Jazzy's... Jazz

[Jazzy]

Take 137.... and action!

I'm still learning a lot about the reality of my situation. Basically, I've been almost permanently in a state of dissociation. It's the only way I could get by as a child, and now that it's not needed so often, I have no idea what else to do. Even these words... they make sense and all, but the actual reality of it is amazing.  I've known for about 6 months now that I dissociate a lot, but I'm still learning what that really means.

After my recent visit to the hospital, I've also learned that anxiety comes in more than 1 flavour. It's such a tricky little witch. I have no idea how to talk about anxiety when it is so different, but has the same label. If I can figure it out though, hopefully it will help a lot with the medication treatment. It seems like I'm back to looking for something that doesn't leave me crippled from either anxiety or sedation.

Things are improving over all though, I can tell. Those moments of everything not being gone to * are more often now.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like progress to me, jazzy, and for that i'm glad for you.  good luck with your meds - i hope they're a good fit.

anxiety is tricky.  hard to explain, hard to deal with.  best to you with all of it.   warm, loving hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

Anxiety can be tricky to word, I know. Lots of people use metaphors, music, art, movements or other creative ventures to describe the subtle difference to it I recall though.

Anyway, take care. 

[Jazzy]

Psychiatrist gave me some anti-anxiety meds, and some sedatives in case things get out of hand again. Hopefully adjustment goes smoothly and they work well. Things seem to be going well so far (although I am more tired throughout the day). They seem to help my sleeping though, so that's good. It's so nice to actually be able to enjoy sleeping and waking up in a clean bed, instead of drenched in sweat from night terrors.

The biggest thing I'm trying to work on right now, is to learn to identify hunger and tiredness. Recently, when my mood declines sharply, I eat. If eating doesn't help, I go to sleep for a bit. If that doesn't help, I wait another 6-8 hours and try again. It's not a great system, but seems to be working better than no system. I'm surprised how much eating more has been helping. I'm concerned that I don't know how to feel hunger/eat properly, but I'm not gaining weight, so the extra is fine I think.

I really wish I would have learned this stuff as a kid instead of being forced to ignore my body and feelings.

[Jazzy]

Problem with these anti-anxiety meds is they make me so damn apathetic.... I just don't care about much.  I wish I could, but it just isn't there. It makes it really hard to get anything accomplished.

[sanmagic7]

apathy seems to be the opposite of anxiety.  it may be that you're in a period of adjustment for your body and brain because of starting new meds.  if it continues at a point where you're having trouble doing what you need to do, you may want to talk with the doc about trying half the dose, see what they say. 

yeah, listening to our bodies and our own feelings is a biggie.  i think too many of us have similar issues.  re: eating, i was taught to clean my plate, whether i was hungry for all of the food or not.  it's caused me quite a bit of problems over the years.  can't feel satisfied unless i can register just over the 'full' mark in my belly. 

similar stuff with feelings - they just weren't allowed, so i ended up not having any except sadness.  have had to work on making new connections in order to feel others, like fear, happy, angry, etc.  lots of work, lots of energy expended.

standing with you as you continue to find your way thru this.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs.