Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy - yes, me too, it was a good suggestion and it worked.  Thank you again.   
Hi Blueberry - thanks 

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Journal Entry on 19th February 2019
I had a strange experience today - where I felt as if a door opened in my mind whereby I got in touch with a part of myself that was in limbo - it felt as if I reached the part of me that believes that she is on medication daily and feels as if she hasn't finished lots of work and things that she needs to do - but in a really distressful way, such that she feels like she's a failure and she just couldn't cope with things.  I've felt that part of myself before, and it's previously felt as if she is 'there' - but it's like I don't know if those things happened in reality or not.  Yes, I was on medication for probably about 3 to 4 years - I don't know exactly how long - and I had to take the medication daily - but in terms of not completing the work - I always did finish things.

Although I have quite a lot of traumatic memories relating to a past job that I had - and feeling that I couldn't keep going at the time, and had to leave - so maybe that is the unfinished things - feeling like I let people down there - because I couldn't cope - but there were so many factors at the time that contributed to me being unable to cope. 

Now I'm doing some work again, but in a far less pressured and less stressful environment, and with people who are more supportive and also welcoming too, and I'm working part-time for the first time in my life, and that's better as well.  I am coping, but I am also worrying sometimes that I am beginning to fall behind with things, and not manage to do things to the standard I'd like to - I think I am perfectionistic, so that doesn't help me.  I am my own worst enemy with regard to that.

I am digressing, because what I meant to write about here is the fact that I was triggered into experiencing that lost and in limbo part of myself who doesn't realise that life has moved on from whatever experience that she felt she couldn't complete - I really felt that I got in touch with her, and that I saw her for a moment - it felt as if a door slid open so I could see her.

***TW here - mentioning sexual and graphic things - although I will try not to mention anything overtly graphic.
Yesterday evening I watched a film that was very graphic sexually and had quite a lot of symbolism and psychological stuff within it - and it was frankly quite disturbing - but I watched it with my partner, and basically it caused us to later end up being intimate - and I think I dissociated for part of the time, but then I found that I was able to relax and I felt as if another window opened and a part of myself switched over to another part - I felt it happen.  I can't put this into words more than this, except that I felt more than I normally would, and eventually was able to convince myself that I'm safe and with someone who loves me, rather than having to dissociate in that experience.  This can happen for me, but I have to work very hard to remain present - and I did use some u-tube videos to help me with that - where they said to think of your intimate parts like a flower that deserves love etc and kindness.  Anyway, I am amazed at myself for writing about this, as I don't normally feel able to do that - it feels to intimate and I worry what people might think.  I'm avoidant I guess - and now I've written about it.

I already feel worried, and as if I should scrub out what I've written, but I won't.  It's out there. 

I've been feeling quite triggered also be things written in newspapters - and I'm trying not to focus too much on those things, but I worry about things that are happening in the world.

I was re-reading some of my sister's E-mails yesterday as well - and I thought back to how special it had felt during the months when we had started writing and things we'd shared about our experiences of our FOO - and sharing the differences too - and I was able to read the E-mails with a greater presence and felt more able to process things she had said.  I felt sadness as I continued reading, about the fact that we're no longer in contact, but when I reached the E-mails where she had been expressing some of her beliefs (which are quite different to mainstream beliefs and viewpoints), I then thought that I was better not to be involved with her anymore.  But it still saddens me. 

I need to go now as my partner is here, but I am glad to have written these things here.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Personally, I don't feel that what you wrote was too intimate... the more we share what works for us and how we deal with situations in a new and healthy way, the more helpful we will be for others who are struggling with the same issues. For me that's a huge part of the support I feel here - things that are taboo for discussion with "normal" people can be discussed and support given, here.

I have had a similar experience in "meeting" a part of myself - she was very young but when I invited her in, I regained some lovely, somatic memories of myself at that age (riding my bike past a house I used to love riding past; feeling the wind in my hair and the rush of speeding as fast as I could pedal). These are things that no one in my life has ever said they experience, too, so it feels very supportive to hear it from others! Thanks 

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses, I very much appreciate everything you said here, because it means a lot in many ways - I can't put it into words right now, but thank you.     When you wrote about riding your bike past a house and feeling the wind in your hair and the rush of speeding along, you reminded me of my own experiences riding my bike - when I was small - and how 'free' I felt in those moments - it was a lovely feeling.  Even being able to choose which road to ride down, and whether to turn left or right, it felt like freedom.  So thanks for reminding me of lovely moments from childhood - as there were some. 

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Journal Entry on 20th February 2019
I felt a bit down in my mood today - for quite a few chunks of the day - but I had things I had to do at work, and I managed to do them.  But the down feeling hung over me for much of the day and I couldn't think what had triggered it, but I didn't fight it either, I just wondered which part of me was feeling that way - and I welcomed that part to hang around, and feel those feelings - as long as they didn't stop me from getting things done.  It felt a bit like a pact of sorts and I did get through the day.

But maybe it's the effect of feeling things more than I normally do - and being in contact more with what I am feeling - I'm not sure.  It's ok though, as I am tolerating it.  I am trying to keep a sense of interest in what is going on - and what messages there might be from different parts of myself.

Hope 

[Jdog]

I agree with 3Roses about it not being too intimate to write those things here.  It is good to process things, and this is a safe place.  Since I am an active participant in the forum I definitely don't feel like a voyeur and never feel that what I read from others is too much for me to handle.  So, good job in lessening the dissociation during intimacy, Hope.

[Sceal]

Hi Hope!
Thank you for coming by on my journal, it meant alot.
Sounds like a very healthy approach to dealing with your emotions, letting them be but not letting them control you. 

Sending you a warm hug! 

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - thank you so much - what you said feels very validating and helpful to me.  I appreciate it.   
Hi Sceal - thank you also, very much - and I love the warm hug - and sending you one back 

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TW - Potential Triggers, as mentioning 'letting go' and some boundary issues and thoughts of anger etc - but nothing graphic described.
Journal Entry on 23rd February 2019
I have been able to let myself go a bit today - which is unusual for me - I put on some music - it was a Top 10 of Sia songs with the videos, and I literally found myself dancing alongside, and then I felt intense emotion whelled up in my body, and I actually found myself crying out loud and I also found that I wanted to express some feelings of anger via my body to my F - because the memory of dancing when I was little and him saying such horrible things to me about that - and also things he had done which had invaded my boundaries etc - and somehow Sia's music and the videos encapsulated what I took to be images and messages of crossed boundaries and emotional angst, and so my own memories and parts of myself responded - in particular there was a video called 'The Elastic Heart' - and showed a young girl dancing with her father - inside a cage.  I looked at meanings of those lyrics and video later, and some people spoke of it representing her relationship with her own father - and that he had had a mental issue of some kind and had been ill, and how she had tried to help him.  Anyway, the music was very emotive and I reacted to it.   I was able to dance and also express myself outwardly, as I was alone in the house - my partner had gone to see his family - and I had chosen to stay home and relax.  I might do something like that again, as I think it helped me to get some emotion out - and I had 'acted out' the feelings of anger by punching with my fists and kicking my legs a lot - and somehow getting that energy out - it was good.

I also feel as if I want to try to do a painting or a drawing - and that it could be something that Little Hope would like to do - because somehow I feel as if Little Hope needs to express her feelings about things, and I'm not sure how verbal she is - and maybe painting would be ok.  I have really got a fear of doing this, as I did paint once in a therapeutic kind of group session - just the one time, many years back, and it shocked me that I painted a torrent of stuff coming out of my mouth - and it shocked me.  So I am avoidant of it, and I am a bit scared of it, but somehow I feel stronger in a few ways at the moment, and feel that I could do it.  So maybe tomorrow - I might try it.

As a result of the emotional thing with the dancing earlier, I then felt a massive need to over-eat - and I did give into that - and now I've eaten too much.  I guess I was trying to comfort myself and replace some of the angst and feelings that I had experienced - I wish I hadn't overeaten, but it could have been worse. 

I have been 'blending' more with my angry feelings this past couple of days - and my partner told me I had been quite grumpy towards him a couple of times - and he's right, I was.  Infact I had realised it, and it had felt very alien and uncomfortable, and I also recognised that the way I had treated him was similar to how my M would have treated me - almost as if she was angry with me and annoyed that I was 'there' - and being grumpy to me for no particular reason - and similarly I had felt this way towards my partner, annoyed by his presence somehow.  Not a nice feeling at all, and I hate myself for having felt it - but thankfully it's not there today. 

