meantime, I do feel that I'm pacing myself, using grounding techniques and also I'm lucky to have an extremely supportive partner - and some good friends too - so I am lucky.

I feel like I've got a framework now that I can work within, and I feel like I'm making some progress - I am glad to be able to write so positively today - I feel stronger.  I hope this will last, and I suspect I'll have plenty of ups and downs - but overall - the path seems like it's one I can tread and find light and positivity along the path.

I think I may be avoiding some of the darker recesses - but I am beginning to look at those too - and get in touch with many emotions and feelings, and recognising different parts of myself that were silenced before. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 9th June 2018 - Possible trigger warnings ***** as what I'm writing about triggers me - so may trigger others.
Yesterday felt more like a 'roller-coaster' of emotions again - but probably because I was delving into things emotionally - and somehow feeling braver earlier in the day, meant I had strength to write about a few things, and I also started a book that Ah recommended called 'Stalking the Soul' which is about Emotional Abuse. 

When I was reading it, I suddenly felt flooded with some very strong emotions - it was describing examples of people's relationships and examples of emotional abuse, and whilst I was reading, I was feeling over-whelmed with such strong emotions - and also a physical feeling of nausea - really strong.  I'm not used to that feeling - it was sooooo strong.  It shocked me.

As I read, I was thinking of examples from my FOO - and how my parents would exhibit such tension between them, and also often some very vocal stuff - such as screaming and shouting and attempts to control each other - and also more subtle and sinister behaviours which were hard to pinpoint, but which you could feel at a non-verbal level - insidious.  Yuk.

Today I was talking to my partner about how my M never supported me during some difficult times when I was an adult - how most M's would have rushed to be with their daughter to help out in such a scenario, but how she never came to offer any help or support - at those times.  Infact during our estrangement when we were VLC (very low contact) she actually accused me of 'crying on the phone all the time' - as if it was a real inconvenience for her to have to listen to me when I was upset.  You know, it was so rare that I ever cried infront of her - and it was only because I was in such a desperate state when I was crying over the phone - and yet she couldn't be there for me, she wasn't capable of showing me maternal care and support.  I had always been the parentified child, looking after her needs and my F's. 

My partner told me that he thinks that my M just 'doesn't care about you' - and that's a very hard thing to realise - because I still keep holding onto thinking that some displays of 'gift-giving' or other stuff would show that she loved me - but actually it was always about controlling me.  Making me do what she wanted me to do, and manipulating me to fit in with her needs.

These are very hard and tough realisations for me.  I like to think that there is good in people - even those who show negative traits - and I know that my sister actually believes that our parents are 'evil' - she really believes that. 

I don't believe they are evil - I think they are affected by their own issues - and that it's a generational thing passed down, and affecting so many - but I wonder why it is that my FOO don't seem to look at their own behaviour and don't seem to think they have ever done anything wrong.   It's like they put it all on me - and think I am the one with the problems.

Yes, I do have problems, but I am trying to live my life in a positive way - I try to be kind to other people and look for the best in people - I am protective of my boundaries - because I do have the thought that essentially I need to protect myself.  I feel some sense of co-dependency on my partner, but I believe that isn't a negative thing - I really think that we both care for each other and depend on each other for different things - and I think that's ok.  I might not understand the term 'co-dependency' properly, as I know that it can have negative connotations, but I think I've been lucky to find someone who truely does love me and doesn't want to control me.

Whilst I was reading that book 'Stalking the Soul' - I began to feel over-whelmed, and thought that I needed to see a therapist - because I felt like I wasn't coping - but thankfully those feelings passed, and today I feel more stable and calm.

I think I need to start to do some diagrams to look at the behaviour of my parents, and how they interacted with each other, and also in relation to my part in the family, and then that of my sister.  I think it would be helpful to look at the things I've learned happened at different points in my childhood - which I can fill in thanks to my sister's recall of events - and also my own.  I realise my sister has different perceptions of things - and that is to do with her having different experiences - but I also wonder if she experienced the 'eraser' part that I relate to - i.e. that it made her blind to some aspects - just as my 'eraser' part stopped me from seeing and feeling certain things - probably to protect me.  She has ended up creating a very different 'world' around herself - with many unusual beliefs - and I can see why she's gravitated to such a world - as it was a way for her to cope.  I don't judge her for it, but I know that her strength of belief in those things has prevented us from having an enduring relationship - we are estranged again ourselves. 

