Suggestions for dealing with a teen

[Snookiebookie]

Hi all

I'm struggling at the moment.  My therapist is convinced that I have"emotional trauma". This came about due to my father having BPD and I was subject to emotional and mental abuse for my first 17 years. Then my mum walked out on me. I left shortly afterwards but my mum was never the same with me. I then spent the rest of my life trying to win her approval, only to be a constant disappointment to her.

When my daughter came along my hubby didn't help, he didn't change his life or habits.  My mum would help by taking my daughter off of me for some time.  She rarely supported me or encouraged hubby to be more hands on. My daughter ended spending more and more time in their company. So I decided that this must end, only to be greeted by a lot of anger by them. So the only compromise was for me to spend time with them too.

My mum would allow my daughter to do stuff that I wouldn't (stay up late, eat to many sweets, not brush her teeth, stay up as late as she wanted). If I objected, she would openly criticise me (and also criticise me to my daughter behind my back). I became a lone voice, as it suited everyone else what for my daughter to be with my mum so much. Whenever my daughter was at home she hated it because things were strict and boring in comparison to my mum's. What child prefers discipline and routine compared to doing what you want, if you want, when you want...etc. don't get me wrong I was never cruel or overbearing, I just wanted things to be right just as most parents would.

My daughter soon learned to manipulate the situation. She'd purposely play up, knowing that my mum would ALWAYS back her up regardless of whether it was justified. I was cast as some kind of monster who was totally unreasonable, and entirely irrational. I was called harsh and mean. I was often shouted and snarled at. I was total invalidated and at times ridiculed. It got that I thought i was a bad person and bottled up how I was thinking and feeling.

My mum passed away about two years ago. And since then my daughter had tried the same tactics, i.e., I'll get my way if I shout long enough and hard enough. I have tried my best to deal with this, despite hating conflict due to my C-PTSD. I've stuck to my guns and when these situations arise I will withdraw computer access. The length of the computer ban states at one day, and will grow depending on how long she shouts, insults, screams and tantrums. I've told her it's in her hands how long the ban is, she can stop the argument quickly and have a short been, or she can escalate it knowing the consequence. She's very manipulative and hates not having control. She'll day almost ANYTHING to win or get control. She seems unconcerned of how she makes me feel.

Things seemed to calm down quite a lot following the computer bans. But I'm still struggling. I know that she's a teen-ager and that these behaviours are to be expected, but she's controlling, arrogant, rude, selfish, thinks she's entitled, expects to have the first or best choice all the time, she's inconsiderate. But the absolute worst is how she thinks I'm absolutely useless, stupid and always out of order or wrong.

I find her behaviour very upsetting, triggering and I'm sure it's causing brand new trauma. And it's for that reason that I need to address/solve the situation. She makes me feel such a horrible person. Both my dad and mum did this to me, and now my daughter is doing it and I'm sure she'll continue.

I'm convinced that until this is sorted that there is no way I can work towards recovery. It's a road block that must be cleared.

Any help or suggestions please

Thank you xx

[California Dreaming]

Hi Snookiebookie.

My son is 28 and daughter 23. I did not have the experiences that you are describing. However, I can appreciate being a parent and the extent to which a parent can be impacted by their child/children.

I don't have any direct advice. I do want to validate, "I'm convinced that until this is sorted that there is no way I can work towards recovery." Along my journey, I have discovered that I cannot heal a particular wound while being re-wounded. The fact that your daughter "makes [you] feel like such a horrible person" is keeping that particular wound open.

I can feel the intensity of your pain and wanted to let you know that it makes complete sense to me and that I can relate to it.

[Rainagain]

Hi,
This must be so difficult for you, it sounds terrible.

My younger daughter has always been selfish and difficult, though not as tricky as yours.

She improved with age, she is still a little young for someone in their early twenties but she is becoming more aware of others and less difficult.

I think what allowed her to grow up was taking on a few responsibilities.

If your daughter can yell at you for any and every woe then she takes no responsibility for anything, this will prevent her maturing.

It doesn't have to be fighting over chores, anything that she accepts responsibility for is beneficial, it could be something she enjoys doing like buying her own clothes, planning the weeks menu,walking the dog, cooking once a week, anything.

My daughter used to love mowing the lawn on the ride on mower.......

Its not a quick fix but it will help both of you eventually.

