Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #570 on: March 17, 2019, 01:04:50 PM »
Back again, and it was interesting that having written those things, that awakened the other parts of me:

Critical parts:
Those parts who tell me that I shouldn’t be writing about things – or sharing my experiences, that I’m silly or stupid and not good enough etc etc  Thankfully I don’t listen to those parts, because essentially I tell them that it’s ok – I can write things and nothing bad will happen.

This then reminds me of other parts that I’ve not mentioned yet:

Punitive parts: (potential TW - mentioning violence, but in non graphic way)
They are the ones that if they see danger they actually make me think of the potential of it – but in a way that says ‘You might put that knife in your body’, or ‘You might drink that unsafe liquid’ - I am just thankful that I’ve never acted on those kind of thoughts, but I know that sometimes in the past I would ‘accidentally’ cut myself with a knife whilst cutting up vegetables or bread, and I think it was almost like there was part of me that wanted to hurt myself.  I have never hurt myself – and I don’t act on these thoughts.  But they are there, and quite frequently.  ***End of TW

Thankfully I also have some lovely happy parts:

Happy/Young Hope:
She is very small, and she giggles and enjoys the beauty of nature and even the water in the shower delights her – there are times when she surfaces and I am so happy for her existence in my life, as during moments when she shows me things, then I feel very happy.

Teenage/Taciturn Hope:
She is angry – and relates to the other parts I described before. 

Coping with Real Life/Sensible Hope:
She is present quite a lot of the time, and helps me to do things – and cope with work situations and other things like that.  She is knowledgeable and also sensible, and she can be very organised.

Messy/Hopeless Hope:
She lives within me too – and she just can’t get organised, and she loses hope that she can.  I think she literally doesn’t know how to do things – or feels as if she’ll be told off for doing it wrong, so what’s the point of even trying to do it. 

Perhaps a Part of me that I feel Ashamed of:

Full of herself Hope - she thinks she's very good at things, and she tends to get me into trouble if she leads my 'will' - because she can do things on the spur of the moment, and she has led me to do things that seem vastly out of my character (to the rest of me).  I have to keep her in check, and usually try to manage this by not making decisions until I've slept on them, just incase - as I can't afford to let her make decisions for me.


******  I feel as if people will look at what I've written and think 'she's mad' - but I know that it's something that is experienced by people who have C-PTSD - and having read about it, I feel finally able to write about it in this way.  It's taken me a long time to do this - and to feel ok to do this.  At least it's anonymous - noone knows me here - I don't talk about most of this to people who know me, although my partner is aware of how I think about things, and I am so glad that he sticks with me, and that he doesn't detatch from me.  He is so accepting of me as a person, and that has helped me to be more comfortable with beginning to understand what makes up the different elements of my personality, and my being.


I need another break - as I feel already I've said a LOT.

Hope  :)


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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #571 on: March 17, 2019, 05:14:51 PM »
Hi Hope,

I just want to say that I think the 'parts' way of thinking is very helpful. I've used it myself a little in the recent past. It can really help explain a lot of the thoughts that flit around unbidden. I don't think you're mad  :)

SaB

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #572 on: March 17, 2019, 07:04:41 PM »
Hi SaB - Thank you so much.  I appreciate you saying you don't think I'm mad, and also that you feel that 'parts' is a helpful way of thinking too.  Glad to hear you've used it a little in the recent past, and it's good to know that.

**********
So, to think a bit more about any further Realizations or thoughts I'd like to add today - the only remaining Parts I can think of include:

The Rubbing Out Part
This part has the tendency to literally 'erase' or 'rub out' my memories - and I've noticed that it does it for my sexual experiences most often.  But also any experiences I have that impact on my self-esteem or ego - i.e. it happened once when a friend of mine ended up going out with a guy I had liked - that memory was rubbed out for some years before I then recalled that it had happened.  So it doesn't have to be particularly distressing things that appear to be rubbed from my memory.    Of course, I am also never sure if the memories were stored properly in the first place or not, because the other thing I experience is dissociating on a regular basis, and therefore maybe I'm just not storing the memories in the first place.  Being in a 'different place' in my mind - or maybe even just in a different compartment of my mind.

This brings to mind the imagery that I feel - where I think there's a part of me that is 'stuck' in a situation where she believes she has to take medication regularly, and she doesn't understand why.  This comes back to me quite regularly - but doesn't quite fit my actual experience.  I have taken medication for a few years, in the past - in terms of anti-depressants, but somehow the experience feels quite a heavy one, and one that I don't totally relate to. 

A disturbing past nightmare that I used to have - about giant flying moths - is one that I kept having into my mid 30's age-wise, and had had it throughout my childhood.  But this doesn't happen anymore, so that is a change.

