Questions about anxiety (Possible Trigger)

Started by TreadingCarefully, May 27, 2018, 09:44:20 PM

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TreadingCarefully

Hi, I am new here, and I am reading a book about CPTSD because a loved-one has it, but I was surprised to find a lot of myself in the book, so I'm trying to find out if I have CPTSD and if so, where it came from, and what it all means.

What does it mean to always have some background anxiety and to be unable to completely relax with anyone, even your significant other?  Here's an example: when me and my significant other are gazing lovingly into each other's eyes, this causes my anxiety to increase until I find a way to do something else, like, switch from gazing to hugging or holding hands.

If I view all people as unsafe and threatening, what does that mean? Specifically, I am afraid of revealing anything about myself because I am afraid they will judge me and invalidate me and use my words against me. I even have this fear about this web forum.

What does it mean to always feel a medium amount of anxiety when in public and when meeting people?

What does it mean to have never had a real friend in one's entire life, to have given up on trying to make friends long ago, and to have decided that no one is safe and that one's only recourse is a life of isolation with the exception of a significant other?

What does it mean to have no idea of others' expectations of me, or of what is and is not acceptable to say or do? What does it mean to be completely oblivious to unspoken social rules?

What does it mean if every time a negative social situation develops (conflict etc), I feel a black cloud of doom and anxiety level turned up to max, and panic attacks that last for days, and I have absolutely no idea how to resolve it or who's at fault or why it happened or what to do?

Estella

Hi Treading Carefully,

Welcome to OOTS. It sounds to me like you are hypervigilant. Other people here will have a better understanding and know what to say. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're experiencing this. I hope you can find some healing reading Pete Walkers book.

Gromit

Quote from: TreadingCarefully on May 27, 2018, 09:44:20 PM

What does it mean to always have some background anxiety and to be unable to completely relax with anyone, even your significant other?  Here's an example: when me and my significant other are gazing lovingly into each other's eyes, this causes my anxiety to increase until I find a way to do something else, like, switch from gazing to hugging or holding hands.
Sounds like a fear of being seen. How will the other person judge what they see?

Quote from: TreadingCarefully on May 27, 2018, 09:44:20 PM
If I view all people as unsafe and threatening, what does that mean? Specifically, I am afraid of revealing anything about myself because I am afraid they will judge me and invalidate me and use my words against me. I even have this fear about this web forum.
Have you ever been teased or bullied because of your opinions? Your spontaneous remarks?

Quote from: TreadingCarefully on May 27, 2018, 09:44:20 PM
What does it mean to always feel a medium amount of anxiety when in public and when meeting people?
normal to be anxious about new situations.

Quote from: TreadingCarefully on May 27, 2018, 09:44:20 PM
What does it mean to have never had a real friend in one's entire life, to have given up on trying to make friends long ago, and to have decided that no one is safe and that one's only recourse is a life of isolation with the exception of a significant other?

What does it mean to have no idea of others' expectations of me, or of what is and is not acceptable to say or do? What does it mean to be completely oblivious to unspoken social rules?
No one explained or gave examples to you of them, were your parents from a different area or culture? Or much older than other parents? Sometimes lack of friendships can occur because parents isolated themselves and you. Or childhood illness can be isolating, you miss being with peers.

Just a few ideas, based on your questions and without any background information.

I am hypervigilant because I was bullied throughout school and beyond and because home was unpredictable, scary.
My mother was great at distancing herself from other people, 'not our sort of people' not suitable, common, whatever. Her own fear & judgements.

Have a look around, see what you identify with in this forum. Think back to your childhood.
There is no judgement here.


Sceal

Hello,
and welcome to the forum, I hope you'll find some answers here for yourself and how to connect better with your loved-one :)
None of us here are professionals, so we can't give you a diagnosis one way or the other. :)

Having anxiety, being unsettled and having trust issues doesn't nessecerily mean that you got cPTSD, and I hope you don't have this burden. Some gain cPTSD from childhood trauma, and some from trauma as an adult. cPTSD is usually from a series of multiple traumatic events - some closely together some not.
If your anxieties and symptoms are preventing you to have a meaningful everyday life, or disrupting your daily life it might be a good idea to bring it up with your GP, or seek out a therapist to figure out where this comes from and how you can work on it to make it better, or recover fully.

And no, I like to believe that  it doesn't mean we've never had a real friend, or that we're "doomed" to isolation for the rest of our lives. Every relationship takes work, also friendships. It may just take more work to find someone we can relaxe completely around.

TreadingCarefully

#4
Quote from: Gromit on May 28, 2018, 10:21:27 AM

No one explained or gave examples to you of them, were your parents from a different area or culture? Or much older than other parents? Sometimes lack of friendships can occur because parents isolated themselves and you. Or childhood illness can be isolating, you miss being with peers.

Just a few ideas, based on your questions and without any background information.

I am hypervigilant because I was bullied throughout school and beyond and because home was unpredictable, scary.
My mother was great at distancing herself from other people, 'not our sort of people' not suitable, common, whatever. Her own fear & judgements.

Have a look around, see what you identify with in this forum. Think back to your childhood.
There is no judgement here.

Gromit, thank you for replying. Your story about your mother sounds very similar to mine. My family was extremely judgmental; had rigid beliefs/opinions, and anyone who disagreed was wrong. No room to develop my own independent thoughts/beliefs until I became an adult. One time at a very young age I asked an honest question that challenged one of her core beliefs and she shamed me for it; I never did that again.

And yes they were extremely isolating. When I was very young we moved to an area with a different culture in which we did not fit in; we lived in a bubble and none of us made friends.

I find myself identifying with a lot of things here on this forum, but I don't know if that means I have cptsd.


Kizzie

Maybe just keep reading and posting TreadingCarefully until you do know  :yes:  There's more info about symptoms here http://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms/ and causes here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/causes/.

TreadingCarefully

Quote from: Kizzie on May 28, 2018, 06:10:20 PM
Maybe just keep reading and posting TreadingCarefully until you do know  :yes:  There's more info about symptoms here http://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms/ and causes here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/causes/.

Hi Kizzie, thanks for that info. I have been confused about the definitions I have read here and in Pete's book.

Symptoms Shared by Complex PTSD and PTSD
  RE –Re-experiencing the trauma in the present (visual/emotional flashbacks; nightmares)
  AV – Avoidance of traumatic reminders (thoughts, people, places, things)
  SOT – Persistent sense of threat (hypervigilant, increased arousal, startle response


I am confused about those. I thought I knew what those were. But now I'm not sure. For example, I used to think hypervigilance was exclusively a fear of a physical threat, such as a fear that a person may physically attack. But I do not have a fear of a physical attack. How else might hypervigilance be defined?

AD – Affective dysregulation (heightened/flattened anger, sadness, joy)
NSC – Negative self-concept (shame, critical of self/others; feeling inferior)
DR – Disturbed relationships (isolated; feeling different that others; social anxiety)


I have all of the above three. And regarding the difference between BPD and CPTSD, I do not have BPD.

Regarding causes, I read those, but they confuse me as well. I don't know what constitutes "neglect" or "abandonment." I think my parents had the best intentions (mostly), but due to their imposed extreme isolation and rigidity, the unintended effect was that I felt extremely helpless, hopeless, confused frustrated and shamed during all of my childhood and teen years (and into adulthood) Does that constitute abandonment or neglect? I don't know--it seems too harsh to say that. I don't know what to make of it all.

Sceal

Quote from: TreadingCarefully on May 28, 2018, 06:30:50 PM
Symptoms Shared by Complex PTSD and PTSD
  RE –Re-experiencing the trauma in the present (visual/emotional flashbacks; nightmares)
  AV – Avoidance of traumatic reminders (thoughts, people, places, things)
  SOT – Persistent sense of threat (hypervigilant, increased arousal, startle response


I am confused about those. I thought I knew what those were. But now I'm not sure. For example, I used to think hypervigilance was exclusively a fear of a physical threat, such as a fear that a person may physically attack. But I do not have a fear of a physical attack. How else might hypervigilance be defined?

When you're in a hypervigilant mode you are activated by your amygdala. A tiny thing inside the middle of your brain that controls quite a few things, but mainly it's your fire-alarm. It's the most advanced form for fire-alarm there is. It is constantly online - even when we're sleeping or unconcious. But when people have been traumatized the amygdala has learned extensive levels of threats and is reacting to what can potentially be threatening, and puts you into a fight/flight mode if you are above the tolerance window, or if you're below you enter freeze or fawn.  You might have known this part already, but I thought I'd add it anyway :)

*Trigger warning*
As for what else can cause hypervigilance other than physical attacks? Well, it depends I suppose on what you fear. For me it's being trapped and unable to get away (I'm not claustrophobic), or meeting my far-past and recent-past abusers or any of their family and friends - because I'm scared to be abused all over again. To be hung out to dry, to be used as a scapegoat, or to be manipulated, groomed or brainwashed. As well as the physical part of it all. There's more that I'm terrified of, but I have not yet learned to put that into words. It is a persistent sense of threat to my physical, emotional and intellectual self.

When I'm in a state of hypervigilance I get triggered by sudden movements from bugs, curtains, doors, cars to people. I start being on the look out for danger, this danger could be a new perpetrator or old ones. Especially my abusers, just writing about this here and now is making me want to run and double check the door is locked. Loud sudden sounds, or increasing volume in noise or just alot of it, like being at a busy cafe. It can be a topic that's suddenly coming up that makes me alert, words or songs or movies. It can be the bus going to certain places. It can be the news. It can be alot to trigger me (and others) into a hypervigilant state.
I can be prone to paranoia, and if my hypervigilance is something that's ongoing for more than an hour it will trigger my paranoia and the two of them together will continue to enforce and strengthen eachother and I end up being unable to work myself out of that entanglement on my own.
*tigger warning end*

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, but I hope so.

As for neglect and abandonment, I have trouble with those. I've been told my parents have been neglectful towards me in my childhood - not super neglectful, but to my emotional needs, to giving me the safety I needed outside of the home. I have trouble fully believing that they were neglecting me, especially not on purpose. So I am uncertain if I can give any experienced viewpoints on that. But I am very sorry to hear that you felt helpless and hopeless and shamed all through your childhood and through to adulthood. It must have been very difficult to carry all that alone.

Kizzie

I'm not afraid of physical attack either but like Sceal I am hypervigilant about emotional abuse - personal attacks, anger, upset .....  Whenever I am out around people I am "on" and by that I mean my amygdala is revved up.  I constantly scan the environment looking for threats, again not physical but with regard to possible conflict (or shaming, rejection, embarrassment ...)  with others.   No wonder I am not a particularly social person, it's exhausting.

QuoteI felt extremely helpless, hopeless, confused frustrated and shamed during all of my childhood and teen years (and into adulthood)
Based on what you wrote I'd say you are likely hypervigilant to a degree. It makes sense, who would want to feel those feelings again? One way of protecting ourselves is to be constantly on the lookout for situations which have the potential to initiate those feelings again. I also think that these very feelings indicate emotional neglect/ abandonment because you did/do not feel confident, joyful, worthwhile, etc., all the things healthy parents help their children to feel.