Abuse over Schoolwork

[goblinchild]

I used to experience abuse that would "revolve" around schoolwork. Now I'm trying to get a high school diploma as an adult and apply for college but I'm having so much trouble. I feel like I have no work ethic? Maybe? I've looked up "work ethic" and still don't really understand what it means. That's probably part of the problem.

I think I have no positive understanding of how...to even think about working at all. Even real job work.

I've tried being mindful about what I'm feeling when I'm trying to be productive. I feel like I need to be another person if I'm doing school. But an unrealistic person. And something in my head keeps saying, even though I know the expectations are unrealistic, that I'm being like a "normal person". When I was little and struggling in school, it seemed like all the other kids could easily do some things and I couldn't understand why those things were so hard for me! So I guess I'm trying to be a grown-up version of what I thought the other kids were like.

But when I'm trying to be that person it's also like I don't have needs or feelings. Or maybe I HAVE needs and feelings but they're wrong and need to be bottled up or crushed if they're getting in the way of how hard I'm trying to push myself. I've taken a lighter workload now because I started getting resentful and angry the more I did schoolwork. I worked myself into an angry depression hole.

I also keep feeling like questions and prompts I have to answer are inherently impossible but I still feel like I'm expected to do them. Like a trick question with no right answer. Or somehow, even though they seem like unanswerable questions, I SHOULD know how to respond to them perfectly and that it's wrong for me to be frustrated. I feel like I should be ashamed that I'm struggling.
I keep getting emotional flashbacks when I'm doing work, even when I feel like I'm doing something that's not difficult for me. And I keep feeling the need to take breaks and recharge as if I'm emotionally spent when I feel like I've barely done any work!

I'm also noticing that I feel like I can't talk openly about it with people. As if this is some big shameful secret? It never consciously occurred to me that this should be kept secret? I feel like I was subconsciously keeping it closeted and away from other people knowing my struggle though. The thought of airing it out kinda scares me and I'm not sure why but the fact that the feeling is there seems suspicious.

If I only knew what kind of mindset other people have about work, I feel like I could be like "Hey, yeah. That's the way it should be! I'm gunna think about it like that from now on!" And adjust. But I feel like that's something I should have learned as a child. I'm afraid people won't understand.

[Three Roses]

. I feel like I need to be another person if I'm doing school. But an unrealistic person.

Thus sounds a little like a common reaction called depersonalization. It's usually carded by an emotional flashback, or EF.

From our glossary;
Depersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).


Emotional Flashbacks – Emotional flashbacks (EFs) are one of the most common symptoms of CPTSD and involve mild to intense feeling states (e.g., anger, shame, fear) that were felt in past trauma, and are layered over present day situations. For example, a person who grew up with a parent who was angry and abusive may react with sudden intense fear to a minor conflict at work and not understand what is happening or why because often people with CPTSD do not connect these feelings to past trauma.  Emotional flashbacks are contrasted by the visual flashbacks experienced with PTSD where (the) sufferer sees the traumatic event replayed in their mind's eye. For additional information please see Pete Walker's article on (EF's) here - http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

Glossary - http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/

Hope this helps.

[Blueberry]

My heart goes out to you goblinchild!

Though I didn't have abuse revolving around school work, I wasn't shown at all how to get through homework in any kind of efficient way. No good role models on that, although there could have been. Everybody in my FOO including parents went to college.

I'm still not good at getting on with things for myself, especially not written stuff. Tax return 2016?   

You've opened up to having the problem on here!    Brave step.

I hope the information from ThreeRoses helps.

[Rowan]

Sweetie, I think that you have a native, in built desire not to retraumatise yourself, and that accounts for your procrastination.

Part of my abuse was school related, so it's taken a while to be able to reply, the joys of triggers (and flashbacks to yelling about why I'd lost 2% from a near perfect score), and the script of worthless, useless, good for nothing... must stop this right now, as you need something helpful to focus on.

You are doing this for yourself. You will achieve a mark that will be a reflection of your talent and your dedication to learning this new subject. You will, without a doubt not be happy with whatever mark you gain, but that's your inner critic talking to you - you will have achieved something remarkable in the face of extreme adversity.

Take the time to reward yourself for being awesome enough to even sign up and consider this. If you're looking for a dictionary definition of resilience, then this is IT.

(Hugs)

Rowan

[Blueberry]

I think that you have a native, in built desire not to retraumatise yourself, and that accounts for your procrastination.

   I've thought that before about myself. It makes sense. I put things off that would be too much for me.

[goblinchild]

I've been away from the forum for a while but it was nice to come back to more advice. <3