Afraid I'll mess it all up...

[kdke]

I'm dating a new person; we've been steady for three weeks now and are getting comfy with each other. I know he's head over heels for me, and I feel very safe and happy with him.

I don't think I'm as in love with him as he is with me, but I love being with him. Like I said--I feel safe, comfortable, and like I found a really great guy. I feel very fortunate and I respect that. I do have very strong feelings for him and they steadily grow; there's just some hesitation that lies in my way.

I've had attachment issues for a long time because of my cPTSD. Getting close and staying close is difficult for me; it's not so much that I lose interest as it feels overwhleming and I tire out after a while. I start to doubt myself and sometimes I just get scared to let my potential partner get too close.

I'm not always the best person ever when I'm too familiar with someone. My triggers express themselves more freely because I feel safe, and those have been overwhelming for others in the past. Granted, I've gotten better, but people are not stupid; they can hear the strain in my voice, the frustration and irritability that I'm trying to control because something unimportant set me off.

And I guess that's the problem, is that I'm very mindful of the fact that my reactions to certain triggers are irrational. They're based on trauma that happened long ago and haven't happened again. So when I get irritated or upset or snappy, I've taught myself to try my very hardest to acknowledge it and apologize. I don't want anyone to feel victimized by my behaviors, even though my behavior is a result of cPTSD. I'm still responsible for those things.

So I'm scared right now. I'm scared that as I get closer to this amazing guy, everything will start to come out. He knows that I have cPTSD and has told me that it doesn't change his mind about me; of course, it's easy to say such things when you've yet to experience it from a loved one. I'm afraid I'll have a bad day and he'll be like, "Yikes."

Part of me is scared of making his life darker because of my illness.

[Rainagain]

I don't find being up front about having cptsd makes much difference as people don't understand what it entails.

But it is the right and honest thing to do.

I can understand why you are worried, you know all the pitfalls and difficulties you will have to face.

I wish you all the best.