Hi (Trigger Warning)

[Etherley7]

Hi, not sure where to begin. I've never joined a forum or anything so if I'm doing this wrong then please let me know.
I have recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my mental health nurse suspects CPTSD. Since reading up on the symptoms I'm scared but relieved that I'm not the only person who thinks the way that I do.
I had an incredibly tough childhood, alcoholic, abusive and neglectful  mother, sexually abusive father. From age 12 moved to four different relatives/foster carers. My only supportive and loving relative being my grandmother. She was then murdered by my uncle shortly after my 19th birthday and shortly before the birth of my daughter.
I have always been so determined that my life would not be defined by my past, I've raised two beautiful kids and have a very demanding job which ive worked hard to achieve.
In the last 4/5 years since I got divorced, I've started to feel things falling apart. I'm clingy in relationships, but I have no friends.
I lie all the time, not maliciously but I don't have it in me to admit if I've made a mistake or if something is going wrong I will hide it.
I can't bear it if my current partner is unhappy with me, I hide anything negative and if he's annoyed with me I feel so upset and convince myself that he is going to leave me.
In a work environment I am so focussed on having the approval of my superiors that I often overload myself with jobs or working overtime or allow myself to be treated poorly in comparison to others on my level.
I just want to get better
I want to be more truthful and confident and not feel like everything is out of control.
Has anyone been in my situation? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Can anyone recommend anything that I can do myself to feel better quicker?
Thanks

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum, Etherley!

[California Dreaming]

Welcome Etherley. I agree that you "had an incredibly tough childhood," and an incredibly traumatic event at 19. I am not sure if you are seeing your mental health nurse for counseling. If not, forming a healthy relationship with a counselor can go a long way in healing your incredibly deep wounding. I have an extensive trauma history and can tell you that for me it has gotten better. It has not in any way been an easy or short process, but it has lead to much healing. You have taken a BIG step by reaching out to the OOTS community to help support you.

[Deep Blue]

Hello Etherley,
welcome to the forum.  Yes it gets better, yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is a long arduous journey and I have found that when I try to rush recovery I stumble.  I am learning that baby steps still get us places.  I understand that compulsion to want to get better quickly, but the truth is, our trauma took place over a long time.  We need to heal from the inside out and not just put a bandaid on it. 

Warm wishes 

[Kizzie]

Hi Etherley and a very warm welcome to OOTS     From what you describe in your post both in terms of what you went through and your symptoms it sounds like you are in the right place.  So terribly sorry about your Grandmother, I can only imagine how difficult that must have been and likely still is for you   Abuse and loss represent significant trauma and unless we have supportive, caring people in our lives to help us through that,  many of us do develop CPTSD. 

Before I knew I have CPTSD I went to an Adult Children of Alcoholics group and one of the things that came up a lot is "Adult children of alcoholics lie when the truth would do."  It's a symptom of not feeling we are ever right or good enough, that we must hide and protect ourselves so you're not alone with respect to lying.  The same goes for relationships - it's hard to open up and trust anyone when the people who are supposed to love us abuse us.  It makes sense not to be involved when you think about, at least it did back then but it invites loneliness in the present.   Approval means we are worthy, safe so again it's perfectly understandable we would need and want that 

As you see, you are in the right place as most of us have symptoms similar  to what you're experiencing.  We do get it and because of that hopefully you will feel okay about being more open and honest here and then in your daily life.