Sarcasm trigger

[Sasha]

Am with someone who is more supportive than any previous partner by a huge margin. He is reading with me, supporting me, doesn't "chuck me away" when I am spinning out/lashing out and going through very difficult emotions and days. He has helped me to feel safe to talk about my experiences, my triggers and my feelings. However, I keep getting intensely triggered as he is naturally a very sarcastic person.

I feel that this is not an insidious NPD type of mocking, and I feel that when we get to the heart of things, after I have triggered, he is sad and apologetic that he has upset me. I have relayed this to him and asked him where his use of language comes from in him, as sometimes I wonder if he struggles to express himself in a straight way - perhaps due to his own experiences with people who speak with twisted tongues. He has acknowledged this and expressed that he feels grateful that I have reflected this as he has felt it has gotten people upset in the past, however it's not what he wants or intends.

I believe him, but I keep getting triggered as it is not simple to stop straight away, and what makes things more complex is that my trigger is to do with FOO sarcasm, mocking and ridicule. I am aware that when I am slightly up/high/bouncy I am quite dry and witty, and when together in this place it feels like I slip with him into a sarcastic banter that I sometimes have to stop, as it can become quite scary for me. In my FOO this would just intensify to the point of real anger and violence.

So is sarcasm something to be avoided overall? I'm not sure it feels good to me at all. I'm not sure it's funny. It feels so 'one upmanship' and even when I am bouncy and partake in this, I feel a great sense of inner and outer critic flare up.

I find sarcasm and conversational jokes incredibly difficult to process when I am not bouncy, and when I am: down, 'purple' (my way of describing waking up like there is a huge traffic jam in my brain), depressed, dissociative, flighty, sensitive, hypervigilant or in anyway struggling with other symptoms (this can be quite a lot of the time, as I can hide a lot, or be quietly harbouring feelings/moods that I haven't managed to articulate).

In these states sarcasm is a massive amygdala hijacking trigger. It feels like these sorts of comments force me to do loops in my head, working out what someone means, and really becoming incredibly worried that I don't get it, and that I genuinely do not understand why they said it and if they are trying to hurt me.

As a result my inner critic berates that I am ruining the conversation, and should 'just lighten the * up!', as well as feeling that I am not worthy of clear straight conversation. I usually freeze to a degree, as I start to process, and often consider just shutting up completely. However, this usually doesn't last long as I feel comfortable enough with my partner to challenge when this happens, and my outer critic quickly engages into a panicky fight mode ("why on earth would you say that to me? You are being sarcastic! I don't understand what you mean. What did you mean?"), often accompanied by intense micromanagement. I can start to raise my voice and monologue.

I wish my brain wouldn't derail - and I would love to gain a bit more control over this trigger so that I can communicate more healthily and effectively. Right now I am struggling to stay present when this trigger appears, and feel like I am being thrown backwards in a painful and confusing way, mid conversation.

Does anyone have any suggestions, advice or a similar story?

[Blueberry]

This is a long post (mine often are too) and I'm not sure if I can do it justice.

First of all, I'm really happy for you that you have a partner who is not only supportive but willing to look at some of his own issues too.

My FOO is very sarcastic too, I grew up with that and also endured a lot of mockery and ridicule. But I also know I resort to sarcasm when things are hard. In earlier posts on here, I couldn't list what FOO did to me in the way of emotional abuse, I could only say "Thanks FOO for doing xyz". Anger, sadness, hurt would all be appropriate emotions but I couldn't reach them at that time. I can now. It was good to list all FOO did to me anyway, even if it was all sarcastic.

I was starting to write a real email to a FOO member today, then I realised that I was using some sarcasm and I also realised that this sarcasm won't help me. Not that anybody else in FOO is likely to really notice the sarcasm as such or find it inappropriate, but they'll still use it to get back at me somehow. Or it would end up being a sarcasm ping-pong game. With FOO it wouldn't be good for me at all to say how I really feel (hurt and a bit angry in this case) because they're quite OK with me being hurt... So thanks for your post here, helped me along with that realisation (cuz I'd been thinking about your post).

Is sarcasm to be avoided overall? Maybe it would help if you and your partner attempt to 'fast' from it for a while? Doing that can help to reveal what's beneath a behaviour. It's easier to fast when you're in inpatient therapy, which is where I first learnt about fasting in this way, but it can be done on your own too. And then be mindful. Take time to see what's coming up, or what else might be going on internally, or maybe what other impulses you have. But if you notice the fasting process is about to derail you, then please take it easy.

Do you know who your ICr (inner critic) is impersonating? Often the ICr is telling us something that a real person in the past often told us. You probably aren't 'ruining the conversation' especially since you're part of that conversation, you're maybe sensing that the conversation isn't good for you the way it's going. As a person involved in the conversation, you have just as much right as anybody else to object to the way it's going.  As for "Lighten the * up" that sounds like the usual "You're just too sensitive", something most of us on here have heard ad nauseam. It's a way for somebody else to place blame on us for their own behaviour, so instead of wondering if there might be something a bit off in their general behaviour or even just in a comment, they turn that all around and blame us.

It sounds as if you're really pretty aware and as if you're doing a lot of healing work on your own.    for that. It isn't easy. And it takes time to heal from this Beast and all the ensuing behaviours we've been practising for years just in order to survive. Just staying present when triggered is huge. As is stopping the banter with your partner before you're derailed. 

[Rainagain]

Hi
I couldn't get to the end of either of the above posts as I'm a bit all over the place but wanted to mention that sarcasm is a bad thing in general. It sometimes comes from a deflective low self esteem type personality but whatever the origin it is bad for people with cptsd.

Just try to nip it in the bud somehow, call it out maybe, point out how negative it is? Just a thought. Sarcasm is aggressive, not a good thing at all.

[Blueberry]

You're right Rainagain, it's not a good thing. When I address FOO in a sarcastic way in my head or on here, that's a whole different ball game from directly in contact with them. It's not the end either, I'm working on better ways to deal.

It can be difficult to simply end that kind of behaviour, though. It might depend what's lurking beneath it - untold amounts of pain with nowhere to go?