Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I would like to wish you the best with your move, as I know it's going to be a big thing, and you can already feel the emotion of that.  Wishing you the strength you need to cope with that transition, and sending you love and hugs    I like your suggestion of 'Forward, it's all worth it' - let's hope it is - and there will be a new chapter waiting.  One which is positive and interesting to behold.  For all of us.

****
Journal Entry on 19th May 2018
My dreams last night were containing a very anxious 'part of me' - one who was scared and felt alone, so it was good to wake this morning and realise that it was a dream, but at the same time, I wondered which part of me was communicating with me in that dream, and so I am sitting with the feelings for a while, to try to make sense of them.  I know it is because I'm literally 'alone' this weekend, my partner is away - and so I guess just the process of sleeping alone, brings some 'fear' and 'isolation' - but it was ok.  I coped.  I am awake now, and I have got some things planned for today - and hopefully it will be ok.

I am trying not to binge this weekend, as I overate/binged on some food last time he was away, and that wasn't good, as I was back to an old pattern that I thought I had left behind.  But somehow it had re-evoked itself.  So this time, I've not got any food in the house that could be tempting.  If it's not here, I can't eat it!  I have plans for my meals, so I know exactly what I'll be eating.  Should be a good plan.

Yesterday I ended up having to protect my space and my privacy as one of the relatives of my partner was quite pushy about trying to get me to talk about something I wasn't happy to talk about.  I ended up telling them that I didn't want to talk about it, because I was a 'private person' - and they didn't really understand that, asked me further questions - which made it feel even more invasive of my space, so then I said that I was feeling uncomfortable with their questions, and that I didn't want us to end up feeling so uncomfortable in each other's presence, and then they backed off.  Thankfully we were able to bring the conversation around to more comfortable things, and I think the outcome is that they understood me, and maybe they won't breach my comfort zone again in quite that way.  But I don't know.  I'm just glad I stood my ground, and pursued my wish for privacy, as I think I couldn't cope with that being eroded by that person.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hello,
Great job setting boundaries, Hope!
I just wanted to pop by and tell you that, and give you a 

Sceal

[Hope67]

Sceal - thank you so much - I really appreciate you saying that, and the hug is lovely - thank you  - I had felt a bit like an 'alien' when I had stood up to that person in asserting my privacy, and it felt like an incredibly hard thing to do, so to have someone say 'Great job setting boundaries' - it means a LOT.  Thank you!

**** Journal entry later on 19th May 2018

I managed to get through the day - I managed to do most of the things I'd set out to do - that feels good - because I didn't find it easy.  I had a social thing too - and I was able to keep myself together - although I felt like I was 'wearing a mask' for part of that time - but at the same time, I felt like I was present and interacting - and whilst I was doing so, I was amazed at different aspects of the day.  However, I felt incredibly tired by the end - it took a lot out of me.

I saw the pushy person that I'd asserted my boundaries with, and thankfully nothing was said of the conversation we'd had only yesterday - so that was good too..  Maybe it's forgotten by the other person already, and I just took it too much to heart - and was affected too much by it.  I guess our tolerances for things differ from person to person.  I realise I am hyper-vigilant to things, and probably a lot more 'sensitive' than most people seem to be, but then it's so difficult to know what other people think and feel, and how they react, and what they perceive.

Life is interesting in that way, I guess.

Unfortunately I didn't manage to get through the day without bingeing.  It could have been a lot worse though - it was a 'limited' binge - but I ate a lot of calories in the end - but there's nothing else I can eat now, so it's safe...   I think it was a combination of having 'got through the day' - but also the effect of the Royal Wedding, because it reminded me of previous times, back in the 1980's actually - and it showed me how different my life has gone, since that time and now.  However, I am also thinking that there are some good things in my life now - which weren't there back then.  So that's good.  I guess it's just a bit of a strange time, when there's a National Event - and people mark it, and you see the generations there - and the relationships between them, and also see people celebrating etc.  Weddings are happy times - but they also bring up other feelings too.

