Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

Started by Hope67, May 12, 2018, 06:46:09 PM

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Three Roses

 :hug: I have no words atm, really tired, but want you to know I think you're brave and insightful.

Not Alone

I'm too out of it to write any sensible words, but do want to send you a hug.  :hug:

Hope67

Hi Blueberry -  :hug: Thank you.  I really appreciated what you said about the ICs work and also what you said about friendships too.  Plus, yes, I felt some anger towards FOO - and I do think that was a step forward. 

Hi Three Roses and Notalone - thank you both  :hug: :hug:

*******
Journal Entry on 7th May 2019
I am feeling a bit better today - calmer and actually happier.  It almost feels as if I've been down in the valleys and troughs and come up to smell some mountain air - and feel some purity of thought somehow.  Like being in an oasis of calm.  I quite like that feeling.  I hope it stays with me for a while.
I don't really understand where it has come from, but I'm enjoying it.
Hope  :)

Hope67

Quote from: ah on August 05, 2018, 08:24:41 PM
For example, I might do this: take a few moments to breathe and try to be in my body (instead of my usual habit of dissociating all the time); then I gently and cautiously go through a specific memory, then I also go through what I'm feeling when I remember that memory (I might give the feelings names: I now feel sad, angry, shocked, disgusted, whatever it may be), and I might add more things like trying to imagine the same thing happening to someone else which helps me feel compassion. I can't feel compassion for myself, but when I imagine the same memory in someone else's life quite often it helps me turn the really heavy sadness, for example, into something softer that's less painful.

Or I might go through the memory and then imagine the people who were in it are sitting next to me now and I talk to them. Calmly, as the person I am today, I tell them what I think about what they did and the impact it had on me.


I hope it's ok to quote what 'ah' said here in my own journal, it's just that it looks really helpful as a strategy, and I wanted to remember what Ah had said.

Hope

Hope67

I need to write about what has just been happening, because I really thought I was feeling calm, but I realise that what happened was that I had watched a video about Cults and somehow had floated off into some dissociative thoughts, which I then interpreted as feeling calm and pleasant like breathing mountain air - but actually I think it was more like I'd dissociated into a pleasant but unreal place. 

Then I felt lot of pressure building - and feeling tension over time.  I came back to the forum, and I found the quote that 'Ah' had said, and I thought it will be helpful for me - to try doing that process sometime - not now though.  I realise I am not particularly stable in my thoughts and feelings today.  I thought I was ok.  But I am feeling quite up and down really. 

I have some time coming up where I know there will be some triggering events - and I fear that I'll feel abandoned - even though I won't actually be abandoned, I know my younger parts and ICs will be fearful, and I am not entirely sure I can help them to feel contained.  So the Adult self in me is worried about that. 

I feel tension in my throat area - and I've also noticed many more body feelings in the past few days - it's like my body is waking up and reacting to things.  I don't usually feel things so prominently - but I am feeling them, and it's painful.  It's like my body has been taken over really - although I know it hasn't. 


***TW - Mentioning things that are triggering, but not graphic

When I've been watching TV programmes, I've noticed that my ICs are focusing on small details like wall-paper again - and the things I've been watching have been a bit retro and some of the wall-papers have been ones I've seen during my childhood, which then interests the ICs even more.  I feel sure I used to dissociate into wall-paper patterns in the past - that makes sense to me, and I relate to it.  I also used to focus on floaters in my eyes when a very young child.  It was like I could see them and they took on patterns especially with sunshine behind them. 

I feel as if my ICs want me to write more about their experiences, but at the same time, I don't feel that I can.  I'm not sure I could cope.  I feel an immense pressure inside.  Like something wants to come out.  This makes me feel very emotional - I think I could cry.  I don't want to cry at the moment though - my partner will be here soon, and I don't want to be upset infront of him today. 

Now my stomach hurts - this is definitely impacting on my body. 

I know I will be ok, but this is very intense. 

Hope  :)

Not Alone

Hope,
You have so much going on with the adult you trying to cope and concerned about things coming up, your body feeling things intensely, ICs wanting to talk about their experiences. I also understand about the focus on the wallpaper pattern. Just want you to know that you are heard. I know it is really hard.  :hug:

MoonBeam

Hope, I'm thinking of you.