He told me that I had been talking in my sleep again last night, but he couldn't work out what I had been saying.  I have no memory of that.  I think I had been dreaming about things, but I am not sure what they were.  But I think they were to do with past work situations.  But actual details haven't come back to me.

I hope I get some time tomorrow to do another chapter of the Dissociation book - I am keen to do that. 

I had been avoiding listening to music for quite some time, as I find it can be very evocative and open channels of emotion in me - but I am now thinking that I want to listen to it - and explore my feelings more and 'feel more'.  It feels like a push and pull kind of thing - in that I am avoidant, and then I am drawn to a flame - so it's not consistent, and it varies.  But I am going to explore what happens. 

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope
I'm so glad you post here, I can relate so strongly to your experiences, it's very reassuring, I was an art student once upon a time but I became so flustered at people's reactions to my work I ended up taking the feelings out of it. I was advised to get psychiatric help more than once, So I understand your fears, but lately I've found it very therapeutic. It's such a good way for me to focus on my parts it's helped me a lot.
I've been emotional this week as well, I really am uncomfortable but tolerating it ok.
Wattlebird 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,  I am glad that you post in this forum too - because I also relate very much to things you've said.  So thank you so much for your reply here - and what you said.  I'm glad that you find Art helpful for focusing on your parts - and I'm glad that you're managing to tolerate your emotion this week - I relate to what you're saying - it's tough.   

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Journal Entry on 24th February 2019
I have had quite a few things to get through today - as I did some social things today - and I do find those quite challenging at many levels, but I am glad that I managed to get through them, and I'm ok.  I didn't get chance to read my Dissociation book - so that was disappointing as I wanted to do that.   I don't feel up to it this evening - I am going to maybe do a dot-to-dot instead - as I've not done one for a while, and I find it calming.

I put a lot of weight on overnight - due to eating too much yesterday - so I don't want to do that again.  I must find a different way to tolerate my emotions than overeating, but it is hard sometimes.  I do comfort eat.  I know that.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

" I was able to dance and also express myself outwardly, as I was alone in the house - my partner had gone to see his family - and I had chosen to stay home and relax.  I might do something like that again, as I think it helped me to get some emotion out - and I had 'acted out' the feelings of anger by punching with my fists and kicking my legs a lot - and somehow getting that energy out - it was good."

Just wanted to applaud how you were able to feel and express your feelings. I think that was brave.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone - I really appreciate your coming by to say that - it's very kind of you - thank you - I really appreciate your cheer, and that you said you think I was 'brave' - thank you so much.   

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Journal Entry on 25th February 2019
I think I'm experiencing some flashbacks today - and am finding it difficult to know the triggers for them.  I'm trying to sit with the feelings, and observe which parts of my thoughts and feelings are affected by them, but I also feel some anxiety too - and that is disconcerting.  I just started to write this, and now I know what was triggering it - it was because my partner was late coming back - and I was waiting for him and trying to keep our meal from spoiling - and whilst I waited for him I had flashbacks to previous occasions when I was alone in my FOO's house - and I felt scared and abandoned - and I think some of those same feelings surfaced as a result of my partner's lateness.  I am really glad I came here to write about it, because I couldn't work out what it was, but now it's as if it's so clear - and I recognise why I feel that way.  I don't feel disconcerted by it now - and already I feel some relief.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

That's great that you were able to get to the bottom of the flashback so quickly and now don't feel disconcerted!

[Jdog]

Hope, I second Blueberry's comment!  Good work!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry & Jdog - thank you both - 

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Journal Entry on 28th February 2019
The last day of February - and March will be here tomorrow.  I can't believe how quickly this month has passed.  I really want to write some things - but I haven't quite got enough time at the moment, but I do hope to write more - hopefully on the weekend when there might be a bit more opportunity.
But as a reminder to myself, I am just going to write that last night I woke with a painful headache at the front of my head, and my left eye hurt quite a bit - and I want to remember that, as I want to write more about that, and thoughts I had about it.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

I'm always amazed at how you can start writing about something that you are stuck on and the solution shows itself, and you think why was I stuck on that its so obvious now!
Well done

[Jdog]

Hope-

May March bring more insights to you!  Happy first day of March!!