Journal : Into Tomorrow

[karbon]

I'm done playing games. The ones I play, trying to make things better but only succeeding in setting myself up for failure.

I am done playing the game where I count how many days pass by until family decide to call me. Reinforcing that I could be dead for a month and they'd never know. That's not a game I'm going to play anymore. I don't win. They don't win.

I am done playing the game where I give and give and give, because I think if I can lodge a certain amount of favors and debt owed, a person can't leave. I am done where I surrender EVERYTHING, my values, my self-esteem, my individual needs, all for them in some desperate ploy that I won't be triggered through repeat abandonment. I don't win at this game. I don't want to play it anymore.

I am done playing the game where I feed my loneliness through food. I pamper and coddle my food-addiction, because in the moment it feel's better that the depression, the anxiety, the quietness. This game will kill me if I don't get out now. Maybe not now, maybe not in twenty years, but eventually it will catch up to me.

I am done with the game of doomsday. Where I build every situation up in my head, think of worst terms possible and decide I can survive that and hope it won't end up being worst of the worst. I am done living in terms of what I 'chose' to think I can survive and what I can't. I will let the universe be and find a way to flow, to be flexible - to bend.

I'm done with the game of feeling sad and romanticizing the thought of people around me dying. Because then it's over. The relief that comes with the games being over, with finally having a reason to be sad over something tragic and human, something tangible for other's to see. I am not interested in this game. I will due to other's what is due to them. I will own the feelings. I will no longer protect them from the damage they have done. I will knock down my walls to build a more flexible barrier - that allows for more options than a simple 'all in' or 'all out' function that no relationship can survive through. I am very much done with this game. It only hurts me.

I am through with these games. I am through with them because they create fronts and distractions so I don't feel the real emotions attached that I need to feel, so I don't gather the confidence to confront and have conversations that need to be said. I have always glorified the ability to door slam, that I believe many of us adapt to and build through the manifestation of our post-traumatic stress disorders. While door slams hold a purpose, and each must decide the right path for themselves, I am old enough and capable enough to have the hard discussions, to stand my ground and at least communicate my needs and see if the other person is receptive and respectful that I deserve these needs to be met, and to decide the outcome from there. I am tired of 'all' or 'nothing'. I can't survive it. I'm not sure anyone can.

My journey of healing starts with ending these games, with no longer condoning these self-destructive behaviors, this self-sacrifice in relationships that in essence, is selflessly tied to manipulating people to stay. I'm embracing the fear, so I can find the courage to move forward - towards tomorrow. I hope it's brighter. I chose to believe it will be.

[sanmagic7]

wow, karbon.  that's a whole bunch of games that you're quitting.  i agree with you on all of them, know them firsthand for many of the same reasons. 

i wasn't able to quit them all at once, tho.  they became individual goals that i've tackled one at a time, for the most part.  for me, i had to realize which games i was playing, and i didn't know them all at the same time.  different, not better or worse.  i probably could have saved a lot of time and energy if i had been able to recognize them sooner, to say nothing about physical ailments and afflictions.

however, i do agree that they can kill us.  i've been on that doorstep more than once.

may i offer a hug full of support for you in these game-ending realizations,  with strength, determination, and the perseverance to see them thru.  and, please know that it's ok not to do them all at once.  sometimes they throw us a curve we don't expect, but that's not on us.  it's ok to take the time you need, so i hope you can also be patient with yourself.    best to you with this, karbon.

[alliematt]

I thought this looked like a new person's journal.  Welcome.

[karbon]

Lately I've become obsessed with adding to my collection of trauma and PTSD focused library. It's a worthy investment, since my schooling is rooted in clinical psych and a desire that my own suffering and war-torn parts may one day benefit other's through a focused compassion and fueled-drive to learn how trauma's evolve within the soul. I picked up Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher and her classification of what trauma can end up being originally diagnosed as was so reassuring.

The first time I attended counseling, it was straight after my parents had divorced. My mom wanted us 'checked out' like a physical to ensure we were alright. A stranger met with us, and we all nodded are heads and said we were all right - not much was changing and for myself, I was still a bit in shock. Three month's later he would be e-mailing my mom, telling her that he couldn't handle kids and at 14, a dad who had been involved and in my life every day, chose to disappear.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if my mother had lied, told us he was killed in a hit and run.

The second time I attended counseling, I just remember being angry. The counselor was terrible. It was between my mother and I, who felt we would benefit from going to counseling together since I had become distant and argumentative through college. We were always at each other's throats. And the only proof I had of her loving me was the monthly bank account deposits. I loved those deposits - at least they took care of me. We didn't get anything out of those sessions. I can vividly remember a tornado warning happening during one of them, and I was horrified at the idea of being trapped longer than an hour with my tearful mother and a therapist who kept parroting everything I said.

I packed up my car and moved across the freaking country after that. Right after college, I was gone. Believing I was moving onto something better - but in reality I was running away. I couldn't see how anything good could happen in that mediocre town.

The third time I went to see a therapist, she smiled calmly and told me I had an adjustment stress disorder and situational anxiety. It was a reflection against a lot of changes trying to get settled and build a new life in a new town without any support and once I fixed my current situation, it would all go away. I fixed my current situation. I got a better job. I got a roommate to help with the finances. I stopped therapy, feeling in the moment that I had 'fixed' what I needed to fix and it would go away. The anxiety didn't go away. The depressive episodes, that I didn't realize were depressive episodes did not go away. The suicidal ideation did not go away. The terror of relationships, but the draw and desire to have meaningful connection and contact, it did not go away.

But I had always been able to survive with those symptoms, they had in a way become a core part of me. I had found measures and methods to distract and dissociate away from them. I honestly don't know what woke me up, to realizing how many of my behaviors stemmed from avoiding and deflecting, re-triggering and an isolated amount of pain and grief that had never been respected and validated. I easily numbed myself for over a decade on the pain of my father's abandonment. I don't believe I am fully awake and conscious to it, even now. I'm more aware, but those self-destructive behaviors trickle in from time to time. Every book I read tells me that trauma is relationship-based, and so you cannot heal without the support of a relationship, to re-teach you that not everyone and everything is to be feared and treated with suspicion and caution.

I went to see a therapist for round four, and didn't make a good connection. I know I need to gather the courage for round five but I'm getting so tired of failed attempt after failed attempt. I can't walk into another session and be met with a therapist who invalidates what to my core, I need to be true. I need the validation of the correct mental health diagnosis. I can't be told I 'just have generalized anxiety' or I just have 'situational' anything. The pain is too deep for that, it's become attached to me and I need the steady hands of an experienced surgeon, not another colorful pill.

[Deep Blue]

Karbon,
The thoughtfulness of these journals is eye opening to me.  I admire your clarity and conviction.  Your ability to express what is in your heart is unique.  Thanks for letting us share in your journey.

Deep Blue

[DecimalRocket]

It seems that it's rare in society to meet professionals in therapy who'll really deeply listen to you. They decide on a diagnosis too quickly, and they have too much faith in themselves as "experts".

Those scientific studies may be true for a population as a whole, but it could be different or expressed differently in a specific person. They lack the ability to weave the collective and individual perspectives of a person together — especially the latter where they have to truly listen to the patient they're supposed to help.

Well, take care. And I hope that even after a long search, you'll find someone to listen to you, whether that may be a therapist or yourself.

[karbon]

By chance while researching Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, I came upon the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Academy webpage which had a 'find a counselor near you' button. I've been interested in receiving specialized treatment from trained counselors before - and typically am met with disappointment that there isn't a therapist within the state who practice that modality of treatment. I lucked out this time, with only 1 counselor in my immediate area (and very few in the state). Of course, since this counselor has specialized training all of the costs are out of pocket. Not that it matters anyways, insurance isn't going to pay for a mental health diagnosis that has yet to be approved by our diagnostic manual.

I wrestled with the decision all night over the pricing of the therapy, it's marginally do-able for me from a financial stand point and certainly not for long-term. I'll only be about to do once a week for a month, maybe six weeks. I think a part of me hoped the 15 minute consultation over the phone would go poorly. Within minutes she briefly mentioned that she could already tell part of the healing would be 'helping me feel safe in my own skin' and I don't think anyone has ever been able to so adeptly put it. I filled out the paperwork online, involving a serious autobiography of questions. I've read so much on Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, of conflicting parts and the current treatments available for CPTSD. Through that I've only begun to understand some of the dangerous and self-inflicting behaviors I have condoned through numbing and puling away from being emotionally invested in myself.

I am so tired of getting everything done, of my body being in alert to 'survive' through what HAS to be done - school, work and taking care of my dog. I'm tired of feeling as if relationships are impossible for me, of recoiling from people touching me or becoming so heightened and distraught when a friend puts their hand on my shoulder - with having no idea why I have such a strong reaction to it. Recently a few of my 'freeze' behaviors have gotten worse, and I hope in the end the results will be worth the investment and financial stress.

I really, really hope this counseling will work. I've been so frustrated over the last counselors I've seen. Even within the 15 minute consultation I warned her that I had a habit of ghosting after the second session. I am trying to find and hold onto the hope that healing is possible, and that what I am currently experiencing is not my 'state of normal' because that really touches on my deepest fear - of being frozen and untreatable.

[karbon]

I've been in recovery from my ED for about two weeks now. September 3rd will be the mile marker of 30 days. Luckily I am extremely competitive , especially against myself. So the past two week's any desire to engage in an old behavior has been thwarted by my simple desire to see this new journey out and to make the next mile marker. I had a date planned for today, that I've been genuinely excited for. When it looked like there was a chance the date wouldn't happen, instead of caving into toxic shame I planned alternative activities to deal with the disappointment, including making either an OA meeting or Yoga. I missed the OA Meeting but had enough time for Yin Yoga - so off I went. I don't typically enjoy the slow holds. I'm more of a VInyasa or Hatha girl, but this Yin Class was amazing. As I was sinking into one of the postures, it's like all the anger aimed towards my FOO just went flickering. I could painful words my mother has stated in the past, but there was a new understanding - these were not "her" words. This was her inner child. Angry. Lonely. Needing. Isolated. Demanding it be her turn, that someone finally take care of her.

I couldn't be mad anymore. It be like holding anger against my own inner child while I am practicing Ahimsa and self-compassion. I could see that inner child out of my mother so clearly, that it just melted all the anger and old bitter resentment away. Understanding the parts of CPTSD has been so revealing and helpful in treatment, not only in understanding myself but being able to gain a more compassionate viewpoint of my FOO. Between finding a therapist specializing in CPTSD and identifying with having an ED and starting the twelve steps, I've found more peace and gratitude that I ever imagined possible.

[karbon]

Potential TW for anyone going through ED with C-PTSD.

My insomnia has become disgusting since I got into recovery for bulimia and emotional overeating. I haven't had a single easy sleeping day in the past month, and it had been occurring frequently enough since then to be frustrating. I had an appointment with a new primary to see about sleeping aids, but all the research I've looked into says to try CBT along with a guideline of what to do and what not to do before sleep. None of the sleeping aids look like great choices. I'm working out 2 - 3 times a day doing different exercises - hour of weights, hour of yoga, hour of walking/running the dog around the block. Just trying to exhaust my body, and nothings working.

I have to keep getting up early for my schedule and it's beginning to affect my work outs, which I am hating. The only reason I can come up with my flair of insomnia is ending the ED behaviors has really intensified my anxiety at night. I wouldn't call them straight up panic attacks at night, but it's not pleasant and relaxing just feels impossible. Only thing I've found to semi-help is a medicinal herb, but it tends to make me drowsy in the morning and the FDA is chomping to turn it into a controlled substance, so who know's how long I'll even have that to help. I'm already receiving therapy and there's so much work to be done on boundaries and feeling safe, I hate to waste too much time in session going back and forth about the insomnia when I'm hoping as the ED goes farther and farther into recovery, so will the sleeping disorder.

It tends to cycle, so here's wishful thinking since i've been 'ON' with insomnia for 4 weeks straight now, I'll get some relief soon and it clicks 'OFF' for at least a few months.