Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, SaB, and Deep Blue - thank you all for the kind things you wrote, and sending you all a hug, if that's ok 

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Journal Entry on 24th April 2019

***Tw - Mentioning uncomfortable feelings around body proximity contact, but nothing graphic mentioned**
Firstly,  would like to recall and write about the dream I had last night, because it made me think that I was getting in touch with a young part of myself - probably from my teenage and early 20's kind of age - I was in the dream and I was going to work in a retail job somewhere - and attended an interview where they then insisted that I got on a bus to be taken to a far-away place for further training.  There were large queues at that destination, and I remember feeling very uncomfortable, and then I was in a queue where people were very close - body to body contact, and there were older men and one of them was beginning to touch me and hold me close to his body, and I felt very uncomfortable and unable to do anything about it. 

This dream, when I woke, made me think of how my F had tended to inappropriately touch me when I was a teenager and also in my early 20's - and how I had tried to stop him in various ways, but how some experiences with older men when I was a young adult, they were such that I felt unable to stop inappropriate kind of contact/touch.  I just feel horrible about this when I think about it - because I should have asserted my boundaries more - and not ended up putting up with things.  There are memories that I have where I think that I did fight and resist things, but yet I wonder if I really did that, because I think that I most likely went into a freeze/dissociated kind of reaction, and 'put up' with stuff. 

I remember a friend telling me once in my early 20's that she thought I flirted a lot with older men - I wasn't aware of that.  But when I think of it now I think that maybe I was trying to be someone who pleased other people, and who became what they wanted me to be.  I felt malleable and not in my right sense about my boundaries.  I don't think my boundaries were good.


I have been re-reading Pete Walker's book 'From Surviving to Thriving' and I am beginning to realise that I probably need to work more on reducing my inner critic, because I have been trying to be compassionate towards that part of myself, and essentially that has worked to a degree, but at the same time, I also noticed that I became more triggered and had more flashbacks - and it was almost as if the inner critic and the outer critics 'woke up' and started having a go - and I need to try to challenge them, and basically tell them I don't need that kind of behaviour - because the people in my life in the current time are supportive and loving people, and the people who hurt me in the past are a long way away and can't hurt me now.  Only if I let them enter my mind, and I try not to do that.


For some reason, this time reading Pete Walker's book made more sense than it has done previously - and I think I am beginning to get it more than I did at first.  I'm not sure how long this will last, because the clarity I felt was clearer than normal, and I know it could disappear again.  But I'll try to hold onto it.

Also, I have noticed that my part that 'rubs things out' has ended up rubbing out some memories of my earliest sexual relationships - with partners - and I'm surprised, because normally I think I can remember such things well - but now I have lost details and I can't remember what happened.  I can now believe that the brain can truely protect someone by literally erasing memories - but I suspect they remain dormant somewhere, so I think I could similarly bring back details too - but I'm trying to be careful and pace myself and only do what I can cope with.  I think I'm getting that balance reasonably ok. 

I am relieved that the weekend is over, as it felt daunting in many ways, but I did get through it ok.  Back to work again now, and it's going ok so far.  I have been a bit stuck on a work project, but I have discussed it with someone - and she was helpful and encouraging, and I think I can get myself unstuck and I'll try again tomorrow to make progress.


Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 28th April 2019

This week has been quite emotional in many ways - and I think it's because I'm 'feeling more' - and that is something that I'm finding quite hard to cope with, but at the same time, I am finding that each phase that I experience is strengthening.  I am reminded of what Deep Blue was saying in her journal - as she also spoke of feeling strengthened - so maybe that has resonated with me - but I do feel it.

Yesterday I was able to do more things at home, and managed to get more things done than I would normally - and I felt good about it. 

I've re-read all of Pete Walker's book now - the Surviving to Thriving one - and I felt like it made more sense to me this time than it ever has.  The first time I read it - it was painful, as it struck so many chords that were bitter for me, but each time I re-read it, I am beginning to really relate to Pete's experiences, and I feel like I empathise with him.  He describes many things that I have felt - and I am learning more about myself.

Whilst I am writing this today - I am feeling a sense of frustration, because I felt like I had quite a few 'realizations' that had come to mind - and that I wanted to list here today - but somehow I can't remember what they were!  This is really frustrating.  I have taken notes though, in my 'Trauma Journal' (which is a hand-written book where I write down things).  I may pop back later, and share some of them here.

I am still considering what to call my new Journal, and make the leap to starting it - I've just got Pete's book to hand, and looked, and now realise I've not quite finished reading it - I'm at p.286, at the part entitled "Rescuing the Survivor from the Critic" - and actually I feel like that is a key subject that I need to focus on, as I've made this realization for sure:

Realization: I need to shrink the Critic, especially the one that is the proxy of my parents - because she is constantly acting in a way that isn't helpful, and I need to work on reducing that behaviour, and developing a kinder and more reality based appraisal of situations.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Had to come back, as a paragraph in Pete Walker's book has just struck me as extra significant
p.286
"A key place to practice healthy rescuing is in the realm of the critic.  I believe there is an unmet childhood need for rescue that I help meet when I "save" my client from the critic, the proxy of her parents.  This is the need no one met.  The child was not rescued from her traumatizing parent.  This was terrible neglect on the part of the other parent, the relatives, the neighbours or teachers who ignored the signs that she was withering from being abused."

