Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

Started by Hope67, May 12, 2018, 06:46:09 PM

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SharpAndBlunt

Hi Hope, I hope you have a great day today  :)

SaB

Hope67

Hi SaB,
My day was good thanks - I hope you also enjoyed yours.    :thumbup:  (I've never used that emoticon before, I hope it means 'good')

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Journal Entry on 25th March 2019
I'm not enjoying the fact that there are adverts for M's Day coming on the TV and on the internet - it isn't nice to be reminded of that - I will be glad when next weekend is over, but at the same time I'm not wanting to wish my days away - as I do think they are precious - each day, each hour.  I just think that there will be expectations from other people for next weekend - not my own FOO, but my partner's family - and I find it tough each and every year to go through that - because I feel like I always pretend on the outside that I'm ok, but actually internally I don't feel ok - and the thing is that I am getting more in touch with my emotions now, which means I am feeling more things.  I think that's progress in many ways, but it is tough to feel things. 

I read what Libby wrote this morning - and I wanted to reply to her - but she wrote in someone else's Journal, so I didn't want to intrude there - but Libby - if you happen to read this, I want you to know that I really felt for the fact you had been through so much - I didn't realise you'd broken your arm, and that no one had helped you.  That's horrible. 

I feel very emotional at the moment - and I worry that I sometimes intrude - and say things where I might not do the right thing.  Sometimes, I feel more confident, and other times - I feel I lack confidence completely - there are so many contrasting feelings wrapped up in all of this.

Sometimes I read what other people write - here in the forum - and I think that you all sound incredibly grown-up, and that I am very small and don't understand things - but I know I'm a grown woman. 

I haven't been reading any self-help books lately - and somehow it's like the part that rubs things out comes along and closes the chapters, and then I can't remember where I had got to - or the thread of what I was doing - and I despair that I'll lose my direction.  I want to focus on my summarising of where I've got to in the past 10 months - the duration of this second Journal - and I did begin the process, but then some events happened last week - and I was thrown out of synch with it. 

I'm planning to just get through the week and cope with the weekend and M's Day - and then I'll hope to re-focus myself - and in the meantime, just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.

Hope  :)

Three Roses

QuoteSometimes I read what other people write - here in the forum - and I think that you all sound incredibly grown-up, and that I am very small and don't understand things - but I know I'm a grown woman. 

That's kinda funny - often, I read what you've written, Hope, and am amazed at the honesty and compassion you communicate.

Hope67

Hi Three Roses,
Thanks for saying that, I appreciate it.   :hug:

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Journal Entry on 28th March 2019
I don't know how I'm getting through these days, as it's been quite tough - I am feeling things quite strongly, and my amount of dissociating seems to be diminishing and getting less frequent, but this is causing me to 'feel' things much more, and that's proving to be tough for me.  I know there have been more triggering events that have happened - and alongside the fact that it will be M's Day on the weekend - which is a difficult time of year for me anyway - I guess it's just added up.

I have been feeling as if I might 'snap' and there have been a couple of times when I've actually laughed inappropriately - it's like there was a part of me who just found some things excessively funny, and unfortunately expressed that at a moment when really it would have been better for me to have kept quiet.  I can laugh about this after the event, but at the time I felt very weird really.  I don't think the other person was all that concerned though - which seemed surprising to me.

I don't know what social events are going to be happening this weekend but I anticipate that people will try to organise things, and that I will be expected to go along potentially - and I am dreading that - because I feel like I can't get out of those things, even though I'd probably like to.  But maybe they won't organise them, so there's uncertainty about what will happen.  I don't feel that I can really take a lead in this - or put any boundaries down about it.  Maybe that's why I feel a bit helpless about it.  I don't know.

I'm feeling bad about the fact that housework kind of tasks are building up, and I'm not tackling them.  So things look more untidy etc, and I need to get to sorting things out over the weekend, if I have the energy to do them.  I'll see how it goes. 

I started reading 'The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe' the other day - and I think that young Hope felt some comfort from reading that book.  I only read the first couple of chapters, but I remembered some of the feelings I had when I was younger, and reading it. 

I've suffered from a lot of tinnitus this week as well - normally it's only in one of my ears, but this week it's actually been in both of them, and has felt as if something is screaming at me - with the persistence of it.

Also, I had a period of about an hour when I experienced a part of myself that kept shouting out obscenities whenever my partner touched me in the night - during our sleep, and it was like that part of me just wanted him to 'get off me' and it was swearing at him internally - I am so thankful that I don't actually act out on those experiences, as it is disconcerting.

I've felt more panicky inside as well over the past few days - as if I'm being chased by something, and I'm frightened.  But I know that nothing is actually chasing me, it's just the feeling of dread somehow.  It's not all the time, just sometimes. 

