How to deal with FOO members after going NC with just PDM?

[LittleBoat]

I have been NC with my PDM for at least a year, maybe two.  I said Merry Christmas on phone.  Other than that, nothing.  I was her SG.  My older siblings are oblivious to my memories, in deep denial, yet I suspect my older sister knows something was up, based on things she's said and done.  Otherwise, the denial from my sister and brother crushes me.  I have had to scale back my contact with them, almost to nothing in order to avoid triggering.  But they don't reach out much at all, anyway.  However, my sister has left two phone calls and a text over the last week (occurring near Mothers Day).  She is in late-stage renal cancer, so it is sad that we are not in better contact.  But I so fear that my mother is using her as a conduit to get at me.  I fear my mother is also using my elderly aunt, who is fully aware of the abuse, as she suffered it herself, at the hands of both my PDM and PDF (her brother) all her life.  I can live without talking to my sibs (however unnatural it feels), because they are in denial.  But my aunt loves me dearly and played a protective role when I was a kid and throughout my life.  She is the only family member I can freely talk with about my struggles, but my mother seems to have figured out a way to make her vulnerable and hoover through her.  So I've had to cut off talking with her, as well.  I am extremely self protective right now, as I am working very hard on recovery and am very easily triggered.  How do others handle what feels like a dangerous (and tragic) balancing act of who to talk with and when?  If there is another thread that addresses this issue, I would be grateful if you could point me in that direction.  Thank you, LittleBoat

[salto]

I'm crying a tear for you (which is pretty unusual for me to do).  I've been NC with my mum almost a year and have felt your pain about dealing with FOO, denial, and betrayal. What I have found most helpful, is to have a few trusted people remind me of why I went NC. Along with holding my hand while navigating through the FOO landscape..... Remember, your aunt might need you as much as you need her!

[Blueberry]

LittleBoat, in one way or another I think a lot of us who go VVVLC or NC end up with these kinds of questions and agonising decisions. I certainly have done.  I don't know if there's one thread on it. I've written a lot of my FOO problems under Recovery Letters and some also in my current Journal and previous one. In my case, it would be a lot of writing to sift through. I do find it helps me to read what others have written on this kindof topic. Maybe it would help you too?

I also go over to our sister website OOTF quite a bit and read threads on dealing with Parents With a PD, Siblings With a PD. There's a lot of experience and knowledge over there, far more members for a start. If I get triggered over there, then I come back here.

[finallyfree]

Dear Littleboat,what a sad situation your facing, of course your PDM is attempting to hoover you through your kind aunt, who is ill. There is no clear answer here, on the one hand you do not want to lose your relationship with your aunt, the one family member that understand's you and has been supportive. Then you also do not need the triggers and false sense of obligation and guilt that your mom attempts through your aunt. Is there anyway you can explain to your aunt you want and value your relationship with her but can not take knowing anything at all about your mom and family? At least not right now. I know this might not be possible especially while your aunt is ill, I just hate to see them steal that relationship from you as well. I too have had to sacrifice relationships with certain family members just to insulate myself from my FOO's reach. I hope you can find a compromise and if not at least you know you tried. If your just not up to it then so be it, I feel like it is so important to put your needs and feelings first above everyone else. I too was the SG of my family and with that comes a pattern, it is almost a reflex of putting all of their wants, needs and feelings above our own. I wish you all the best and hope you find a solution you can live with in peace.  Be first in your life!