Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for the validation, and also for confirming about what you learned from Inner Child work - I had also read that in Janina's book - so it was helpful and enabled me to try to communicate with that part that feels in limbo - but I must admit that I have no idea if she actually 'heard' me or not.  I am however just going with the flow and remaining 'curious' and trying to keep connected to my ICs - and keeping the door open for them to share whatever they want with me.  I think it is a good approach, and so far it's proving to be helpful. 

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Journal Entry for 13th June 2018
Managing to do more things than usual - and that feels good. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Managing to do more things than usual - and that feels good. 

(It always feels really good for me too, managing more than usual.)

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,

I am just popping by to say hello and offer a 
I hope today will be a good day for you!

Sceal

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry & Sceal - I appreciate your replies and comments, and thank you for the hug too - sending a hug back to both of you 

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Journal Entry on 14th June 2018
I shall be away from the forum for a couple of weeks - it's going to be a much needed break - in terms of doing some travelling and exploring some new places - a holiday - and I won't be able to access the internet much during that time, so I doubt I'll get chance to pop in here - but in anycase, I know it will be good for me to 'take a break' from lots of things - and then I can return hopefully with some fresh feelings and right now I'm preparing my 'parts' to accompany me on this holiday - and know that we'll all be together and hopefully enjoying it.

I will be back sometime in July - probably the first week of July - but maybe mid-July, that will depend on whether we extend our trip or not.  There is that option - but I'll see how it goes. 

I'll miss people here - but will look forward to reading people's Journals and posts and catching up when I get back.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Sceal]

Have a safe adventure! 

[Deep Blue]

Enjoy the traveling! So much love to you darling

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Sceal & Deep Blue,
Thank you so much.  It's warmed my heart to see your lovely replies - I am back safe and sound from my travels.  It's good to be here again and re-connect with this amazing place. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 3rd July 2018
I am back after a holiday - I feel better for it.  It was good to see different things, and connect with new people - even though I find doing that a little challenging on occasions.  I managed to cope ok!  I am glad that we went. 

I found it hard to return - because when I get back home, that's when it hits me that I am estranged from my FOO - and even though I know that it's my choice to be 'estranged' - it highlights the fact that it is the reality of the situation.  That is how it is.

I got back yesterday and I was tired - I felt a sense of loss - but as the day has gone on today - I think I am feeling better - I think I am feeling a bit stronger in myself than I had been previously - so that's a good feeling.  Maybe I can get more things done now I'm back - establish a good routine - and make some progress on things.  I'll see how it goes.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 4th July 2018

It is so hot this evening - I am sweating.  I've been out for a walk this evening, and it was very nice.  Chance to enjoy the air and think about a few things.  I got more things done today - which is good.  Being away on a holiday - it has helped me to relax - but whilst I was away, I also felt some tension some days - and found some days more challenging than others.  In terms of 'befriending my parts' - I found that my 'depressed teenage self' seemed to join me for some time - and when that part was around, she made me want to sleep more and shut-down.  Also, there were a couple of nights when she was more active in my sleep - and I felt just incredibly 'angst' and 'depression' - it was so heavy - it was like she was wailing - and I feel sure that one night I was literally crying in my sleep.  I have woken before to find my bed-clothes wet from tears - I really think I might have wailed and cried that night.

But rather than feeling scared or worried by those experiences, I am embracing them, and trying to take an 'interested perspective' whereby I think about the meaning of it, and try to understand my wounded part who feels so desperate.  Who communicates her feelings by wailing and crying and by shutting down and sleeping.  It helps - I also found that I connected more with the excited child-like parts of myself - who wanted me to have ice-creams and other fun stuff whilst on holiday - and saw the sights and sounds with fresh eyes, because now at least they are with the adult self who is caring and listens to them, rather than wants to shut them down, and stop them from enjoying themselves. 

Unfortunately I am feeling fatter now - because I did eat too much.  So I would like to try to do something about that.  Not sure what yet - but having a walk this evening was a good start - made me feel better.

I recognise a great strength in myself - I don't feel so vulnerable right now - I felt vulnerable for quite a long time in various ways before - I'm noticing a shift in that.  Like a different perspective.  It's positive and I hope to hold onto it. 

