One of the consequence of SA (trigger warning)

[Sceal]

Under the sub-title "When problems are really solutions" Bessel van der kolk talks about how obesity can become a solution for someone with SA based traumas. He writes, and I quote:

Felitti points out that obesity, which is considered a major public health problem, may in fact be a personal solution for many. Consider the implications: If you mistake someone's solution for a problem to be eliminated, not only are they likely to fail treatment, as often happens in addiction programs, but other problems may emerge. One female rape victim told Felitti, "Overweight is overlooked, and that's the way I need to be."

I have said in the past to my GP that I have a part inside of me who has to keep the weight up because the more disgusting I am, the lesser of a chance will it be to become R* again.
And that voice is so deeply hidden that I don't consciously hear it, because all I ever hear is Shame taking to me and telling me I am revolting and I need to work harder to lose weight.

Its a few days ago since I read this passage but it stays with me. I fear I cannot beat the monster of excess weight before I've tackled the traumas around it. But I don't know how to do that. And although I have my T and my SA lady, this... Is not something that I talk about. Everytime food and me come up for conversation I deflect. I change the subject. I don't always notice what I am doing, but it's been pointed out to me that this is hard.

I wish I had someone I trusted deeply to force me to talk about this. I am hoping that by writing here it is one step closer to the right path and hopefully it won't toss me 180 degrees and head down the wrong path.

[sanmagic7]

sweet sceal, you brave little thing, you.  thank you for sharing.  i do know other women who have used weight (albeit usually subconsciously) as a protective device against further SA.  i think the fact that you can now hear your own small voice above the voice that throws shame at you is a giant step in the right direction.

one of my former best friends had been massively overweight for years, and she knew that was the reason.  it wasn't until she began tackling her trauma that she started getting a handle on food choices and amounts.  she also got scared because her blood pressure was so high and she'd developed diabetes, two extra little incentives that pertained to her health rather than body image issues.

i told you once before that i love your body for how it's taken on the trauma and protected you, even when you couldn't love it.  i still do, more than ever.  it has done an amazing job for you.

just to realize that your little voice exists, to make it real here, and to share it with this community took so much courage.  i do hope that you'll be able, possibly in very small increments, to continue to whittle down that shame voice by speaking to either your t or sa group.  maybe even both.

well done, my dear sceal.  i'm so very proud of you for admitting this (if it's my place to be proud of you).  lots of love and a big hug filled with strength, continued courage, and determination.

[Sceal]

It's taken me a little while to dare to go back to this thread, although I've re-read your reply several times San.
You're always so supportive of me, and I apprechiate it beyond what I can express. 

I don't always hear the voice, last night I was incredible stressed and I wanted to purge on crisps. Luckily the shops were closed and I had no willpower or strength to find an open gasstation to waste my money on. But I did manage to recognize that it was stress that was giving me cravings, that I didn't actually -want- it.

Thank you for loving my body, even without ever having seen it. I need someone to love it, because I cannot. I know that it is mine, and I need to care for it. But I feel so disconnected from it, and it doesn't feel as if it has ever truly belonged to me. There's been so many desicions taken in regards to my body that I've had no say in what-so-ever, that I don't know if I can ever love it. Although, I hope I one day can accept it. And hopefully I'll settle for that.

I feel I need to make a poster on my wall that reminds me of the insights I gain, so I don't forget them so quickly. But I'd be afraid to invite people over then - it'd be like inviting them over then.

[Blueberry]

Any chance you could put that poster in a space nobody else would see but you would a couple of times a day? I had a small one inside my closet on the door for a long time, and I have other things of that type round my bed. I do have a bedroom, but if I didn't I'd have a screen or pull curtain round my bed to keep that private.

[Sceal]

Inside the closet is a brilliant idea! I will write them there. I can also use an app to write short reminders throughout the day. I have one already, reminding me to check in on myself - how am I doing? I can't always tell.
Sadly I share bedroom, and I spend very little time in there other than sleeping and putting away clothes.  but I like the closet. And also perhaps beside the fridge, because the fridge isn't in the kitchen/livingroom.
Thank you Blueberry

[Andyman73]

Sceal,
How incredibly brave to share this with us. I too love your body...as it is, for what it has done for you. Keeping us safe even when we don't realize it, is still very very important. I am so proud of you, too.
Safe  if okay.

[Sceal]

A safe hug is always welcome, a gentle  back, if okay?
Thank you, Andy, for the hug, the words and for loving this body I belong to.

[Andyman73]

Hugs are always welcomed....but only from the front. Hugs from behind are too dangerous and trigger me.  Never had hugs from behind from good person, so far only bad ones.  But hugs from front where I see you coming, are always welcome!!!  .

Glad you like hug. Soft gentle and safe. Never give tight hugs or hold on too long if other trying to end hug. Sceal, you be great great person and have wonderful safe body. Outsiders have no idea or understanding why we do what we do. OR why our bodies do what it do.  WE here, we do, we get it, cuz some of us even do it too.

[Sceal]

I agree. Hugs only from front. And always careful and gentle and acceptable to say no if that moment is no good.

[Andyman73]

I agree. Hugs only from front. And always careful and gentle and acceptable to say no if that moment is no good.

Oh yes, no hugs right now is always good to say, we know and hear that, and listen.  Sometimes hugs sure can be scary.