Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #555 on: March 02, 2019, 06:15:37 PM »
love those realizations!  sometimes they can open new doors, or at other times they can put an issue to rest.

i have the same thing that goes on, referring to the 'undulating' of coping from day to day.  some days, like today, i woke up believing i could conquer the world.  other days, i'm happy just to drag myself through it.

love and hugs, hope.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #556 on: March 04, 2019, 08:03:56 PM »
Hi SanMagic - thanks so much for the love and hugs, and for your validation too - I saw that you'd woken up feeling like you could conquer the world - so I hope that feeling stayed a while!  Sounds like a very good feeling.   :hug:

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Journal Entry on 4th March 2019
I had really wanted to write more on the weekend, but somehow I found I 'couldn't' - and I wondered why that was at the time, but it was literally as if parts of me weren't happy for me to write - but I was wrestling with the thought that I needed to write - so it felt quite limiting and restrictive that I couldn't do it.  I am here now - and hoping to just write and see what comes out - as I know I've had some realisations over the past few days - and in particular I had experienced some intense dreams - the content of which I only partially recalled - and sadly as I try to trawl through my mind to remember what I dreamed - here in the light of day - I can't remember the most of it!  But what I do remember is that I have some parts of myself that literally feel trapped - and don't know that life has moved on - and this resonates with what I've been reading in the Dissociation book. 

What have I realised?  I've realised that my experiences as a child were very limiting on my ability to cope with any form of 'ending' - and the fact is that my FOO moved me from school to school, and never explained things to me about why things happened - they never explained what they were dealing with, and why they moved me - they didn't explain what happened to my sister, and why she was in our life for a while and then disappeared - they didn't explain anything.  So how could I make sense of these things?  There was no way I could.  Instead, I felt some terror and some great sense of abandonment - and I think I actually ended up putting the reasons for those feelings onto the wrong things - like the film I watched when I was small - that scared me a lot - somehow many of the terrors of the unexplained things seemed to get hooked onto that in some way. 

My memories of my childhood, they are so fragmented, in that I see myself as 'different children' at different times - and very much contrasting characters - it's like I couldn't hold the same personality characteristics within the same body - it was like I fragmented into different characters and felt these separately in some ways.  There are parts of myself that I feel deeply ashamed about - because of things that I did that shock other parts of myself.  I think 'Could I have done that?'  'Was that really me?' - but I know that it was me, and I did those things, but why I did them - probably because I felt deprived of things that other children have - that I should also have experienced - but didn't.  I find it hard to put a name on what those things are, it hurts too much.

I hate the fact I had to lie about the truth of my childhood - that there were so many things about it that I couldn't say, and couldn't tell anyone.  I was hiding secrets on behalf of my FOO , and yet I didn't really know why - and I didn't know that things weren't right.  I was uncomfortable about many things, but essentially I thought it was the right thing to go along with what was expected of me.

I wish I had had some sense of independent spirit where I could have spoken out and talked to someone - but honestly, there wasn't anyone I felt I could trust - I could only trust in myself, and in many ways I've ended up following this my entire life - but I have opened up more to people in recent years - and being free from my FOO - in terms of being estranged from them, it makes it easier to be 'free' and to begin to work out who and what my roles in life are.

Interesting that my mind has 'gone blank' now - and I'm not sure what I want to say.  So maybe I'll stop there for now - at least I wrote something, as I've been wanting to.  I am also having flashbacks and being shown fragments from younger parts of me, who seem keen for me to talk about certain things - they were showing me some things yesterday - and I was trying to make a mental note to remember about it - to try to journal about it here, but as I try to recall those things today - I can't.  So again I find that the part of me that 'rubs things out' might have been at work on that. 

I have just remebered that last night whilst I was in that semi-conscious kind of between 'awake and asleep' state-  that I actually 'saw' a spider in my mind's eye - and it was very realistic.  I don't like spiders very much, but I wasn't worried about it, as I knew it wasn't real - it was just something I could see. 

Whilst writing this, there's a part of me saying 'They'll think you're mad for writing this' - but I'm ignoring that voice - and continuing to write.  It does help to write about this.  To get it out. 

My mind is blank again, so I'll stop writing for now.

Hope  :)


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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #557 on: March 05, 2019, 07:51:39 PM »
Journal Entry on 5th March 2019
I have been having quite a few EF's today - and have felt quite annoyed by them, as I can 'see' them clearer now - and realise more what is happening, and how my brain literally stalls and won't allow me to think clearly or move forward - it's like I get stuck, and I feel small, but what is interesting is that I am now beginning to feel a sense of annoyance about it - whereas before I would be more anxious and wondering what it was - or trying to understand the trigger.  So this is a change - and maybe another realisation. 

I was worried this morning when I realised that a new member of staff has joined my work place, and I'm not sure about him.  There's something about him that makes me uneasy.  But I can't put my finger on what it is, but I'm wary.  I don't want to pre-judge him either - but somehow my hypervigilance has already done this for me.  I need to hold back and see how things go. 

Potential TW - mentioning death (but nothing graphic) **

I also watched a TV programme today that upset me, as it had a scene in it where a woman died whilst holding her mother's hand - and I guess that really evoked some grief in me, that things are so different to how I thought they would be in my FOO. 

End of TW


I did cry after seeing that programme, and I told my partner why I felt like I did - which was good to share it.  He said he understood.  I thought it was good that I spoke the words aloud to him, as I don't often do that with my emotions, I will tend to feel them internally and not speak about them or label them.  But I think it's actually better to talk about them out loud - sometimes. 

I have accepted a social invitation for later this week - and I'm already feeling anxious about that, but I hope I'll be ok.  I usually cope - so hopefully I will cope.

I am very interested by the fact that my memories fro when I was 12 to 16 years of age seem to be very hidden - and there have been some snippets of memory returning - quite visual flashes of things, and I'm beginning to wonder about why those years were so hidden - as they are more recent years than the earlier childhood ones.  I feel like more of my parts are communicating with me - and I feel stronger, so maybe that's why they are doing so. 

I've been sitting thinking of what else to write, but my mind is blank, so I'll stop there.

Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #558 on: March 06, 2019, 07:18:31 PM »
i think you're wise to be wary of your new co-worker, hope.  people give off vibes, and we're very good at picking up on them.  i don't think it has anything to do with judging, but if there's something there that's sending off alarms, big or small, i think it's a good thing to heed them.  wait and see is a good strategy, to my mind.

interesting about those new parts making themselves known.  i wouldn't doubt that you're correct in that you're stronger now so it's safer for some of the hidden stuff to make itself known.  just pace yourself, ok?  it might be a temptation to rush yourself to get to know what's going on, but i believe you know how to do that at a safe speed.

love and hugs, sweetie.

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Three Roses

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #559 on: March 08, 2019, 04:52:27 PM »
:yeahthat:

I'm glad you're listening to your guts about this guy. And please be careful about uncovering buried memories from when you were younger, doing that without benefit of therapeutic help really did a number on my brain!  :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #560 on: March 09, 2019, 01:18:14 PM »
Hi SanMagic - thank you - it helps to hear you say that - and I like the 'wait and see' strategy regarding the co-worker - I've not seen him much this week - as he's been doing his induction training - but next week he is likely to be around - so I'll see how it goes.  I have been thinking a lot about 'pacing' and I'll write more about it in my Journal entry for today - but thank you so much for reminding me of that, as it's so important and I hear you.  'Safe pacing' is my intention.   Thank you so much for your support  :hug:

Hi Three Roses - Yes, I am going to be extremely careful - because I have been heeding your words and those of others, and I've just read something (which I'll talk about in a minute) that has also made me really think twice about rushing anything.  I really do appreciate your support - it means a lot.   :hug:

Journal Entry on 9th March 2019
I've really craved some time to be able to come here and write in this journal, as it feels like a safe place - and I know that people who read it are helpful and supportive, and that means more than anything.  So thank you if you are reading this, and anytime, I welcome comments or replies. 

