Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much for saying that.  I am also feeling very validated by the fact that you experience similar things - it really helps to know that.  Thank you.   

Hi Wattlebird - I really appreciate what you wrote here - thank you - and knowing that our experiences regarding how the parts communicate is so similar - that is incredibly validating - and makes me better able to challenge that part of me that worries incase I appear a bit 'crazy' - and I very much hope you're similarly able to reassure yourself that you're fine.  I am also very much using tools like the self-help books, some u-tube stuff, and mainly this forum to remain grounded and it all really helps.

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Journal Entry on 5th December 2018
I have already been in tears today worrying about a social occasion I have to attend this evening - I realise it's been an EF - because it has passed now, and I do feel a bit better - and I'm trying to rationalise everything and tell myself that I should be fine - and that hopefully I'll cope with tonight.  But there are various parts of me that are in a quandry about whether we will cope - and I keep wishing I could 'get out of it' - but I know it would be disappointing to my partner if I backed out of it - and then he would probably feel he wouldn't want to go either - and essentially I'm going for his sake - as it's his friends - and I don't want to appear like a weirdo - but I feel as if I am.  I feel socially phobic just now.  Like it's high on my anxiety threshold and I can't cope - I want to back out.

But, I am going to try to cope - and will try to go.  I'm trying to think of it in terms of 'What's the worst thing that can happen?' - and essentially the reality of it should be that it should hopefully be fine. 

  - better out than in - that feels better...  Laughing now.     Just flexing those emoticons - because I can.   

I feel a bit better, as I did talk to my partner about my anxieties - he was very helpful and understanding - and hopefully we'll get through this - and I'll manage to go and might even enjoy it.  I'll see how it goes.

I hope to be able to report back here tomorrow - and share how it was.  Thanks for listening.  Just knowing I can write this here - it's helpful.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

good for you, hope, for talking to him about how you're feeling.  i really think it's great that you're letting him in more and more - he sounds very supportive.

i've gone thru several of these episodes over the years, so i totally know where you're coming from.  too many times i couldn't go because i was sick or it was just too much for me (especially in mex. when it was too hot).  usually my hub went anyway (this was mostly funerals - they do all-nighters there for the wake, and during the summer it was often 100 degrees throughout the nite.  but they're a sort of social occasion with expectations for the family/friends to attend.

but, other soc. occasions as well.  so, i get it.  with the two of you knowing about your anxiety, i hope it goes a lot more smoothly than you originally thought.  best to you, and i hope you can enjoy some of it.  love and a big hug, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

Sending    because it seems you're both working on things a lot atm and having a difficult day today.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - thank you - my partner is incredibly supportive and he's the first partner I've had in my life who I could be completely open with about my past and my thoughts and my feelings, and I am sure that I wouldn't be able to face doing this processing unless I had that stability in my life - I am so thankful that I met him and that we can enjoy life together. 
SanMagic - thank you so much for sharing your experiences of feeling socially anxious and avoiding things sometimes - it sounds especially tough in the heat of Mexico - and the cultural expectations of the long funerals and the wake going through the night.  I think you were sensible to protect yourself by not going - it would have been tough to endure such a long time with so many expectations.  Thanks for the love and big hug - and sending them back to you in equal measure.   

Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much for those hugs - and for what you said - I really appreciate it - I felt like you were all at my side during my evening - and it made me feel stronger.   

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Journal Entry on 6th December 2018
I was really surprised by how things turned out - after all the anxiety I had felt during the day, and the fact that I would have avoided the situation altogether if it hadn't been that I wanted to support my partner - and yet, when I got there - it was better than I thought.  Not only that, I ended up having a very personal chat with the wife of my partner's friend - and we shared a lot of personal things about our lives - and I found she had some things in common with me - and she didn't judge me - in her reactions to me - and I was able to talk aloud about some personal things - without breaking down in tears - I was able to keep it together - but also talk about things. 

I think this affected my sleep - because my partner told me I had become incredibly 'clammy' during the night - but I don't recall any unsettling dreams or anything untoward.  I felt more vulnerable this morning, and I still feel that vulnerability - but the interesting thing is that I feel as if I coat of armour has been 'peeled off' and discarded, and that I 'don't actually need that armour' - if that makes sense.  Like I thought something really terrible would happen if I spoke about personal things out loud to another person outside my FOC - (family of choice) - about my FOO (family of origin) - but having done so - it was actually ok.  This is a revelation and a big step for me.