Regarding some improvements:

Being estranged from my FOO - it has helped me.  Although I continued to ruminate about them on an almost obsessive kind of way for quite some years, but the frequency of thoughts about them is so much less frequent now.  So that has improved.  I am still affected by anxious thoughts about their well-being though - and feeling as if I've been a 'bad' daughter.  But I try to counter this.  Essentially they were lacking quite a bit in terms of their parenting ability - very over-controlling, and with little empathy for my situation.  Well, basically lacking empathy really.

I hope to list a few Realizations:

I've realised that I read a lot about C-PTSD and Dissociation and CSA, but I don't 'stay' with a topic for too long, as I then find that there are parts of me that want to 'avoid' it.  But I am trying to keep on subjects.

I was triggered the other day by the E-mails from Irene Lyons (whose videos I had subscribed to because they were free) and now she's trying to get people to join up and pay quite a lot of money to do a 12 week course (which is online) but which costs a substantial amount of money - although I guess compared to one-to-one therapy - maybe it's not so bad...?  But she has E-mailed me a few times, and somehow I have felt as if I'm being 'chased' - I think it was something triggering about it.  I was a bit afraid, and it made me feel small, so I think it was part of an EF that I was having - which was happening yesterday.  I had found one of her videos to be a bit disconcerting as I'd got in touch with some grief feelings and been crying - but yet it was supposed to be a relaxing video - she did say that intense emotions could come up - and they did.  What scared me about it - was that I'd only watched her 3 videos plus that shorter one, and somehow the Little Hopes had grasped to the thought that she was a caring and good person that I could be helped by.  Yet then later, E-mails from that person were coming frequently and she was quoting her past students etc, who had been helped by the course, and it reminded me of marketing ploys that are undertaken by people who don't necessarily care - they just want to sell something.  I feel angry about this, and yet I was frightened by it too.

I wanted to write about this situation, as I think it reflects how difficult I find it to seek help from a therapist - even in the situation of one that is online, and I've not even had real face to face contact with - just in terms of the reactions from different parts of me to that interpersonal situation.

Realisation - I haven't been able to pluck up the courage to see my new GP yet - and this worries me for the time when I might need to see her.  The part of me that rubs out memories, won't let me even remember her name at the moment!  I feel a bit stupid not to be able to remember my own GP's name.  But I've not actually met her, so there's nothing to remind me of her.

I'm hoping to continue to complete my realisations in the next couple of days, as I have a couple of days off work, so I can hopefully think more - and then when I've thought of my next steps and focus for the new Journal, I will start it, and have some goals in mind for how to proceed.

I think I've stressed myself out a bit by writing so much today - but I think that's just because I wrote so much.  It's been good to write it, but a bit scary at the same time, and I feel a bit bad for writing about Irene Lyons E-mails - afterall, I subscribed, and I can stop them if I want to.  I wanted to mention it from the point of view of how I've ended up feeling, interpersonally - and the potency of that.  That is why I fear getting too close to a therapist.  There are too many parts of me in conflict about trusting someone.

Realisation: I do trust people however!  I trust my partner, and a couple of my friends.  So that is good.

I had hoped to get 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' from the library to enjoy reading this weekend, on my days off - but I didn't manage to get it yet.  So maybe I'll go tomorrow - I'd like to read it.

Realisation: I value this forum and the people here very much.   :grouphug:

I'll stop writing now and hope to be back in the next couple of days to finish off - before then starting my new Journal.

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #573 on: March 17, 2019, 08:28:39 PM »
Hope,
I applaud you and the hard work you've been doing.  :applause: You've had many significant insights. I understand about parts and would like to send all your parts, who are comfortable with it, a big hug.  :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #574 on: March 18, 2019, 08:18:02 AM »
Hi notalone - thank you so much  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Three Roses

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #575 on: March 18, 2019, 03:34:25 PM »
Quote
But she has E-mailed me a few times, and somehow I have felt as if I'm being 'chased' - I think it was something triggering about it.

I had the same reaction! I feel validated knowing someone else has, too, so I'm going to take myself off her mailing list. Just further indication it takes someone trauma-informed to help us, not someone whose goal is just to sell her own product. There are plenty of caring, trauma-informed therapists, and I know I need to find one, but this gal is not the one.

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Anjulie

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #576 on: March 18, 2019, 05:55:17 PM »
Quote
But she has E-mailed me a few times, and somehow I have felt as if I'm being 'chased' - I think it was something triggering about it.

Same over here.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #577 on: March 18, 2019, 08:02:05 PM »
Hi Three Roses and Anjulie - Hearing that you both have experienced similar feelings about this is extremely validating for me, as I did feel a bit bad about naming her and expressing my feelings - but I think at the same time, it was good that I was able to recognise my feelings on this, and speaking up about them, that was actually something that felt better for me once I had done so.  So thank you both for sharing your thoughts too.

