Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Three Roses]

 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope
It's awful to feel so overwhelmed
Sounds like a variety of things has thrown you off balance, try to focus on one at a time, too much at once is overwhelming,   

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello Hope,

Sometimes my triggers are really deep and they blindside me. Those ones  take a long time to process.

I also can get exasperated with myself and I have similar worries about my family.

I think what Wattlebird said about trying to focus on one thing at a time is good advice. It helps me to do that.

Another thing that helps me is a deep breathing exercise. 5 minutes starts to ground me. I breathe in for a count of 5 through the nose and out for a count of 5 through the mouth. It is not easy for me because usually I am panicking but if I can do it it helps.

I hope this is OK to give you that advice as you might already know about it. Sending you best wishes for everything.
SaB

[Blueberry]

  to you Hope.

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed atm. I'm not really surprised though because you've only just recently started a new job after not working professionally for a couple of years. Though you have been working really hard on yourself, but that's a different type of work altogether.  Usually any little change for me brings on feelings of being overwhelmed, so that's why I'm not surprised.

Is it possible for you to reduce pressure in areas of life other than work for a couple of months? Like maybe not have to socialise with your partner's family? I would hope your partner and his family would accept that you're focussing on your job, even if they maybe don't understand.

[Hope67]

Thank you everyone for what you said - I have appreciated all your replies - and took them all on board - and I am just so grateful that you're here - because when I came in to the forum yesterday - I didn't feel able to write anything, but reading what each of you had said, it really helped me.  So thank you so much 

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Journal Entry on 29th January 2019
I wasn't up to writing anything yesterday - and even today - I was panicking and feeling so over-whelmed for much of the evening - and suddenly I feel a lot better - it's like something literally switched in my brain - and right now, I feel ok.  I was beginning to wonder about whether I was going to collapse and not be able to function properly anymore - and I realise now, in the light of day - that it was basically a massive series of EF's - or something like that - and especially the very physical feelings and nausea I was experiencing - the indigestion type painful stuff that was going on a couple of days ago - I think I was in touch with some really strong stuff from my past - and thrown back into a time that my body remembered, but my mind couldn't relate to why I felt that way.  I don't understand it - in terms of exactly what it meant, but I do realise that it's relating to a period in my life when I was aged between 12 and 20 years of age - and for some reason my memories for the physical surroundings of my life at that time are extremely patchy - I can't remember lots of things, but hearing from my old friend and reading some letters I had written at the age of 18 or 19 years of age, they opened some memories, and evoked a part of me that I had buried - but which I now realise holds some keys to understanding things more.

So I think this is progress, but I hadn't realised how much feeling these emotions would throw me off kilter.  I also think that being back in a working role again has re-opened the 'work' part of my character - and I realise that I am less resilient than perhaps I was when I was younger.  But at the same time, I am more experienced in life now - and there is an adult work side of me that feels professional and also that feels as if I am respected by colleagues - they seem to like me, and I feel comfortable with most of them.  So that is good.  I am less comfortable with some digital aspects of things - but I'm doing my best to learn and become comfortable with things I need to do. 

There is also going to be the potential to do some work from home - so I am considering that - but I am not sure if that would work out or not - as I wonder if I will actually be able to focus - or not.  But basically as long as my work projects are completed, that is the main thing, so I need to think about this, and work things out.

Thanks again to Three Roses, Wattlebird, SharpAndBlunt, BeHea1thy, and Blueberry - for the really great things you each said, and for your support and your understanding.  I appreciated all your suggestions too - and I think they are really helpful.  I could hear each of your words and suggestions in my head, from time to time, and I did try each thing - and they did work.  So thank you all.  Blueberry, I wish I could work out a way to reduce the social stuff related to my partner's family - but the thing is that I don't think they'd understand that at all - because in their minds, they aren't putting any pressure on me, I think it's more in my own mind that pressure exists - mainly because I am horribly hyper-vigilant, and go through phases where I think that they will consider me 'weird' - I doubt that they do think that - when I push myself to think of the reality of it, but at the same time, there's part of me that is convinced that they will find me 'weird'.  I'm not sure if this makes sense, as it doesn't sound well thought-out.  But anyway, I've said it. 

Another thing that really helped me was when I re-read the early part of my Journal - and realised the things I've written about over the past couple of years of being here - and how much I've progressed in that time - honestly, I didn't realise how much I had written about my past and about my sister and my FOO - it's like I forget what I write, and then my inners tell me 'Don't tell them' 'Keep it to yourself' - but it's already written about - and nothing bad has happened - I've only felt compassion from people here - and understanding.  This has made me braver to speak to some friends IRL - and they have similarly been compassionate too - so I wish I'd been able to be open from a younger age - and that I'd not ended up passing through life trying to cope on my own, and not sharing things.

But it's not too late - I am in my early 50's now, and hopefully there are some decades left to enjoy a more balanced life perspective.

I can't believe that I'm writing this - because about an hour earlier, I was having a crisis of confidence, and feeling very over-whelmed - it's amazing how contrasting things can be.  Moment to moment. 


to everyone here - I am so grateful to be part of this community.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

Definitely some decades remain for you to enjoy.  You are seeing for yourself how much you have healed by just reading back on your earlier posts.  And your partner sounds great and so supportive.  You are succeeding on your job, even when it doesn't quite feel the same as you remember from previous work experiences.

You have a great deal about which to be proud.  Congrayulations!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog,
Thank you - I am so lucky to have my partner in my life - he is very supportive.  My work is going ok - I am adjusting to it, and in many ways it's better than past work experiences.  Thanks for your kind words - and I realy appreciate them.   

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Journal Entry on 30th January 2019
I had a horrible dream last night - where I thought my F had died - it was like I saw him very clearly - and it made me jump up and awaken, and my partner told me that I might even have jumped out of bed, but he couldn't be sure, as it was dark - but apparently I had said to him 'Can you give me a minute' - and then I had explained that I'd been shocked by dreaming that my F had died.  I still feel shaken by that.  I guess it's worse in that I won't probably know when something does happen.  Also, that I don't know what I would do at such news - even if I knew.

Anyway, today has been ok - I've had a relatively good day. 

I have some time off on Friday and also early next week - so I have a long weekend to look forward to - I am thinking of possibly taking some time away from the internet - and I would like to try to read some books and magazines - so I might not be around in here for a few days - I feel the need to relax and just 'be' with my inner parts - allowing them to communicate with me as they want to - and I think that taking a break will be a good thing.  Also, my partner mentioned that we could take some day trips over the weekend as well - so I am thinking that will be a nice thing to do. 

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope
I'm glad you seem to be past those efs
Look after yourself

[Three Roses]

Nothing to say, just  for you.

[Jdog]

   Great job coping with stresses, Hope.

[Andyman73]

Hi Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - Thank you so much for everything you wrote here - and I am glad you're part of this forum - thank you 

Hi Wattlebird - I appreciate what you said, and thank you 

Hi Three Roses - I always appreciate your hugs - thank you so much 

Hi Jdog - Thanks so much - I appreciate what you said.   

Hi Andyman - So lovely to return here to find such lovey big hugs from you 


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Journal Entry on 8th February 2019

I have had a break from technology - outside work-time that is, and it was really beneficial to me - but I missed being here in this forum, and it's good to be back.  I missed everyone here - but thought of you in my mind - which was helpful in many ways.

I am hoping to get back to some reading on the Dissociation book - hopefully will have a look at the next chapter over the weekend. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

I'm impressed with your ability to take breaks from technology. I wish I had your strength, I've just simply no idea what to do with myself at home in that case.

Glad to have you back though! 

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal, Thank you so much - I think that it might be because I'm older - and was used to there not being any technology when I was younger - that I cope with breaks from it now.  I'm not sure.  But I think it helps me a lot to take a break now and then - and so I do it - and find that I am calmer as a result.  I appreciate that you think it is a strength - I hadn't thought of it that way - thank you.     I'm glad to be back here - and missed everyone, even though I wasn't away all that long.  It felt like a longer time!

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Journal Entry on 9th February 2019

Now that the weekend is here and I have some time ahead of me that I can focus on things I'd like to do, somehow I am feeling a bit lost as to what to do and how to spend my time.  I have lots of housework stuff I could do, and there are also some things I've been putting off doing - that I could do.  But I don't feel like doing any of those things - and I'm experiencing that hollow kind of hopeless feeling inside - so I'm wondering which parts of me are communicating that.  I'm wondering what that part/parts need - and how I can hope to respond. 

I think I need to write more about my inner thoughts and feelings but there are resistant parts of me at the moment who aren't feeling comfortable with me doing that.  But I intend to overcome that - and hopefully write more when I can - so that's my hope - and I know it will help me to do so.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  I know those hollow feelings inside too.