Spa massage

[Sceal]

I've always heard that spa treatments and massages are so wonderful. It can be relaxing, freeing tension from sore muscles etc. I had reluctance in trying because you have to be pretty much naked.

But a few years ago I decided to treat myself to one. (My mental health was stable at the time. I wasn't doing great, but I was managing) prior to the massage I spent two hours relaxing in various swimming pools with various degrees. The massage was a full body, and as I was getting it I felt I was in heaven. It was amazing, reliving and energy inducing. I was sure she was giving me the luxury package and not the one I paid for.

It lasted until I got home. When I got home I was filled with such agony I was twisting on the floor in fetal position. For hours. My (at the time) bf sent me to the emergency room in panic because I was screaming out load and became incoherent. I didn't get home until 6in the morning the next day. They gave me painkillers and muscle relaxants. I always thought it was because the massage was such a shock treatment to my muscles who have been tense for over 20+ years and they couldn't deal with it.

This all happened before I was diagnosed with cPTSD

Anyone else had similar experiences?

[sanmagic7]

once upon a time, about 35 yrs. ago, i could get a massage, and i felt like a limp noodle when it was done.  it was great.

that was before the massive amounts of trauma began piling up.  i believe i absorbed most of my unexpressed emotions and traumatizations into my muscles.  beginning about 20 yrs. ago, any kind of therapeutic rubbing became excruciating.

believing what i did, i went ahead and purposefully put myself into those painful massage situations over and over and over again, sobbing thru the entire time because of the pain.  even getting a pedicure, where they'd rub your calves brought tears to my eyes.

years of tears before emotions became evident, and massage helped release those stored emotions.  i could both feel them and name them, and the pain continued to be overwhelming.  someone once did some cranial-sacral stuff, which released a whole bunch of gunk from my npd daughter, left a hole inside my brain that i can pinpoint to this day.

after every one of these session, all these 20 yrs., and in mexico i was doing this about every 2 weeks for the past 1 1/2 yrs., i was barely able to move.  it would take me about 10 min. to get myself off the table, another 10 or so to get to the waiting room.  with the c-s technique, they actually had to drive me home (i went there alone - that was the only time).

sometimes it would take a few days to recover, sometimes it took months.  but the basics were the same every time.    i put myself into these situations because i didn't know how else to release this stuff.  i know it helped, my body is somewhat better, but my muscles are still tense nearly all the time, and sore if even touched with too much pressure.

i would keep doing it if i could afford it.  i've heard of somatic therapy, and that may be an option someday.  i've even looked into shamanistic healing - again, maybe someday.  right now i can't afford any of it.  but, yes, sceal, altho my results were much more immediate, and i don't get any pleasure or relaxation at all from it anymore, i can totally relate to your experience.  it sucks.

[Sceal]

I can feel the tension of my muscles, and I keep wishing I could get a masssage to release the muscular tension - but I don't dare to. I don't want to end up in the emergency room again. Even when I rub some lotion on my calves I can barely rub it into my skin because the gentle rub hurts.  And my calves are as stiff as treetrunks.

I can't imagine doing it as often as you have in the past. That is beyond impressive! You write you could not move, was that because you couldn't mobilize the muscles - or because it hurt so much?

I've gone to physio-therapists and I've gone to psycho-somatic physiotherapist, but I have bad experience with 9/10 of those, because they all start eventually pouring their judgement upon me, or telling me how I should think, or do, or feel.  And I'm unable to say "Stop this. I'm here for physio-therapy, not other things", so they overstep their boundaries time and time again.

[sanmagic7]

well, that's a drag!  i'm with you on that - just keep your mouth shut and do what i'm paying you to do!  so very frustrating!

after especially stressful incidents, i've had problems making my legs move correctly.  it's like the stress of the event (this has happened in doc offices, too) overwhelms some part of my brain and it doesn't connect correctly with the muscles in my legs.  lately, i've discovered that there's some connection to unexpressed anger, because at times when i could just feel and let out the anger, the legs worked ok.

i had an mri - this happened in the doc office when i first moved here - but it showed nothing out of the ordinary for someone my age.  of course, it was a basic mri, so finer connections that might be warped or missing in my brain wouldn't show up (such as for the alexithymia).  basically i've had to figure it out for myself.  there's no basis in science for what i believe, but i've seen the results, so that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

just before i left mexico i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  i've long believed that diagnoses like that, or chronic fatigue, are directly linked to stress.  again, no scientific basis, but it makes sense to me.  the idea that i've had so many years of unexpressed emotions, that i've tolerated so much abuse just seems to me (when thinking that the body keeps the score) to play out in the mind/body connection.

so, that's how i think about it.  i haven't found a doc who's given much credence to such thinking, so i've stopped trying to talk to them about it.  but it's why that my goal is to continue to rest and relax as much as possible, keep my stress levels down as much as i can, and that's basically the best healing treatment i can give myself.

i've had the experience such as when waiting for my cancer surgery, the anxiety around its anticipation and how suddenly muscles in my back, which haven't given me a problem before, were suddenly so tight that it hurt to cough.  with my beliefs in mind (yeah, i talked to the doc, he gave me nerve pills, which didn't do squat, when i had told him why my back hurt and that i wanted a massage or physical therapist) i knew i had to be patient, rest, and it took about 6 weeks, but the muscles eventually loosened up.

i know this is right for me, don't want to say what's right for anyone else.  i've gotten to know my body and how it reacts to situations pretty well over the years, so i'll self-treat as much as i can.  best to you with this, darling sceal.  that pain is real, and it frickin' hurts.  love and a big hug.