********
Journal Entry on 18th March 2019
I have had a day off today - and I have another one tomorrow (yay!) - but today I ended up going to bed for a lot of the afternoon - and was incredibly thoughtful during my dozing - I ended up thinking about my life and some periods of it that have been less clear - and I was able to begin to process some of those gaps, and put some pieces in place - here and there - and whilst I was doing that - I felt incredibly sad - really felt that I got in touch with some grieving parts of myself - but in a way that felt tolerable, rather than overwhelming.  So I think it was ok - and I'm glad I spent the time in that way.  Normally I would have been berating myself for 'not doing' other things - and feeling ashamed and self-critical about it, but this time, I just allowed myself to take that time and just let my thoughts go where they wanted to go.

I feel ok right now - right at this moment, and I am keen to consider further my reflections on my Journal and the last few months - and I hope to come back tomorrow and write more.  I am feeling incredibly self-focused this past few days - and feel I'm neglecting other things - and also people in my life - but it feels like I need to focus on myself in order to be clear of my direction for the next few weeks - I know once I get back to my work on Wednesday - that I won't get chance again till the weekend - most likely - so I want to really make the most of this weekend.  I am aware that I was feeling over-whelmed last week - in many ways - and so trying to structure and reflect, it feels like the thing I need to do.

Strangely when I think about reading my newest self-help book - the "Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation" - I am then feeling 'stuck' and haven't started it - it's as if there's a resistance to that, and I am listening to that at the moment, and going with the flow or what I am feeling more comfortable to do.

I was talking to my partner about 'inner voices/internal thoughts' today - and trying to find out If he also experiences things similar to what I experience - I told him I have a few different voices/internal thoughts - rather than just one or two - he said he thinks he has a couple of them.  This makes me wonder if maybe everyone has them.  I wish there was a way we could know what each others experiences are truly like.  People rarely talk about those things - in my experience.  But that's probably because we might worry what others might then think.  I don't know.

It did worry me that I wrote about my parts in more detail over the weekend - and I felt ashamed of the part that I call 'Full of it Hope' - as I do worry sometimes about whether there is a narcissistic side to her - but to be honest I rarely experience the feelings of being really good at something - although even as I say that, I know I am quite good at things that I apply myself to - but a lot of the time I feel as if I don't measure up to things, and I'm lacking.  It's a real mismatch of confidence versus a sense of being self-effacing. 

I hope that I'll get more things done tomorrow on my day off, as although I spoke of not minding the fact I slept and dozed this afternoon - I would also like to be a bit more productive tomorrow.

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #578 on: March 19, 2019, 02:59:29 PM »
". . .but in a way that felt tolerable, rather than overwhelming.  So I think it was ok - and I'm glad I spent the time in that way.  Normally I would have been berating myself for 'not doing' other things - and feeling ashamed and self-critical about it, but this time, I just allowed myself to take that time and just let my thoughts go where they wanted to go."

 :applause: Good for you. Glad you were able to be kind to yourself.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #579 on: March 19, 2019, 06:13:18 PM »
Thank you notalone - I appreciate your words and I think you're right, I was kind to myself, and that was an ok thing to do. 

************
Journal Entry on 19th March 2019
I haven't managed to do very much today - but I did go to the library and got out the book 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' and I am happy to have it - so I can hopefully read it in the coming days. 

I had hoped to complete my Reflections and Realizations list, but to be honest, writing about my parts in the past couple of days - it resulted in more critical parts of myself having a bit of a field day - and telling me off for doing so - but there were other parts that felt proud of the fact I managed to do it - as it's taken quite a while to get to that point where I can describe them more fully.  I thought I would have ended up giving them actual names, but that didn't seem right somehow - I could only describe them by attributes that had come to mind, and in my head they feel as if they are different ages.

I feel more rested though - and I feel good for having dozed and slept a bit yesterday - through the afternoon.  It was good for me, and it felt ok - and I realise that I was more in touch with emotions than  I normally would be.  I think that is a realization that I can relate to - that I am able to be in touch with emotions now - whereas before I was stuck in some dissociated state or maybe derealization to a great extent - where it felt unreal and as if I was looking in on things, and not really being part of them.

I'm quite grateful for the ability to have done that, and to have been like that - because I think it protected me - it was a defense against realising the truth of things - and whilst grown-ups around me (my FOO) kept things from me and wouldn't admit/tell me the truth about things, so I was protected by various parts of me that felt I needed to be kept back from the truth.

I feel as if I'm talking in riddles, saying this - but it does make some sense to me. 

I'm going to continue a little longer with this Journal, before starting the next one - because I want to have a better idea of my goals going forward, and so far, I'm not yet sure of my direction.  So, I'll wait till I'm ready to start the new journal and then I'll list my hopes and objectives - if I'm able to articulate them clearly enough. 

Hope  :)