Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

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Three Roses

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #705 on: July 09, 2019, 10:55:04 PM »
 :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #706 on: July 13, 2019, 01:10:39 PM »
Hi Tee, notalone and Three Roses  :hug: :hug: :hug:  Thank you. 

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Journal Entry on 13th July 2019
I wanted to come back here and write in my Journal, but each time I was thinking of doing so, somehow I couldn't find the words to convey what I wanted to say.  So I didn't manage to write anything.  But I hope to write something today - which is that I'd like to finally start my new Journal in the next couple of days - something I've been delaying for a while.  I guess it was because I wanted to have some kind of sensible summary and plan of how to go forward.  But I've not been able to work on that and so I've not done it. 

But I'm going to settle for just starting a new Journal and seeing where it leads.  I think because I took a break for a while from technology and the internet etc - I also took a break from reading self-help books, and now I feel a bit at sea about how to proceed and what to focus on.

I know there are areas that I currently avoid, but which I feel I would probably benefit from attending to.  Because I think it would help me to look at some of those things, but at the same time there are many/several parts of me that are reluctant or even afraid.

But there are other parts that are keen to approach those areas.  So there is a conflict or difference of opinion about it.

Annoyingly my inner critic is telling me I'm writing things that don't make sense, and I am going to ignore that - because I have a right to communicate here about things that are important to me.

Now I feel a bit silly.  But anyway, I'll keep writing...

I have had some issues at work that I've needed to talk to a colleague about, and I have had support from that person.  It's a relief to know I can talk about things, because there have been some other people who have been quite difficult to approach - although I think that is more down to my difficulty in knowing who I can trust.  I tend to listen to my gut instinct on things, which quite often is protective.

I think that I feel annoyed with myself at many levels, because I'm feeling as if I'm stilted and unable to express what I want to say, or how I'm feeling.  I feel like I really want to say many things, but there are so many parts of me that hold me back.  I know they do that for good reasons, but it feels as if they hold me in some kind of cage in that respect.

I had an argument with my partner last week - he said something that really hurt my feelings - because he said that I might as well go and live somewhere where there is a 'padded cell' - I managed to ask him what he'd meant by that, and I shared the fact that it had hurt my feelings - and he said he had meant it as being that he knew that I worried about things, and that maybe being in a protected area - where the walls were padded - would be protective.  But I hadn't taken it that way - I told him that his description had made me feel as if I was abnormal and I had felt very upset by it.  He apologised for hurting my feelings.  We're ok about it now - but I realise how sensitive I was to what he said.  I didn't like how vulnerable I felt.

I feel bad for even mentioning it - because I don't like to say things that are negative in that way about my partner - he is so supportive and loving, and he really cares about me.  I love him so much.

I still have this very annoyed feeling hanging over me.  It's like it's a part of me that is feeling annoyed, and frustrated and some anger there. 

I am feeling things more.  I noticed that I was also smelling more things earlier today - i.e. my sense of smell was heightened.  Strange.

Anyway, at least I've written something here today.  That is what I wanted to do.  I did it. 

Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #707 on: July 13, 2019, 02:12:17 PM »
Hope, it sounds as if your ICr. is about as annoying and well, critical, as mine.  :pissed: :pissed: Gr. What you've written makes perfect sense to me anyway.

I'm really happy for you that there is somebody at work you can approach about problems at work and that this person is supporting you! 

I think I would be pretty upset if someone suggested I went to live somewhere with padded walls.  :applause: on managing to talk to your partner on it and also that he apologised. I think it's also really good that you're writing about it on here. The information is safe here. It can be good to get that kind of stuff out of your system. I can understand feeling bad about it, partly because I'm feeling bad about all sorts of stuff in friendships atm, but there actually isn't a reason for feeling bad, that's just how the whole FOO trauma stuff programmed us to act. :hug: :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #708 on: July 13, 2019, 07:28:18 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
I appreciate what you said here very much, thank you.   :hug:  I also particularly liked the fact you encouraged me to write about stuff here - and reminded me that this place is safe.  I think many parts of me needed to hear that, and have listened, and I am hopeful to write more - despite what my ICr thinks. 

I am suffering a bit from the heat at the moment, it is very humid.  I must remember to drink more water and keep hydrated.

Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #709 on: July 13, 2019, 10:02:16 PM »
hey, hope,

i don't blame you for your reaction to someone talking about you needing a padded cell - it brings up immediate images to me of being crazy, out of control, and no one knows how to deal with me.  i'm glad you were able to talk to him about it, and he was able to explain what he meant.  i didn't think you were saying anything mean about him, either - just conveying a situation.  we all have those moments where we step on a sensitive spot and don't realize it.  that doesn't make us bad people, or even the thought that someone who does that is in any way bad, so to speak.

i'm really glad, too, that you were able to write about it, get it out, leave it here.  as far as making sense, i don't know if half the time i make sense to anyone else, but that doesn't mean it isn't helpful for me to get it out of me, see it differently.  as long as it makes sense to you, even if it's conveying that you don't feel like you're making sense at the time, that's what's important.  you're not here for us, but for yourself.

please be careful in the heat.  don't forget electrolytes if you're sweating a lot!  (just my desert self jumping in!).  stay cool, stay safe.  sending love and a hug filled w/ popsicles - all your favorite flavors!, if that'll help.

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Tee

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #710 on: July 14, 2019, 02:44:42 AM »
I agree with blueberry it all makes sense. I'm glad your writing. It's safe here. For all of us. :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #711 on: July 14, 2019, 07:32:13 PM »
Hi SanMagic - Thank you for the reminder about electrolytes.  I had some left-over from last time I needed some, so I took half a packet in some water - giving my partner the other half, and I am sure it did us both some good.  I appreciated also what you said, thank you.   :hug:

Tee - thank you so much for your validation and for the group hug - it really helps.   :hug:

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Journal Entry on 14th July 2019

All I want to say right now is how glad I am that this place is here, and how much I appreciate being able to read what others say, and to write my feelings and thoughts here.  It helps me a lot. 

Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #712 on: July 14, 2019, 08:07:59 PM »
 :)  :hug:

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Tee

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #713 on: July 15, 2019, 06:40:32 PM »
 :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #714 on: July 15, 2019, 06:56:49 PM »
Hi Blueberry & Tee -  :hug: :hug: to you both, thank you. 

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Journal Entry on 15th July 2019
I have just been looking through previous pages of this Journal to try to find the bit where I had decided on a new name for my next Journal, and I had to look back to p43 to find it!  It is "Continuing to Befriend My Parts" and realising that it's taken me no less than 7 pages of journaling to get to that - means I've been thinking about writing the next section for a long while...  Anyway, I will be using that title, and hopefully the next time I write it will be in that new Journal. 

I just wanted to write a few things to say that I recognise that I have been able to share so many things here in this supportive place, and I feel like I've developed in some positive ways over time.  It is the support of the people here that has helped this - that has helped me - and thank you all for your contributions and validations and for everything you've said. 

I'm going to start the new Journal in a minute - because I just want to start it - so it's there for when I next pop by.  So that's what I'm going to do.

Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #715 on: July 16, 2019, 08:25:26 AM »
 :hug: just would like to leave this here, Hope, if that is OK with you.  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« Reply #716 on: July 16, 2019, 05:55:54 PM »
Definitely ok with me, SaB - thank you  :hug:
Hope  :)