Elpha's new adventure

[woodsgnome]

Elph, it's beautiful to read of these occasions of working some things through with the full support of your t. The September program sounds really appealing; it's not always easy to apply any of this experientially and, most important, in a safe place. 

[sanmagic7]

wow, and more wow.  how cool of a t do you have!  i'm so happy for you, el.

i've done experiential groups, and they've been really beneficial, eye-opening, and powerful.  i've loved all of them.  i'm glad you waited till you're ready - i hope you enjoy what you learn from them.  that pillow-pushing exercise sounded wonderful.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  you're doing so great.  and, yes, of course, you can stay in those hugs, or ems embrace, anytime you need to.  they're also free, and you don't have to share them.  much love always.

[Elphanigh]

 Woodsgnome, I am really grateful to have that support  she has helped make a huge difference in my journey for sure.

San, she is super cool and I am not sure she fully realizes it tbh. Just a healer at nature is what I gather her to be so she goes out of her way to learn any method she can of helping people with trauma.
It is good to hear those groups have been beneficial to you. I have hope for this one for me, we will see. I think I am ready but there is always that chance I am jumping in too early, so I am a bit nervous to do it. I know it will be a huge test of my ability to trust in others. Mainly my trust in people to accept my past as what it is and not question it. The first few months won't be a giant test as we are starting at birth and working the way up, so as we get through the early stages that will be less of a challenge, so hopefully I will work into it.

The pillow pushing stuff was brilliant. It took me a second to do it as I worry about hurting people but I have come a long way to believing that office is a safe space for those things.

I will stay in that hug this morning too. Not enough sleep last night at all, and I am just feeling the anxiety from my nightmares. My little ones are unsettled today but not at a bad level, just something I can notice and work with. Honestly I love to share, but the realization I don't have to share the hugs is a huge comfort for me. Nice not to have to share everything all the time. Thank you my dear for phrasing it that way 

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and say that I'm happy that you have a good t and that it's going well. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Hope! 


Haven't posted in a bit. This is going to be a bit of an odd post as I just have a lot of realizations I want to put down.

-It has been a year since I started this chapter of my life... with the job that screwed me financially and put me in my current hole. Then with the break up with my last ex. Man it has been a crazy twelve months since those both happened. I struggled with suicidal thoughts, and depression but came out of it. Just to be struggling financially for the better part of a year, and still now if I am honest.

-that ex did more damage than I would like to admit. I still have the affects from that relationship in me, not all of them, but it still affects my being. Goodness it struck me deep

-I have food in my apartment. More food than I have had access to in over a year. I know it is because my roomate qualifies fir food assistance but goodness it feels good to be able to eat when hungry.

-I dont play often, not in the sense that we mean it in recovery. Sure I do some fun things and allow myself to play video games etc, but I don't truly Play. I did last night. Went on a walk in the rainstorm, barefoot snd just soaking jt in. I allowed myself to just enjoy and be. That kind of play in puddles and feel the running water on my toes. My inner child and adult self needed that so much.


-my roommate, where she is one of my best friends, is triggering fir me lately. Her health issues have spiked and it is similar to my M when I was younger. I recognizw she isn't my M and that she doesn't expect of me what my M did but it is hard to go through and similar things. I need to work on this

-my yoga training may need to wait. I want to be financially stable when I do it and that won't happen by January. If it does taking thay class would take that away again.


There is more but these will come slowly today. I have my session tonight which will be great. Not sure where to focus my energy yet

[sanmagic7]

 

love you my dearest el.

[Elphanigh]

Love you too San  Always brightens my day to hear from you

[Deep Blue]

I haven't been posting much lately, but I wanted to pop in and say that I'm still always reading your posts.  I have so much love for you and think you are doing a good job taking stock of what's around you.

It's good that you realize that your roomie is triggering and why.  That why will hopefully help your feelings sort it out a bit,

Take good care always
Deep Blue

[Elphanigh]

Deep blue, I am glad to hear from you. I hope all is well. Thank you for keeping up with my post and chiming in with encouraging words! I can always use those 

[Elphanigh]

Starting an even newer limb of emdr next week. We laid ground work and discussed it heavily in session today. I am always glad that we chat and she explains the intellectual bits to me because she has figured out that's how my brain needs to first conceptulize things to make decisions. I am excited for the new adventure and have been drawing connects in my brain all night. I love it, and it is a great sign this new bit of healing really resonates with what I need.

I also got some added validation today, think I needed the boost today just as reassurance I am choosing the right time to make this journey. It often looks from the outside like I am sitting very still at the moment, because I am not moving cities or striving after some very visible goal or degree etc. I am choosing to focus on healing and becoming the best version of myself. That means a lot of energy is being sent inward, and that I haven't made decisions for careers and things. I recognize now that I don't have to. I am doing thing in my own rhythm and I am lucky to be at a stage where I can heal so early.

My T told me today she forgets I am only 24, not because I look older (actually look younger *sigh*) but because of how much work I have done and put in. That She was so in awe and excited to know I would have the rest of my life in this better place because all the work I have done. It was a really sweet moment, can tell she has come to care for me and have hope in me more than I realized previously.

She used to tell me similar things when I first started with her, because I did put in a lot of work even by myself as a teenager when I could see the damage and read books about PTSD and abuse. I drew lines and connections all over the place even when I was still being actively abused in an environment that would have preferred that I didn't find those connections. I just needed someone to fill in blanks, and help build the foundation with all the crap I had learned and observed. I got really lucky, but also made such a conscious decision to be doing this. I searched for someone that would fit and be those missing pieces. I amchoosing to pause and put some other thing straight on hold so when I go forward it will be from a place of authenticity that I know is fully me. It won't be the voices of my past both far and recent.

I spent the first twenty, really 22 years of my life in some form of abuse (minor into the later ones) and I am sitting here truly feeling like I am out of that. I can say I haven't had anyone abusive in my life in a year. That I haven't allowed it, and never will again. I have worked so hard to get to a point where that was my truth and it is. I got dealt some really awful cards in life, but I have hope for some better ones now. I am for once proud of myself for pausing and taking the time in my life to do this, for not getting stuck on the doctorate track and ignoring my own well being in the process.

I am more writing this for the days I don't feel that way. For the days I wish to not be sitting still and learning about emotions and spending time in my own head rooting through traumas and how they affect me now. I don't always like sittings still watching my peers shake and move, but at the moment I recognize it's value. I see the giant movement inside that not a lot of people get to see.

Anyways, thank you for letting me share and being such an instrumental part of all of this in the last year. Not sure where I would have been without people here many times.. can't imagine it any other way.