I wish I hadn't eaten so much - but as I say, it could have been worse.  There are worse things I could have done, and I didn't - I just over-ate. 

I put on some music from the 1980's and ended up dancing.  I really enjoyed doing that.  I thought of Blueberry, as I know she does that sometimes.  Great idea. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  I ended up telling them that I didn't want to talk about it, because I was a 'private person' - and they didn't really understand that, asked me further questions - which made it feel even more invasive of my space, so then I said that I was feeling uncomfortable with their questions, and that I didn't want us to end up feeling so uncomfortable in each other's presence, and then they backed off. 

Good for you Hope! 

[Blueberry]

I saw the pushy person that I'd asserted my boundaries with, and thankfully nothing was said of the conversation we'd had only yesterday - so that was good too..  Maybe it's forgotten by the other person already, and I just took it too much to heart - and was affected too much by it.  I guess our tolerances for things differ from person to person.  I realise I am hyper-vigilant to things, and probably a lot more 'sensitive' than most people seem to be, but then it's so difficult to know what other people think and feel, and how they react, and what they perceive.

"took too much to heart", "affected too much by it" sounds to me a bit as if you might perceive the situation yesterday to somehow have been 'your fault' whereas it sounded to me as if this person couldn't take 'no' for an answer. I'm happy for you that this person didn't continue to hound you today on the subject matter but the fact you didn't want to talk about a particular subject matter with that person doesn't make you too sensitive in any way.

Something useful I read and learn at OOTF our sister website is: don't JADE. Justify Argue Defend Explain. We can do any of those once, but then reset the boundary. We don't actually owe anybody an explanation. Plain old 'No' ought to work. Though I think in UK English there's a cultural tendency to explain. "No" all on it's own is considered rude. Maybe "No, I don't want to" would be OK though? I feel when I'm justifying myself, my actions, explaining etc etc I feel like a child who's still explaining. Whereas adults just get to say "No." At least empowered ones do. We're learning to be empowered on here.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You really helped me with both your replies - thank you so much.   

It was difficult for me to assert my boundaries with that person, and it's an ongoing relationship that is going to prove to be challenging for me, as I feel that they will not necessarily 'forget' and may end up re-challenging me - so I feel like I need to be constantly 'on my guard' around them.  I really don't like that.  But it is as it is.

Your words really helped - because I can see in retrospect how I am ending up feeling as if I have to participate in JADE - and also see the British culture within that - and so recognising that I have rights - it's hopefully going to empower me to assert myself - without giving too much upset to the recipient of my boundary.

I'll have to see how it goes.  I think I do end up perceiving most situations as 'my fault' in the end - because I end up personalising and also feeling as if I'm responsible for other people's feelings - which I can acknowledge in the light of day, I'm NOT, but somehow I 'feel as if' I am responsible.  I know it stems back to being constantly 'tuned in' to the feelings of my FOO and 'walking on egg-shells' around them, to 'keep them happy' at the expense of my own feelings, thoughts and wants/desires. 

Anyway, Blueberry - I will have a look at the other forum to see what they say about  JADE and stuff like that - it sounds helpful.   It's funny though, whenever I've popped into that forum, I feel as if there are elements that seem a bit 'militant' - i.e. 'hard' and 'forthright' and I wonder if I would want to be like that, but maybe I'm scared of the flip-side of being more compliant, passive and self-effacing. 

****
Journal Entry on 20th May 2018

I have found Blueberry's words really helpful, and it's given me things to think about.  I am still on my own this weekend, in terms of my partner being away - he'll be back tomorrow - I am excited to see him.  I've missed him.  I've had to see some of his relatives whilst he's been away, and I'm not used to seeing them without him - I prefer him to be there when I see them, as he does protect me from invasive questions, and of course, if I'm by myself, then I am prey to their questions - and hence trying to stand up for myself and protect my privacy.  Yet, protecting my privacy seems to be a difficult concept for some people to comprehend.  It's like they want to know all about you... invade your soul...