I completely understand and it can be sooo overwhelming. It is empowering to read your words "I know I will be ok." It is intense. It's hard, scary work, figuring this all out and letting it pass through. It sounds like you are staying conscious of what you are experiencing, even through dissociation, acknowledging what you are experiencing and how you feel about it. To me, that makes you so brave and strong.  :hug:

Deep Blue

My dear sweet Hope,
I did the same as a kid.  I dissociated both with the pattern on the couch... and by using paint drips on the wall (no wall paper)

So may I just offer a safe  :hug: to you and let you know I've been there sweetie. Let's sit together on this k?

Hope67

Hi Notalone, MoonBeam and Deep Blue,
I feel emotional reading your replies, and thank you.   :hug: :hug: :hug:  That is a heartfelt hug for each of you, if that's ok.  I really appreciate what you each said, and it means a lot.
I can't say much more than that right now, but I am so grateful for this place and the support here. 
Hope  :)

Three Roses

Belatedly I'd like to express my support...  :hug: to you and your Littles.

SharpAndBlunt

Hi Hope just want to send a quick  :hug: if that is OK

SaB

Jdog

Hope-

I also recall staring at wallpaper patterns - and trust me, they were not lovely, just busy and that orange color so favored in the 1970's.  I remember images of coffee pots and spoons in the kitchen.  You are not alone, Hope.  I am standing with you as you encounter memories that may be triggering. :hug:

Hope67

Hi Three Roses, SaB, & Jdog - thank you all so much  :hug: :hug: :hug:  I really appreciate your support. 

**********
Journal Entry on 12th May 2019
I have been struggling a bit this last few days - and today I have ended up bingeing to numb my feelings - I feel sick as I write this, because I have literally over-eaten so much.  I feel bad about it but at the same time, I recognise this as something I used to do a lot - when I was in my 30's, and it's something I had got under control more as I grew older.  But today - I just reverted to doing it - and I am determined to try to do better over the next few days.  My partner is away at the moment, so I haven't got anyone around to stop me from overeating - I do need to stop myself.  I've decided I won't eat any more for the remainder of the day. 

I had a dream last night - where I was clearing out a massive place where there was lots of belongings and limited time to move - this is a recurrent theme for me, but this time, I seemed to make more progress, and actually ended up cleaning up some horrific things - festering things that shocked me - and I managed to clean them.  But there was one room where it seemed very polluted, and I struggled to breathe in there, and infact thought I was going to die - but somehow I managed to get out of that room and made it back to safety.  I think I woke up around that time, and felt such relief. 

I have been processing more things over the weekend, and due to having space to myself and not having my partner around - it's meant I can watch films that I wouldn't normally watch - some emotional ones - and I was able to cry and it felt cathartic.  I could really let my feelings out - they weren't really related to the content of the films, I felt an outpouring of emotion and grief relating to my FOO and realising that the whole situation isn't a good one.

I also watched a few U-tube videos and in particular one by Bradshaw about healing wounds - he did an exercise with the audience where he suggested the wounded child returned to the house they lived in when small and that a safe rescuer took their hand and lead them out of that house and towards people who truly cared and wanted the child, and so I imagined that along with the others in the audience, and kept my eyes closed and listened to his words, and imagined it - and found myself again in floods of tears, but it felt positive.

Anyway, I feel exhausted now - and my partner will be back late tonight - so I hope that I can sleep a while before I see him.  I also had to do something social too - which felt overwhelming, but I managed to cope with it.  So it's been ok.

But I wish I hadn't eaten so much - I feel very greedy and over-full.  I am going to sleep now.

I have also written to one of my friends about the Social work stuff - and my feelings about it - which felt like a safe way to communicate - and I will hope to hear what she thinks about it.  I trust her judgement, and I am glad I shared it with her.

Hope  :)

Deep Blue

Try not to beat yourself up Hope,
These things happen. Be gentle with yourself. 

Sending you support  :hug:

Three Roses

I really love John Bradshaw! His work is still relevant. I credit him with a large measure of the healing I managed to attain as a young mother.