Over Christmas and the months after that I had intended to do 'lighter' reading - and had got some children's books etc to do just that - and I did read some of those books - including 'The Little Princess' - which was actually quite emotional to read - as I realised that younger Hope had latched on to characters in that book and I realised some themes within the book that were significant.  Especially the 'doll' that had all the clothes made for it - and how my own M had made a doll for me - but whilst it looked good to see such a gift, it didn't represent loving care - it was more for show - and yet, even talking about this makes me feel ungrateful and like a spoiled child.  But I know I was none of those things.  Anyway...  what I also ended up reading was another book about someone's experiences of abuse - so it wasn't lighter reading at all - and it was a book by Ruth Dee called 'Fractured' - it has taken me about 3 months to finally be able to finish reading that book - and I have to say that the content of it was such that I've already blocked out the detail - i.e. part of me has rubbed bits from my memory already - the book was about someone with Multiple Personality Disorder - and her experiences - she was a child in the 1950's, so she's older than me, but the fact her life spans so many decades and I was alive for many of them - i.e. I was born in the late 1960's - it's interesting.  I really related to so many of her experiences and also how she was thinking and describing things.  She was able to work in a professional career, so she was similar to me - and she was able to enjoy a fulfilling relationship too with a loving partner - but even in the end, she fragmented quite a lot - and her description of how she interacted with various services that were meant to help her - it sounded really challenging and difficult. 

I don't think I have MPD but I do relate to some of the experiences she had - in terms of feeling various parts within, and losing track of time sometimes - through dissociation etc.  My partner comments that I am just not there sometimes - and he's right, I will be somewhere else in my my mind - and miss large parts of TV programmes etc.  On p.284 of her book she wrote about "I could see pictures, technicolour on orange, behind my closed eyelids"  "like a quickly moving film, but disjointed and out of order." - that describes the experience I have sometimes whilst trying to get to sleep at night, and when I'm not sure if I'm yet asleep or still awake.  I've used the term 'hypnogogic' kind of state, but in her book she mentioned visual and auditory pseudo-hallucinations.  I don't know what my experiences are, but what I do know is I related to much of what she wrote.

I think the resulting effect on me of finishing that book, was some fear - because I don't want to end up fragmenting like she seemed to do at the end of the book - she's ok - but she went through some really tough stuff - and I am fearful that it might happen to me too - if the circumstances were the same.  She had to seek help very assertively - and then her colleagues didn't really believe her at first about her diagnosis, because she had hidden it from everyone her whole life - relying on herself - that's what I do too.  Rely very much on myself.

Anyway, that book affected me quite a lot - I'm glad I read it, but it was so hard to get through it - and I struggled to stick with it - had to take quite long breaks inbetween reading - but I have read it and feel it was helpful.

But it scared me at the same time.

Trigger Warning - Mentioning CSA but in a non-graphic way:

This entry today is likely to be longer - and not necessarily making sense, as I have a few things I want to write about - and they don't necessarily follow on in any coherent order - but in the book that Ruth Dee wrote - she mentioned her own CSA, and she wrote about how she assumed she had been the only one of her siblings that it had happened to, and that her younger sister was ok.  But later, she spoke to her sister and the sister disclosed CSA as well - but Dee wasn't able to tell her sister that it had happened to her as well - and this made me think of my own Sister - and the fact that whilst I was in contact with her, I disclosed to her that I had experienced CSA from our F - and she mentioned that things he had done had crossed boundaries, but she hadn't experienced the same as me.  But it makes me wonder if maybe she didn't tell me everything.  Maybe because she was protecting me, or couldn't divulge her own experiences - but it also made me wonder that perhaps because our upbringings had been different - she had been brought up by our Grand-parents, then maybe she could 'fight' our parents, whereas I was kept as their prisoner - and could only 'freeze' and 'numb' myself.


I have been watching those videos that sj mentioned in the forum - by Irene Lyons too - I meant to say something about the fact I'd found them useful - I've watched 2, and she talks of how people numb themselves and can't feel things the same way - and how trauma is trapped in the body - this reflects the things I've read in other books - I can't remember the authors names now - but Peter Levine comes to mind and the one who wrote about Trauma and the Body - who has a different name.


I feel really upset as I'm writing this - which is unusual, as normally I am feeling dissociated when I write, and often it's only been when I read things back that I 'feel' the emotion - but I actually feel upset whilst I write this - which makes me think I'm beginning to 'feel more' - and process things a bit differently than I have done in the past.


I have been considering whether I should seek therapy - but I would have to pay for it myself, as I have no faith in the local services - and I could approach the person I saw privately before - if she was still available, but I am actually concerned that she might consider me a bit 'mad' - honestly I do think she might think that.  I know I'm not - but I have no idea how she would consider the things I think and how I frame things.    If I was to have therapy I'd want to be open and honest, but there are massive parts of me that say 'No, don't trust them' - because they can't help you. 

I'm wondering if I got Irene Lyons name right or not - I wonder where that name comes from if not.  I hope its right.

Something that also upset me was that someone had been talking in an article in a newspaper about hand-writing and how curled letters on some letters could represent narcissism.  It reminded me that when I was a small child, my F told me that it would be good if I could copy the way he wrote certain letters, because that would be following his legacy and doing as he did - he didn't use those words, but I presume that's what he meant - and so I did write that way - and still do - and yet that says to someone who analyses hand-writing that a person is narcissistic - and yet I was purely doing something because I was 'expected' to - and was moulded to what someone wanted.  That makes me angry in some ways. 

I won't write anymore now, as I feel I've said sufficient to get these things out of myself and here in this place, which I consider to be a safe and good place to share things. 

Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #561 on: March 10, 2019, 01:03:42 PM »
Journal Entry on 10th March 2019
I felt better for writing so much yesterday - I felt like I needed to get those things out - and write them in a place that is supportive - and it cleared my mind in some ways.  I want to write a couple of things today - to remember them - and one is that I am intending on watching the Michael Jackson documentary about 'Neverland' - but my partner has already said that he doesn't want to watch it, so I am waiting for a time when I can do so by myself - and I am also hoping that I'll cope with watching it.  I often 'seek out' documentaries and books that are about other people's experiences, so it's not that I'm worried about myself - but I don't want to overload myself - and so I'm going to pace myself and hope to watch it when I feel ok to do so. 

The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I summarised several chapters from the Dissociation book, and I've recently re-read the copyright part at the start of that book, and it say that "For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to …." - and I didn't do that.  I don't know if I have breached their copyright by the summary of the chapters that I've done in the other part of this forum.  I'm worrying about it now.  But I've seen others do similar things, and so maybe it's ok?  I don't know.  I'm in a dilemma about it. 

Also, I was thinking that I don't feel able to continue the summarising - and I wanted to keep going through the book, but for some reason I feel like I 'can't do it' - and I don't know if that's some other parts of me who are putting their feet down to stop me - because I think that there are patterns that I repeat which might 'hold me' in a particular place - i.e. I fear going for therapy because maybe that will be outside my comfort place - and I won't cope - and similarly, maybe really processing something will have a similar effect.

I think I could be putting obstacles in my own way - a form of self-sabotage perhaps, and that's what's bothering me here.  But I am aware of it, so that's a good thing. 

This morning when I woke up, I felt as if there was a part of myself which is quite 'organised' and knows what she is doing had woken with me - because I already had some things in mind that I would do today - and I have done some of them.  So I feel good about that. 

I have some things to think about - and I will do some thinking about them.  I'll stop writing for now.

Hope  :)

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Wattlebird

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #562 on: March 10, 2019, 03:05:59 PM »
Hi hope,
I have similar fears with my therapist, actually whether I'm "crazy" or not is a common theme she continually reassures me, but I still still doubt whether she really believes that but this is a reflection of my own beliefs not hers, I think that this is very common with dissociative disorders, you fear yourself.
I've been watching some DID utube vids about people's experiences with DID and there seems to be a big cross over of symptoms with cptsd anyway think I'm raving. That dissociation book you just got explains well.
I'm glad your a bit better today
Not sure bout the copyright, seems a valid point though.
Best wishes
Wattlebird

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #563 on: March 11, 2019, 12:11:14 AM »
Hi Hope,

I don't always respond, but appreciate your honest writings.