I am exaggerating I think - because that sounds too invasive - but maybe that is what part of me fears - that they want to get inside my protected private space - and I don't trust them!   How can I trust them, when I can't trust my own FOO. 

I am frustrated at myself for over-eating yesterday - I am going to try to be better today.  I've written out a list of things to do, and I'm working my way down that list.  So that's good so far. 

Part of me wants to go to bed and just shut out the light of the day - for a bit.  I could do that.  But I fear that depressive thoughts will join me there, and I don't want that.

So I'm going to keep active - and get through the day that way.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 21st May 2018

I've come to the conclusion that I was in another EF during the weekend, and that when I was seeing that person I was having difficulties with (i.e. in terms of asserting my boundaries etc) that somehow I had taken a 'wounded part' along at the time I interacted with them, and then the next time I saw them, somehow I was wearing a more 'grown-up' and 'compassionate' part of myself - which was able to see that actually I had been quite 'defensive' towards them, rather than compassionate for their own situation.  It's hard to put this into coherent words, as I'm not entirely sure I know what I mean myself - by what I'm saying here - but essentially, whilst I was glad to have asserted my boundary with the person, in the end I could also see that I had been projecting some fears onto that person that weren't actually related to that person at all - it was due to my insecurities and fears concerning my FOO, and how 'they' would treat me, and how that would make me feel, and the two situations are different, and the history of my FOO isn't the same as the history with this other person.

So coming to that realisation helped me to 'stand back' a bit - and look with fresh eyes. 

I am still going to practise the art of maintaining my boundaries, and asserting my need for privacy, when I feel that things are over-stepped - or I feel like I can't handle something - and I am going to think carefully about whether I am getting involved in the JADE aspects that Blueberry pointed out.  Most importantly, I would like to be considered as an empowered adult, rather than a dependent child.  I feel I've got a long way to go to get there, but to be able to assert myself a bit more, and recognise where I am and another person begins and ends, that's going to be helpful.

This IS making some sense to me, but I'm not sure if I'm writing about it in a way that is coherent.  I hope so.

I talked to my partner about the fact I had over-eaten whilst he was away, and he admitted that he'd done exactly the same thing!  So we are both prone to over-eating when apart.  Thankfully he's back now - and we can hopefully get back into eating better. 

I am trying to establish a routine this week - whereby I can focus on things that need doing, plus some more enjoyable things to ensure there's a balance. 

Hope 

[Libby183]

Hi Hope.

I really understand the thoughts and feelings you were describing.  Isn't it incredible how almost every social interaction becomes so fraught.  Not in respect of the actual interaction,  but of what we have to put ourselves through in our heads. I look at other people,  including my husband,  and marvel at the way they just don't seem to have doubts about what they have said, how others have responded,  what people think, what it says about them. All the things I worry about and I get the idea that many of us do. No wonder everything is so tiring!

I think you do really well with social interaction,  because I realise just how hard it can be.

Enjoy some good food with your partner!

Libby.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i think asserting boundaries takes practice, and being adult about it takes even more practice.  we've had our boundaries run over without our consent so many times, and when i first started being assertive about them (after first even recognizing where they were), i was quite abrupt a lot of the time.

i'll still fall into that if it's a new kind of situation, but having practiced more over the years, it's become easier.  still, i'm no diplomat, that's for sure. 

the midwest culture of the u.s. where i was raised was also big into justifying.  it was a way to try to get the approval of the other person a lot of the time.  as if, if they understood my reasoning, then it was ok.  if they didn't, somehow it was not.  always had to make it ok with them first, so reasons often became lies - i can't make it cuz the kids are sick - when i just didn't want to go. 

it takes time, patience, and practice, and that still doesn't mean we'll always get it right.  please don't get down on yourself.  i think the main best thing is that you did stick up for yourself, held your boundary, and were assertive.  if it bothers the other person, they can always bring it up to you and the two of you can discuss it as adults. 

love and hugs to you hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby & SanMagic,
Thanks to both of you - I appreciate your replies - both so validating and helpful to me.     to you both. 

*****
Journal Entry on 22nd May 2018

I've been a bit side-tracked by something someone said yesterday - which has sent me into a feeling of more intense anxiety - basically someone suggested that the person I was trying to assert my boundaries with, might actually live with me and my partner - whilst they have some ongoing health needs that require some personal care!  This was without discussion directly to my partner or to me - and I do NOT want that to happen.  I feel like I wouldn't cope at all - I would feel like my personal space was invaded - I would feel so many things. 

I know I have the right to say 'No' to this, but the fact that someone has already put it as a possibility - without consulting us - what gives them that right!? 

My space at home - it's precious - I can't cope with social stuff anyway, so to have someone else staying would mean they'd have their visitors, and it would be never-ending, not to mention the responsibility of caring for someone in those circumstances...

You see, I'm having difficulty in asserting my 'rights' 'my boundaries' - it's causing me significant stress - this whole thing... 

I feel like this:   

Hopefully I'm catastrophising rather than this being 'reality'.  It's good to ventilate this feeling, and talk about it - and I feel sure I'll be calmer once I am able to tell myself that I can say 'No' - and that my partner will back me up.  But I don't want to be perceived as the 'villain of the piece' - i.e. the one who was awkward and horrible and non-caring.

I am a caring person, but I don't want to take on a caring role in terms of living with someone else and meeting their needs.  It would stress me out completely - not to mention bring up feelings of guilt in relation to not being there for my FOO - 

Now I feel as if I can't get on with the things I wanted to do, because I feel guilty.  I feel bad. 

OK - I'm going to face this - I'm going to assert my boundaries.  I will do this.

I just feel horribly selfish at the moment.  Like I am uncaring and selfish.  Because I want to keep my independence and my personal space - but I really feel like I wouldn't cope with a situation where another person lived with us - I find it hard to be alone with them - let alone have them in my personal space each and every day.  I couldn't cope with that. 

I can't work out which part of myself is so triggered by this whole scenario, but it evokes a very primal fearful feeling, so I think it's a wounded part that is desperate to protect me, and ensure I have my space. 

What bothers me a lot is the feeling of 'not being in control' of this - like it's an unknown element.  Something I'm not sure how to negotiate. 

I'll try to put my adult head on - and cope.  I expect I will - but right now, I feel like screaming. 

I think I'm over-reacting - but it's been good to express it.  I am beginning to feel a bit calmer, just for having written about this.

If you've read this, thank you for listening.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Sweet hope,
Keep setting those boundaries.  You have every right and reason to feel upset about others not consulting you on this first.  Your instinct is right on that it wouldn't be what is best for you to have them live with you.

Please take good care. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much - I am feeling a bit better since I wrote things earlier today - it's been ruminating through my mind for a lot of the day, but I was able to talk things through with my partner, and he has reassured me that I don't need to worry about this - i.e. no one can make us change our living arrangements without our permission. 

Also, I think the person was maybe 'testing the waters' and had caused a few too many ripples in how they had communicated things - and I realise that my anxious and wounded selves were very frightened by that, and went into shock/froze in fear for a while.  But as the day is progressing, I am warming through - and I am no longer catastrophizing in my mind, and most importantly, I am recognising that I can set boundaries as an adult - and I must just stay strong to ensure I do that - rather than react in fear.

This day has felt a bit like a roller-coaster of emotions, but I'm on a smoother part of the ride now, as the afternoon is here - thank goodness!

Deep Blue - thank you again, as your reply was very validating - and helpful to me.    to you.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I ended up going to bed for an hour - because I just felt incredibly drained of energy - I could hardly keep my eyes open.  I've drifted off into a sleep and I've now woken again, and I feel better in myself.  I am so relieved.  I think I really drained myself of energy with my angst and my ruminating about things.  I am relieved to feel a bit better now. 

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Much love Hope.

[Blueberry]

Sweet hope,
Keep setting those boundaries.  You have every right and reason to feel upset about others not consulting you on this first.  Your instinct is right on that it wouldn't be what is best for you to have them live with you.

Please take good care.