Self hatred

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
The past few weeks have seen me in such deep self hatred. It like I'm in it, I can see it with adult eyes ( sometimes) I at times have never capacity to self soothe or turn away from the beliefs and at other times I can act with self compassion but the mental state continues. This is affecting my WHOLE life: ability to work, relationships of any kind, ability to be with myself, enjoyment, being present being able to relax .. I can't believe I own such deep self resentment and disgust it frightens me ..
this is all a car deal worse than the origina trauma and I'm doing a LOT to attempt to heal .. therapy , recovery , not working ....
I just want my head to shut the ** up ....
any tips / tools appreciated

[California Dreaming]

Hi
Have you identified what has triggered the increased intensity of your self-hate?

How long has it been getting worse?

[ah]

Boatsailrose,

I agree with California Dreaming, I was wondering as well what might have triggered it. I guess for me self hatred is always there, but when it's extremely strong there's always something recent that sparked it and it ignited, and fuels one EF after another.
Do you remember when it started to escalate this time? Do you remember where you were? What you were doing, what you were thinking?

for me it's usually related to strong shame. Did anything like that maybe happen a few weeks ago? It could have been something small, just a second, a tiny exchange with someone that paralyzed you and then your old habits took over, thinking they were protecting you.

I think EF's can last weeks at a time, even years. It's very possible, in my experience. This high level can absolutely go back down again, and our body and mind may need your help to do it. Your body may be too tired and locked into this habit to do it on its own when it's this strong and feels like your survival depends on hating yourself as hard as you can. Asking questions and looking at it from different angles may help it start the ball rolling.

Another thing that helps me if I'm courageous enough to do it is mindfulness. It's rough when my self hatred is high, though, at first. But worth it. It can help me weaken this internal raging beast to a slightly more manageable size, sometimes.
Maybe self hatred needs to be told "Enough is enough!" if it gets its way it goes nuts with its own power.

I'm in a similar spot lately, you're absolutely not alone.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi California
Not being able to work has had a big impact although the impact was happening long before I gave up... I am now getting out of my nursing career which is huge. 10 yrs of my pride and self worthmixed up in there. Also going through this time and not having anyone close to lean on is big..
over all I am really struggling to cope dispite all the support and help I am receiving and i can't see where else to lean.. it's like I need to lean on me but I don't have the abilities to prop myself up.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you ah ...
I can't identify anything specific but the looking for work thing has def had huge impact because my inner critic / self hate says I'm useless and fit for nothing .. this then escalates the panic and not coping feelings. I'm sick of trying to work myself out to be honest ...
I'm sick of battling my own head, demons and beliefs .. it's like I get more self aware and equipped but weak in the use of the tools ... I think I put far too much expectation on myself. Keeping it simpler would be much better it's as if I conclude I need Lots of strategies and ways and get myself tangled and overwhelmed when to keep it simpler would serve me much better.
I'm a dear little thing ... I'm trying to work out all the parts of me when what it seems about is re building from the soft core outwards

[California Dreaming]

In my experience, working through the consequences of cptsd requires the help of others. It makes sense that you are unable to prop yourself up right now.

[Billy Pilgrim]

Hello Boatsetsailrose,

It has been a long time since you posted this. If you feel better already, as I hope you do, there is no need to get back to me.

At some point during my therapy, I started writing a book on my life. I was going to call it "Self-hatred". With time. I learned to think of myself in terms of a secondary dissociation: there are different "parts" of me, which came into existence as responses to what I was experiencing in childhood and youth. I learned to ask myself which part it was, I was loathing so much. When I found the answer (my teenage self, which just could not find it in him to fight back), it got better quite soon. Later I was even able to "save" that part during an EMDR session, showing him compassion, instead of contempt and anger.

That is not to say, I am all better now. But my self-hatred / self-loathing are down to a much lower level.

As far as having to spend time between jobs goes: that's a large club! It certainly says nothing about anyone being useless: These are difficult times.

As I said, this my 5 cents' worth of input. If you are out of it, no need to get back into the topic.