He goes on to say
"Decades of trauma work have taken me to a place where my heart no longer allows me to be silent when someone's inner critic is on the attack.  Silence, in my mind, is equivalent to tacit approval.  I can no longer sit quietly and not intervene when survivors abuse themselves with their parents' internalized voice."

This is really helpful to me. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks for quoting that. I see now that that's what my T points out to me. He is doing some re-parenting there. I'm glad the quotation is helpful to you too Hope.

I think also here on the forum that some members do a bit of negating the ICr. for other members when they don't notice that is what's going on. You, Hope, spread a lot of compassion around. Much appreciated!

I've read posts of yours recently and thought how much progress you're making. So now I'm finally telling you. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear Hope, I just want to quickly say that inner critic, inner child, self compassion and managing flashbacks is probably where my own focus is going to be for the forseeable future, and I just want to offer you my moral support on that. 

SaB

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry - Yes that quotation was extremely helpful to me, and I'm glad it's helped you also.  I very much appreciate you letting me know that you see some progress in my posts - I do feel it as well - and it's good to hear.  Thank you 

Hi SaB - I appreciate you offering your moral support on the process of doing the inner critic, inner child, self compassion and managing flashbacks - I hope that we both will negotiate these things - and get through them stronger.  Moral support is amazing - thank you 

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Journal Entry on 1st May 2019

I received a reply from the Social Services department today - and a pdf document of excerpts from their notes that the Social worker made back in the 1970's - amazing to think they kept their notes from that far back, and I've found it very emotional to read them.  I guess it makes it more 'real' that Social Services were involved with my family - because sometimes I doubt things - even though at another level, I know they are real.  But seeing it in black and white like that - it brings it more to reality.

I shared the contents with my partner, although I couldn't read them out loud to him, as I just couldn't speak the words - I felt really upset - but it felt like younger parts of me were upset. 

I can't really say more about it now, but the emotion has calmed - at least for now - and I am glad that I did enquire about this, and I am still processing the contents that I read there. 

A long weekend is coming up - another Bank holiday weekend - I feel as if I need that extra time. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy, Thank you so much - that is so supportive, and I appreciate your comment very much.  I am being extra kind to myself and my Little Ones.  Reading the file results from Social Services has been more emotional than I realised it would be.  But I am processing things, and I am ok.
to you.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

I guess it makes it more 'real' that Social Services were involved with my family - because sometimes I doubt things - even though at another level, I know they are real.  But seeing it in black and white like that - it brings it more to reality.

I shared the contents with my partner, although I couldn't read them out loud to him, as I just couldn't speak the words - I felt really upset - but it felt like younger parts of me were upset. 

I can't really say more about it now, but the emotion has calmed - at least for now - and I am glad that I did enquire about this, and I am still processing the contents that I read there. 

I understand the doubting. Last weekend I received some "confirmation," not in writing, but some things that my sisters said. I also am still reeling and processing. Even though difficult, I'm glad you received confirmation. Please treat yourself with care and kindness. 

[Three Roses]

Sending a compassionate your way as you begin to process that info contained in their report.

[Jdog]

Ditto what 3R said, from me, Hope.  You are precious and likely feeling pretty raw.  Be gentle with all of your selves.

[Blueberry]

Ditto what Jdog said from me    for you and your little ones.

I understand doubting though knowing.

I can remember not being able to say words, or being able to speak but only in a whisper when it was about difficult things from the past. That sounds like you not being able to read out loud to your partner. I'm glad you could share another way with him as he seems supportive.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone - Thank you so much for your kind words, and I hope that you are ok after receiving the things that your sister said.  I agree with you that extra information is something that really can make us reel as we try to process it.  I have felt this week has been much harder, as a result of the extra information.  I am still trying to process it - at so many levels.  Thank you. 

Hi Three Roses - I appreciate your compassionate hug very much - thank you 

Hi Jdog - Yes, I have felt quite raw - that is a good description which I relate to - and I am being gentle with myself and all my selves this week.  I am glad to have the weekend - and the fact it's a longer weekend thanks to the Bank Holiday.  I am relieved.   

Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much and sending you a hug too - I really appreciate the support.     I also appreciated hearing you say that you understand 'douting though knowing' because this is a familiar feeling for me.    Yes, I wasn't able to read out loud to my partner, but I was able to hand the paper to him, and he read it out loud instead, and it was helpful that he did that.   

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Journal Entry on 4th May 2019
I am relieved that the weekend is here - I feel like I really need time and space - and yet somehow the day has gone past so quickly - we had unexpected visitors this morning and also quite a few things to do related to household kind of stuff - and there are some social things I feel I have to do tomorrow as well - I think I'm feeling a bit over-whelmed still - but I'm doing ok. 

I have been considering talking about the Social work reports with a good friend of mine - so I think I will think about the best way to approach that - and whether to do that.  But I think it would help to hear the perspective of my friend, and see what she thinks.

