Acceptance

[artemis23]

I'm reading this book for the past month titled "F*ck Feelings" (sorry for profanity moderators but it's the actual title) by a psychiatrist and his comedian daughter. I found it randomly at the library and it made me laugh so I picked it up. In no way is it minimizing of feelings, it's more about acceptance and being realistic about what we can and can't control in life, and uses some humor. It's really helped me to stop seeking this 'magic cure' to my CPTSD and other issues, and to have more realistic expectations of my recovery, and identify what I can hope to have some actual control over in my life. Sometimes, that's not much. I think I was really, really stuck in the injustice of the world. I think that was my biggest obstacle to overcoming the sort of drowning that was happening to me. In a gentle and at times humorous way, it's helped me to unravel idea of fairness and justice that was driving me mad. And also helped me see that I don't have to be fully and completely 'healed' to go on living life.

It's not so much that what I have survived was 'ok' and I accept it, more that I'm finding, for me, my biggest struggle with CPTSD was letting go of this deeply (and understandably) fear based need to have control over everything and also the feeling that everything is my fault.

What I've realized and been able to come to terms with is that crappy, abusive, and violent people exist. That horrible things happen. That I don't have to become this rainbow sunshine cured healer person who saves the world. That there is a limit to how much I can recover from trauma, and that's ok. Mostly, it's helping me let go of this perfectionist idealism that I think stems from the abuse, where we are conditioned to believe that if we do everything right, the abuser will behave, be kind, or reform somehow. It's deeply ingrained in so many of us and, for me, extends to so many different aspects of life (work, school, food, healing, people pleasing, etc). And I seem to be much more proud of what I can accomplish despite my own disabilities and struggles.

Despite the silly title, I'm finding it very empowering. It's actually written as an anti self-help book and is helping me let go of the need to constantly 'fix' myself. It really seems to have snapped me back into my body and the present and helped me move forward as well. It makes sense to me because the inability to accept lack of control over life is really the major basis of my overwhelming and debilitating fears that keep me trapped. It's a really big shift and I'm feeling quite proud of myself.

[Rainagain]

Artemis,

To me the book sounds like total sense, that idea of getting to a good enough place and to carry on living the best that can be done is where I am.

Living with betrayal without your hatred for the betrayer eating you alive is part of it for me.

I can't forgive, I thought I was doing acceptance but really I think I acknowledge what has happened.

I don't forgive or accept, I just recognise where I am and try to move forward.

I'm not expecting a magic cure.

If you are giving up on being a rainbow sunshine healer can I borrow your unicorn? 

[artemis23]

Totally agree Rainagain, the acceptance isn't about accepting what happened or forgiveness, but instead accepting where I am at and more importantly, more realistic parameters about what I have some control over in life and what was hyped up self-help nonsense I was unconsciously pushing on myself. For example, it's not realistic to expect to be happy or positive or love myself or patient or present or whatever I think I 'should be' 100% of the time, I think I had some subconscious expectation of this from all the self help/mindfulness and societal brainwashing (even though I'm against it). I love how the book is laid out. After he discusses a topic there is 'what we hope we can control about x (unrealistic expectations)', then 'what we actually can work at' and 'how to go about it'.

I think for me I can now see how one of the hardest parts of overcoming the severe symptoms was to just stop fighting them. I'm not even entirely sure how that has happened, or how long it will last (haha). But this really good therapist at these groups I go to who really knows her stuff (rare one) said that's a big healing sign.She said when we are fighting the symptoms it exacerbates them. Makes sense, and it's def not easy to stop when they are so darn painful and uncomfortable and we are terrified. And since it's happened it's as if I'm able to stop the mental fixations on the trauma as well. I can finally start redirecting my thoughts and I've started to enjoy little things again. Walks, sunshine, nature, painting, reading, cooking, eating. I'm feeling alive. It feels like a miracle. Self care has gone way up. Major depression lifted. More mental clarity and self will, more ability to use logic and reasoning to deal with stress.

I'm feeling grateful for everything that got me to this point and just trying to process it out here and articulate it because I feel like I've done a 180. It was difficult to accept the CPTSD and be patient with it because it just feels so darn unfair to have to deal with it after already having to deal with all the awful trauma, and the symptoms are so awful. That's been the biggest part of the acceptance. And somehow not fighting it has really calmed me and I'm not so hair-pin triggered or suicidal anymore. Instead of forcing myself to 'think positive' it's now just flowing naturally. More like, think realistically (ie, self compassion and less black and white fear thinking). I'm kind of in shock I'm at this point, like the world stopped spinning. I think there is a definite process to this that can't happen overnight and I needed to get very angry and self protective and lose a lot of innocence and naivety that was also some kind of protection, but ended up in being re-traumatized so many times. I feel like I am at ground zero with my life, I have no idea where I'm going with it, and I've stopped panicking about that as well. I don't feel like I have to help people anymore. That might sound weird but I was stuck in this martyr cycle that was very unhealthy. Maybe just a nice low stress job in a few months after I get off these darn benzos and recover a bit.

Sending unicorns your way 

[radical]

Artemis and Rain,

It feels good to be able to say 'ditto'.

I've found the same thing, yet acceptance isn't something we can force-feed ourselves.  How does it happen?
I suspect self-acceptance comes first.  Not acceptance based on any quality, achievement, victory, feeling or effort an unconditional self compassion, and self advocacy.

The idea that we have to be something, anything, to be okay is so cruel, and the world out there is determined to hammer everyone with messages about all the stipulations and requirments.  They never end. (or stop costing money).

I realise too, that in the past, much of the  therapy and 'recovery' has caused me harm.  I felt such a failure, endlessly trying to be better, to do well enough, be well enough.  Life was always going to start when I was well enough to meet it.  What a horrible idea, that the world is only open to some people, but not to me until I'd successfully jumped through enough hoops.  The world may feed us with such messages, but i didn't have to swallow them, or spend too much time with those who promulgate them.

Like you, Armetis, I've been liberated by accepting that some people are horrible, vicious, or just beyond the pale, without any need to add any softeners or mitigation.  I had a naivete, and and spiritual resistance to believing that, as well as a feeling that the only way i could be acceptable was if absolutely everybody was.  Not anymore.  Recognising abuse, really getting a handle on the extent of it, the way it plays out, the effort society, and groups put into denying abuse and blaming the victims, and become abusers themselves in then process. - I used to get stuck in the darkness for longer when i felt a need to lie to myself and so those 'reliving' times were the only outlet for a big chunk of my own feelings and reality.  When it comes to abuse of any kind, not being able to flat-out blame someone for their actions, always meant I wore that blame myself and, as a result, too often went back for more.  Their lack of responsiblity, somehow made me responsible.

[Rainagain]

Artemis, Radical,

Well done both of you.

Before reading your posts I was thinking of a phrase I heard somewhere, the 'Art of the possible'.

To me it indicates striving to do what is possible and to settle for that as anything else is not possible.

Many years ago I was enrolled in a very effective pain management course at a hospital. They would only take patients who had experienced their pain for a long time and had given up looking for a miracle cure or full recovery.

The whole approach, with hindsight, involved the art of the possible.

I don't like to think how much energy and emotion I have expended on 'this is unfair' and 'I'm not putting up with this'.

The better response is 'well, here I am, what can I do now?'.

Seems obvious but has taken me years.

I was negative toward therapy and meds, because they weren't a miracle cure. Now I realise that the miracle cure doesn't exist then they might meet my more realistic expectations.

Chronic pain and cptsd both disorder a persons thinking and its hard to get a grip on what is real, what is true and what is helpful. For me its trying to turn down the (fighty) emotions around it all so the inner voice of reason can be heard properly.

Another word for it might be insight.

[artemis23]

Radical and Rainagain, thanks for the great dialogue,

I agree with both of you. It reminds me of something this same insightful therapist said, how she doesn't believe in 'self-esteem', that it's overrated and emphasized and can be really shaming of where we are are. She feels 'self efficacy', or focusing on what we can do, what's possible, it's a much more effective strategy.

At first I felt resistant to this because I was still blaming myself for being victimized (aka, abusive people are attracted to low self esteem so it's my fault). But then I realized, first of all, they are attracted to me when I'm in my most powerful and confident self. And second, it's not even a fair assessment because when you grew up not even understanding you were supposed to like or love yourself how is that your fault?

It's just a baseline to accept abusive behavior when you've been programmed so deeply from childhood that this is what a relationship is. So now it's celebrating the victories of whatever I am able to do, however I am able to care for myself and live despite my disability and programming. And it's not like I felt I deserved abuse I just was so confused about relationships and it was so hard to reprogram. So now I just do what I can and avoid those patterns. And if I slip up then oh well. Keep moving forward instead of fully regressing. Not all lapses in old behaviors have to be full on relapses.

[radical]

This is uncanny.   so much of what you've both written I could  have written word for word (well, not quite as grammatically if I'm honest), and what's more i had a little victory which made me feel happy and alive yesterday, and i was thiinking about this exact thing.

I got myself to the hot pool for injured people, and aqua jogged my heart out. The physical freedom, and the relief from the heated water felt so good after nearly a month of  slipped disc turning my legs into weak, partially numb drunkards,  and sending electric cattle-prod-like pain down my legs if i even thought making any movement.   I looked at all the other people, made eye contact.  Many were elderly, most were in pain for some reason.  We were beautiful

[artemis23]

Radical! That's wonderful, it must have felt so nice. I know what it's like to have pain and be immobilized so hooray for that freedom to do what you can and celebrate it!