Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

Started by Hope67, May 12, 2018, 06:46:09 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Hope67

Hi BeHea1thy - thank you  :hug:

Hi MoonBeam - thank you so much, and I appreciate your description of my Adult side being powerful, brave, compassionate and strong - I would certainly like her to have those characteristics - and maybe at times I can feel them.  I am glad the weekend is here.   I also appreciate the hug, thank you  :hug:

Hi Jdog - thank you  :hug:

***********
Journal Entry on 25th May 2019
I am relieved that the weekend is here - and so far it's been ok. 
Interesting that as I sit to write this - I find that I can't put my words into a coherent order - I think I'll come back later - when I can.  Didn't realise it would be like that - I was feeling ok when I came here to write - but now it's like my mind is going blank.
I'm feeling ok though - I feel quite calm.
I'll come back later.
Hope  :)

Three Roses

Sending supportive vibes your way!  :hug:

Hope67


Hope67

Journal entry on 26th May 2019
I have finished another Self-help book - this one was called 'Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns: A Schema-Therapy Self-Help and Support Book' and it was by Bruce A. Stevens & Eckhard Roediger (2017).  What I liked about it is that it's very up to date, and I related to Schema therapy and the terms used.   Some of the interventions - limited reparenting, imagery rescripting and behavioural pattern breaking seemed relevant to me. 

As I read the book through, I had many 'a-ha' moments - and I made lots of notes about it in my paper journal.  I think I'd like to take the schema questionnaire to see what my own personal schemas are - because I already recognised some of them, as I read examples, but maybe taking the questionnaire will help more - but at the same time I am slightly reluctant - because if I was that keen, I would have just taken it.  So something has held me back - part of me is resistant I think.

I've been dreaming more frequently this past few days - but I've not written down the dreams, and now I've lost their content.  So again, maybe I am resistant still to 'looking at things' - but there is also part of me that is keen to 'look at things' - so contradictions.

I've been noticing repeating patterns - and especially some issues in my work - and how I relate to people - and I feel a sense of some shame about talking about work situations - hence I don't tend to do so.

Because there's been so much secrecy in my past - and people haven't talked about things, it makes me so much more guarded about opening up about certain things - yet I know I've opened up so much here in this forum - about many things.  So I can see that I am improving in my ability to open up and I have felt safe to do so. 

But I remain guarded and hyper vigilant too.

Regarding my parts, there is a part of me that is beginning to share more memories and flashbacks - and I think she is about 8 years old.  I am feeling uncomfortable about what she is trying to tell me, but trying to remain open to hearing things from her, so I'm balancing my own needs and her needs, but it feels quite fragile.  So I'm trying to be very careful and just pace myself.

I am managing to eat better - I had been bingeing, and particularly when my partner was away - I didn't cope very well on the food side of things. 

A realization that I've made is that I tend to read Self-help books - often voraciously, and then my memory shuts down, or compartmentalises it off, so I can't 'see' it anymore - although at the time that I read them, I get so many 'a-ha' moments - but it's pretty much intellectualising rather than experientially 'feeling something' - although I am making progress in 'feeling' - and that has been painful, because I really feel the depth of the abandonment melage (I think that's the right word, but not sure) - but I have felt it deeply and it is very painful.   But it doesn't frighten me - I am tolerating it.  So I think that is progress.

I will try to write about the 'Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns' book in another part of the forum - hopefully sometime soon, but for some reason I am reluctant to open it up again today - I think I need to focus on something relaxing and enjoy the weekend - it's a long weekend here - due to a Bank Holiday - and I want to spend some time with my partner and do some nice things together.  So that's my plan, but I wanted to write here - and just catch up with myself a bit - so I can remember things I've been doing and thinking.

Hope  :)

Three Roses

QuoteA realization that I've made is that I tend to read Self-help books - often voraciously, and then my memory shuts down, or compartmentalises it off, so I can't 'see' it anymore -

This is me, too. Retention sends to improve if I not only read, but also write down the things that occur to me (handwritten - typing does not seem to help) and say them aloud, if it's possible to speak them.

Jdog

Hope-

Quite a process you describe here.  I am moved to remind you that your guardedness served a very good purpose for a very long time.  Try to honor that part, too.


Hope67

Hi Three Roses - I appreciated hearing that you write things down in a handwritten way and also say them aloud - it sounds like a good strategy - I will try it - I have tended to purely make hand-written notes in my hand-written journal - and occasionally I share some of the notes with my partner - then speaking them aloud - and I have noticed that when I try to speak them aloud, or talk about them that way - that it often brings up very strong emotions - so maybe I should try to do this when alone as well - and just speaking them aloud.  Something to consider - thank you.  :hug:

Hi Jdog - I am grateful to you for reminding me that my guardedness served a very good purpose for a very long time.  You are right, and I will try to honour that part too - because it is a part that has kept me safe - in many respects and it's looked out for me.  Trusting in my gut instinct is a way of thinking about this further - and I hope to do so.  Thank you  :hug:


Hi BeHea1thy - Yes, it was very nice to have the long weekend - I needed it and appreciated it.  I very much like your strategy that you described.  I think you are right when you say we can only tolerate just so much at one time - and pacing is so important - and I remember Three Roses words on that too - as she often has mentioned pacing.  So has SanMagic.  So have many others.  (Must stop obsessional desire to list everyone - but somehow I can't quite manage not to do that...) I can see that Jdog also feels the same way - in saying 'Yeah that' - you speak wisely.   Thank you.   :hug:

*********
Journal Entry on 29th May 2019
I feel ok at the moment - I think that I have been becoming more aware of things in the here and now, and also making sense of some things in the past as well.  I have been reading yet another book - as I'm in voracious reading phase currently, and the one I am reading now is called 'Gaslightling' - and it is very pertinent and accurately describes a lot of the behaviour of my FOO towards me, throughout my childhood and my adult life, and I have felt shocked and also validated by it.  I have also found an angry part of myself surfacing and actually 'feeling' the anger - which is unusual for me, but I am embracing it, because I see it as some progress to be able to do that. 

