Interacting and building rapport IRL. (Trigger warning)

[bhupendra]

Anybody here struggles interacting with new people, acquaintances, classmates, colleagues, making friends keeping in touch with them, knowing the unwritten social rules for handling different relationships, people and situations?
Most of the time I find it difficult to interact and bond with people my age or around my age. Either I end up as seeming too naive to the other person or the other person thinks I'm weird or rude because I don't talk much or can't hold a conversation and not good at expressing myself through gestures and facial expressions.
Even when I do find someone interesting and want to be friends with them I usually approach them in isolation rather than getting to know them when they're in a group.
It's difficult for me to get to know someone at any social event like a party or a group meeting like other people do.
I don't know if it's just part of being introverted or something deeper.

When I was a kid I used to venture out in the neighborhood to find other boys my age to play with. It was all fine till one day a gang of boys around my age started to bully me. Some 6 or 7 of them  they'd grab me, pin me down. Those standing around would throw dirt on me while two of them would try to shove dirt in my mouth. I couldn't escape the first day. They'd stop till they get bored and let me go. The following days their leaders were not there so it was easier for me to escape. I was too scared by the events.
I stopped going out for a while then when I did find courage to go out to meet one of my classmate these boys were always there and they'd come for me. I never quite understood why they were doing this to me. I didn't know them. Also, I was not a child who would seem too weak and easy to target for other kids. Later I realized that they might have found out that I was sexually 'abused' and knowing that made it easier for them to target me.
Since then I started avoiding groups of boys. And as I grew older—groups of people.
Even growing up it was difficult for me to keep friends. Every time I'd bring a boy home. Be it a classmate or someone I met in neighborhood. My M would condescendingly ask him about his grades, his siblings grades, where he lived, his parents' profession, his entire family profile as if it was some criminal investigation. I'd feel bad about my friend. Most of them were not from a previleged background and all these questions she asked was like an insult to them. For her average or bad grades equaled bad influence even if I felt happy in the company of any of my new friend. I wanted them to feel safe at my place. They'd never talk about their bad experience with my M but I sensed most of them would feel hurt. I stopped bringing people home. My only friend and playmate then would be my younger sister and occasionally some of her girl friends. I stopped actively making friends as it seemed too much of an effort to maintain friendship without them being offended and insulted by my M.
I'm an adult now. My M's still the same. It's just not about the grades and family background now. I want to meet people. Make friends. I just don't know how. Also, most adults my age seem very complex. Even if I did make any friend IRL my parents would never approve of it. I know their approval doesn't matter. Still they'd make efforts to spoil the friendship. They themselves don't have anyone they can call 'friend' now. They distanced themselves from most people when their marriage failed. Also, most people distanced themselves from them. Now they have a very conservative mindset stuck in the Indian 80s. Any person who doesn't fit that is seen as a threat by them. Their personal life is not that is like that of other couples and they don't have a social life. I want to make friends IRL. And want to preserve my friendships. Do some boundary setting with my parents. Need some suggestions.

P.S.- If possible please be culture specific with your suggestions. I'm from India.

[Estella]

Hi Bhu,

I relate to your post. I get into a panic, dissociate and feel so small. I don't know what I can say that's positive right now, but you're not alone in this.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

bhupendra

You are so brave to tackle this subject. It can be so hard to relax and trust and offer others an opportunity to get to know me aftet so many others have been abusive.

You are definitely not alone, or weird, and this is an area I am healing in too.

I just thought it was a striking coincidence that you post this/I read it when my husband and I (both struggling with CPTSD) were discussing yesterday what his therapist told him: that we must be willing/it is good to cultivate new friendships all the time.... That we will always be losing friends for one reason or another.... Death, moving, job changes, life changes, interests, life philosophies, or bad behavior are all reasons that friends come and go... So if wr are not actively pursuing new friends we may end up alone more than we like... Not just ones our age/like us but others as well.

She warned him that it can be harder to make friends as we get older, but that it can keep us alive longer and keep us healthier to work at meeting new folks and hanging out and making connections in new ways as we go through life.

I thought this was so GOOD to hear... A good insight for me. I do not think I realized some of what she said for myself but I find it articulates my heart. We MUST keep at it, for our own sake!

I hope it helps you too. If not -- "Eat the fish, spit out the bones." Xox

[Combine59]

Hello Bhu,

I'm not Indian, but I can relate to what you spoke about. I had some bullying experiences growing up, but for me my parents were the worst bullies. Like you, i have difficulty making friends my own age. My better friends tend to be older. I hadn't thought much about how my Mother interacted with my friends, but that is good to consider. I've realized she was very jealous of me for many years. She would often try to be best friends with my friends and drive a wedge between us.

Now that I am NC with my parents (3 years) I'm trying to figure out better ways to relate and connect to others. It's been hard! I find myself so wary. I've had friends and lost them but haven't known why.  I'm introverted naturally, but I can "get along" in groups. This doesn't mean I can make meaningful connections and I tend to feel lonely in groups a lot. I've been working with a therapist on this front. Boundary setting and being open to new and sometimes uncomfortable, but not necessarily bad circumstances. Putting myself out in social situations more. Not overwhelming ones, but seeking out things and communities that interest me.

I still haven't found a magic pill and I'm struggling with this too. Your not alone. I believe finding meaningful connections (and trusting yourself!) is one of the biggest keys to recovery. Hope we get there.