I felt that I needed to 'speak the truth' - mainly because I knew that my partner had told his friend certain things about me - and so I thought that it was likely that his friend's wife would therefore also know some things - as I presume couples talk to each other - and so when she asked me some personal question about family - I thought - 'I need to be honest here' and so I was.  The fact she then shared personal things about herself, which showed how much she could empathise and understand my own situation - it was honestly so refreshing and felt good.

Normally my partner meets his friend on their own - as male buddies - but having had the meal last night together - they already spoke of wanting to do something else as a 'four' - I replied 'I don't mind' - and I think it would be ok - so this is a step towards maybe doing something social with a larger group than I'm comfortable with.

I realise this may sound very phobic of me - because basically I usually only manage to cope on a one-to-one basis in my social life - so that means either going out with my partner - or going out with a single friend - so that I cope with that dynamic - one on one.  The thought of parties, work do's (things of the past for me now that I no longer work), and 'foursomes' even - that has been too challenging for me up till now.  I have avoided them.

But maybe I'll try to build on this new found confidence - and try it again.  I feel 'braver' today - at this moment - I just hope I don't regret having been so open - as that is a trusting thing to have done - but I do trust the person I opened up to - she's a nice person, I can tell that from talking to her. 

I do feel tired though - I think it took a lot out of me - energy wise.  So I'm going to try to get my energy back - and I'm looking forward to my trip to the library tomorrow - to look for some books - so many great suggestions from people here - thank you for those. 

Having your support alongside me last night, it really helped me a lot.   

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Sounds like you've taken a major step in your recovery no wonder your feeling vulnerable and tired, well done hope, for some reason I'm feeling very proud of you, sorry don't mean to offend but I don't understand my feelings and I'm only just learning to recognise them and so it takes me a while to work out what's going on, I think they need an emoji with an eye roll, I'd put it here. 
Anyway well done 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
Just to say I really appreciate your saying that you feel proud of me - I am not offended at all - I am happy you said that.  It means a lot.  I also appreciate the cheer 

I am taking it easy today - and I haven't caught up on anyone else's Journals or other things in the forum, but I hope to do so once I feel a bit more energy.  The 'vulnerable' feeling is waxing and waning so far today - going between feeling comfortable with my disclosure last night - to then feeling panicked - but mainly feeling ok about it so that's a good balance...

Thanks again.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  from me too. Sounds like a well-earned day of rest today after so much hard work. 

[Hope67]

Thanks Blueberry - I still feel very tired - it's taken a lot of energy out of me - this past few days.   

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Later on 6th December 2018
The person in whom I confided yesterday - she's sent me an invite on FB to be a 'friend' and I accepted - and then saw that she had way over 400 FB friends and that she has some very active social photos - i.e. showing her enjoying parties etc - and it really panicked me - as I am so different from that - but I am reminding myself that I don't need to suddenly become a friend of hers - and can stick to being someone who meets up now and then - her with her husband, and me and my partner - that I can say 'no' to anything I don't wish to be part of.  I needed to remind myself of this, as somehow my parts have panicked and been thrown into an activated heap as a result of my looking at her FB page.  Also, I think it's because she has children who are in their 20's, and therefore many of the photos showing the parties could be down to mixtures of those children and their various friends.

I guess I'm just worried that I opened up - and told her personal things - and it was very personal, and now I'm just worried - worried about saying too much to someone whom essentially I don't know very well at all.  But I did go by my gut instinct when I spoke with her, and it felt ok.  Maybe I've just been triggered just now - and I'm reacting to that.  I will try to calm and ground myself, but I thought I'd come and write about it - and the intensity of the reaction.  I also have a big desire to eat lots of bad things - but I'm trying not to do that.  I realise it's a comfort eating thing. 

I haven't had any replies from the relatives I had tried to contact - nothing at all.  I feel ok about that - because at least I tried to contact them - and they could then decide whether to reply or not.  I can't be sure if they saw my messages - but I did try.