I am starting a Gratitude diary again - I had started one previously but then forgot to write in it - I'm hoping to do better this time.  Stick with it this time.  I think it's a good idea.  I am aware that my inner and outer critics can be unkind sometimes, and therefore I need to notice the things I do that are ok.  Mention them in my Gratitude diary and think about what difference they have made to my day - because they do make a difference.

My holiday meant I didn't bring any self-help books with me - so it was time away from that kind of reflection - but I was trying to experience things 'in the moment' and savour experiences.  That was a good process. 

There are a few stressful things I need to deal with this week - in terms of communications with some people in my life - and I'll see how that goes.  But I am pleased that I'm not feeling fearful currently - and that's refreshing!

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 5th July 2018
This day has actually been more productive than many before it, and yet I am feeling a strange sense of foreboding about it.  Maybe it's because I never felt able to 'enjoy' accomplishing things - and would fear something would go wrong - I think that may be what it is.  I've used my Gratitude diary to make a note of the positives from today - and I do feel so grateful that I managed to do quite a few things that I had put off previously - but somehow I can't 'feel' positivity for them.  I did feel it for a few moments, but then the dread came over me.

I hope to shake it off - I think one of my wounded parts is uncomfortable about it, and I don't know who they are - i.e. I've not really worked out that part of myself - but I think they are there and I will communicate and hopefully help her to feel happier about the fact that I did some positive things today, and that it's ok.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hey Hope,

Feeling for a few moments is better than not feeling at all! Especially if a part of you feels threatened by feeling. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You're right, it is good that I was able to feel those feelings for a few moments, and I hope I'll be able to allow myself to do so for further moments like that.  Thanks for the hug, and sending one back to you 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 6th July 2018
I've been thinking about my sister this week, mainly because she contacted me again - via E-mail, but instead of writing anything - she merely forwarded an E-mail that was from one of the strange Conspiracy theorists - and basically it was this issue that caused us to break off contact previously - I guess that it was important for her to send me the latest information from that person, because maybe she thinks if I read it, then I'll somehow realise that the conspiracy theories that she clearly believes in 100% are true, and I'll 'see the light' - but the thing is that I think they are really strange ideas and beliefs, and I think that she should acknowledge that I have a right not to get involved with them.

It's more than that though - it's a feeling of loss about the fact I don't have a relationship with her that is workable - or sustainable.  I realise that's not her fault, nor mine - we weren't allowed to develop a sisterly relationship - we were pretty much kept separate most of the early years we were in the same household, and for many of those years we were in different households - and then I didn't see her at all after I was 6 years old. 

I think that she would write back to me if I made further contact, but I am concerned that if I do get involved in writing to her, that it will be too challenging for me - and I won't cope with it.  Yet I am aware that her Birthday will come up soon, and I wonder whether to send her a card or not.  I know she was thrilled when she got a card from me previously - to the extent that she was going to frame it as I'd put some photos together of us.  So it meant a lot to her.  It meant a lot to me too at the time, as we had finally re-established contact, but actually it's been very challenging to maintain that contact and I've not managed it. 

My partner thinks it's not a good idea to re-establish contact, and I think he's right.  But at the same time, I still sometimes wish that somehow I could establish 'some' contact - maybe not so intense. 

It's difficult.  I hope that I don't end up mulling this over too much over the next few weeks till her Birthday - as I'd like to be clear about what I would like to do.  I don't think I am completely clear about it yet.  I might try doing another 'letter to - not to send' in the other part of the forum, to try to work out my feelings more - but I don't know if that will work or not.  I'm not sure.

I was doing some 'family history' research today - as there was a free session online with access to some birth, death and other records and I found someone had done a family tree containing some of my family members, and then I was wondering who that person was - whether she was a relative of mine.  But my family seems too dysfunctional - so much estrangement across generations - it literally repeats itself from one generation to another - I found that I was dissociated for a while afterwards - it took me a while to re-focus, but I was glad to have recognised how I was feeling. 

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right at this moment - which is why I thought I'd stop and write about things for a while here - as that gives me clarity sometimes and helps me feel better and able to look more at my thoughts and my feelings. 

