Hello, I Grew Up in Children's Homes

[Jimmy]

Hi,

I'm pleased to be able to join this Forum. I know that C-PTSD results from a wide variety of circumstances. However, I chose to highlight that I grew up in children's homes because I know that many other people who grew up in children's homes and/or foster care with a family will be dealing with C-PTSD and I thought they might be interested in my own experience. I will write about that at more length in other posts.

For now, I just want to say a few things by way of introduction:
- I was in children's homes for 14 years as a child. One or two were OK but the main one was run by a strict, violent and abusive woman for many years.
- I'm in my fifties now but I still deal with the effects of my childhood on a daily basis. The symptoms of C-PTSD loom large, as does an attachment disorder.
- I am getting better, year-by-year. About five years ago, I took a year of unpaid leave from work because I was gradually getting worse at everything. Since then, I have been slowly gaining more control of my mind and emotions. I have a long way to go but at least I am heading in the right direction.
- I have been relatively successful in career terms and am aware of many others from my background who had very difficult experiences when growing up in care and have had their lives very badly effected.
- I have worked with various therapists but the bulk of my recovery has been through extensive writing about my past. I have written and edited hundreds of thousands of words about it and it has slowly helped me to understand myself and make different choices in life.

I will look forward to engaging with many of you.

Jim

[Anamiame]

Thanks for sharing Jimmy.  No child should end up in foster care--I firmly believe that after my 13 years as a children's social worker.  I'm glad you found a creative way to help yourself heal.  This place is very supportive and caring. 

Welcome!

[Jimmy]

Thankyou Anamiame,

I appreciate your kind welcome. When I was introduced to C-PTSD a few years ago by a therapist I instantly recognised that it was the appropriate description for the after-effects of my childhood. Indeed, it was the description on 'Out of the Fog' that I read first. There are various ways of dealing with it, I think, and I feel lucky to have found things that help a lot. Even today, after an extremely stressful day at work, I'd give myself about 7 out of 10 for how I handled it.

By the way, although most people call me Jim, I chose 'Jimmy' as my Forum name because that was what I believe my mother called me as a child, before she entered a mental hospital when I was three. After that, only my father ever called me Jimmy. It is a nice way of remembering her to use that name here.

Good luck with your own journey,

Jim

[Kizzie]

Hi Jimmy and a warm welcome to OOTS    That's a lovely remembrance of your mother to use her name for you here. I was struck by the thought when I read that that perhaps it's a way of reclaiming the child you were before things went so badly and you ended up in care. Just a thought FWIW. 

How fortunate you were to have found a T who knows what CPTSD is and to head you in the right direction in terms of treatment years ago. I wish I'd come across it years even decades ago as I felt like I was wandering around in a fog for such a long time.  When I did though what an eye opener and like you I too instantly recognized myself in the symptoms.  Such a relief in one way and very overwhelming in another 

A 7 out of 10 after a stressful day is great for anyone, and positively super given you have CPTSD.  Maybe you can share some of your techniques with us, we're always interested in things that have worked for others.  Writing does seem to be a popular way of working through the trauma for many members so you're in good company here.

Glad to have you here with us! 

[Jimmy]

Hello Kizzie,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. They were helpful. In terms of techniques, I will probably write more elsewhere. However, it is worth stating my main one. This is based around writing up all my childhood memories and reflecting upon them. I do this by editing them. This is important, because it is easy to brood and go round in circles if one is not careful. However, I find that a process of writing, reading, editing and reflecting helps me to move forward gradually. I see patterns that I have never seen before, for one thing. I even write separate 'essays' on different aspects of my past experience, often using reading. I have hundreds of thousands of words (probably around half a million, by now) written up in this way. I also use photographs. It is very rare for children in care from my era to have many photographs from that time, but I am lucky to have quite a few and I use them in my reflections.

I would also count myself as a Stoic, in that I use a lot of Stoic philosophy and try to incorporate it into my life. I have lots of other techniques, so that if one isn't working I can switch to another. For example, I often think about my own death and that it could happen at any time. I can think it through in detail. This helps me to appreciate how precious the present is and that I should get on with enjoying life while I still have the time. There are plenty of other techniques I use but that will probably do for now.

Thanks again,

Jim

[C.]

Welcome Jimmy.  Thank you for the concrete description of how you use your writing to heal.  I hadn't thought about the value of re-reading and editing.  It sounds like you've processed a lot already.  I look forward to learning here together.

[Jimmy]

Hello C,

I'm pleased that you found my description helpful. My practice of re-reading and editing what I write about my past is important. It leads to insights and progress that I don't think I would get otherwise. As well as writing about my past, I also keep a daily journal which I dip into frequently. I find it helps me pull back from my everyday emotional reactions and get some perspective on them. I also find writing a very calming experience.

Good luck with your journey,

Jimmy