Strangely I feel much better for having written about my reaction to the FB friend request - and I am amazed at how much calmer I feel already - my emotions seem so up and down and changeable sometimes.  It amazes me how they come and go like that - so strong and intense one moment and then just 'gone' - 'gone away' - at least I feel calmer now.  I prefer that feeling.  Or is it that at this moment I 'don't feel' anything, and I'm more used to that feeling?  I don't know.

I fell asleep after my meal - I was dozing infront of the TV - I was so tired.  I think I will sleep well tonight.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 7th December 2018
Thankfully I've woken up today and feel as if I have a better perspective on things - in that I feel ok about disclosing personal things to the wife of my partner's friend, and although I was quite anxious about seeing her FB pages - where I could see she appears as if she can cope with big parties etc - I realise that what people portray on FB doesn't always express how they feel as individuals - yes, someone could be surrounded by people and appear to be enjoying it, but maybe they are, and maybe they're not.  I shouldn't read much into someone's FB page - is what I'm saying - but just go by my gut instinct when I'm with someone.  Also, just because I enjoyed that social occasion, doesn't mean I have to go to further ones - I can decide at the time - depending on what it is - so I still have control on what I do.  This is important to me.  Somehow I felt as if I was losing my 'control' over myself - by what had happened in the past few days - but that's NOT the case - I am still able to make my own decisions.

I guess the fear came from opening up to someone who is outside my sphere of friends - as even within my actual friends - I've been careful to only disclose certain things to different ones - but I have opened up more in the recent couple of years - to more people - and I have found the responses to be very supportive - and often have ended up learning personal things in return - which have surprised me - I think that people just don't talk about things - probably because of feeling some shame.  I recognise and realise that I carry quite a lot of inter-generational shame - on my shoulders, and I need to try to process that and somehow 'put down that load' if I can.  I've not got to that stage yet, but I can see that I could do.  It's possible.

Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying that I feel better in myself today - I had got myself a bit overly-anxious yesterday - and things had gotten out of perspective - but today - I feel better - and genuinely 'feel better' rather than dissociating off and not feeling at all.  This is a good start to the day.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

Sending you  from across the pond!

[Deep Blue]

I'm proud of you Hope,
I think it's ok to trust a friend of your partner and his wife. 

The thing about facebook is that it's easy to paint a false picture of oneself.  I post smiley pics and my T says she doesn't recognize me with a huge fake smile and makeup and stuff.  I paint a very different picture online and it's easy.

I'm glad you have more energy and hope you have an enjoyable weekend

[sanmagic7]

wow, hope, i'm so impressed!  sharing personal stuff is a huge leap compared to what you've been used to doing - no wonder you had a sort of panic backlash and were exhausted afterwards.  i've had that same type of experience, especially questioning myself about how much and what i've shared - even on the forum - and it definitely can be draining.  every time i've let it be, tho, it has turned out all right.

good for you for taking that risk.  it sounds like the results were positive, and that you feel good about that.  and, i'm also impressed with how you are taking your power back.  as i was reading all the times you spoke of not 'having' to do something just cuz you did it once, or making a decision based on individual merits of the situation, i smiled for you.  you are becoming a force in your own life, and it's wonderful to see.   

keep up the good work, sweetie.  sending love and a hug full of encouragement on being your own person.  well done!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog, Deep Blue & Sanmagic - thank you so much - each of you - for your comments here - I appreciate them very much.    to you all.

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Journal Entry on 10th December 2018
I am going to have a 'break' for this week, and possibly next week too - not sure yet - where I am going to keep away from the internet and social media like FB etc - and the plan is to focus on some more relaxing things - and I've got all those great books now from the library - thank you everyone who made some great suggestions for books - I feel like a very excited child - but that is probably just my younger parts who are delighted that I've thought of them.
So, I'll be back either next week or the week after - and will look forward to catching up here - and also re-starting the Dissociation Book - and other processing that I would like to do.
I think this plan is healthy for me, and it feels like a good one. 
So - I will be back - and until then, sending you a hug - anyone who is reading this (if a hug is welcome of course!) 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

So, I'll be back either next week or the week after - and will look forward to catching up here - and also re-starting the Dissociation Book -
I think this plan is healthy for me, and it feels like a good one. 
So - I will be back - and until then, sending you a hug - anyone who is reading this (if a hug is welcome of course!) 
Hope 

Love you back and love that you are doing what's right for you 

[sanmagic7]

right back atcha, sweetie.  we'll be waiting for you.