". . .but I am actually concerned that she might consider me a bit 'mad' - honestly I do think she might think that." I can't tell you how many times my therapist has reassured me that he doesn't think I am crazy. Also have the voice in my head saying, "Don't trust him." Then I usually tell him what the voice is saying and he tells me that part is trying to protect me. Sending you a safe hug.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #564 on: March 11, 2019, 07:56:48 PM »
Hi Wattlebird - your reply helps me a lot - as you have validated my fears - and I also found it interesting what you said about the cross-over of symptoms of CPTSD and DID - I don't think you're raving, you sound coherent and sensible to me.   :)  My new Dissociation book hasn't arrived yet - but hopefully soon.  I'm not sure if I'll dive straight into it, or whether I might try to keep going with the other one first - I don't know yet.  I was feeling quite over-whelmed the other day with it, but I feel somewhat better today.  But of course that could change by tomorrow.  I don't know.  I won't have sufficient time to get to it till the weekend, most likely anyway.  Regarding the copyright thing, I think I'll just be a bit more succinct when I'm commenting on bits, and that way I won't be taking huge chunks - I think - I don't know what to do yet.  Best wishes to you Wattlebird  :hug:

Hi Notalone - thank you so much for coming over and commenting, and I really appreciate what you said.  It's very validating that you have experienced similar and your therapist has been reassuring many times about it.  Also, you mentioning the voice in your head saying 'Don't trust him' and how that's a protective thing - I think you're right.  It sounds like that part of you is trying to protect you - and I relate to that very much, from my own perspective.  Thank you also for the safe hug, and I hope you don't mind my extending one back to you  :hug:

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Journal Entry on 11th March 2019
Possible TWs in this entry today - as mentioning CSA related things - but nothing graphic mentioned.
My partner was late back today - and I had chance to watch some of the Michael Jackson documentary - but I realise I had an older one than the one that people had mentioned here in the forum - I had one about his past Legal history and what had happened in the past regarding that, so it wasn't the footage showing the two men who are recounting their experiences.  So I've not watched the same thing that others have talked about, but I still found watching it to be quite triggering - and I also wondered how I can go through life and somehow not be so 'aware' of things - it seems to me that I've lived quite a lot of my life ins some kind of protective bubble, where I just don't feel things - but I suppose that is what dissociation does - makes things seem unreal and synthetic somehow. 

Irene Lyon had a 15 minute exercise to do which was focusing on my self and my environment and I tried it out - and found that part of me couldn't stick with it at all - and I ended up crying - it was like that part of me was really upset about the whole thing and couldn't contain that emotion - it just came out. So that frightened me a bit.  I think the exercise was supposed to be a 'simple one' that would be to learn to focus and be grounding, but somehow it disturbed one of my younger parts a lot.  I was able to focus on things better later, and I am interested by what happened.

For some reason I am thinking that I would like to read the book 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' as I have been drawn towards that book - by some smaller part of me, so now I need to find the book - maybe from the library if it's there.  I know that my sister was kept in the attic and in the wardrobes for part of her time - as a form of punishment by our parents, and somehow the contents of that book remind me of that time, as I was very small at the time, and I don't think I ever finished the book - as I couldn't ever read through till the end very often - but the Ice Queen (was she in that?) comes to mind, and makes me think of my NM.

End of TW.


I feel very apologetic as I write this, as it seems very insignificant somehow - these things, but they mean a lot to the smaller parts of me, and to me as an adult too.  I know that I minimise things, and I basically don't see their true significance - I can't feel the true meaning of things as I should do.   Sometimes I feel things very strongly though - and emotions are stark and very potent at such times.  But other times it literally feels like I'm in a fairy tale - i.e. is it really real?

My partner surprised me today as he told me that he thinks that I don't realise when people are treating me badly.  He said he is surprised by how I have kept in touch with some people whom he feels aren't really good friends at all - he is surprised by that, but I explained to him that because I was torn away from so many friendships and relationships over the year - by my FOO who moved me around so much, it meant that when I could have control about keeping in touch, then I did.  For many years in some instances.  Even as I was talking to him about it - when he mentioned that he understood my fear of losing touch with people - I found a very strong and visceral reaction in myself - which happens whenever there are any words associated with 'loss' or the ending of a relationship.  It is a very deep hurt - that is really strong inside.

I will stop writing now - as I can't think of anything else I want to say just now.  It was good to write though.

Hope  :)



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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #565 on: March 12, 2019, 12:41:36 AM »
"The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" is one of my favorite stories. If you read it, I hope it is a lovely escape for you, and not triggering because of your sister's experiences.

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Wattlebird

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #566 on: March 12, 2019, 11:05:43 AM »
The lion the witch and the wardrobe
The story of kids escaping their life into a fairy tale land, I think the attraction is in the whole similarity with our stories.
Maybe start with a smaller time frame for introspection like 2 minutes, reassure the little hopes and ease into it.
It's good progress that you are starting to recognise your emotional reactions to loss. Don't apologise, it's your journal, it also helps others to think about their reactions to similar situations.
I've never heard of Irene Lyon I'll have to look her up

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #567 on: March 12, 2019, 06:44:01 PM »
Hi Notalone - I am anticipating it will be a mix of things to read the book - but the fact I feel drawn to it at this time is something I'm going to react to - and I will try to get the book - my library does have it, and it's available, so as soon as I can get there to take it out - I will do so - hopefully so I can enjoy it on the weekend.  Lovely that it's also one of  your favourites.  I doubt that I ever read it to the end, as I never seemed to be able to finish many books - but I hope to finish it this time. 

Hi Wattlebird - I only heard of Irene Lyon because there was a post about her recent 'free videos' - one that sj put up in the forum.  I found them interesting but I am not sure I'll be going further, as she has a package of therapy (online based) that seems quite expensive - and if I was going to pay that much, I might prefer face to face therapy - so it's made me think quite a bit about my priorities in life currently.    I appreciate the supportive suggestion you made about easing my little Hopes into a smaller time frame for introspection - regarding reading the book -  will certainly try to do that.  Thanks also for reminding me that I'm recognising my emotional reactions to loss - as it helped me to name it in that way.  You're right, it's my journal, and I should own it, not apologise. 

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Journal Entry on 12th March 2019
My book has arrived - Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation.  Interesting that it was a paperback rather than a hardback - yet it cost the same kind of price as the other version that was a hardback - somehow that doesn't make sense, but I won't complain...  Just commenting.  Or maybe I am complaining - interesting...

Regarding work - I have felt a bit disconcerted that my colleagues seem to like the new guy (the one I feel uneasy around) - and so I am now wondering what it is that makes me feel that way around him.  Actually there is one other person who admitted to me that she feels uneasy - as I did comment to her about it, but the others seem to be quite keen to be incredibly friendly and warm to him - I am going to keep my caution, until I find out more about how things go. 

I have a short week at work, as I am having a long weekend off, so I am looking forward to that.  I am keen to get to the library to get the book (The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe) and I am also keen to perhaps read more of my Dissociation book - although I am still wondering whether to stick with the 'Treating' book or start the 'Coping with' version.  Even as I write that, I think I want to launch into the 'Coping with' version - as that will be fresh and I can see what it's like.

Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #568 on: March 17, 2019, 08:39:21 AM »
Journal Entry on 17th March 2019
I am intending to write more today - because I feel as if I want to finish this second Journal (as it's got quite long) and start a fresh one - and therefore, at the same time, I would like to perhaps try to summarise some of the Realizations I've come to - and then start the new Journal with my hopes for the future days.   Consequently - if I have sufficient time today - and if the words will come - I am hoping to write more - but of course that will depend on how the day goes - I have some things that I'll call 'obligations' that I need to fulfil as well - but I hope to carve out time for myself to write here as well.  I have already been thinking about Reflections and Realizations in my head, over this past few days.  So I think I could write quite a bit, providing parts of me don't stop me.  I was experiencing quite a few EF's yesterday - and my brain wasn't working properly at all - but I feel better (in that respect) today.  So I'll hope to be back later, and write more then. 
Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #569 on: March 17, 2019, 09:22:29 AM »
Summary of Realizations and Progress Re: Befriending My Parts.

17th March 2019

Firstly, I will copy and paste what I wrote at the start of this journal, to remind myself:

On 12th May 2018 I wrote:

"So, for the start of this Journal, I am going to highlight some of my aims, which are basically notes I've taken from Janina's book, and are as follows:

I hope to:
* Develop and form internal attachments relationships to my young selves
*Be mindful of conflicts, ambivalence, or confusion = manifestations of struggles between parts
*Build empathy and attunement to the parts
*Overcome self-alienation
*Mindfully scan my body and feeling states for the communications from my fragmented selves
*Adopt or come to love the hurt, lost and lonely parts
*Develop self-compassion and awareness
*Befriend my parts and earn their trust
*Try to develop the following qualities as antidotes to the painful experiences suffered by exiled child parts: Curiosity; Clarity; Creativity; Calm; Courage; Confidence; and Commitment. 
* Aim to help my adult self to grow those 'C' qualities listed above, to help the child parts learn to turn to a 'self-led' wise adult self who can reassure their fears and loneliness.

I am also noting the following from the book, as helpful:
"Traumatic events - encoded as implicit emotional and physical states, rather than encoded in the form of chronological narrative.  Disowning the "not me" or trauma-related parts and the ability to function without awareness of having been traumatized.  Assume that all distressing thoughts, feelings and body responses are communications from trauma-related parts".

Tip: Notice the parts' distressing emotions and unsafe impulses and regulate them, rather than react to them."

I’ve copied and pasted the above from the start of this journal.  I am going to try to summarise some of my realisations and think about what has changed for me over the past 10 months, since I started this second Journal.

I’m not sure if I have really been able to identify who all the different parts of me are, in terms of giving them a specific name – they are more a ‘sense of’ kind of experience – but I can identify that they are ‘there’ and they are with me often. 

Pre-verbal Parts of Me:

I feel sure there are some pre-verbal parts of me – who express their pain and isolation by way of pains that I can get in my head, tension in my throat, etc – and I feel as if it’s related to parts of me who can’t communicate directly – they literally don’t have words.  Whenever I experience a horrible sense of fear and distress, I feel that I’m in an EF relating to the past – and a very young and frightened part of me.

Angry/Fiery Part of Me:
I’ve come in contact more recently with a very angry and fiery part of me – she will use swear words regularly and say things that are shocking to other parts of me, and she will fight physically.  Thankfully this never materialises to be a physical thing – i.e. I never fight or kick out or anything, but I feel like she is doing so.  An example of this can be when someone is too close to me, and she will want to hit them and push them away.  Thankfully a calmer part of me is able to keep me focused to know that I’m safe and that the person that is close by isn’t going to actually hurt me (which is usually the case – they are safe).

Parts Stuck in Limbo:
There are parts of me that feel stuck in limbo somewhere – it’s like they are helpless and they don’t know how to do things.  This does seem to end up affecting my life – as I have horrible situations where I buy things and never use them – because basically I fear that I’ll mess it up, or not know how to use it, or feel as if I can’t do it. 

I am stuck regarding creativity – I want to write, draw, paint – so many things, but I feel stuck and I feel as if I can’t do these things.

Coping Parts of Me, But Feeling Shame (My Own Worst Critic):

Regarding work, I had a professional career for many years, and I did cope (although it was tough at so many levels), but in the end, circumstances (which were traumatic in themselves) built up and I finished working.  I then did voluntary work for a while, but then stopped that as well – now I have recently started working again, but it is a different job altogether from my previous profession, it is not paid particularly well – and I am part-time.  But, I am working,and I feel good about that, but I also have feelings of disappointment and shame that I couldn’t keep my career and profession going – that I had to change and do something else.  That I couldn’t cope in the end.  I can be my own worst critic sometimes, so maybe I am being over-harsh on myself.

Kind/Helpful Part of Me: (Like A Saviour or Protective Role?)

Another part of me is trying to make me feel better here, by saying - “But you did cope, and you did it longer than a lot of people would have done” - so I am recognising there’s a helpful part of me that tries to bolster my ego, and make me feel better.  She is kind and helpful, and she does that for other people too – or tries to – she hopes to be helpful and kind, without overstepping boundaries (I’m thinking of that because of a discussion I was reading between 2 members of our forum – which resonated with me) – I hope Three Roses and SanMagic won’t mind my mentioning them here, but what you both said about boundaries was so helpful.  I sometimes feel that my replies to other people in the forum might be overstepping a boundary – but I can see from your interchanges about this, that people often set their own boundaries, and how can we know when we overstep something.  We can only do our best at the time to do what we feel is right, and the other person can communicate and say how they feel. 

I need to take a break now, but I’ll come back.  I feel I want to write a lot today.

Hope :-)