In many ways seeing things written down, by Social Workers from the past, it opens up more questions - and I don't think they can be answered - as I haven't got anyone reliable from that time to ask - and of course, no one from that time was ever truthful to me, or open with me.  So I need to proceed carefully regarding how best to process and proceed.   But I am glad that I sought out the information, as it has helped me.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

seeing things in black and white also makes it more real for me, erases the doubt, and has a bigger impact, it seems, than when it's just in my head.  do you think there might be some grieving involved w/ this 'seeing' of your past? 

i'm glad you have some time and space for processing.  i think this kind of thing is huge.  i'm not surprised that your little ones feel agitated - it's a big deal for them to see their beliefs validated.  at least, that's what comes to my mind.  i can picture them.    to all of you.  sending love.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, I appreciate your reply so much, thank you.  I think you're right about there being some grieving involved - as I have certainly felt quite a few feelings and reactions to processing the notes I read from the Social Worker's report.    to you, SanMagic.

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Journal Entry on 6th May 2019
I've found it really hard to process everything that has come up for me this week - I have felt over-whelmed and I know I've been in a few EF's over the past few days.  However, I feel like I can notice these more, and that I'm more aware of when I'm in an EF, as compared with something else, and I'm less worried or concerned about them, as I know that they do pass after some time - and I'm trying to focus on sticking with the emotions and feeling them, as opposed to dissociating and reacting to them. 

A few friends have contacted me recently with issues that they have - personal things that they are finding hard to cope with, and I've tried to be there for them.  I have noticed that I've not shared any of my own things - or said what has happened for me, in terms of finding out the new information - but I just don't know whether I want to go there or not.  Some of my friends know more than others - I have been more open about things.  But I feel hesitant and also I don't want to encroach on their time, as they are going through their own things.  But I am mindful that a friendship goes both ways, and I've probably been far too 'people-pleasing' in the past - in that I've tried to be certain ways to my friends, and have often then neglected my own things. 

I feel like I want to write a 'letter to' the Social worker - in the other part of the forum where I could express some things I'd like to say to her - even though I know she might not even be alive now - or might be very elderly now.  In anycase, I wouldn't be able to discuss things with her, or know what went through her mind when she came to visit my family - and made the conclusions she made.  I wish I could have spoken to her about things, and told her how I was feeling.  I think she purely observed me, rather than spoke with me.  But of course I don't know. 

I feel as if I've lost my way a bit, in terms of not reading anything in the self-help arena at the moment.  It's as if I felt over-whelmed and then part of me told me to shut all the books and put them aside, and now I don't know where to focus or what to concentrate on.  Maybe that's ok.  Some time to just process what I have already read, and think about things.

I've got through the weekend - and there were some social things that I would rather not have had to face, but I was able to - and it was ok. 

I feel as if I've let down some of my 'parts' because I intended to do a regular Meditation Circle kind of procedure, and ensure they had chance to come and communicate with me, and I've not managed to do that.  It's like I've let them down.  I feel bad about it.

But it's been hard.  I feel very emotional as I've said that, which is unusual for me to feel that so immediately - I normally have to re-read things to feel the emotion - but somehow it's just whooshed into my mind. 

I was reading my Trauma diary today - where I keep notes of my issues and diagrams and time lines, and I felt pain in my head and my temples as I read things - which indicated to me that there were parts of me that were upset and communicating with me whilst I read those things. 

Having some Social work notes, and seeing them in black and white, it's made me feel some anger towards my FOO - how could they pretend nothing happened - how could they be complacent and just think that it didn't matter?  It mattered.  It was my life.  I guess they were trying to cope with things - in their own ways, but noone seemed to be looking out for me.  I desperately tried to be whatever they all wanted me to be, and split myself off into so many fragmented parts in the process of that - yes, I've survived it - I've got through, and I guess I might be stronger for it, but I also feel that I wasn't able to give myself what I truely needed - which was unconditional love.  Care and attention.  I need to focus on providing those things now for my younger selves. 

I think I'll call my new Journal 'Continuing to Befriend My Parts' because it's a process that I need to work further on.  I'll leave that as a potential name, and if I feel ok about it later in the week, then I'll start a new Journal with that name.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  You're going through so much, processing so much atm. When I was working more with ICs than I am now I used to feel bad when I neglected them a bit, till I realised that it's not like neglecting real children, the way most of us on here were neglected in childhood. So please be gentle on your Adult self if you don't do your Meditation Circle just because there's so much other stuff going on.

"But I am mindful that a friendship goes both ways, and I've probably been far too 'people-pleasing' in the past - in that I've tried to be certain ways to my friends, and have often then neglected my own things." This sounds very familiar. In the case of 2 friends where I neglected myself too much and was there more for them - well, they aren't my friends anymore. When I finally realised how things were and spoke up about it, I guess they were so used to dumping on me that they didn't see anything wrong with continuing and they certainly weren't expecting me to stand up for myself. I hope you get to keep your friends, but only if it's good for you.

It sounds like real progress that you're feeling some anger towards FOO!