Letter expressing things we'd like to say... (Not to send)

[Hope67]

This is a letter from some of the fragmented parts to my FOO - things we'd like to say - I feel the need to write this today, but I don't know what we're going to say, so I'd like to suggest that there may be some


***Potential triggers**** may mention CSA, emotional and physical abuse  ***

I don't know the different parts yet - but I want to enable each of you to say anything you want to FOO - so I'll use speech bubbles so you can each say what you want, and I don't mind who says what or when...

Over to you...

"Tears whell up in my throat when I think about the things you did to me - I feel dizzy, and I feel a sense of dread about it."

"The back of my head hurts"

"Little Hope was told that she used to follow you around like your shadow, and yet she didn't even know who you were - she remembers the lady brushing her hair and putting on make-up in the mirror - she wondered who that person was - she had to ask her big sister - when she was an adult - and realise it was you - her Mum.   I feel so sorry for Little Hope that she didn't know her own Mummy."

"I used to feel so desolate - so alone, like I was waiting - hoping to be noticed"

"I used to hide in the long dark box, it felt safe in there."

"You invaded my space - you didn't give me any privacy - you took away my innocence."

"I hate you!"

"My chest hurts - feels so heavy - the tears feel like they want to come out, but it catches in my throat'.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I read this back when you wrote it Hope. I had no words as usual.  now at least. I hope it has been some sort of relief maybe for some of your parts to be able to express themselves a bit.

[Hope67]

Thanks Blueberry - it took me a while to come back here to read what I wrote - and I have to say reading those things back, it is very emotive for me.  I think it was a good exercise though, and I am going to do it again - infact just now.  I'll keep this thread going, and add to it as and when I find things to say.  Thanks for the hugs, Blueberry - and  back to you. 

**************
OK, so another little Meditation circle - and over to you, wounded/fragmented parts - say whatever you want to say today...

******
For some reason I feel too 'self-conscious' today - I can't process or channel the feelings and thoughts like I did the other day - also I noticed that there was an inner critic voice that was being very negative to me - saying how it feels that I am undeserving of the time to wallow and think about myself in this way.  Also, annoyed at me for writing 3 comments in Pete Walker's blog - as if I'm trying to get his attention - attention-seeking - that's what it's accusing me of.  Maybe it's right!?  I also felt disappointed that he wasn't there - no sign of Pete yet - where is he?  I thought he would be replying to us - and now I feel like I'm a spoiled child not getting a reply - wow, where did that come from?  I am a bit shocked to have said that, but it is what I was thinking.

Infact, I feel as if there's a much younger part of me - which is attached to my psyche at the moment - she's 'demanding'  she's wanting things - and she's upset that she doesn't feel heard, isn't seen. 

I'd been writing about my life earlier today - like writing about past memories - and it left me feeling angry!  I felt angry about a few things - yet I didn't express those feelings in the writing - it was purely a description of things - as if it was plain and banal and boring - just descriptive and devoid of feeling - but you know - I DO feel things in relation to what happened to me - I feel a lot.  I wish so much that things could have been different. 

But if I turned back time, how could I possibly play things back any differently?  It would be impossible to change things really - as so much was unsaid, so much left covered up - veiled secrecy and too many family secrets - going back decades and generations infact.  I know this now, from the research I've done, and the things my sister told me.  I have felt like a detective in some ways - piecing things together - maybe I've not come up with the correct scenario, but what I have come up with - it's horrible.

I'm going to ask again - anyone wish to speak?  I'm here for you - and I want to communicate.

Waiting...

"I feel something in my chest and in my throat - I feel a bit sick.  Nauseous."
"I feel guilty, but not sure why - probably for writing these things"

"I feel pathetic for expressing my concerns"

"I want to cry"

"I'd like to tell her what I think about things.  Tell her that we never felt she was there for us.  She was cruel and cold and controlling."

"He shouldn't have done what he did - they both colluded and thought it was ok"  - "It wasn't ok"

Reflecting:
I think this is quite a good thing to do - because as I write, I feel some release - so I'll do it again another time. 

Hope 

[FrillyFarmGirl]

This is a beautiful thread. Very encouraging. I have just recently started to explore my internal selfs. Thak you for the incredibly vulnerable stab at letting your parts have a voice. So inspiring to me. Hope for REAL. Wow.

Love and light to you.

[Hope67]

Hi FrillyFarmGirl,
Thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot to know that you read it and found it to be a beautiful thread - I am humbled by that.    to you, if that's ok.

I must admit I read your Journal yesterday - and I wanted to say something in it, but I felt a bit shy!  I saw that you mentioned exploring internal selfs - I think you used another term for it, but I related to it, as I'd seen it talked about in a book somewhere, and I think you said 'Internal Family Systems' - and I thought 'Yes! That is like what I'm trying to do' - I hope it's going ok for you.

I felt a bit self-conscious writing this letter 'expressing things we'd like to say' - but actually it is proving to be really helpful to me, so I'm going to keep popping back and writing more - as and when I feel the need - it feels cathartic and also I am convinced that I'm getting in touched with more parts - and beginning to get a sense of them - I hope soon to be able to write more about them - but so far I'm just seeing what comes out.

Hope 

[Hope67]

My head hurts and I feel really distraught - it's like my throat is tight and tears come from my eyes - and it feels almost too much to bear.  I think I'm feeling more things - I took a bath earlier, and felt the heat of the water - which I don't usually feel - not for long, but I felt it!  I think I also felt anger - anger towards my M - anger at the situation of my childhood and all the things that happened, and how I was unable to really 'see' things at the time - but I know that my parts have kept notice - and they know.

I can't express this - it's not easy to put it into words.  My emotion is ebbing away again - like a wave - it was strong, like a vice around my head and then it left me. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

***Trigger Warning: Talking about feelings of Anger, and therefore may be triggering ***

Part of me feels anger today - so writing this letter to express it - I have been doing some sorting out and found some dates of various school moves that I had as a child, and they are so numerous, and at such critical points in my young life, and I think that I became more and more dissociated as time went on, and I had to cope with so many changes, so many new faces, so much.... too much...


It angers me and parts of me, to realise that I was shipped about so much as a child - and the reasons were never explained, I was just expected to cope - but nobody supported me in coping.

I've seen how some parents are so considerate of their children's needs, and they consider the schools they attend, the place they live, the friends their children have, and their stability and well-being, and how I don't think anyone considered mine.  I'd like to think I built resilience - but maybe each move just made me weaker - made me close in on myself and drift more into other things.  I can't find my words here - but I'll keep writing, as I felt a pressure to write this today. 


I am feeling angry at the lack of consideration about my own needs.  I'm angry on behalf of Little Hope that she had to endure those things.


As I think about this, my throat feels tight, and tears come to my eyes, but they won't flow - they are held there, and I feel upset.  I am angry.  I am in touch with that anger today - 

Writing this has upset other parts of me, as I feel as if part of me is crying - so I'm going to comfort that part, and put an arm around her - and tell her it's ok.  I feel tension in my tummy as I think about that.  But I also feel as if that upset part of me is comforted, a little. 

I feel better for writing here - I feel better already.  Interesting that I've just considered the fact that it's F's Day today - it's just dawned on me that this year I've not really linked that to my own F - I've not considered him, or how he's feeling - I've just thought about other things, and other people - people in my life currently - this is a big change.  This must be progress.  I think it is.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Glad you are able to feel and express your anger. You should have had things explained to you and had help in coping. Hearing your anger and sadness that you were left on your own.  I feel sad that you were alone in that. 

[Hope67]

Thank you notalone 
Hope 

[Hope67]

18th July 2019
I re-read the entire part of this thread today - and I wanted to write about my emotional reactions.  I felt several parts of myself became distraught, as if they were reading these things for the first time and reacting to the shock of what I wrote, and I felt waves of very strong emotion - tears came to my eyes, and a very big whooshing experience came up in my throat.  My eyes hurt now from saltiness I think, as it's been very hot and I have been sweating. 

But I think this process of writing these letters and trying the meditation circle - allowing my parts to speak as they want to, and then experiencing their emotions when re-reading, it's so powerful.  I must keep doing this, as I feel it is helping me.

So, I'll try to do this now...

As I put my attention on waiting to hear what comes up, suddenly there is deathly silence, and it seems like all my parts have left me - are you still there?
Waiting...

Closing my eyes to think about and allow space to think.

Waited a while, but nothing is happening.

It's almost as if they've shut a door and gone off somewhere, leaving me alone for this time.  I'm wondering if it's because I've been sorting through more things this evening - and they might not have coped so well with that.  I'm not sure.  Or maybe it's because I'm trying to do this, after not doing it for a long while.

I'll try again another time.

Hope 

[Tee]

  I'm glad you are able to reflect back on progress.  It's so hard to do.  It's hard when you feel pulled apart in different directions I can relate.  I would love to talk more in pm sometime if you would be open to that.  But I hope that find some peace as your parts are resting at the moment.

[Three Roses]

Peace to you, dear Hope. 

[Not Alone]

To all the parts who feel safe with a hug: