My father died

[Megwyn]

Just over a month ago, my father died. It's reopened all the wounds. I'm not good at dealing with these feelings. Historically I have distracted myself from the pain by becoming productive. This has now become a form of self harm as I now suffer chronic physical pain as well secondary to an injury nearly two years ago.

I tend to boom and bust, and had been dealing really well with pacing myself most of the time. Now I'm either struggling to get out of bed, or pushing myself to complete a project to feel accomplished. The pain is demoralising and makes staying positive difficult.

I have been seeing a therapist. Yesterday I found out we have only two more sessions left in this pain programme. I'm not sure I can continue to see him. We are only just starting to get to the chronic abuse of my childhood. I guess I am feeling abandoned in advance.

I'm in a state of deep sorrow. It's not for loss of my father - he's been dead to me for around four years. My mother though is trying to reach out again, but always with criticism. I can do that for myself, and when it comes from her, I go into rabbit - or play dead mode. My brain freezes, I cannot think.

I'm sorry, this is a ramble. I will come back and re-read, and edit if necessary, once I can read again.

Thank you.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Megwyn.  Your post is perfectly comprehensible. (No need to produce publishable works here.)

So sorry that it seems as if your sessions are running out. No way to apply for more? I know it varies by country and other factors. I know it can be triggering too. And it often does take a good while to get to the abuse when you're in therapy. It's not something you can tackle right away usually.

I'm sorry for all the physical and emotional pain you're in too, not to mention your mother criticising you  Seems to happen all at once. I'm glad you found us just when you need us though. This is a very supportive forum and plenty of members who have been in your shoes in some way or other.

May I offer a safe, gentle  ?

[Deep Blue]

Hello Megwyn,
I like what you said about boom and bust.  I feel myself doing the same.  One of the positives I've learned from this forum is when I am in a "bust" I don't have to suffer it alone.
Welcome 

[Megwyn]

Thank you Blueberry. I'll have to talk to my therapist next week and see if it's possible.

Thank you Deep Blue , I'm not accustomed to compassion, it's brought me to tears. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Dear megwyn
Gentle wishes and care being sent your way.
Re your therapist that sounds not easy if u are starting to look at abuse and then the sessions are ending .. are there avenues you can look at to starting some trauma therapy ? I am in the U.K. so could point u if u are here ?
Re critical m I understand I have one of those too . I don't have contact with mine now... do u know about the sister site 'out of the fog' may be helpful for you or the tab on this forum re having a abusive parent

[radical]

I'm sorry Megwyn for what you are going through, so hard.
I wish I could give more than words to help.
You  are in the right place.  I'm glad you were able to share your sorrow and anxiety with us, and hope you will feel safe enough to stay for a while.  I've found this forum kind and caring and it sounds like you need lashings of both.
Please be as kind to yourself as you are able.
Sending caring thoughts.

[seekingthelight]

Good Morning Megwyn:

This is my first reply, so I apologize in advance if I mess up the lingo and/or talk about myself too much. I'm truly sorry to hear about what you've gone through, yet it sounds like you're doing everything you can to help yourself.

My 95 year-old father died in December of 2016, and I maintained a relationship with him out of a sense of obligation. His death brought some relief, as his emotional neglect, incompetence, verbal abuse, and controlling manner destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence. It took me hours to recover from every visit, yet I tried to rationalize it by thinking about his life as a Holocaust survivor.

I've had a similar experience with therapists who could only offer limited sessions due to funding limitations, and I found it incredibly painful to be ripped away from someone I shared a strong connection with. We may have free health care in Canada, yet the waiting lists are daunting, and the quality of care varies greatly. Support groups have been hit-and-miss, yet there are some good ones.

I wish you every good thing, and hope you manage to find an open-ended therapist who can really help you heal.