[artemis23]

Totally can relate Sceal. I call it bodywork. Cause it's work. It always releases trauma for me. Somatic therapy dictates it's stored in the body memory. Still, I have probably had well over 100 sessions. I usually cry after and have to do major self care. But it can be a good thing. If I had a reaction like you did I probably wouldn't go again though, that sounds horrible. I'm actually currently debating whether or not to get a new therapist for this but I'm hesitant because of the trust thing. I've had amazing people who get trauma and aren't at all judgy or pushy and that has gone better. Still best not to overdo it.

[Sceal]

I've been trying to reply to you both for a few days now. I still find it difficult - and I'm not quite sure why.

San: I think there are alot of diagnoses that comes from stress at some level, or atleast is the final drop that pushes the illness into action. I don't got fibromyalgia, but I do believe the doctors whom I've worked with wouldn't have refuted that stress makes it worse, or that it could come from prolongued stress.

It has been proven though that the more positive attitude one has towards treatment for cancer or surgery the higher the chance of better recovery. They haven't figured out WHY (last I checked), but it's not far-fetched then to think that stress has a negative affect in the same situation. And they have proven that long-term stress is bad for the body.

Artemis:
Bodywork - that has a nice ring to it. I'm glad that it releases trauma for you. I guess then there will be hope for me too then, some day. I am not ready yet to attempt either spa treatment or physical therapy yet. I'll stick with stretching out and trying to move about and pain killers (it's not daily I take them, but sometimes they are required)

[sanmagic7]

and, i love the thought that 'laughter is the best medicine'.  i once read about a woman who continually watched funny movies and laughed herself well after suffering from cancer.

along with laughter, and i do watch a lot of fun shows rather than emotionally draining ones, i believe kindness is next on the list as a healing helper.  that's one reason why i've eliminated so many people from my life - not enough kindness from them, even tho we could laugh together for hours.

yes, the body does keep the score.  i've also read about the many effects of long-term chronic stress on our bodies, all the way down to the cellular level, and none of it is good.  messing with our immune system is a pretty easy way for illnesses to take hold.  our bodies are built to be healthy, after all. 

love and hugs.

[RecoveryRandal]

I've had a wide range of reactions to getting massages, including being triggered during and after sessions. It depends a lot on the space I'm in.

I started semi-regular bodywork to complement the "headwork" I was doing in therapy. Basically, I wanted something that would help me feel more integrated.

I looked at massage therapists' profiles and found someone who said he did work that helped to release old patterns and pain. It turned out that he was a wonderful and gentle man with an excellent technique.

As we built up trust over time, I was able to be more vulnerable during sessions. Sometimes I would burst into tears. A couple of times, I curled into a ball on the massage table and just shook.

His responses were always kind and helpful. Sometimes he would gently hug me, other times he would keep massaging but with a much lighter touch.

Bottom line, having the right massage provider is key. If you're ever interested in pursuing this again, look for bodyworkers who have experience in working with trauma survivors. Read their profiles and ask them some questions over the phone. And/or ask for bodyworker recommendations from a therapist or others on this forum who are in your area.

So, do what you can when you feel up to it in order to be in touch with your body. Maybe it isn't massage for you but going for walks or yoga or swimming. Take time to discern, experiment when you feel up to it, and make adjustments along the way.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, r.r. for not only sharing your experience, but your recommendations.  much appreciated.  i'll be on the lookout.  your experience sounds like so much of what i'd love to have.   

[Sceal]

San, I do find laughter healing. But it's stuck so far inside me. Even when I find things funny I rarely laugh. But I think I've been like that all my life, even before trauma. But I can't remember for sure.

Randal,
that's some very nice insight. I've read alot on the forum here that there is alot of information about trauma t's in other countries. Profiles of government supported professionals doesn't really exist here - So I can't really find a choose one for myself. Although therapy-wise I was fortunate to finally be getting a therapist that works with trauma (after 12+ other therapists throughout the years that I've worked with), and she's helped me alot more in a shorter time period than the others did. Although this is therapists it's the same for physiotherapists. They rarely if ever have a profile I can read, and phoning them up and asking questions isn't something I'm able to do. And I don't have anyone I can ask to do it for me.
There are private professionals, and they might have an open profile to check out, but I can't afford them.

I am intending to resume walking/hiking in forests, and I hope that will help some. I do work out 1-3 times a week in strength. But it doesn't loosen up my tensions the way I need. But it does make me feel better. Perhaps walking again can be more a relief, at least if I manage to stick with it for a lengthy period of time. I know it has reduced my stress levels in the past atleast!