Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

Started by Hope67, May 12, 2018, 06:46:09 PM

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Not Alone

Quote from: Hope67 on June 03, 2019, 04:26:32 PM
Such a heavy weight on a little child - such a heavy weight on me.
:'(  :hug: It is a heavy weight.
I hope you are able to get a good night's sleep.

Jdog

Hope-

May your struggles abate soon.   :hug:

Hope67

Hi MoonBeam - I did read something you wrote that reflected what I was feeling very accurately, so I recognise what you're saying here about being in the same place with the string of EF's - I wanted to write something in reply to you earlier, but I've been finding it difficult this past couple of days - but I've emerged at last, and whilst feeling shaken somehow, I am thankful to be here and writing this to you.   :hug:  I appreciate you too - and resonate with things you've shared - thank you.

Hi Notalone - I've just been reading your list of things you wrote about your year Anniversary of therapy - I also resonated with what you wrote - and I appreciate what you wrote here too - my sleep was finally better last night - I needed it.  I am grateful.   :hug:

Hi Jdog - thank you - the struggles have abated - I feel like I'm entering a calm after a storm.  Thank you for your hug, and sending one back to you too  :hug:

************
Journal Entry on 5th June 2019
I don't want to dwell too much on the past couple of days, but it didn't go very well, as I ended up in a very long string of EF's and felt very bad.  I was worried about my blood pressure - as my pulse was rising quite a lot, and I was getting body flashbacks/experiences, as well as feeling very anxious and agitated.  Possibly some paranoid kind of feelings too, because I realise now that I was taking things far out of perspective, and misconstrueing what people were saying to me at work, and I ended up reacting in a way that makes me feel ashamed, but I don't think people really judged me badly - it's my inner critic that has been giving me a hard time about it.
I ended up seeing my doctor - although I've not met my new doctor - I saw another one who was available.  I didn't share anything about C-PTSD (self-diagnosed) as I didn't think she'd understand, or maybe I just was scared to talk about it - not knowing what way that would go.  I did talk about having migraines, stress and I was tearful infront of her.  Thankfully she didn't reach for antidepressants or pills, she did sign me off work for the remainder of the week - and advised me to focus on relaxing things.  I am therefore going to try my best to relax.

I don't yet feel able to talk much about my experiences this couple of days - but I believe that parts of me were emerging in the process of processing some difficult thoughts and to acknowledging some anger and some realisation that events in my childhood weren't right, and I've been experiencing some flashbacks of memory - and not knowing if they are true or not.  But they are disturbing in their content.  I read Notalone's list and noticed that memory doesn't have to be exact, but it's about the meaning and value of the memory - and that is reassuring to me. 

** Want to remind myself to copy something Blueberry said in her diary as well - as she said it was ok to do that.  I know there was something MoonBeam had said that I also really related to.  I might ask MoonBeam if I can do that too.

I do remember a dream where I was in my FOO's house and desperately trying to pack things to leave without them finding me - and my partner was also there, and he was helping me.  I felt the fear of being discovered there, taking things from their house - things that are mine, but not wishing them to discover me and trap me there.  I think it's significant that my partner was with me in the dream, and was helping me - as that's very meaningful to me.

I also had been experiencing so many very raw feelings at night - very deep, very strong - and I was trying to move my eyes from left to right and back, as in eye movement de-sensitisation - I've not had any sessions in that, but I did do it with a video about weight loss once, and so I figured it would be ok to do it when experiencing my emotional stuff at night.  I don't know if that's why I've ended up having so many very strong body flashbacks and extra processing - or not.  I don't know.  I hope it's helping me.

I do feel calmer at this moment, but I've been worried for myself - hence going to see the doctor - as that scares me to do that - and I still haven't met my own doctor yet. 

I feel like I'm writing a lot and there's a feeling of pressure somehow - I don't feel calm - I feel pressured.  I recognise I need to relax and to wind down and I have time to do that.  I have some days ahead of me and the weekend, before I will hopefully go back to work, and I hope to be better by then, and more able to function properly again. 

I've been worried that I'm stressing my partner, but he's reassured me that he's ok, and he's just concerned that I get rest.
Hope  :)

Not Alone

Hope,

I feel for you, going through such a difficult time with memories and feelings. It is such a difficult place to be in. Glad that in your dream your partner was helping you. From other things you have posted it sounds like you feel safe and supported by him. Sending you lots of compassion during this time. Please do what will bring you comfort: tea, blanket, stuffed animal, a walk, etc.  :hug:

MoonBeam

Hi Hope. Sending you a gentle  :hug: if it's ok and wanting you to know I'm thinking of you.

I really feel your share and appreciate your thoughts on your recent experiences--the flashbacks and acknowledgment of anger and realizations, as parts of you emerging.

I'm so glad you have a supportive partner and you are doing things to take care of you even though it feels scary. I hope you get to see your doctor and all goes well, and that you are able to find relief and a feeling of comfort and safety.

Please feel free to quote or utilize anything I share here at OOTS.  If you find it helpful, then I am grateful.


SharpAndBlunt

Hi Hope I just want to offer my support and, while you are having a very tough time of it right now, you are doing all the right things and I know things will settle and start to feel better for you soon  :thumbup:
:hug:


SaB

Blueberry


Three Roses

Sending the gentlest, most nurturing  :hug: to you, dear friend. Rest well. ❤️

Hope67

Hi everyone,
I feel very humbled to read all your replies here - and tears came very suddenly to my eyes, as I am very emotional at the moment -  :grouphug: to you all - I would like to reply individually to you - but I don't think I can - but please know I appreciate you all so much - and I am so thankful to have your support - it means a LOT to me.

*******
Journal Entry on 9th June 2019
So I've done my best to try to rest this past few days, but actually I've been struggling with my emotions and with quite a few things - and felt really quite a lot worse at times, and struggled to sleep - also experiencing some unsettling experiences at night.
BUT - at the same time, I feel as if I'm somehow getting stronger - because I am feeling so many more things, and I am also able to communicate with the different parts of me, in a way I couldn't really do before - I am feeling like they are beginning to trust me - and communicate with me - and whilst it de-stabilized me - and caused me to end up off sick - I feel it was the best thing for me. 
I am not sure if I'll cope with going to work again tomorrow, but I am going to see how I feel in the morning, and then see how it goes.  I know I can see the doctor again if I need to - but I don't really want to - as I don't know whether I'd get the same doctor or another one.  I am anxious about even that thought.  I think I will be able to cope with some work - I will certainly try - providing I feel up to it in the morning. 
My partner has been very supportive - although he did mention how I'd 'had this' for a long time - and mentioned the years he's known me, and I thought - well - I might 'have this' for all my life...  I wonder if he thinks I'll suddenly change and be free of complex PTSD (self-diagnosed) - I don't think I will - but I think that I will hopefully be ever more able to manage it and recognise that essentially all parts of me are important and that I want to care for all of me. 

I did get in touch with a very scared and frightened younger part of me - I would go so far as to say 'terrified' part of me - and I had some flash backs that were quite distressing - and made me wonder if they were true - or not.  But essentially I tried to comfort that part, and tell her that it's not the same time, and she is safe, and I tried to do the eye motions - whilst trying to comfort myself in the dark of night - and I put my own arm around myself, and told myself and that terrified part that she was ok - and that did settle me and I slept.

I've written far more than I thought I would - the whoosh of emotion I had when reading your replies - it's gone, and I feel like a very adult part of myself right now.  Maybe I'm dissociating a bit - I don't know if I am - maybe.  I do have more things I want to write, and realizations I've made, but I'll wait till I am feeling stronger.

Thank you again everyone - sending you all gentle and warm hugs -  :grouphug:
Hope  :)

Not Alone

Hope,
To the adult you, it makes sense that you would be nervous that if you go to the doctor you might not get the same one. Some people are more understanding then others. Glad you are able to give yourself permission to see how you feel tomorrow before deciding about work.

I think that is a pretty big thing that you are able to communicate more with the other parts. Wonderful that you were able to nurture and comfort the terrified little one. Sending you a safe, supportive hug.  :hug:

I just finished reading a couple of picture books to my younger parts. If your terrified little one had been there, I would have invited her to sit by me as I read the story. If that would have been too scary, I would have invited her to sit on the other side of the room while I read, then I'd turn the book and show her the pictures. I care that she is there and is so frightened.

Hope67

Hi Notalone - What you wrote here was so helpful to me - and younger Hope heard your words - and she felt emotional that you thought about her - I felt her emotion when I read your words - very strongly.  Thank you. 

************
Journal Entry on 12th June 2019
This week has been a tough one for me - I have felt like I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions - and sometimes wanted to get off, or actually just to scream - and on one occasion I did scream out loud - but there was no one around to hear me.  I felt very vulnerable, and I felt as if I couldn't cope sometimes, but the reality was that I have coped - and I managed to do some work - and therefore didn't need to visit the GP.  I think the quality of my work has suffered though, as I've found it difficult to concentrate and I've made some mistakes - but thankfully there haven't been any difficulties from that.  Nothing that couldn't be put right, anyway. 

As I write this now - I feel as if I'm out of a series of EFs and I feel much more adult right now.  I've experienced quite a few night time experiences - some night terrors and some hallucinations as well - but I've not worried about it - I've had the before, and I feel ok about them, because thankfully they are not as frightening as they once were - and the content is different. 

I think I was experiencing some numbness in my hands at night, as if the circulation wasn't working - I wonder if it's because it's been hotter, and maybe I'm not keeping hydrated or having sufficient salt.  Maybe that is why.  I am sure someone spoke to me about this previously - maybe BeHea1thy or SanMagic.  I'm not sure.

I am relieved to be out of the EFs right now - because they were draining me, and I was fearing that I'd be caught up and not able to manage them. 

I'm going to concentrate on getting through the remainder of this week, and then consider the weekend when it arrives.

Hope  :)

Three Roses

QuoteI am relieved to be out of the EFs right now - because they were draining me
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Hope67


Blueberry

 :hug: :hug: i'm too tired to read anything any more, but just want to send compassion

Not Alone