Jimmy's Journal

[Jimmy]

I'd better start this journal with some background. As a child, I lived in children's homes for fourteen years (my mother was mentally-ill and had been taken into a hospital. She never came out). Some of these homes were OK, if institutionalised. However, the main home I was in, called a 'Family Group Home', was run by a woman who gradually descended into terrorising the children in her care through rages, random acts of violence and constant controlling supervision. The worst period lasted for about five years, until eased by the local authority appointing more staff to work in the home. During that five year period, all the children in her care had to be alert, whenever they were in her presence, that she could flip into a rage at almost any time for a multitude of trivial reasons. I won't go into what went on, because it would take too long, but the legacy it left in my case is one of daily hyper-vigilance, easily-resurrected fear of other people and a frequent preference for invisibility and escape from the world.

Fortunately, I have developed an arsenal of tools for dealing with this. The most important is writing. I keep a journal and when I am in the mood I can easily write three or four thousand words without stopping. I find it immensely helpful and regard it as one of several 'healthy addictions'. If I have had a tough experience for any reason, I invariably feel much calmer after writing about it than I did before. I also have other tools, such as using my imagination and various calming thoughts.

Yesterday, for example, was a rough day at work. A lot of things came together in a firestorm of problems. I have recently taken to measuring my anxiety levels on a ten-point scale. Yesterday, at times, they reached a ten. I was able to bring them down to nine by talking with a friend and then, through taking action rather than hiding away, eventually to a seven. This was a big achievement. I feel blessed to have such tools at my disposal.

I will record experiences here from time to time. It helps to have an audience that might understand and for whom it might even be useful. I'm on a journey of recovery that I believe is heading in a very positive direction. I'm in my fifties now and believe that I am finally addressing issues from the past in ways that bring very slow and small but lasting improvements. It's a good place to be, even though I know I'll be dealing with the aftermath of the past for a long time yet and probably forever. I don't mind that so long as I can live a productive life with what remains. 

[Jimmy]

Here's a few notes about my current efforts at recovery. Studying my past, I realised that I had had heightened anxiety levels since I'd gone into care at the age of three. This was exacerbated by long-term abuse within the care system. The end result was hypervigilance and anxiety but very well hidden (because I got through my childhood by acting calm to protect myself).

The beauty of knowing all this is that when I hit crises at work, such that I don't want to open my email account or answer the phone, I am better at understanding what is going on. This makes it easier for me to force myself to do what I don't want to do and hence prevents the problems from getting worse. Such challenges happen every day. The people around me don't see them, but I don't mind that so long as I know how to deal with the issues. A year or two ago, I was often avoiding emails and phone calls for days. Now they often still raise my anxiety levels but I am far more likely to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. Central to that is understanding what is going on in my own head. If hadn't spent years studying myself I don't think I would have made as much progress.

Nowadays, even a bad day is better than it would have been five years ago.

[Kizzie]

It's wonderful when you realize that things are indeed getting better I so agree Jimmy.  It wasn't all that long ago I thought I would have to live with these weird feelings and symptoms forever and now, like you, I am managing them better with each passing month.

I can very much relate to that feeling of not wanting to open emails or answer the phone, of feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope and then having to hide it from ohers. It's hard to slow down and be mindful and in the present when all your alarm systems are clanging away, but that is what has really helped me. I try not to run (or hide, dissociate), see how past trauma has seeped into the present, separate the two and deal with the present.  I find that brings the danger or threat level down and that I am able to think more clearly and in turn to dial down the feelings. Of course sometimes that's harder than other times, but even that I am more accepting of especially as you suggest when I look back at the bad days then and now - much better! 

Anyway, just wanted to say it's good to hear about your progress      and