And so estrangement is endemic amongst our family - across several generations - I can see how it happens. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope,

My partner told me that he thinks that my M just 'doesn't care about you' - and that's a very hard thing to realise - because I still keep holding onto thinking that some displays of 'gift-giving' or other stuff would show that she loved me - but actually it was always about controlling me. 

Wow that is a sad realization.  I care for little Hope and big Hope too.  The mama in me really cares for you and I wish I could give little Hope some of the care she deserved.    Much love to to you sweetie.  If my little one had a tummy ache I would cuddle him and give him some peppermint.
Take care,
Deep Blue

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue, Thank you so much for your very lovely reply and for the hugs for Little Hope and Adult Hope - they are much appreciated - and  to you too.

****
Journal Entry for 11th June 2018

I've finished the book called 'Stalking the Soul' that Ah recommended - and it was a very very good book - although I was incredibly triggered by some of the chapters.  But it was an 'eye-opener' to me and validated so many of my personal experiences - I can see that my FOO continually used 'emotional abuse' throughout my childhood and through much of my adulthood too - and would have continued to do so, if I'd still been in contact - so I am glad I was able to break-free.  Also, I can see that in many ways I was an 'ideal victim' for them. 

Anyway, reading that book made me feel quite shocked about how much I've been abused emotionally - and how I couldn't see that for so long.  I still don't acknowledge the reality of it, and I still try to make excuses for them - but I am going to hopefully work on re-assessing some of my memories and experiences and re-framing them, in the new knowledge I've gleaned from that book - because I think it will be helpful to re-process in that way.  I know it won't be easy though, as it caused me to feel very over-whelmed on occasions in the past days - but right now - I feel stronger - and I hope to hold onto that feeling and utilise it.  I am keen to pace myself though - and maybe just 'sit with' these new realisations for a while, and allow them to be processed.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 12th June 2018
I had a weird experience yesterday - it was as if I contacted a wounded/fragmented part of myself that had been 'in limbo' - i.e. completely unconnected to me for many many years, but which held some memories that were recognisable to me.  I realised that that particular part was feeling extremely depressed and withdrawn, and actually believed that she hadn't finished something that had involved a lot of work - and felt really devastated about that, and also felt as if she needed to take some medication, but had forgotten her tablets.  I find this quite incredible, to think that it came to me like a massive flashback - and realisation that actually that part of me didn't realise that a) the thing she feared was unfinished 'had' infact been finished, and b) she didn't need to take any medication! 

I know this must seem a strange thing to be writing about, but it's what happened, and it feels like a massive realisation to me.  It's been very potent in giving me more 'hope' - I realise it is possible to connect to the wounded/fragmented parts - although at the same time, I realise it's a challenging ongoing process - and I mustn't get complacent about it.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

That's some really good work Hope.  Do you feel you were able to help that wounded part? You are doing a great job and I don't think you are complacent.  Sending you much l love 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Thanks for your reply - and I tried to help that wounded part by telling her 'Yes, you did finish it' and I repeated it several times and hugged my body as I did so - to try to communicate it to her, and I also told her - 'You don't need to take medication anymore' - to reassure her of that as well.  So I hope that she heard me - as I tried to convey those things and share that realisation.

Sending you love also, and thank you for your validating and helpful comments and support.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Actually it doesn't sound that strange to me Hope, as in don't worry, you're not going crazy. I learnt in Inner Child work that before the ICs get reintegrated they often don't know that time has moved on and that there's an Adult in charge now who has lived through all those dangerous, scary things, come out the other end and can defend herself much better than the 4 year old or 12 year old or whatever. This being 'in limbo' sounds to me as if it could be similar.