[Snookiebookie]

Update....

Just tried talking to my daughter over her attitude to me. Apparently it's my fault for over thinking. And apparently it's all down to me pretty much being at fault all the time.  She then later denied saying any of this!

She also denied snapping at me in the first place  - thankfully hubby backed me up as he heard her from downstairs.  She still flatly denied it even though two of us heard her.

OMG this feels like how my mother treated me.  Am I being manipulated by a teen?

[California Dreaming]

In my opinion, you are being manipulated.

[ah]

She also denied snapping at me in the first place  - thankfully hubby backed me up as he heard her from downstairs.  She still flatly denied it even though two of us heard her.

Can you ask him for help with this? So that he's on your side confirming what you saw / heard, and you can be validated?

It's so hard with teenagers, and if she learned the language of manipulation from anyone else in FOO she may be testing it out.
If it's less triggering for your hubby, do you think he may be willing to set kind, loving boundaries with her?

Are there other skills, things you're better at than he is that you can be in charge of to lighten his load, while he takes this one on?

I don't doubt it'll be very difficult no matter who tries to do it, but I totally agree with Rainagain about responsibility and all of it being a slow process.

Conflicts are so painful for me that I'd avoid them at all costs. But disagreements, testing boundaries, figuring out how far one can stretch the line, learning how to assert yourself without being aggressive, all of that is maybe part of growing up for her. There's maybe no connection to others without differences of opinion and disagreements. She needs to learn to tolerate frustration and to fight nice, within the lines. It may take her a while though... she may be at the age of self absorption

If your hubby feels he's up to it and is willing to take on the day to day conflict management and boundary setting (which comes with the territory with teenagers) maybe you can disengage somewhat, take a bit more distance from the conflict aspect of it for now? For everyone, first and foremost for you but also for her.
She needs you both with energy, not triggered and exhausted. It's okay if she doesn't realize the consequences of her actions right now, she may need help learning all that. Painful but a necessary growth for her.

I know it can be incredibly painful for you with cptsd. You feel so conflicted, you want to stay put and also run away at the same time. Protect her but you also feel unsafe at the same time. It can be very rough. Whatever you can do to ground yourself, maybe try to do that too. Whatever helps you with stress and triggers and EFs in any other situation may apply here, too.

Maybe.

[Snookiebookie]

Hi

Many thanks for all of the replies.

I've had a really good chat with my therapist. It's become clear the extent that my mother had harmed me. My self image is completely at odds with reality.  This means I'm doubting and second guessing myself. If it wasn't for this, I'd have the confidence to deal with my daughter effectively.

My therapist had assured me that I have done nothing wrong. She's also pointed out ways that others have backed me, or at least not contradicted me, which further proves that I'm not wrong.

She agrees that I'm being manipulated, whether knowingly or not.  She also agrees that this could cause me more harm, or at least slow/prevent my recovery.

This time around my husband was involved - he usually avoids getting involved. However, he did validate me. So I've decided that I need him to step up more. I've discussed this with him, and he's agreed.  My therapist thinks that this will minimise the manipulative behaviour from my daughter.

My daughter has finally accepted she was unfair and has apologised.  She has realised that she is her own worst enemy, and is shooting herself in the foot.  The longer she carries on, the longer the ban.  She's asked for help in calming her down. Together we've devised a time out plan, which at a certain point will call for all three of us to sit down and sort things out. But the plan gives her plenty of opportunity to calm down, and she clearly get time to think over the consequences.

I'm also going to enforce healthy boundaries when she's making rude/cheeky comments and generally testing limits.  But I accept that I need to be less reactive, with her, and with myself.

I've realised that my mum used to criticize me when I got angry and when I tried to discipline my daughter. So when I feel angry or try to discipline her, it feels wrong.   My mum's voice is my strongest inner critic. I know need to learn to deal with that inner critic voice. But at the moment I am feeling overwhelmed, however, it's something that I would address shortly.

Again, many thanks for your help and support.

[sanmagic7]

wow, snookie, sounds like a lot of steps in the right direction have been taken.  so very glad to hear it.

i think having her dad involved is major - it keeps the parents putting up a united front, and the teen can't play one against the other, or isolate/manipulate.  i think you both have done a great job in addressing this situation, and i wish you all the very best.  so glad you posted and found some resolution.  sending hugs all around.