I also think that I've been able to observe my feelings and reactions to things - and put some labels on the feelings - which is something I've not tended to do previously - and I must admit to feeling some sense of excitement about these things. 

I am also beginning to tackle things that I had previously avoided - although these are very tiny steps forward, as essentially I've not actually achieved all that much.

I am coping ok with my work - there have been some issues that I was getting anxious about - but I think I am doing ok.  So today  - I feel as if it's quite a good day, and I feel ok.

My partner talked to me today about noticing that I've not had any sleep terrors or nightmares for quite some time, and he was remarking about how different that was for me, compared with the past - and I agreed.  I have been dreaming more this past few days, but can't remember the content of those dreams - just felt the sense that I was dreaming.

My plan for the remaining days of May is to write any remaining realisations that come to mind, as and when I think of them, and plan the focus for my next journal which I will start in June.  Today, I feel positive about June - I hope that feeling stays with me.
Hope  :)

MoonBeam

Hi Hope.  Thank you for sharing your positive insights. It's inspirational. So glad you are having a good day.  :)

Moon Beam

Not Alone

 :cheer: Being able to feel and embrace your anger.
  :cheer:   "I also think that I've been able to observe my feelings and reactions to things - and put some labels on the feelings - which is something I've not tended to do previously - and I must admit to feeling some sense of excitement about these things."

Hope, lots of insights and growth in just this one post. Thank you for sharing. Supporting you in your journey.  :hug:

Hope67

Hi MoonBeam, BeHea1thy and notalone,
Thank you all for your replies here, and I feel supported on my journey, thanks to the support of everyone here.  Thank you all  :grouphug:

********
Journal Entry on 1st June 2019
So today will be the day that hopefully I'll start my new Journal - so I will hope to use a bit of time to reflect and consider any remaining thoughts or realisations I want to write in this one, and then by the end of the day, or possibly in the evening, I will start the new diary - or at least will start it at some point over the weekend.  I don't want to limit myself by describing a deadline - that would stress me out. 
So, time for some reflection and I think writing in a free-flowing way later, will be hopefully beneficial and I can come to some conclusions and also a plan to go forward to the new Journal.  I feel positive about it today.  That's a good feeling.
Hope  :)

Hope67

Journal Entry on 2nd June 2019
I didn't get much done today - I wanted to do so much.  I think I was in an EF for part of the day - I know I was.  I feel bad that I didn't do the things I hoped to do - and it's June already.  My new Journal will start as soon as I can start it, and maybe the realisations that I want to write about can be part of that journal, once I start it.
I am a bit anxious and over stimulated today - it's like a feeling of angst that won't go away. 
I have no time now to write more - but it's my intention to be here more next week if I can, as I feel like I need to centre myself and this place will help me to do that. 
Hope  :)

Blueberry

 :hug: :hug: I'd like to pass on a spot of wisdom from my therapist: not to expect too much from oneself in an EF. I need to concentrate on this piece of wisdom today too.

Hope67

Hi Blueberry, thank you - your therapist has given you some wisdom there, and I have been trying to concentrate on that piece of wisdom - it was helpful to me when I read it yesterday - thank you  :hug:

**********
Journal Entry on 3rd June 2019
I have been attempting to cope with what I can only describe as a string of EF's - or maybe it's just one big one - I'm not sure.  I'm not coping very well at work as a consequence, and I had to leave early today - and I have a headache now - I'm not sure if I can actually face going in tomorrow and might have to phone in sick, but I'll see how it goes.  I've not done that for a considerable time - not in this new job. 

But I didn't sleep very well last night and I was processing so much stuff - so many thoughts in my head, and also feeling as if different parts of me were awakening and feeling such strong emotions and feelings.  My partner told me that I had screamed out in my sleep and also that at one point I had been sat bolt upright - and he wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep.  I told him that I think I was asleep, as I have no memory of sitting up straight in bed last night - I thought I was lying down the entire time. 

A friend of mine has written to me, in response to a letter e-mail I had sent her - and she was very supportive about the information I shared with her about my social services notes.  She told me she couldn't believe how controlled I had been as a child, and that she wondered if my reactions were out of fear.  She was right, I realise I was terrified of doing anything that would have caused any unrest or difficulty, and had been trying to be perfect somehow.  Such a heavy weight on a little child - such a heavy weight on me.

I am feeling upset as I write this.  I realise that my feelings are much more present, and that I'm not dissociating from them like I used to.  I guess this is what is meant by coming out of a fog or storm - or maybe it's just realising what's happened and the reality of it.


I am glad that my partner is out - and didn't realise I came back early today - because he would worry about me if he knew that.  I think he was worried anyway, about the disrupted sleep last night.  I think he was pleased that I'd had less night terrors and disturbances, but of course having a slight disruption last night, it probably makes him unsettled too.

I think that I constantly tend to over think things and worry about what people will think or how they're feeling, and that I feel bad for being self-preoccupied - so essentially I don't rest easily with all of that.    I hope to get an early night tonight, and hopefully sleep better.

It is helpful to write this here, as I do feel a bit calmer. 

Hope  :)

MoonBeam

Hope. Thank you for sharing. There's so much I want to respond to 'cause I've so been in the same place with the string of EF's and trying to be patient and kind with myself.  I'm at work though taking a quick moment to check in (not focusing on work), but wanted to send a gentle :hug: and tell you just how much I appreciate you and really resonate with what you shared.