I'm glad I've written this and I'll hope to read it back on the weekend, and see how I'm feeling then as well.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 7th July 2018

I am just copying something I had written in another 'journal' that I have been keeping - as I wanted to include it here - and remember what I had said, so I'm copying and pasting it:

"I also read a book recommended by a member of the Trauma Forum called 'Stalking the Soul' by a French psychiatrist, and it was very good at covering the subject of Emotional Abuse – and I think that reading that triggered some repressed memories in me, and also helped me to understand that I have actually experienced emotional abuse at the hands of my parents – and that I infact made the perfect victim for them – enabling them to continue it for many years of my adult life in addition to my childhood. That makes me feel both shocked and also I feel manipulated. The book mentioned that it can be difficult for the 'victim' to feel and express anger, unless they are totally free from the control etc, and I certainly have found it very difficult to get in touch with my anger. It's like I still want to think the best of people – even those who have actually abused me. I want to make excuses for them – but essentially they have manipulated me to their own ends, and not considered me as a person with individual needs. My needs have been overlooked in preference to them meeting their own needs.

The book 'Stalking the Soul' goes into the ins and outs of 'Emotional Abuse' and I realise that my parents basically used tactics and strategies of emotional abuse towards me throughout – it was like they brain-washed me to be a 'controlled' little girl, who would meet their needs, and they gradually eroded my sense of identity and free-will. I actually relate to people who experience 'Stockholm Syndrome' - because my captors were literally people I was supposed to love and who were supposed to care for me and have my best intentions at heart – but clearly they had narcissistic drives to ensure their needs were paramount and that I was there to serve their needs. Not a good thing – in any way."


It's strange, that I often look at things I've written before, and think to myself - did I really write that?  I know I did, but somehow I'm not always 'aware' at the time - and when I read it back, I'm sometimes impressed that I am articulate.  Because many times, I feel like I'm not articulate at all, and I struggle to think of things to say.

Anyway, what I wrote above, I very much relate to - and it makes sense, and I am grateful to the person who recommended the book.  I think it was 'Ah' but I can't remember for sure... 


I've had further thoughts about my sister - and this time I am thinking that she only shared the information in the Conspiracy E-mail because the people who believe in these set of 'beliefs and values' are being encouraged to share it - and I saw she's put a link on her Facebook to all her friends there - and I read the content of it there, and even the words said that if a person was reading it now, then it was because of the good work of those who are attempting to share it.  Hence I think that she was sharing it because she's been told to - by whoever is heading up those Conspiracy theories, and not because she essentially cares about me.

I could be doing her a disjustice here, I know that, but the thing is that I experience some feelings of guilt about not being able to maintain good contact with her - I often see those programmes on TV that are about 'long lost families' meeting up, and how emotional it is for them - but I wonder how many instances there are which don't work out well - do they also feature those?  I don't think so - I think they tend to show the ones where things turned out well - and people were so happy to be reunited.

I dislike the cynical tone that I can feel coming into this writing just now - because I don't like to be 'cynical' - but at the same time, I can't help feeling some cynicism here.

I wonder if I should have tried to seek some help when I was tracing my sister - I feel sure there were some contact details for potential counsellors at the time - as I traced her via the Salvation Army Tracing service, and I remember the letter having some contact information on it - and I didn't pursue that side of it. 

Why not?  Because again, I find it hard to trust - maybe that is it.  I don't know.

I am still feeling quite 'up and down' emotionally as a result of doing more research in the ancestry side of things - as I have found out some new things in relation to my ancestors, and some of them are more perplexing and difficult to understand.  It's like trying to get to the bottom of some bizarre detective novel, with many clues but nothing that 'adds up'.  I feel like I keep finding things, and then I can't quite make the links between things.  I can jump to some conclusions, but of course can't be sure if I'm right or wrong about those conclusions. 

Also, I've been aware that I've been starting to dream more at night, and they have been quite vivid dreams - thankfully not like the nightmares or night terrors I used to experience - I've not had one of those for quite some time now - so that is an improvement, but I feel like there are some changes in my subconsious, and they are causing me to dream more.  I think I might keep a dream diary again - as I can't recall the dreams so well - but if I do a diary of them, then I'll be able to see what themes are there.

It's been good to write this. 

Hope