I feel a bit better for having written this, so that's a nice feeling.

Hope  :)

Blueberry


Not Alone

Hope, you have so many difficult things going on. Sending you support and a hug.  :hug:

Three Roses


Hope67

 :grouphug: to you all, Blueberry, Notalone and Three Roses - I really appreciate your hugs  :hug: :hug: :hug: and supportive words.  They mean a lot.  Thank you.   :hug:

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Journal Entry on 30th March 2019
I am so glad that the weekend is here, because I feel like I really need it.  It was a heavy week for me - I found it tough to get through.  Now the weekend is here, and I don't know what to expect of tomorrow (M's Day) but I am just hoping that it will be ok, and I'll get through it.   Probably the thoughts of it, leading up to it, were worse than the reality of the day itself.  I don't know.  I'll see how it goes. 

My partner told me that during the night - a couple of nights ago- that he had seen me in a very distressed state in my sleep, and I'd said 'I'm very frightened' - and that he had felt very concerned for me, as he said it's horrible for him to see me in such distress.  He had responded by telling me that I was ok, and he had comforted me, and he said that I'd then appeared to settle and sleep again.  I have no memory of any of this, but when he told me about it, I found that I felt distraught inside - and tears came to my eyes.  So hearing him reflect on it, brings a very emotional and reactive response in me.   

Last night I was reading an autobiography by Sally Field called 'In Pieces' - and it is proving to be a really helpful book to me.  I have related to Sally Field since watching her play 'Sybil' in the film years ago, she really affected me in that film - I related to it a lot.  Whilst I've been reading her autobiography I've been writing down in a written Journal what flashbacks come back to my memory - from my own experiences, which are triggered by her recounting of her own. 

I just want to note a couple of things she said here, in this Journal, as well - to remind me:
on p.23 of her book she said (referring to her family) "All of them with wounds that wouldn't heal because no one acknowledged they were bleeding and yet needing the other to be near." and she went on to say "These generations of women, weaving a pattern into a lifelong garment, unconsciously handed down from mother to daughter to grand-daughter to me."

I relate to this because I know there are issues in my family going back generations - that haven't been talked about or processed and where the effects have been passed on down the generations, and often at an unconscious level.  It is so powerful.

On p.29 of her book, she wrote "Carl Jung wrote, "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent."

I also relate to this, as I know things about my FOO's aspirations and hopes etc, and that some of those were not fulfilled due to circumstances, and therefore, I feel this impacted on their treatment of their children. 

I feel as if reading someone's actual experiences and reflecting on my own, it's a powerful way to process things and re-process things - at a safe level and pace, because the things that come back to mind are trickling in, rather than coming in an unexpected way.  Also, writing my experiences down in the book - it's a written hand-written book that I use, it is another way of sharing it - different to the typing that I do here in this Journal - and the combination of these ways, it seems to help.

Regarding tomorrow, I am trying to go with the flow of things - and see what happens - if other people organise social things, then I will try my best to engage with those things, and just get through them.  That's my plan so far.  I have no idea what will happen, and somehow I don't feel as anxious today - as I did in the past few days about these things.

I am calmer today.  So far. 

I think the fact I'm reading Sally Field's book means that for the moment I feel as if I'm on a journey with her, and I feel comforted by the fact she is writing about something that I relate to - and I want to discover what I can about her experiences and learn from them, and hope to process my own issues a little further.  At some point, I might try to write about my own past in an autobiographical way - as I think that would be helpful to me to do.  So far I have got various files with different stages of my life in them, but I have been realising recently that my order and timing of events is very very fragmented!  Also, I realise that my assumption that I was more mature at some points, makes me realise that actually I was very young at those points, and therefore my concept of internal age is just mixed up and I'm beginning to link historical events - i.e. dates of songs or films etc, and my actual age - and then think about when an event/memory might have happened. 

I had felt a lack of direction for a while, but somehow I feel a bit more focused that I'm facing things more head on again. 

Hope  :)

Blueberry

 :hug: :hug: to you Hope. I hope things were OK for you despite being M's Day in your part of the world.

Jdog

 :hug: to you, Hope.  Also, I want to encourage you to have confidence in your own journey.  You are making incredible progress and it's nice how you open yourself to allow us a chance to observe this good work.  No worries that others seem more grown up to you.  You are a grown up, too, in real life.  It is simply that the younger parts are so in need of healing.  Keep letting their voices be heard.  It works.

Hope67

Hi BeHea1thy - I read what you wrote a few days ago, and it meant a lot - thank you so much.  I especially found what you wrote about the bodily sensations being part of a willingness to process things at a deep level, and that made sense to me, and resonated with me.  I do believe that my subconscious is allowing me and giving me permission to feel things.  I appreciate your support very much, and would like you to know how much it has helped me.   :hug:

Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much for those kind thoughts on M's Day (in my part of the world) - it was hard to get through those days but reading your words helped me - thank you.   :hug:

Hi Jdog - Thank you so much.   :hug:  I related so much to what you said about the younger parts being so in need of healing - and I will do my very best to keep giving them appropriate space and opportunity to be heard - I am very keen to try to nurture them - if they'll allow me to do that. 

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Journal Entry on 4th April 2019
I had some difficulty accessing this site sometimes, but managed to get through, and I feel as if I've emerged from a chain of EF's over the past few days.  Right at this moment, I feel better in myself - and able to function and think - whereas over the past few days, I've felt that I've really been struggling to focus and I've been experiencing all kind of bodily experiences - but I have also realised that I've been processing things - and feeling more - and that is a draining process, but I think it's a good process for me - because my normal way of being has been to dissociate and numb myself - as opposed to what is happening more and more - i.e. feeling things. 

I have finished reading Sally Field's autobiography - and it was such an emotional book for me to read - I related to so many of her experiences, and it made me feel very sad - and it made me cry a lot at points, and I felt over-whelmed sometimes.  But the tears seemed to be cathartic at many levels, and I have ordered the DVD of the film 'Sybil' now - as I realise it came out in the 1970's originally, and therefore I think it was a film that I would have seen as a much younger person, and that it was likely to have impacted on me 'at that time' - and I'd like to watch it again as an adult, and see what I think about it now in the light of day - with my adult eyes.  But I know that my Littles will most likely watch it too.  I feel I need to watch it. 

I have also watched some u-tube videos by an American therapist called 'Jerry Wise' and found them quite helpful.  He spoke of quite a few things that I related to - including tendencies to 'shed power to others'; 'over own negatives'; 'Dissociate''; 'Detach from reality' and he mentioned 'unresolved intergenerational trauma' - which I really related to.  He also talked about 'Negative grandiose fantasy' in relation to being over responsible for things - and I related very much to that - I do often feel as if I've caused negative things to happen, and for example think that I've made my FOO's life sad, because I am estranged from them - and yet, if I had retained contact with them, then my life would have been destroyed - in my opinion.  The contact is toxic.  I can't survive it.  He also mentioned 'enmeshment' and being 'overly blended' with family - as well as 'family trance' - I could see these things in myself over the years so strongly. 

Then I watched a video by a woman called 'Terri Cole' which was useful - she spoke of 'repeating reality' and 'ambivalent or avoidant attachment' as well as Healing via 'Corrective emotional experiences' and having a 'mentor' or role model that can provide experiences needed by a person. 

Finally, Jerry Wise spoke of transactional analysis and the Parent, Adult and Child, and how 'healthy parenting NOW for my inner child/littles' would be a positive thing.

I wanted to jot down those notes, whilst they are fresh in my mind, as they gave me some inspiration and I felt better for watching those videos.

I think that reading the book by Sally Fields caused me to do extra processing in my mind - as during the night I had a very vivid dream which was quite strange.  But I think it made sense. 

Trigger Warning *** Mentioning CSA ***
The dream was about some kind of historic society where there were some relics and I was being shown them by some kind of Historian who was telling me that they represent symbols that indicated that the society were paedophiles who had made sculptures of various body parts and worhshipped them.  Holding them in high regard.  I was shocked to think that there could be a civilisation who would do this, and who lived in this way, but at the same time I wasn't surprised by it either - it was like I knew that existed.

End of Trigger warning.

I think it was a much more direct representation of something that I wouldn't normally allow into my psyche - and it surprised me to have dreamed that.  I'm surprised at what I've just written there - i.e. that I just wrote 'something that I wouldn't normally allow into my psyche' - in that I mean - how could I prevent something being there?  I wouldn't have control in that way.  Strange that I think I do have control.  I can't have control.

I'm in the process of 'investigating' my past again - in terms of gathering information from organisations - and I've contacted a department to ask for access to their information that might be held about me - I have had to provide proof of my identity etc, and they said the process will be commenced.  I am now wondering if there will be any information - or whether they have to ask for that proof before they can even look - but I think it was a big thing to have felt brave enough to ask about this.  I have no idea if anything will come out of it, but I want to find out. 

I feel stronger at the moment, which is good as I had felt quite broken in the past few days - and was fearing that I might crumble - because I felt over-whelmed.  I like this feeling of strength that is with me in this last couple of hours - I am not sure why it has joined me, but it gives me some real fortitude.

Hope  :)

Jdog

Hope-

You mentioned having trouble accessing the site - me, too.  I thought it had to do with my devices, but it sounds as if there is something else going on with the site.  Hoping they get it sorted and fixed soon.

Your ability to look deeply inside yourself and your dreams is amazing.  I do not usually allow myself to dig that deeply.  I hope your investigation into your past is helpful to you.

Great work.  Take care and enjoy the feelings of strength when they arise!

Hope67

Hi Jdog - Yes, I had difficulty posting the other day - I lost what I wrote.  I hope I will be able to post this today - thank you for your comments - I had felt a bit bad about posting about my unusual dream, and my reaction to it, as I thought that I had some strange reactions, and so sharing those made me feel a bit vulnerable, but your reply validated me in some way, and I am so grateful to you for that. 

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Journal Entry on 7th April 2019
My inner critic had given me quite a bit of critical expression after I wrote about my dream I had the other night - and was telling me I shouldn't have written about it, but I'm glad that I did - in the light of day as I write this today - I'm grateful for a place to write openly and share things, because I never felt able to do that when I was growing up - I had to keep things within myself - and whilst that was a way of coping at the time, it didn't help me to get any support or help along the way - and I could have done with that.

I wrote some more yesterday - but it was lost as I think I must have been timed out or something - so I hope that what I write now will be accepted and I won't lose it.

I felt vulnerable about starting my queries about my past - as I had to contact a Government department about it - but the person dealing with it has been really good - and assured me that they won't be contacting any of my relatives - although they said that they would have to remove any identifying notes about other family members in any information that they share with me.  So I am intrigued now - because I wonder what information is held, and what they will share with me. 

The thing is that whilst I suspect things from my past, I also have the thought that maybe none of it is really true - although I know that things are true - it's still a large part of my coping system to have blocked things out and not allowed myself to realise the truth of them, and parts of me hold onto that - and other parts know things.  It annoys part of me to even write that, as I realise it sounds garbled and doesn't make sense.  I think it's the strength of the mind to buffer a person against realising things that could destroy them - it makes things seem as if they happen to someone else, rather than to me. 

Sometimes I think that maybe we're all in some kind of suspended animation, that isn't really true at all - but I realise that is nonsense as well.  I am a real person.

**TW - Mentioning sexuality and libido - but nothing graphic...
Someone in the forum had written about their sexuality and libido - and I wanted to join in and say something back to them, but realised that I feel very mixed up about my own experiences - and I can't put into words how I feel about it - because it is too much for me to process it - and understand it.  I think I would shock myself if I looked into it too much - there are elements of it that literally shock me - and frighten me, and there are also elements that I am comfortable with.  So I guess I'm avoidant about it.

End of TW...


Writing about different parts of myself made me feel vulnerable as well - because it made me wonder what others might think of me.  I think this upsets me - because I guess I want to know what people think, but there would be no way to know that - because with any interaction, how can you know what someone says is something that they say because they don't want to hurt you - or they want to protect you - or maybe even that they don't want to necessarily say how it made them feel.

I think that people here - would be likely to say things that are true - but people in daily life - when you talk to them face to face - how can you know what they think and feel, and what is true and what is not.

I realise that things I believed in my FOO were just blatantly NOT TRUE - they lied to me consistently, and yet they taught me it's important to tell the truth - but they didn't lead by example. 


This reminds me that I have been coming into contact more with my anger about things - literally I am feeling angrier, and I rarely felt that before.  I need to channel it safely - and I have told my partner that there is a 'crazy rage' inside me sometimes - but I told him it's not directed at him - and I hope he believes me.  I am trying to reign myself in - but I am aware it is there.


Hope  :)

Blueberry

Quote from: Hope67 on March 25, 2019, 07:11:12 PM
Sometimes I read what other people write - here in the forum - and I think that you all sound incredibly grown-up, and that I am very small and don't understand things - but I know I'm a grown woman. 

This caught my eye Hope. I often feel as if I'm not a grown woman. I think part of that is shame-based e.g. feeling ashamed of not being able to work enough professionally, but I also have trouble with other very basic skills like cooking for more people than just myself. Idk if that's similar to how you feel or if you feel very small for a different reason. Anyway, you're not completely alone with this.

Deep Blue

Sweet Hope,
You said you wonder what others think of you....

I can't speak to anyone else but I'd like to tell you what I think of you:  I think you are an angel in this forum.  Your kind heart shines through in each of your posts.  I hate the trauma that you have suffered.  I feel empathy for many of your littles as well.  I appreciate each part of you.  Even when I'm not participating in the forum much, I still genuinely think about you and smile.  I feel safe talking to you.  I don't feel safe with many people.  So thanks for all you are and hugs to each part of you my dear  :hug: