Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #510 on: January 30, 2019, 07:10:10 PM »
Hi Jdog,
Thank you - I am so lucky to have my partner in my life - he is very supportive.  My work is going ok - I am adjusting to it, and in many ways it's better than past work experiences.  Thanks for your kind words - and I realy appreciate them.   :hug:

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Journal Entry on 30th January 2019
I had a horrible dream last night - where I thought my F had died - it was like I saw him very clearly - and it made me jump up and awaken, and my partner told me that I might even have jumped out of bed, but he couldn't be sure, as it was dark - but apparently I had said to him 'Can you give me a minute' - and then I had explained that I'd been shocked by dreaming that my F had died.  I still feel shaken by that.  I guess it's worse in that I won't probably know when something does happen.  Also, that I don't know what I would do at such news - even if I knew.

Anyway, today has been ok - I've had a relatively good day. 

I have some time off on Friday and also early next week - so I have a long weekend to look forward to - I am thinking of possibly taking some time away from the internet - and I would like to try to read some books and magazines - so I might not be around in here for a few days - I feel the need to relax and just 'be' with my inner parts - allowing them to communicate with me as they want to - and I think that taking a break will be a good thing.  Also, my partner mentioned that we could take some day trips over the weekend as well - so I am thinking that will be a nice thing to do. 

Hope  :)

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BeHea1thy

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #511 on: January 31, 2019, 12:49:53 AM »
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I can't believe that I'm writing this - because about an hour earlier, I was having a crisis of confidence, and feeling very over-whelmed - it's amazing how contrasting things can be.  Moment to moment. 

This feeling of not believing, then believing, going back and forth is (to me) like the natural flow of life. I can truly relate when you hear inner voices saying Don't tell, keep it to yourself. And then, when you write, its out there. And you weren't struck by a lightening bolt. In fact, you've moved on to a different consciousness, a new awareness, a different place with the strength and courage to trust yourself, to take risks, to take breaks and to acknowledge when you need space.

When I dream of living people having died, it's always unsettling. The way I look at it is that unconsciously we know that certain people are not going to live forever and that's painful to contemplate in the harsh light of day. It's kind of like a dress rehearsal to get to closer to the idea of a life without  whoever I dreamed about. Not that I then make a desensitization plan or anything, but I try to take time occasionally to imagine what my life would be like or feel like when that happens. There are two close friends I've know for over 40 years, both in their mid 80's now and I tentatively visit that loss in my imagination  at times. Then I recall having read about a very well adjusted senior who has lost all her family and friends. The way she continues living with confidence and zest is that she sees everyone she meets as a potential new best friend that is waiting to be discovered. I admired that attitude, it's very advanced and seemingly unattainable, but who knows?

Everyone has inner resources that are used when the external world changes in unexpected ways. You've shown and used your inner resources here. I'm glad you're part of the forum.

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Wattlebird

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #512 on: January 31, 2019, 08:55:35 AM »
Hi hope
I'm glad you seem to be past those efs
Look after yourself
 :hug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #513 on: January 31, 2019, 04:26:56 PM »
Nothing to say, just  :hug: for you.

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Jdog

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #514 on: February 01, 2019, 12:36:09 PM »
 :heythere:  Great job coping with stresses, Hope.

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Andyman73

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #515 on: February 04, 2019, 04:17:26 AM »
Hi Hope  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #516 on: February 08, 2019, 06:23:37 PM »
Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you so much for everything you wrote here - and I am glad you're part of this forum - thank you  :hug:

Hi Wattlebird - I appreciate what you said, and thank you  :hug:

Hi Three Roses - I always appreciate your hugs - thank you so much  :hug:

Hi Jdog - Thanks so much - I appreciate what you said.   :hug:

Hi Andyman - So lovely to return here to find such lovey big hugs from you  :bighug:


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Journal Entry on 8th February 2019

I have had a break from technology - outside work-time that is, and it was really beneficial to me - but I missed being here in this forum, and it's good to be back.  I missed everyone here - but thought of you in my mind - which was helpful in many ways.

I am hoping to get back to some reading on the Dissociation book - hopefully will have a look at the next chapter over the weekend. 

Hope  :)

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Sceal

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #517 on: February 08, 2019, 06:47:18 PM »
I'm impressed with your ability to take breaks from technology. I wish I had your strength, I've just simply no idea what to do with myself at home in that case.

Glad to have you back though!  :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #518 on: February 09, 2019, 09:36:02 AM »
Dear Sceal, Thank you so much - I think that it might be because I'm older - and was used to there not being any technology when I was younger - that I cope with breaks from it now.  I'm not sure.  But I think it helps me a lot to take a break now and then - and so I do it - and find that I am calmer as a result.  I appreciate that you think it is a strength - I hadn't thought of it that way - thank you.   :hug:  I'm glad to be back here - and missed everyone, even though I wasn't away all that long.  It felt like a longer time!

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Journal Entry on 9th February 2019

Now that the weekend is here and I have some time ahead of me that I can focus on things I'd like to do, somehow I am feeling a bit lost as to what to do and how to spend my time.  I have lots of housework stuff I could do, and there are also some things I've been putting off doing - that I could do.  But I don't feel like doing any of those things - and I'm experiencing that hollow kind of hopeless feeling inside - so I'm wondering which parts of me are communicating that.  I'm wondering what that part/parts need - and how I can hope to respond. 

I think I need to write more about my inner thoughts and feelings but there are resistant parts of me at the moment who aren't feeling comfortable with me doing that.  But I intend to overcome that - and hopefully write more when I can - so that's my hope - and I know it will help me to do so.

Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #519 on: February 09, 2019, 11:13:47 AM »
 :hug: :hug: I know those hollow feelings inside too.

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Wattlebird

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #520 on: February 09, 2019, 11:30:50 AM »
Yes I know you that hallow feeling as well,  :hug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #521 on: February 09, 2019, 03:13:01 PM »
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I intend to overcome that

... and I have confidence in you, in your ability to do just that and also to know the timing. You are an inspiration to me.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #522 on: February 09, 2019, 04:01:53 PM »
Dear Blueberry, Wattlebird & Three Roses,
Thank you all for what you wrote - I feel the compassion and understanding from you all - and you all inspire me.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

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Journal entry on 9th February 2019.
I've just written about Chapter 8 of the Dissociation book, and whilst I was processing the words of that book, I realised that I felt more emotional - as there were particular sections that resonated more with me, and also there was part of the chapter that made me feel more uncomfortable as well - so I wanted to come back here and write about it, whilst it's fresh in my mind.  It's on p.172 and is a list of questions that looks at activities in daily life - and says this: "When a patient is producing hundreds of pages of journaling every week, at what price are these writings produced, and what is being neglected in daily life?  What is happening with the patient's children, partner, friends, work, study, household chores, and bills?  What is the purpose of the writing?  Is it perhaps an avoidance of dealing with daily life, which feels overwhelming or boring?  Does the patient feel unheard and unseen unless mass quantities of information are given?  Does the patient feel the therapist cannot possibly understand unless he knows every detail and nuance?  Is the writing actually an avoidance of fully accepting what happened?  Is the patient suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and is the writing a symptom of that particular problem?  The function of the writing becomes the focus, rather than the content of the writing." - Literally, that has made parts of me uncomfortable, because I wonder whether my seeking answers through reading and then journaling, whether I am avoiding actually processing - but I know that a consequence of doing this has been that I am 'feeling more' things - and making more realisations.

I have literally felt 'hollow' and 'empty' for a great part of today - and I couldn't bring myself to do anything - I was sitting and really not doing anything much.  My partner has gone to bed - as he was tired - and sometimes I would have joined him in doing that - as it's a safe retreat to cocoon in bed - but I stayed with my uncomfortable feeling - and tried to understand it.  But I'm not sure I really got anywhere - it just felt incredibly frustrating and also quite pointless - and that made me feel worse. 

So in the end I reached for the Dissociation book and started to read it and summarise it - and tried to note how I was feeling as I read it.  I think I was able to stay more in the moment whilst I read it - but I felt uncomfortable about the section I wrote out above - the questions about the impact on daily life of the focus on writing, or journaling etc.  I recognise the avoidant aspects of myself - that I can't trust in even seeing a medical person, let alone go to see a therapist.  I have seen a therapist in the past, but there is a large part of me that is reluctant to take me there again. 

I think I'm scared of some things - what might be realised.  But I am eager to uncover them at the same time. 

When I saw the replies here from Blueberry and Wattlebird and Three Roses, I felt a whoosh of emotion - feeling a sense of validation - of true empathy - and it causes me to feel a lump in my throat of emotion - and brings tears to my eyes - but it's a good feeling - at the same time.  Weirdly, I am experiencing tinnitus in my ear quite strongly at the same time. 

I am glad I came here today and wrote this - I think I feel better for doing so. 

Hope  :)

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BeHea1thy

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #523 on: February 09, 2019, 08:41:01 PM »
Hi Hope,

Even when you are feeling empty, scared, or avoidant, you're still feeling something and that is IMO a positive because you're able to name it and to draw conclusions and meaning from it. I understand why you might be feeling uncomfortable, but if you notice the book raises those questions specifically about "hundreds of pages" weekly. With the way you describe your life and work, I doubt you are doing it to the exclusion of all other things.

A lot of the time when I read recovery books, I feel the same sense of unease and emptiness. It's scary to be confronted with the way an author chooses to convey "reality" when they may or may not have experienced it. Hold on to your own sense of well being by recognizing how strong you are in living your life.  :hug:

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Wattlebird

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #524 on: February 10, 2019, 04:06:18 AM »
I agree with behealthy
I discussed with my t this week wether she thought I was spending too much time on myself, seems to be a common fear in recovery, she said no by the way.
I was reading about how to identify emotions and one helpful thing was to try and identity when you have felt the same in the past or what it reminds you of, this helps me sometimes.
I think you are doing a wonderful job of learning about yourself without a therapist, there may come a time when you want to get one but you are processing and learning a lot on your own.
 :hug:  :hug:   :hug: