I feel exhausted (trigger warning)

[Sasha]

I have been wanting to post in here for some time now.

A couple of years ago a friend showed me Pete Walkers book. What an invaluable resource. Since learning about the 4F's I can identify, thus far, that I am a real mixture of the types.

My childhood was somewhat rootless, due to a number of things:
• Overcrowded childhood home a 1 bed flat in a squatted estate with 1 adult and 4 children, no space or privacy. I shared a bed with mum and brother. Regularly had my stuff trashed.
• Regularly beaten and verbally abused from a young age, including a great deal of entrapping sarcasm and constant criticism amongst all the family.
• Depressed non-coping single mother who tried a great deal, but really was very dysfunctional and threatened to have us taken away or kill us a few times, and an alcoholic father was barely there.
• Often kicked out from a young age, stayed at friends for weeks at a time.
• Me and my siblings all made to leave home aged 15/16, mother made us each phone the council over and over again to ask them to house us.
• Grew up witnessing drug use, self-harm and mental health problems in a dysfunctional community.
• It never seemed to start, get better or end.... There is more but that is the gist.

I am 29 years old and have been trying for many years to learn and grow, to be stable, specifically looking at the following areas:
• Learning how to ground
• Recognising dissociation, including busy flight mode, overeating, body numbness and brain freeze.
• Stopping trying to 'save' people and start to save myself.
• Trying to stop 'throwing myself away' as if I am a piece of trash.
• Trying to learn how to gauge whether people are good or bad.
• Recognising the vacillation between inner and outer critic.
• Recognising emotional flashbacks, and trying to manage these.
• Trying to manage my outer critic and how I micromanage in relationships.
• Trying to hear my voice, and trying to feel comfortable to express this in an appropriate way.
• Trying to manage the intense urge to isolate, run away and push everyone away.
• Recognising Abandonment Depression.

I feel really tired as it feels like drama keeps coming my way. I am trying my best to live a peaceful life, however I keep repeating the following loops that I seem to get stuck in again and again, that have and still are re-traumatizing me, piling onto my pre-existing childhood triggers:
• Having to move all the time, due to rental insecurity in London where I grew up. I can't keep with the same doctor and have been chasing long-term psychotherapy for about 4 years now. I am now living in a more rural area, and hoped for peace and a long term tenancy, however I found out yesterday that I am going to have to move again, due to a false complaint by a rather vicious neighbour.
•  I find gauging things difficult in intimate relationships and have attracted a number of narcissists, where things seem very good at first and then I realise that my voice is not being encourage or is consistently rejected, however in these situations I have usually already given up all my rights and feelings, putting theirs first and avoiding conflict at all costs, in a fawn co-dependent manner.
• Struggling with money as working full time is quite difficult for me. I hate to admit this but I get very spun out, and sometimes can't read emails or function properly, like the words don't make sense. Sometimes I can barely understand people when they are talking to me, and I get headaches and affected vision. I also struggle to articulate to employers what my problems are, as I am learning them myself and feel incredibly ashamed, also don't want to trigger people. I don't want to be a victim, or a drama queen. I tend to take large numbers of days off for 'migraines', which seems the easiest way to explain.

I have to move again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying. I just want peace and calm. I want to heal, with a garden and a dog, making bread and with loads of time to myself.

I don't know how to get there. It feels like the rug keeps being pulled from under my feet.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum 

It sounds as if you're working really hard on your own to get well. CPTSD is a beast. It can be a long, hard slog to get to a stage where you can sort of function inspite of it, especially when it's childhood-onset like yours and mine. It does get better though. I know it's hard to believe when you're stuck in the middle of it though.

I'm sorry you have to move. And I'm sorry you have trouble with working. Many of us do, you're not alone there, if it's any comfort.

[Hope67]

I also would like to welcome you to the forum, and hope that you'll find it helpful here - you wrote a lot of things so coherently and I can see that you've both been through a lot and also you're working hard to get well - and I would like to wish you the best with ongoing progress on that. 

Hope 

[Sasha]

Thank you both for your comments. Today I have been doing a lot of thinking and just writing this post helped so much. I need to stabilise my life so that I can recover.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS DarlingLou, I like the forum name you chose     It seems a positive msge to yourself.

You are most definitely not alone in what you're going through if that gives you some comfort.  You write so clearly that I sense you are definitely on a path to recovery, it just may be a bit bumpy getting there as it is for so many of us.  As BB wrote, CPTSD is a beast. I hope you will find some information and support here to help you with those bumps 

[Deep Blue]

Welcome 

Sometimes just getting the toxic nature of abuse out of you is a good way to start.  Like sucking the venom out of a snake bite.  I hope that you continue to share your story with us and know that being part of a group helps.

[Sasha]

Thank you for your responses.

One thing I am struggling with is work. I am currently going in and out of quite heavy dissociation, feeling triggered a lot by my unstable housing and this has affected my ability to stick to work commitments. I am freelance so don't get sick pay.

How do people manage their symptoms when it comes to working? And do other people have to take days off?

[Kizzie]

Struggling to meet workplace demands is a very common issue here.    I took a leave of absence for about 5 months but then my employer was supportive and I am married so we had my H's income to see us through. 

Depending on what country you're in there is generally legislation regarding workplace accommodation and disability - see http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=4876.0.  I believe that in most you need a diagnosis from a physician or psychologist/psychiatrist.

[Sasha]

Thanks @Kizzie. I have had some very supportive employers however have recently gone self-employed as felt it was less pressure. Ironically it is causing stress in a few ways: insecure income, constant pressure to procure work and no sick pay.

I will write in the employment forum about sick leave for self employed and see if anyone has advice or insight.

Another thing I am really struggling with is sarcasm as a trigger. Is there a good board to ask about this?

[Kizzie]

I don't know this for a fact (and maybe this is a good opportunity to do a little digging and find out), but I would imagine there would be some coverage for those who are self-employed and become disabled/ill?  You're right though, it probably belongs in the Employment forum.

As for sarcasm, you could bring this up in the "Our Relationships with Others" board under "General Discussion"  It could also go under "Inner and Outer Critic" if sarcasm by others triggers one or both in you.

[Blueberry]

I have had some very supportive employers however have recently gone self-employed as felt it was less pressure. Ironically it is causing stress in a few ways: insecure income, constant pressure to procure work and no sick pay.

I'm self-employed too, it's the only way I seem to manage to work at least a bit. There is less pressure in certain ways, but yes, as you realise there is the insecure income, constant pressure to procure work and no sick pay. I get some financial help from FOO which helps with all of that. Otherwise things would be really, really difficult. I also have a disability pension, because I really can only work a bit. But my pension is very low. You may have worked longer than me at a salaried position and be eligible for more. But you're also in a different country so things will be different. It took a good few years for me to even be granted the pension so it's not an easy route either.

Just a thought: Is there any way you could go back to an old employer, having realised being self-employed isn't quite all it's cracked up to be?

You're right, this does belong on the Employment board. If you start a thread over there, I can move my post onto that for you.  No hurry though. No stress.

[Blueberry]

For your questions on sick leave for self-employed people, this post might help http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9297.msg67047#msg67047

I haven't read it in any detail since I'm not in the uk and don't need it, so can't guarantee anything.