Adult Psychological Abuse Uncovered Childhood Exposure - Trigger Warning

[Cleverleigh]

As soon as I decided to post my story here, I was faced with a conundrum. I believe my most salient examples of C-PTSD symptoms come from an adult relationship in which I was psychologically abused and sexually coerced by my partner. It was as a result of that relationship, however, that I learned more about my childhood exposure to domestic violence, parental substance use and mental health conditions. Since childhood I have had passive thoughts of death. I was a self-isolating, often morbid, creative, angry kid so SI seemed like part of the lifestyle. Later I made my way unexpectedly into an organized religious practice and my SI was disguised as a pure desire to be with God and away from the suffering of the world. I never even admitted my relationship to death until a few months after my adult abuser ended our relationship. I thought it was normal.

In writing my story and doing my recovery work, the biggest relief I am hoping to find is to enjoy life and be reasonably excited about the future.

Adult C-PTSD
For a little over 2 years I was dating another member of my church whom I had adored from a distance and been friends with for about 4 years prior. He didn't ask me out until he heard I was seeing someone else; a friend grilled him about his intentions. From the beginning there was too much accountability and responsibility for him to be comfortable, I think, so there was only a short 'honeymooning' period. Tension built and then the abusive acts began, gradually escalating. The kinds of abusive behaviors that worked on me get described as verbal abuse, psychological or emotional abuse, coercion, gaslighting, etc. The ins-and-outs are exhausting to describe. Regardless, I found myself without any pleasure in things I used to love, unable to talk about what was going on, praying not to wake up anymore.

One of his abusive acts was to break promises and to ignore and silence me. My roommate at the time found out (by accident -- I protected him) that he refused to see me after I had cancer surgery. This was the beginning of accountability which scared him. He ended things by telling me he believed we could "get there eventually" except I was always so disappointed in him. So I felt ashamed and kept my mouth shut for about a year, hoping he would come around.

Confiding in a friend, she told me I had been emotionally abused. That sounded fake to me! So I looked into it. I confirmed with the National DV Hotline and by reading, reading, reading. Then I told one of my pastors.

With regards to my adult abuse, I most identify with these symptoms from the tracking sheet on OOTS:

• Re-experiencing past trauma: nightmares about my ex and sometimes other themes that still leave me with the same sensations of panic and fear; emotional flashbacks (describes my experience so accurately!) brought on by hearing about my ex, holidays/reminders, having a success at work (when he would undermine me), and various other situations that make me self-aware of attributes for which he would have belittled me, memories of confounding attempts to communicate with him
• Avoidance - I left the church where we attended, avoid people who will mention him offhandedly, stay away from social media, don't listen to music anymore
• Sense of threat - for a long time I checked the license plate number of every gray sedan I passed in traffic (that's a lot of cars!), was anxious and would break into sweats at church when I still attended there, get nervous and cognizant of my surroundings when I go back to our old neighborhood, fearful of many of our mutual friends
• Negative self-concept - this is compounded by the way my church leadership responded when I disclosed about the abuse. I often hear their words to me about being vindictive, controlling the narrative, being an "idol-worshipper", dishonoring him, being codependent and destructive (not how I define co-dependent)

Childhood C-PTSD
From my mother, I learned greater details in adulthood about how my father used force and intimidation as well as nonphysical abuse against her. She reacted to all this by cheating on him emotionally and finally divorcing him when she was thinking about suicide. She has demonstrated some problem drinking as well and both my parents have had undiagnosed episodes of depression. I remember after their divorce when my mother struggled financially and took on another job, that I went to school in dirty clothing that no longer fit, had lots of dental work done from not brushing my teeth, did not bathe. I feel that my earliest experiences of "trauma" are difficult to remember because they have more to do with what was missing. I ran into this problem attempting EMDR with a therapist.

Since childhood I have experienced the other symptoms of C-PTSD from the tracking list:

• Reduced ability to regulate emotions - I can have defensive/angry outbursts with authorities, become shut-down and inflexible and this has happened especially in work and school settings where I suffered consequences (adding to my shame!). Seemingly opposite to that, I was incapable of expressing anger towards my ex-partner with fear and despair being the dominant emotion in those years.
• Interpersonal difficulties - thank goodness for the "weird kid" tables and other misfits because these were my primary friendships. I spent most of my time alone and felt unknowable and detached from average children. I still struggle to make friends with others who are not "heavy" like me.

Recovery
I want to share that since really diving in deep with my recovery process, a few things have been particularly helpful to me.

I read a lot and educate myself. It might not be right for everyone, but I had to ignore my friends who seemed alarmed at how many books I devoured and who told me to focus on my healing instead (?!) Like many victim-survivors of abuse, having language to describe my confusing, mind-bending experience has brought clarity (and anger! ...and powerlessness ...and grief.)

I no longer maintain a relationship with my father, most of my former congregation, and I move on more quickly when I notice I've gotten myself into a harmful situation.

I joined Co-Dependents Anonymous but after reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, I took steps with my sponsor to define my own program. Defining my CoDA recovery allowed me to avoid unnecessary self-blame.

The best advice, for me, was to tell myself when I am having a flashback or hearing to the voice of the abuser/trying to explain myself to him again.

In addition to that, tremendous healing has come through a few really solid friendships, and connecting to the #churchtoo movement.

Grateful for this community and to have learned about C-PTSD!
My trauma responses are not my personality.
My thoughts of death are not my future.

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[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Cleverleigh     I added a trigger warning to your post, not because it's too graphic but there is a fair amount of detail so I wanted to give fair warning to members.  I am amazed at the clarity you do have with respect to your CPTSD and what led to it    That's a lot of recovery you've accomplished!             (We tend to like emoticons here  )   

I agree that reading can give us the language to talk about what happen and in some cases is still happening to us.  I spent decades trying to talk about my trauma but did not have the words so it came across as depression and anxiety due to  family dysfunctional rather than CPTSD due to a traumatic childhood. BIG difference!   FWIW all the reading can be heavy though and in my experience it helps to take breaks and let things gel and your energy recharge. 

You seem like you are well underway and I hope being here will also help you.   

[Deep Blue]

Welcome 

The multiple layers of abuse is one that many members can attest to.  Getting victimized over and over can put up a barrier between yourself and others. 

Glad you are here