Hello, New Here

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MellowMelody

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Hello, New Here
« on: May 16, 2018, 06:42:57 PM »
Hey there,

I joined this forum because, like everyone else here, I am dealing with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (cptsd). My cptsd started in childhood. I don't want to go into to many details, but it involved physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I never really knew that what happened in my childhood was abusive, until I had a serious emotional meltdown about 3 years ago. I went to a therapist because I felt like nobody liked me. I felt deeply alone. I considered myself to have no friends and to be utterly unlikable no matter what I said or did to please others. This caring, amazing therapist starting asking about my family, and suddenly it all came pouring out.

At first it was an enormous rush, a relief. Finally I had someone who believed me. This was huge for me. I remember crying like I had never cried before because for the first time, someone actually listen to me, believed me, and cared about me. For my entire childhood, my negative experiences were minimized and ignored. I experienced intense gaslighting, and also I was told to not tell anyone about my negative, traumatic childhood experiences. I'm sure many of you can relate to the intense brainwashing that gaslighting causes in those who are its target. So from that breakthrough moment with my therapist years ago, I finally realized that I had suffered a terrible childhood pain.

Recovery has been long, slow, and sometimes cyclical. I am mostly able to mask that there is anything wrong with me. Most people would be shocked to know of the deep pain that is inside me, the deep pain that childhood abandonment causes. Sometimes I think this pain can never go away, but instead, my task is to learn how to move on from it.

My biggest trigger is when I share my pain with others, only to be met with disbelief, minimizing or gaslighting. That really sets me off into a negative spiral. My go-to response to triggers is to isolate myself, just as I would hide in my room as a child, to avoid the crazy home environment that I grew up in.

Nowadays, I live with my fiance, in an entirely different country from I grew up. What can I say--running away, hiding, and distance are my go-to responses! This time though, I realize that I need distance from my parents (and those who gaslight me) to finally set a proper foundation for recovery. Lately, I am struggling with my fiance, who also has his own childhood traumas to deal with, but now HE is the one who doesn't really listen to me and often minimizes my experiences. Sometimes, I wonder if I am meant to be alone forever, closing myself off from the rest of the world.

Anyway, thank you for reading this introduction. I really appreciate this space, and I feel less alone when I talk to others who know this pain and know the long arc of recovery.

Thank you!
« Last Edit: May 16, 2018, 06:59:24 PM by MellowMelody »

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Deep Blue

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Re: Hello, New Here
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2018, 09:47:01 PM »
Hello MellowMelody,
Recovery has been long, slow, and sometimes cyclical. I am mostly able to mask that there is anything wrong with me. Most people would be shocked to know of the deep pain that is inside me, the deep pain that childhood abandonment causes.

What you said really resonated with me.  People would be shocked if they knew what goes on in my mind.  I also have several masks I wear.  Welcome to the forum. I think you will find the people here very insightful, nonjudgmental and helpful as you are on this journey.

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MellowMelody

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Re: Hello, New Here
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2018, 06:03:21 AM »
Thank you for the warm welcome. I feel  much less alone when I am among others who understand. It is very sad to isolate ourselves because of our past experiences. I sometimes wonder if I can only relate to others who have cptsd and are also in recovery. It can feel very scary to open up to someone else about what we have experienced. Even when I explain to my fiance what is going on, he still doesn't understand. For a long time, he kept convincing me to forgive my parents and still communicate with them. He was so detrimental to my recovery that I had several lapses from his insisting.

People who are not in recovery of cptsd just don't seem to understand. Moreover, people like us who experienced long-term childhood trauma are seen as the bad seeds, the bad child, etc... It can be very isolating. So I am glad I found this place. I am reading other introduction posts and can relate so much to others here. Thank you.

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ah

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Re: Hello, New Here
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2018, 06:33:34 AM »
Hi MellowMelody  :heythere:

So much of what you described is familiar to me too. When I started reading about cptsd I was stunned at how familiar it all sounded, like the writer was describing my own feelings. 

And, the brainwashing...  :blink: yes, it's beyond terrible.
I think this is a place where people have gone through it, and know what it's like.

I loved what you said about one's task being to move on from pain, rather than trying to make it go away. I hope we'll all be able to do just that.
I'm not glad you had to go through so much pain, but I'm glad you're here.

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Sceal

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Re: Hello, New Here
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2018, 07:59:48 AM »
Hello!

I just wanted to pop by and welcome you to the forum.  :heythere:
I hope this site will help you in your next steps in healing and progression.
I am sorry to hear that your fiance is now not listening to you - have to tried telling him the affect he has on you when he's minimizing your pain? You say he is also trying to overcome childhood trauma, perhaps he doesn't mean to not listen, but is in a place where it's hard to realize the impact of his actions?